(September 2000 cont)

Man I'm shaking again. Just getting this far going through everything has made my skin crawl and my nerves to stand on edge. The heat in my body is back just like when I found her laying there...broken...Wait, hold it there Faith. Skipping ahead is not going to help here. A few calming breaths is all you need. Everything is going to be ok.

She's still sleeping soundly on my bed. Curled underneath the covers in that tight position that's supposed to be like when you were in the womb. How the hell can a person remember what it was like to be in the womb anyway? Or want to go back into it? Gross much.

And again with the irrelevant thoughts. You know, I'm getting more like B every day. Hey least my smile's returning with that thought. There are definitely worst people in this shitty world I could become. And I know that from experience.

Just calm your breath down and stop the anger.

Stop seeing it in your head girl!

You did all you could.

What you had to do.

And come the morning things will be five by five. I know they will. She said they will. Just gotta get through the night first, and through this. I knew going into this would bring out the grrr in me. Fuck it! Why do I set myself up to fail so often? I can't even hold onto that goddamn smile I had earlier on when I started out on this thing. There I was happy watching the Slayer sleep. Making goofy smiling faces every time she moved slightly in the bed, or when her breathing turned into that light snoring I bet she'd be mortified to find out about. Yeah I was doing okay back then. I should have known this would happen. I should have taken that advice to not try and go into this for some dumb posterity's sake and left well alone.

Just like he should have left well alone.

Shit.

I'm not getting rid of this as easy as I thought. But fuck it if I'm giving up now. Besides there's got to be that happy slayer of before somewhere at the end of this, right? Either that or B will wake up and I won't have to finish anyway and this can sit unfinished in the bottom of some drawer. Just like so many things in my life are resting somewhere unfinished. Gathering dust like bones in a grave, 'cause it's easier to leave them behind than try and give them a proper end.

Well not this time. This time I am finishing something I started. I'm not going to let her come along and do the job for me by waking up and smiling. Causing all my emotions in my head and my heart to meld together, so I don't know where I stop and she begins. I can't let her do that for me this time. I can't let someone else clear this mess up. This mess in my head that can't bring itself to be written down without me clawing at my arms with my nails. Gripping the pen so tight my knuckles have gone white and if she wasn't here in my room, if she'd turned away from me last night instead of to me, I know it wouldn't be just my blunt nails I'd be searing my skin with now.

See how worked up I am B? All 'cause of you.

You have that effect on people, B. We found that out last night.

Calm. Deep. Breath.

Right here goes. Let's spin that wheel of fate one more time Faith girl, and just hold on for the ride.

Don't know if I mentioned this before, but that hangout me and the Slayer found where Form Guy was holed up, and where I got my butt kicked by those super vamps, was out by the docks. One of the old warehouses you just know are gonna be inhabited by the lower scumbags not-of-this-Earth, 'cause the new Mayor won't pay the cops enough to patrol there at night. Suddenly us chasing that slime demon a few weeks back makes more sense as I found myself jogging along a similar boardwalk as to then. The weight of the axe banging comfortably against my back, my jacket looking a little misshapen with all the 'fire' power in there. But hell I wasn't up for the Slayer Beauty Pageant or nothing, and I'm pretty sure the spray from the ocean wasn't doing anything for my hair anyway. I was in Slayer Mode you know? Only this time I wasn't protecting some dumb kid outside the Bronze from being a human-size snack for the walking dead, I was protecting my reason for being. And if you think that thought is heavy written safely down in this book a day after the fact, when all the shit there was to go down already has, just think what that thought did to me standing outside that warehouse, not knowing what I was about to face or what state B was in inside.

Yeah, pretty much numbed my body then too.

Had to get rid of that feeling right? Couldn't go all paralysed slayer again. Lucky there is never anyone around who notices how I do that 'cause of B. My rep would never recover. And wouldn't you know it? Faith's shitty luck actually runs into the positive for once, 'cause right around the corner come two mean looking vamps, doing a patrol of their own. Actually chatting away to each other as if they were on some lame ass security guard detail wanting to get back inside for the Laker game. Not looking up ahead where there was one very grateful slayer ready with her stake in one hand, the axe in the other, and a 'come get me boys' expression in her eyes.

Man I love it when it's just me and the vamps sometimes.

There was little finesse to the slay, I gotta admit. Not as lame as a previous one not a 100 yards away from that spot but all I needed to do was dust them and not draw too much attention to the fact that I was doing it, right? Run, jump and kick. The first vamp went down whilst the second one's head lifted smoothly off his shoulders, followed by a shitload of dust, when the axe cut cleanly through him. I then dropped to my knees by the floored vamp and before he could even blink I'd stuck a stake through his heart and he joined his dusty buddy in the air. It was a quick kill by my standards, but I was moving slayer again and I was headed for the door.

Unlike my rather vocal entrance into the Magic Box earlier on I managed to slip inside the warehouse without making a sound. It was your typical rundown building, rotting beams above me, lots of leftover crates and planks everywhere, enough dust and scum on the floor you'd think a nest full of vamps had already had the Slayer on their case. Hey, maybe they had? Maybe I really was too late and B and Army Boy had slayed and run 'cause I couldn't see any action going on when I first got in there. No sign of the happy couple as my eyes adjusted to the dark. Nor was there any sign of a dead ancient sea demon either so I figured there was still some fun to be had that night. I made my way around what was once an office I reckon, all its windows long since shattered. That's when I started to get a slayer tingle. It's such a neat feeling when that happens you know? Like a soft cool hand running up your spine caressing the skin so slightly it almost feels as though nothing is there.

But something was.

Something was hiding in that office and had seen me walk past the broken windows. Another lookout, this Form Guy sure had his bases covered. Now my eyes had adjusted properly and that handy slayer sense was kicking in so I could see, hear and feel everything more acutely, I realised I hadn't made it all the way inside this demon fuck's lair after all. It seemed to be partitioned off with these massive metal doors that looked like they hung on some sort of rail so they could be opened up. No windows or openings anywhere along that fake wall either. I had to give Form Guy credit for his choice in location, fuck knows how many vamps were hiding out in here trying to prevent anyone getting in.

I blocked the next thought that ran through my mind before it could slow me down again and leave me wide open for the scumbag that was getting closer behind me. I couldn't contemplate that B never made it past this bit 'cause of the dead weight she was carrying. I had to believe that she was further inside and the reason I wasn't being jumped on by more than the one vamp now, was 'cause she'd come through here like a fucking slayer hurricane and taken most of this guy's bros out.

I had to believe that you know? Because the alternative thought was going to get me killed.

I flipped the vamp over my shoulder but the force of him jumping me made me lose my balance and I fell over with him. Both of us were with the speedy recovery and were up again in a few seconds. The axe was useless this time 'cause I didn't have the time to un-strap it, and he wasn't giving me a chance to reach in my jacket for a stake 'cause he rushed me again. This guy could have been a quarterback if he found some super-nova sunblock. There was nothing I could do to avoid the full on body slam. I went with it, relaxing completely so it wouldn't jar as much when I fell backwards, tucking into a roll and propelling him over my head. We were making a little too much noise and I really didn't want any of his buddies joining in with the fun, 'cause right then I wasn't feeling in the mood for a bit of group action. This time I flipped to my feet first and managed to roundhouse kick the vamp's face as he was kneeling, trying to stand himself. The force knocked most of his jaw to one side and he yelled like a girl, which was kinda funny at the time 'cause this vamp sure wasn't built like one.

I started to feel that rush through my body, all my nerves electrified one by one and my skin started to heat up as I heard a few bones loosen themselves with my next assault on his dead ribcage. Though I didn't want to take too much time with this one it sure felt good to get warmed up for a kill by offing a vamp or two first. And maybe in the back of my mind I knew it helped me prepare to see B face to face too. If I could get rid of some of the grrr inside me first, I won't overreact if she tells me to fuck off and leave the saving of innocents up to her and Army Boy. With one last punch to his face I freed a stake from my pocket and wham, no more dead guy on the floor beside me. Just another mound of dust already settling down as if it belonged there.

Breathing heaving, wiping sweat and some blood from my face which at first I didn't even realise was mine. Huh, the bastard must have got lucky with the one punch that got through my defences, I felt a gash above my left eye. I stood up and calmed everything down inside for a few seconds. I focused again on the room I was in, satisfied that no one else was going to come and interrupt me I began searching for a way through those big metal doors.

I found…nothing. It was like a frickin' fortress or something. Smart move Form Guy, you really like your privacy dontcha? I began to feel the panic coming on. It's always such a weird feeling when that happens, mainly 'cause it doesn't happen to a slayer often. In fact it's only been happening to me since I came to dear old Sunnydale and met a girl called Buffy. And then only when I think I'm never going to see her again. Jesus that sounds lame. Me getting all concerned and weirded out just 'cause I couldn't find a way to get to the girl I love. Panicking. Silently running up and down the length of that warehouse. Feeling my heart thump ten times faster than any of those moments when B has touched me, pumping my heart into overdrive like it was now. And all 'cause I was losing my focus, imagining I'd never get the chance to tell B how sorry I was for hurting her. And all the other stuff that was swimming around in my head last night that I wanted to say to her, but 'cause I am such fucking asshole I wasn't going to get the chance to say.

I stopped dead in my tracks. The urge to scream as loud and as fierce as someone who's just been stabbed through the heart, ripped through me and I clamped my hands over my head trying to push the panic away.

What was fucking happening to me?

Where the hell was that slayer focus of before that makes it okay to get on with the job whilst your insides are like a frickin' volcano, erupting with no warning?

How the fuck am I supposed to get on with my life if I never tell B how I feel?

I had to laugh to myself at that moment. Haven't I had that thought before and never done anything about it? God I felt pathetic standing there in that empty space whilst Jesus knows what was going on behind those doors. And I laughed even louder at that feeling, even throwing my head back with the laughter at the absurdity of me thinking I am some mean, kick-em-whilst-they're-down bitch. Someone who has no feelings for anyone other than herself, when in actual fact I'm just as lovesick and needy as Red. And as the laughter started to leave me empty again inside, and I wasn't sure if the tears seeping from my eyes were down to the hysterics the panic had brought on, or were down to something more painful, like the pain living my life has been, I saw something I'd not noticed before. A shaft of light coming from next door shining through a crack or some small window. Way up in the corner of the doors where the top of them met the old iron roof. Right next to a convenient cross-section of beams that I followed back down to the floor to see what I couldn't believe I'd missed before – a ladder.

Suddenly pathetic is joined by a feeling of Xander proportion stupidity inside me when I realise that more than likely B had spotted the very same ladder the minute she'd arrived in here, dusted the lookouts quicker and neater than I had, and hauled her ass up there just like I was doing now. But all without feeling the panic and the hurt and the fucking confusion I had going on a second ago.

Because she is the Slayer, and I'm just a second rate version that doesn't even deserve her friendship, let alone her love.

Oh well I thought to myself as I climbed hand over hand hoping the ladder was sturdier than it looked, this thing between me and B will all be over pretty soon anyway.

'Cause we were either gonna win tonight and kill that demon fuck or we were gonna die trying. If we died then none of this matters anyway right? We'd be on two separate trips then for sure. And if we stayed alive then I'd get my chance to tell her sorry, and I'd be packing my bags come the morning. 'Cause B can't really love me the way I love her.

At least it will be over between us.

It's strange but I actually took some weird comfort from that thought and I managed to focus again. The locking away of emotions started to happen as I finally reached the beams in the roof and hauled myself onto them. By the time I came face to face with the Slayer, who apparently had been about to launch her attack from the very entry point I'd been aiming for when she heard some vamp dusting going on back here, I didn't feel anything at all.

"Faith."

B's voice had that same tone to it I knew mine would have when I decided to speak. It was cold, void of any emotion she might be having seeing me there. Like she'd locked herself away too so only the slayer part was on display.

"B."

We were inches away from each other, both clinging to the narrow beams we balanced on. I took a quick look behind her to where the light was coming from, turns out it was a window after all, and I could just about make out a shadow there which by its shape and size had to be Army Boy. Least he hadn't gotten her killed as I'd thought.

I looked back to B. Couldn't read the expression on her face, it was pretty much blank anyway, and it didn't help that we were so dark in shadows even those emerald eyes of hers looked empty.

One of us was going to have to say something. One of us that wasn't me.

"Giles finally got hold of you then?" Was that contempt I heard in her voice or just the emptiness like when she said my name? If I'm to stay locked down with the emotions I have to think it was still just empty.

Get this right Faith.

"Not exactly, long story. But I'm here now."

Okay not the explanation I was going to give but still, she hasn't told me to fuck off yet.

"Better late than never I suppose Faith?" This time it was contempt, and I deserved it I know but still…not a good idea to try being a bitch this high up B.

"If you think you and Army Boy can handle things I'll go shall I?"

And just like back in the Magic Box faced with Giles pissed-offness I acted like a spoilt brat who had all the choices in the world laid out on a plate, when really I have no choice in this thing between me and the Slayer. Never have, never will. But that didn't stop me from turning away from her, making sure I didn't fall ass over tit off of those beams we were perched on. Giving off that 'I don't give a fuck what you do' attitude I displayed so effectively the other night in the Bronze.

I feel this hand on my half turned shoulder. Her fingers gripping the leather too tight for comfort, digging in a little too much and forcing me to turn back around. I breathed in deep again, readying myself for the insults and the anger I was about to face. The anger I deserved.

"Why bother turning up at all if all you are gonna do is be Bitch Faith again?"

Would you look at that? Seems I'm not the only one who notices when she comes out to play for a while. And realising that B could tell when I let the bitch back in started loosening up those emotions inside again, which was definitely not a good thing to start happening believe me.

I shot B what I hoped was the meanest look I can give. Not because what she said had hurt me even though it was right up there with a blade in the stomach. But because I couldn't think of anything to say to her that wouldn't bring on a full scale slayer fight and like I said before, I didn't have time for explanations and apologies the other night. We still had a job to do after all.

I saw her purse her lips and go frowny on me the way she does when she knows she is in the right and it doesnt' matter what I say or do, she ain't shifting her ground and letting the subject drop. And I can feel the bitch inside me really begin to rise, 'cause goddamn it I came here tonight with the best fucking intentions. It's not like I feel completely on top of my game either as that hangover from hell was still clinging around my rough edges some. Plus the whole having to be in the same room as Army Boy and more than likely end up saving his sorry ass wasn't exactly bringing the fun in much either…and well…

...oh for fucksake!

Being so close to B knowing how only the previous night I'd got to hold her and touch her and it was all okay to do that wasn't exactly making me think straight anymore.

I geared myself up for letting her have it with both barrels even if we didn't have time to join the debate team right then, when her eyes changed from angry and defiant to that look in them I've been able to glimpse more often than not lately. The look that makes me think somewhere deep down inside, B knows she has feelings for me. Seeing her eyes soften, even if it was just a little, managed to stop my big mouth from getting me into more trouble.

She is looking at me more focused now, like she's concentrating on something and her eyes go to that concern I saw in the Magic Box, all those months ago after the Slayer Shiner she gave me.

"You're bleeding."

I am?

Oh yeah, the lucky swing that vamp got past me. That's still bleeding? Man, slayer healing powers get fucked up when your body has other things it's trying to sort through. Not a good advertisement for being a slayer when you come to think about it. You can take the beatings, but if you happen to be wacky with the old love drug, don't expect to make a full recovery any time soon. That kinda explains Angel's scar on her neck I guess. Always bugged me why that never healed properly.

So I'm looking at her confused you know? What with the change in her attitude towards me all of a sudden, and me still bleeding after one lousy cut. And I'm also with the thoughts here that B must think I am the lamest slayer ever, 'cause she would have faced the same level of vamps I did on my way in here and I don't see her bleeding dry. So she is probably thinking that even if I wasn't being a bitch she could do without my kinda help anyway. She was already carrying with her one dead weight, she didn't need a second millstone around her neck…

…that sounds like a much longer detailed thought than obviously I had time for the other night. But you get what I'm trying to say right? I had come off second best slayer again and B must know by now it's 'cause my focus is always on her.

"Uh…it doesn't hurt much." Which was true, it didn't hurt at all really. I hadn't even remembered that I'd been hurt until she went all concerned and sympathetic on me.

Just to prove it and show that I am really tough and don't need no cheerleader girlfriend to come fix me up mid-game, I brushed my hand over the cut, smearing the blood a little and tried to act all cool collected Faith, but even a slayer can't outdo simple laws of nature.

You ever touched an open wound with sweaty dirty hands? Okay try this then. You know how you cut yourself at school? You're fooling around with a knife from art class and whoops blood everywhere, so the sixth grade teacher sends you off to the nurse and she has that clear stuff in a bottle. Smells like peroxide, and she says to you 'now this may sting a little.' It doesn't just sting a little right? Hurts like hell for like 20 intense seconds but then wears off right?

You can see where I'm going with this can't you?

Yeah, might have convinced B up there on those beams, that I was really okay if it hadn't been for my instant regret of touching that cut. Followed by squinting of the eyes and sharp sucky intake of breath when that stinging, 'ouch you said it would only hurt a little' shit started happening, and there is fuck all you can do to stop it. Man it stung like hell. There was nothing I could to hide the fact it stung like hell. Except start willing it to not hurt and not start bleeding again. You can do that you know? Will something to stop hurting. It's part of the slayer package I think, or maybe it's something everyone has, that whole mind over matter shit I bet T-T-Tara is into. Except it doesn't seem to work real well when I do it. Just take a look at the mess my heart has been in for the past couple of months. I had no chance of stopping that screwed up hurt face up on those beams last night, when I hadn't been able to stop my heart from bleeding each time she is near.

So I'm really trying to stay with the hard as nails version of Faith that's seen me through similar times like this when I don't want anyone to see me flinch, especially not her. And I'm now reconsidering why I even bothered to crawl out of bed today 'cause let's face it, we all know when I try to do the right thing it always backfires on me. Seems like now was no different. But just as I am on the brink of accepting defeat, probably for the first time in my life, and leaving the hero stuff to B, she reaches out her hand to my face and wipes some of the blood that's trickling down my cheek away.

"I'm glad you're here."

That's it. There go the last of my emotions that were locked down inside and now I'm at the mercy of the girl in front of me, her hand still resting on my cheek.

Okay whatever you say here Faith, it's got to be the real you that says it. You know you have to go with the honesty for once, even if it's not exactly the right time and place to do it.

"B, about the other night…" Shit the words are sticking in my mouth, god damn it! My mouth has done that dry trick again, any minute now I'm gonna choke, I know it.

"We don't have to talk about it now."

Her voice is different. Colder again maybe. She doesn't want to hear this right now, and I don't blame her but still. I need to say this before I lose whatever it is inside me that's making me do this. I need to say it before she takes her hand away from my face and I go back to being dead inside, as that's how I've felt ever since I turned away from her at the Bronze.

"No please, listen. I'm so sor…"

Went chicken didn't I? Couldn't bring myself to utter that word, 'cause hell it's not a word that's in my limited vocabulary right?

Uh-uh. I almost got the word out, at the same time as I was reaching up to the hand that was now cupping the side of my face with the intent of taking it in my own hand and never letting it go.

I almost got there when this happened.

"Get your hands off her."

Army Boy, your timing really fucking sucks you bastard.

"You gonna make me?" Hey nice one Faith. The bitch is back and for once aiming her venom at someone who deserves it.

"If I have to."

Ha! It's about time I had a good laugh this evening.

"Be my guest Army Boy. Let's see how long you last shall we?"

I have this vague idea at this point, this distant awareness that B has recoiled back from me and is doing her frowny hurt face again. It could have been aimed at me or at the asshole that had managed to do it again and interrupt the moment when all the walls between me and B are down. I didn't know which the other night and I sure as shit didn't have the time nor the focus to find out either.

But whatever B was feeling toward me and toward Army Boy was well hidden by the slayer resolve that escapes me so often, and any macho crap me and him were gonna get into she was just not gonna stand for.

"Stop it both of you."

I was gonna go with 'he started it'. You know, in that whiny voice I've heard Dawnie use when Mrs S insists she has to clean up her own mess for once, but I look at the expression in B's eyes and if people have called me a dumbass before now, they wouldn't have at that moment, 'cause for once I chose the right course of action and stayed silent.

B was about to lose her cool that look in her eyes told me. And I really didn't want to be on the receiving end of it when the slightest raised voice could not only tip us off that high beam we were on, but would also tip off the hell demon we were supposed to be making a house-call to that he wasn't alone now.

Pity Army Boy didn't have the same idea really. Or actually no it wasn't a pity now I come to think about it.

"She started it Buffy."

Could you be more lame asshole?

I might have sniggered at him at this point but luckily B's anger was pretty much raised, and she didn't even give me a second glance. Instead those emerald eyes of hers were for once showing their contempt for that son of a bitch in a look I've only dreamt she'd give him.

"For god's sake Riley grow up. I don't have time for your ego to be offended right now. Faith and I have a job to do, so either shut up and let us do it or else…"

She trailed off, don't know why. I could sure think of a million things to end that sentence with, 'or else fuck off' was the first one that sprung to mind.

"Or else what?" Army Boy's square jaw is clenching. Oh he's mad B, better be careful now.

"Let's just get this over with shall we?"

Ever the diplomat there B. But I wasn't gonna argue. We'd spent far too much time up there as it was, and I sure as shit could use a fight to work off all the sudden tension in the air. I'm guessing B felt the same way.

"So what's the plan then B?" Keeping it on a safe and purely professional path from now on I'm thinking. For my effort I don't get the cold stony stare Army Boy got.

"Well I was thinking of going in there and kicking some demon ass then breaking out the Ben and Jerry's. Should be simple enough don't ya think Faith?"

I only nod, trying to hide the grin that wanted to break out all across my face 'cause B was acting normal with me again. Didn't trust my voice to get in on the act and not ruin things again, you know?

I followed the Slayer through to the other side…

…and shortly after all hell broke loose.