August 2000

She's just left. And I'm far from five-by-five. My skin is on fire and my legs are shaking. My throat's all tight and there's some weird shit going on with my eyes. They're stinging. I so know what that stinging is and it ain't gonna happen man. It's not going to happen, do you hear me?

I'm up and down pacing the room, you know when she was in the bathroom. I couldn't lie on my bed anymore all heated up in my leathers. 'Cause me on a bed with B only a few feet away clean and smelling all fresh from the shower would have just ripped every last shred of restraint from me you know? I couldn't have just laid there and not done something or said something. I mean I have what I want naked in my shower and I managed to control the urge to burst in and do stuff with her. Stuff that I've fantasised about since the summer. Stuff involving our lips crashing together, her breasts underneath my hands, my mouth going to her neck and starting a series of slow deep kisses on her collar bone…you know that kinda stuff. I managed to control that urge, fuck knows how. I didn't think I'd control it any longer if I stayed on the bed, her wrapped in one of the motel towels, hair wet, body all hot from the shower…this is not helping much you know Faith?

So I paced. Kicked a few empty pizza cartons under my bed. Dropped a few beer cans in the trash and tried to do something with the heap of clothes on my floor but in the end thought fuck it! Slayer has already seen I'm a pig when she first came in here, why try and impress her now? And I'm just on my millionth lap of walking around my room. My leathers only a fraction cooler, my pulse not anywhere near the normal rate. And my head tucked down so I'm not staring at the same fucking walls I always stare at driving me insane, when she comes out of the bathroom, wrapped in that towel I knew she'd be in and goes…

"Faith, you got some clothe...oomph!"

She didn't get to finish 'cause I walked straight into her!

Not good Faith. So not good! Don't need to be pressed up against a damp towel that's wrapped around a naked Slayer. Don't need to be grabbing her arms to steady the both of us. Don't need to be not letting those arms go either. Let them go Faith! I'm screaming at myself. Let them go if you don't want to follow through with what your heart is hammering in your chest…kiss her…kiss B…tell her…tell her everything.

NO FUCKING WAY!

Remember I said I didn't want my heart to be ripped out?

I jumped back from her like she was a live wire and just given me one mother of an electric shock. Come to think of it that ain't far from the truth. My skin is still buzzing from Slayer contact now.

"Jeez B, you could have knocked or something?"

Okay dumb thing to say. You usually knock going into a bathroom not the other way around.

She's got this weird expression on her face. Half smile, half grrr, and half something I'm trying not to let my mind think was desire. I know that's too many halves but fuck, who's counting?

"Sorry, I wasn't aware pacing up and down your room was a private moment."

Pacing? How'd she know? Another dumb thing I did tonight my boots can be heard a mile off when I'm walking light. I was freakin' stomping the tension out in my room tonight.

"I…well…I…you know I might have been naked or something?"

Wish I could tell you I didn't really say that and actually came out with some wicked funny line to wipe that look off her face and turn the tables so she was Stuttery Slayer not me. But I did actually sound like T-T-Tara's pissed off twin or something. Things can't get any worse, right?

When I said what I did, and I did sound pissed off a little too much, but you know naked Slayer contact not a good thing when I'm a ball of fire already. Well when I said it B went all hurt pouty face on me. How she has so many expressions she looks cute using I don't know? I've just got the standard five I'm sure of it. Faith pissed off. Faith mad as hell. Faith gonna kick your ass. Faith woo-hoo happy. And the one no one sees but me if I look in the mirror. Faith loving the blonde girl called Buffy. And I'm goddamn certain I'm not using that one tonight. Still I didn't want Faith pissed off showing up either, 'cause B looked pouty already. And suddenly that tension between me and her has dropped in the air again. Making it all thick and difficult to breathe in. Or maybe that was down to B still wrapped in that towel. Right, gotta get her out of that towel, and I'm sad to report it wasn't in the way I wanted to get her out of the towel believe me. She'd started to shiver a little too. Didn't think it was that cold in my room but it was enough for me to notice her shake and get my mind working again.

"Clothes right? You need some clothes." Like I was telling her something she didn't know already.

"What?" Okay so maybe I did tell her something she didn't know already.

"Huh?" I look at her again and the pouty face has gone and now...now there's some other look there. Some look I can't quite read 'cause my mind is doing the tornado thing again and I really need to get B dressed before it's too late, and the whirlwind inside drops a big old house on the two of us in the shape of my body pressed real tight against hers.

It didn't take me long to find her something. It's not like I have an extensive wardrobe or anything. And there really was only one colour to choose from. She gets a little too close as I'm looking through the closet, you know, over my shoulder kinda deal, and suddenly the B I know has returned, 'cause in her deadpan voice she goes...

"Jeez Faith, got anything in technicolor in there?"

I gave her my full on sarcastic smile and replied.

"Well I went by the store for a pastel sweater but they told me a Buffy Summers cleaned them right out before I got there."

That's what Giles would call touché B.

Her eyebrows knitted together and I'm thinking B has lost her sense of humour all of a sudden. Then she smirks at me. Her that-was-funny smirk. And her voice is all low and treacly when she speaks. It kinda wrapped around me and swallowed me whole.

"Well I guess I could do with a little black number. You got a little black dress in there Faith?"

WHAT? Did B really just say that? Yep she said it all right. I replayed it instantly in my mind and I'm still hearing the way her words dripped like honey from her mouth now.

So this was where I came back with something sly and witty yeah? Some slutty remark to throw her off-beam again. Something that was flirty and double-entendre'd.

I went with...

"No, actually I don't."

Can you believe that? I don't have a little black dress in my closet. It's about the one item in black I don't have, but I could have lied! Hello, lame here? Why the fuck didn't I just lie to her? It wouldn't have been a big lie anyway and she would have probably pulled me up on it straight away., You know kinda daring herself to ask to wear it and I would have been all 'oh its at the dry cleaners.' See I'm able to think of a lie now.

Shit.

So there's not much she can say to that. 'Oh' falls from her lips, minus all the drippy treacle she spoke with before, and she moves away from me whilst I dig out an old pair of Levi's and a tee for her. Welcome to awkward tension again. Thanks for that whichever fuckwit that made me say that in the first place, thanks a lot!

She got changed in the bathroom. Without a word she took the clothes in there and ten minutes later I heard this tapping and it was her knocking on the bathroom door. She can be such a cute spaz sometimes. Made me laugh at least and helped digest the tension in the air a bit. She looked kinda odd in my clothes. It's always weird seeing someone else in your own clothes though. The tee was a bit too baggy for her. She has a good rack for sure but not much can compete with yours truly in that arena. And the Levi's hung off her hips slightly. She has like the tiniest waist. Bet I could wrap my hands around it and get my fingers to touch behind her...okay stop running with that thought I told myself and shot up off the bed I hadn't realised I'd collapsed on the minute she'd left the room.

"Black suits you B." Try and keep things together this time Faith girl.

She looked down at herself, as if she was checking my statement out for herself. Like she didn't believe me you know?

"Really you should wear it more often." Okay testing the water now, seeing how far I can take things with her again.

Again another self-appraisal, jeez is it so hard to compliment this girl?

Finally she speaks.

"Black is good. I mean I've got nothing against black. Like some of my closest friends wear it and there are some occasions when it's you know, necessary as a fashion choice. Funerals for example, and er, something else not quite so depressing like memorial services. No wait that would still be depressing. Job interviews! I hear you should wear black for job interviews, unless that's not wear black 'cause you don't want to them to think you're all weird and into Goth music. Not that wearing black is weird or means you're into Goth music though, I didn't mean that. Say what music do you listen to anyway Faith?"

Wow. I might have that written down wrong you know, it's hard to catch all of a Buffy-Babble when she gets going, but man wow eh? Lucky that didn't come with the Chosen One package deal. I'd hyperventilate if I spoke the way she does.

I didn't answer her 'cause I figured she doesn't really want to know, and she's probably trying to figure out what got her started on that rant in the first place so she wouldn't catch my reply anyway. Instead I go back to the bed, kinda sprawl myself out a bit and just watch her. The air is clear between us again and I like this time with her when we're okay, five-by-five with each other and nothing either of us says can fuck it up. But just 'cause I don't fuck it up with words, doesn't mean I can't fuck it up some other way.

It was when she caught me watching her. She was running her hands through her hair tying it back in a ponytail and I was thinking how I wanted to run my hands through her golden hair and pull her in for a kiss. It was when she caught me off guard by looking back at me too quickly and I was a second too slow to wipe that want from my eyes. The desire for her that's growing every single day I see her. It was when I realised it was too late to hide that look from her and I decided to let it settle on my face completely, that I fucked things up between us.

"Jeez, is that the time? Would you look at that. Way past my bedtime Faith. Mom will be worried and I promised I'd read Dawn a bedtime story before she went to sleep. 'Cause you know how teenagers like that these days. And well, big day tomorrow and everything. College, study, college again, more study. In fact lots of study for Buffy tomorrow, so best give my brain a chance to charge up for it. And you know beauty sleep also a factor. Don't get up though, and thanks for the clothes. I'll see myself out. See here's the door already, I found it. Night then Faith, er sweet...well you know, don't have nightmares. Bye."

I get the point B. Couldn't wait to leave me. Yeah, got that now.

Five-by... fuck it.