(September 2000 cont)

I want this to be over now.

I am so close to ripping the pages out of this goddamn book.

So close to the anger and the pain of before.

What the fuck am I doing this for? 'Cause B is sleeping in my room and I can't and it's not fair to switch the Playstation on? Lame much. If that's why I'm doing this then I'm burning this motherfucker now…

…who's gonna read this shit anyway? It's not like I'm gonna let any of the Scoobies have a read, or lend it to B when she has some down time and ask her to give me marks out of ten for style and grammar. And do I really want to read over this again when it's taking all the will power and slayer control I have left to get through simply writing it down in the first place?

In the past it's always helped me to go over things in here. Things I'd never say to anyone else. About how I feel. What I think. Hell the very notion that Big Bad Faith has feelings and is capable of thought is preposterous (a Giles-ism) according to most of the Scoobies. If I actually tried saying in person what I can and can't so easily write down in here…

…well let's face it I wouldn't do something like that.

So because I can't say it out loud I sit here bunched up in the crappy chair by the low lamp that's beginning to strain my eyes. Watching the sun become brighter on B's face, all the time seeing how peacefully the Slayer is sleeping. Wondering about all the shit from last night and all the other shit that came before it. Thinking about what might happen next when she wakes up. Most of all trying, desperately trying, to bring this to an end before she interrupts me and my life goes to Hell again if she doesn't return the words I said to her last night.

No Faith.

You're not going into that now.

It's bad enough that in my head I got anger and hate warring with each other, like they were when we'd finally killed that big demon fuck last night. Add to that the doubts and fears about how B is gonna react come morning, and I really do think it will send me over the edge.

Okay, so I'm walking the knife's edge here, bear with me if this takes awhile to get myself back on the main highway.

So I'm facing off against another demon, not as big or as menacing as Clawhands earlier or strong as one of the super-vamps. It's giving me no trouble to get rid of it and I catch that the Slayer is approaching Form Guy, ready with the axe I gave her. I'm down to my last stake I suddenly realise, which ain't much use when you are facing off against a demon, but I do have the blade that got rid of Clawhands still tucked in my boot, and I think to myself, it's just gonna have to do 'cause it was now or never time, you know?

Last thought I managed before the one that so closely resembled a prayer came rushing through my head, hoping that B wouldn't get herself killed trying to kill the Formorii demon, was that Red and the rest of the Scoobies back at the shop were still working their mojo, and this didn't turn into another slayer-butt-kicking fest like last time.

But on that score I needn't have worried.

Not that the Formorii went easily that is.

Remember he was a big demon fuck. That's what had spooked me and B before, the sheer size of him. Well, and this is purely hypothetical here, but it looked as though he had shrunk a few sizes. Seriously man, from the angle I was looking at, and admittedly I'm dodging those fireballs again and trying to throw the chunks of concrete and crap that are falling down on me back at him, so I'm not exactly with the perfect view. But from where I was it did look like something had shrunk him. Not by any great amount so all B would have to do is squish him under foot like she did that one time at Halloween. Forget the name of that demon there's been so fucking many you know? But Form Guy was beginning to look less like a threat and more your common garden variety of scum we slayers are used to killing.

And I'm also gonna go with the hypothetical here that all this is down to what Giles and Red had going on back at the Magic Box – go team Scooby is all I say.

The one thing I had to keep focused on was not getting hit by one of those fireballs, and to keep dodging out of the way of what they eventually hit ricocheting back at me.

Another sure thing that kept creeping into mind last night was as soon as we killed this fucker, we were gonna have to get our asses out of there so fast. That warehouse wasn't gonna keep standing much longer with all the fireballs flying around. And I don't know what B's thoughts on the matter are, but I know I don't want my obit' in the Watcher's Weekly to read 'Slayers crushed in freak warehouse collapse.' Not exactly the blaze of glory we both deserve is it?

But all that is after we kill the Formorii, right then and there I was doing the dodge-ball thing. Only slightly less lethal than the version I remember playing in Gym Class.

I watched B very stealthily approach Form Guy from the side. The axe and the glint in her emerald eyes making her look like a killer, rather than a slayer for a few seconds. It gave me a weird chill to see that look on her face when I know it is almost the exact mirror of the look I used to wear. Back when things were crazy between me and the others. Back when I cared nothing for slaying but got to taste killing a little, and the taste was tantalisingly sweet.

That's an expression I don't wear anymore (we're not including what I did to that vamp in place of Army Boy, in fact we're not even going there okay?) and it was an expression that didn't last long in the eyes of B now. I think she was just getting focused and like me, wanted this to be over with before either of us got killed. But still, seeing her girl-next-door eyes go psycho for a moment gave me brief pause to think what she sees in my eyes sometimes…thankfully I didn't have to contemplate the thought too much as another wave of fireballs flew their way to me, but by now I'm down with dodging them and they barely singe my leather.

Now, unlike some lame jocks I could mention that have screwed up similar surprise attacks in the past by watching where B moved and showing on his face for the entire world to see that there was someone behind you, I didn't tip Form Guy off at all. I'm not sure how I managed not to focus and follow B's every move just to make sure nothing happened to her, but I did it all the same. Comes down to trust I guess. In the end I had to trust B that she'd be okay and would take care of herself, just like she had to trust that I would do the same thing. The end result of this kind of trust and simple belief that the other person on your team has it covered, meant in our case when B took her first swing at Form Guy with the axe, he literally didn't know what hit him.

A screech, louder than anything we'd heard before, louder even than the deafening cry that demon with the lacerated face gave out earlier on when I stuck it to him, echoed around the warehouse as soon as B made that first impression with the axe.

A long high-pitched wail.

I swear it shook the ground we were on and the pillars that were left holding up the warehouse shuddered a bit too much for my liking. It hurt your ears too. Not enough to burst 'em or do serious damage, but made it difficult to keep focused on the here and now around you. Part of you wanting to put your hands over your ears to try and block that blood-curdling sound out, and the other part knowing that you needed at least one hand to keep hold of the weapon you'd picked up.

In amongst all this, I remember thinking to myself that killing Form Guy was going to be wicked difficult not because of his demon strength or well thought out battle plan, it was going to be wicked difficult to kill him if we couldn't get him to shut the fuck up in the first place!

Dawned on me a second slower than it did the Slayer.

That wail wasn't exactly the Form Guy crying out in pain. He was calling for reinforcements.

Why do I think B knew this before me?

'Cause a second before I was about to become a headless slayer she shouted out to me, her voice all panicky and loud.

"Faith look out!"

A demon I could have sworn I'd killed twice already that night had a big chunk of wood that had fallen from the roof in his hands, and was aiming it straight at my head. If B hadn't seen it first I'd be finding it a little hard to focus on this book right now, get it? Okay, so now it's kinda funny, when it happened I had a brief thought of…

…'What the fuck?!'

Then an even briefer reaction to the incoming wood…

…duck!

The rest was just instinct after that. Not even a passing thought for B and how she was doing against the screeching old Form Guy was getting down to. I had a new wave of supervamps to contend with. Fuck knows where they sprang up from. You'd have thought we'd killed every last fucker in there the way we fought first time around, but no. I had to pull a steal to third base even though my lungs were beginning to burn with the workout I was giving my body. And my fists had done that blue-black thing over the knuckles, a few of them bloodied.

But I had to keep on fighting.

From somewhere deep inside, so far inside that it takes intense pressure during a fight to bring her out, the first Primal Slayer lies within me. As I receive a vicious fist to the face from a super-vamp I feel her rise to the surface. If there was still a part of me that felt like a killer it would be when she comes out to help me fight. There is just something inherently evil about the first slayer. Something slightly off kilter. Like she might have killed a few innocent people in her time. She might have made the mistakes I did. I've never asked B if she feels the original Chosen One come to the surface during a hard battle like this. It's not really something I want to admit to nor find out from pure, innocent Buffy, that it's something she savours as much as I do. I mean how would you bring it up in conversation?

'You know, when we fight you ever feel like going primal on the vamp's ass, and ripping the dead skin off his dead body to make a halter-top with?'

Yeah I know, I'd never wear a halter-top.

Well even if the first slayer makes me a little jumpy and edgy when she rears her ugly head out from deep within me, last night I was sure glad she showed up. I had the extra strength to keep the super-vamps off me, and more importantly out of reach of B, as she did battle with the Formorii. And man, did that guy not want to leave his party early.

I didn't see all of it. And what with everything that happened afterwards it's hardly been appropriate to get the transcript off of B. But I saw enough to know she had the same problem I was having with the vamps. Slayer energy levels were slipping and he was nowhere near dead enough. Somehow the axe had gotten thrown aside and it was out of her reach. It became my priority to get that back to her, but I just couldn't get close enough without risking bringing the vamps closer to her, and she already had enough on her plate. I could see she had no other weapon to hand. 'Bad form' as Giles might have commented had this been one of his role-playing training sessions. She was doing what she did best though, to keep Form Guy from hurting her too badly. High kicks, and back flips, and roundhouse kicks, and double blocks. Man she'll have bruises for days I remember thinking.

Then I see an opening. A chance she has to get Formorii right where it hurts if only she had a weapon. He's severely winded after the last blow she dealt him, I'm thinking Wicca interference again, and he's left himself wide open. If only B had a knife or something. Well I had a knife, admittedly right then it was the only thing keeping the super-vamp before me at bay 'cause every time he came near I stuck it to him, but fuck it, right? B had to save the world right then and all she had in her arsenal was her lame chicken joke and a mean pair of heels.

"B, catch!"

She didn't have time to protest my actions this time. With the agility and hand-eye co-ordination us slayers are famous for, B caught the knife, dived straight for the Formorii, aiming for his throat.

One thing all demons have in common with the human race, and proof should you need it that demons are indeed human hybrids gone twisted, is the vulnerability they all have in the neck region, just like us. Ironic isn't it? It's the neck the vamps go for, yet if you get a clean swoop with a large enough blade at their necks, they're the ones literally biting dust. And I'm sure the Formorii the other night thought it a tad ironic that with all his powers and all his muscle having protected him so well for so long, it was a little blonde chick with some wicked moves and a sharp knife that finished him off.

I didn't catch the death throws even though I could hear them like white noise cranked up to the mega-decimal region. No protection other than my weakening hands and legs against the super-vamp left me super-vulnerable.

Not a bad way to go. I contemplate as he has me pinned to the ground. Still not sure how he did that.

Okay so this is it. I've been here before, vamp above me poised with his teeth to make his mark, only this time I've run out of strength to kick him off of me. He's wrapped his hand around my throat so I can't even call for B's help. And as he's choking me at the same time as beginning to bite into my neck, all I can think about are the words that I want to say to B…

…I love you.

I do. I love you B. Can't remember a time that I didn't love you. Don't want to think about when I never knew you. When you weren't the huge part of my life that you are now.

I love you.

A lot of good that was doing me last night. The vamp's teeth piercing the skin on my neck and me going all gooey-T-T-Tara like over my feelings for B. And what the hell point had there been in keeping 'em buried for so long if I wasn't gonna fight now to stay alive and finally tell the girl how I feel? Only I really didn't have the strength to fight anymore…

…and as luck would have it neither did super-vamp. All the stabs I gave him with my knife and the mess I made of his ribs finally caught up with him once old Form Guy finally bit the dust. Even though he wanted to have me as his last meal he couldn't quite manage to suck as hard as he could have if his boss with all the extra juice he gave him was still around. He starts to falter, winces a few times as he realises he has a few gaping holes in his midsection that aren't healing anymore. What little morsel of strength I had left, what small part of the Primal Slayer still runs through my veins manages to force him off me, so both of us are lying prone on the floor. But he's not finished off yet and rule one of Slayerdom, don't leave a vamp alive even if they look half dead.

I look around the floor near me for a stake, or piece of wood, or goddamn it anything that would pierce this fucker's un-beating heart. Of course there wasn't anything, 'cause that would just be too fucking easy. And I'm just thinking I'm about to face death again, 'cause the vamp has some mobility back and he's trying to crawl over to me, when he gets that completely shocked look to his face that I've seen on vamps before, just before they turn to dust. They know that they're about to meet their version of the Grim Reaper, whatever that can be for things already dead, and they get this confused, surprised, whiny look to their faces, ever noticed that? This particular super-vamp's expression was textbook, with the added extra of his head rolling towards me, so I got to see it up close before he exploded into dust.

B had found the axe. Kinda fitting that she should use it in saving my sorry ass don't you think?

I finally see past the dust to the Slayer standing there. Hair a little messed up, blood and dirt mixing in with the peaches and cream complexion I dream about caressing. Clothes that have stains on them you can never get out in the wash, no matter how hard Mrs S tries. Bruises coming up on her hands. One on her face that is already fading. An exhausted, glad-that's-over expression in her eyes.

She looks beautiful I remember thinking to myself.

And a stupid goofy smile crossed over my face at the thought.

It was finally over between us and the bad guys and we could go home.

And perhaps, when we're home and things aren't so crazy in the world me and B can pick up where I left off in the Bronze the other night. I know it probably wasn't the appropriate time to be thinking that just as we'd killed a shitload of demons. Both looking worse off than I remember either of us being in battle before. And don't forget the warehouse we were in was in danger of collapse at any moment.

But sometimes you just can't contain your thoughts and where they lead you. And right then as B walked over to me extending her hand to help me up, all I could think about was holding her tight, and about the brief kiss we shared before all this carnage.

I just couldn't wipe the smile off my face, nor could I help myself when I felt B's hand in my own.

"See B, I said you wouldn't lose me."

I wouldn't let go of her hand. In fact I'm pressing it to my face just to feel her skin against mine. She's shaking a little, whether from adrenaline still pumping through her veins or what I was doing scaring her a little, but she's not pulling away. Just like she didn't pull away that night at the Bronze. And because I've come this far with her I go a little further. I wrap my arms around her and I bring her into my body, and I hold on as if she was the only beautiful thing left in the world. All the more precious because that is how it feels to be around her. She is the only beautiful thing left in the world. At least she is to me.

Even though I've just seen her go down in the slayer record books for killing off the Formorii the way she did, as I'm holding her I can't help thinking how fragile she seems.

How small and delicate and there's that word again, precious.

I always thought so before, but now I had proof in the way B began holding on to me as tightly as I held her. I'd do anything to keep her safe.

And we were about to find out exactly how I'd keep that promise.

Neither of us knew how long we were standing there, holding onto each other so tight you'd think we were the only two to have survived the apocalypse we'd just averted. I know for me time did that stand-still trick it had done in the Bronze when we'd danced. All I can feel, see, hear is B's body against mine. The shallow breaths that catch in her throat as she gradually lets go of the slayer power, now she no longer needs it so much. Her hand reaching up behind me and clinging onto the torn old leather of my jacket, making it creak as she holds onto it, drawing me in closer to her. The axe falls from her other hand, making a loud clanging noise in the otherwise eerily silent warehouse, but neither of us even flinches.

I'm thinking that this is the right time to tell her, before some other demon comes back from the grave and our attention is diverted again.

In a way it's got to be now or never, you know?

I figured that after you've seen off death as many times as I had that night, you don't hang around with the important things in life any longer. You don't choke on the words and second-guess what the Slayer thinks of you.

You just say it.

"B."

My voice comes out hoarse and rough, lungs still burning and my mouth is so goddamn dry from all the screeching and yelling I've been doing. But the Slayer can hear me, and she slowly pulls her head away from my shoulder so she's looking up at me.

"B." I repeat, not quite believing what it is I'm about to say.

"Yes?"

B's voice is as equally rough and very quiet. I wonder if she has any idea what I want to say to her.

I take a deep breath. My hands start to shake where they are holding her. I know she notices. She gives me one of those concerned slayer looks again, making sure I'm not badly injured from the fight. If she interrupts me again and asks me what's wrong I'll lose my chance to speak.

Just say it Faith.

Did I think that? Or did the Slayer speak?

"I love you B."

I look her in those beautiful eyes when I say it so she can't misunderstand me, or imagine that I didn't really mean it, or I intended it as a sisterly-Red kinda love. But just to make sure there are no doubts in the Slayer's mind, and because suddenly I'm feeling bolder than I've ever been in her presence, I whisper it again in her ear.

"I'm in love with you B."

She lets out a sigh when she hears me a second time. Actually it's more like a shiver. I feel her whole body react to me. And I'm feeling pretty damn good right now. She hasn't pushed me away or slapped me or told me to fuck off. Admittedly she hasn't spoken at all since I told her but hey, gotta give the gal time to process.

Suddenly my world feels a thousand times lighter just from telling the Slayer the truth for once. It's like what had been weighing me down all these months. What had led to some mother of black moods, even by my standards, suddenly got stripped away and I felt free somehow.

By saying those three words to the Slayer I managed to finally open my heart up to the light that is out there, that I'd always avoided before. The light I always knew deep down I'd feel when I finally took a chance and told B the truth.

For a few moments I enjoyed the sensation. Until darkness descended once more.

This time in the shape of a very human monster.

I got the feeling that we were being watched, you know how that happens sometimes? It's usually more noticeable when you are the slayer, I think I've noted this down before. We're more akin to the spookiness of eyes on you than your average Joe in the street. And I could feel his eyes upon me a second before I saw him out the corner of my eye, rushing toward me.

He didn't look too happy, and that's you know, an understatement or something.

Bitch of it was I think B was about to say something back to me, just as I grabbed her by the forearms and pushed her away. Didn't want her getting caught when Army Boy lunged for me, which was clearly his intent.

ARGHHHHH!

That's cardboard features rushing at me. Getting his adrenaline going I guess.

OOMPH!

That's both of us falling to the ground as I tried to brace myself against him but sometimes you just can't mess the physics of thing. Besides he'd had a long run up, you know? And for the past shit-knows how long had been conserving his energy out for the count on the ground. While we know what I'd been through in the past half-hour. So shit man, give me some credit that I managed to avoid a full body check completely would you?

"I said…"

BANG!

His hands go to my head and I'm connecting with the stone floor, man I hate when that happens.

"...Get your hands…"

Another crack to the floor, I'm weaker than I thought.

"...Off my girlfriend!"

He goes to hit my head again and there is really nothing I can do to stop him as I'm getting dazed from all this head banging shit, when B finally finds a voice in all this.

"RILEY!"

He stops, holding my head midway between him and the floor.

"Riley, what are you doing?"

It's B's sensitive let's-calm-the-situation-down voice.

And I'm not exactly breaking out the champagne to hear her all soft toward the bastard who just tried to make a dent in the floor with my head.

"What he's doing B is trying to fucking kill me."

Well even if I haven't got much strength left my mouth can still pack a punch.

"What? I…I don't know...what just happened?"

This is Army Boy's attempt at an explanation. He pretends like he doesn't know how he got on top of me. His hands gripping my head are like these alien things someone else must have put there.

'Wasn't me Miss, honest.'

Bullshit! I saw the look in his eyes when he was crashing my head. I know it as the same look I had when I wanted to kill him. So don't go squirming your way out of it, asshole!

And he's playing it like a pro for B's benefit. Pulls his hands away from me real quick so my head goes crashing to the floor again, 'cause I'm too tired and angry to resist gravity at this point.

This is where I start to lose it.

It was a reflex action. Not really planned, instinct if you like. Like that time he got too close to me in training and I lashed out. My head cracked against the floor making my vision all swirling white dots and I swear my teeth rattled, so I did what I had every frickin' right to do. I had one free hand where his thick trunk legs weren't pinning me down and I balled it up into a fist and let him have it. Right in that stupid square jaw of his.

Turns out I had some slayer strength left in me after all.

He wasn't expecting that.

Psyche!

He flew backwards, toppling off me and that was all the excuse I needed to give him a taste of his own medicine…see how you like it fucker. Only he was as quick as one of those super-vamps with his recovery position and I don't get the advantage like I wanted. We're both rolling around on the floor each trying to get the best hold on the other, kicking and lashing out with our fists whenever we could.

And what is B doing through all this you want to know?

Well she ain't cheering her honey on like some cheerleader being fought over after the big game, but she ain't exactly rushing to my aid either. I think I hear her using her indignant voice again to shout at both of us to stop it. But I'm more concerned with paying Army Boy back. To that end I pushed myself away from him 'cause I was getting sick of rolling around on the floor. Wanted to stand on my own two feet, if you know what I mean. I gave him the time to stand up too. Now no one could say I didn't give him a fighting chance.

Just when he has managed to drag his sorry ass off the floor, wiping some spit from his mouth like he's some tough marine or something. At this point I see I didn't do nearly enough damage to him as I'd thought, those Slayer Strength levels aren't as reliable as you'd think! I rush at him just like he did me. Only I managed a full body slam. Sent him flying actually, it was a beautiful sight, for like a second.

I sent him flying alright…and the stupid prick didn't stop until he hit a wooden support beam in the middle of the warehouse that had already been on its last legs before Army Boy crashed into it.

Shitty rotten lucky right?

Remember how I said we should have been racing out of there as soon as we'd killed the Formorri, 'cause the building wasn't exactly structurally sound any longer? Well it was even less sound now, let's put it like that.

We had to get out of there, fast.

B is rushing over to Army Boy to help him up, throwing me a glance that intended to mean 'now look what you've done'.

I've seen that look on a lot of people's faces in my time. Mom, school teachers, even Giles has his own sanitised version of it. I'd never seen B look at me that way before though. I was about to combat it with a 'fuck you' look of my own. I know, sometimes I don't know when to give up, but my attention got diverted when I narrowly escaped being buried under a heap of corrugated iron as the roof above me started to cave in.

And I only managed that 'cause slayer hearing was one step ahead of the game as usual. Thank fuck for small mercies, right?

So B helps a perfectly able Army Boy to his feet and to the only exit open to us, a ground floor window well smashed by now. And I can do nothing but tag along, 'cause I don't want my ass buried in there just as much as they don't.

She does the noble thing and helps him out the window first, he's playing his 'injuries' up just like before but now wasn't the time for me to point it out. The beams and roof behind us really start to buckle now, crashing down everywhere. Burying the demon dead we left behind which saves on awkward explanations to the local cops I guess. B gets one leg through the window. I had to bite back some sarcasm along the lines of 'no B you go first, I insist' as she did this, it was like I'd suddenly become invisible girl or something. As I'm waiting for her to get herself all the way through so I can do the same, I take a last look around the warehouse, thinking of everything that had happened there that night. The kiss. The fight. The pain. The confession I whispered in B's ear, all blurred into one thing as beams were falling, and dust and god knows what else started filling the air.

And that's when I saw it laying on the floor in the middle of the room, abandoned and forgotten. Mirroring how I felt inside.

That's probably why I went all the way back in to get it, dodging the roof and debris falling down around me. Ignoring B's panicked voice coming from the window. Suddenly the most important thing to me was getting to it, picking it up, and taking it back to Giles. Like it was an extension of the Slayer and I'd promised them all I'd keep her safe. And well, if she won't let me close enough to do that, the least I can do is take the axe home to where it belongs.

I know it sounds like an insane thing to do, and it is, I mean it was, whatever! But like I said, it seemed very important there and then that I do it.

When I finally make it outside the warehouse to where the two of them are waiting at a safe distance, Army Boy looking remarkably recovered, the axe safely tucked under my arm I'm pleased to say, I'm faced with the full-on might of a Buffy Summers' rant.

"What the hell did you do that for? What were you thinking Faith? 'I need to add that to my already huge arsenal of weapons 'cause it goes with my boots.' Of all the stupid, foolish, insane things I've seen you do this is right up with there with..."

"Saying I love you."

I knew that would shut her up.

Pity it didn't have quite the same effect on Army Boy. He scoffed at me muttering under his breath.

"Freak."

"What did you call me?" I heard him. I just wanted the dick to say it again so I could have a reason for kicking the shit out of him.

"I called you a freak." He steps up closer to me like in challenge. What's separating us and I don't even think he realised this, is B between us. Trying to keep the peace again.

She was gonna have a hard time doing so if Army Boy insists on going down this road with me.

"Did you hear me that time?"

No, fucker! Can you hear me? Can you see the anger in my eyes right now? Can you see that in just a moment you are no longer going to be able to stand up on broken legs? Your girlfriend can. She knows you have made me angry. She knows I could very well lose it right now. What is she going to do about it though? Let's see, shall we?

Instead of going with the longer version I paired all my thoughts down to this.

"What's the matter Army Boy? Afraid B might be considering switching sides?"

It's so easy to goad guys over their girlfriend's preferences. Every one of them thinks it's a great idea getting two girls in bed together, until they realise there isn't much use them being there themselves when that happens. I could see I'd hit a pressure point with Army Boy over that one.

He tries a mocking laugh, doesn't quite pull it off though.

"As if you have anything that Buffy needs, let alone wants. You're nothing to her. It's pathetic the way you feel about her. She told me the other night. She can't even stand to be near you. It grosses her out. You repulse her Faith, doesn't she Buffy?"

We both look at the Slayer. I'm barely holding on to my hate for him, but I think to myself if she agrees with him in the slightest then I will just walk away. Even I know there is no point fighting a lost cause. But I was hoping that he was just making all that up. Like he even knows what B is thinking and feeling. No it was cool. I'd get to pound him 'cause she was going to jump in and tell him what an asshole he was being any time now.

She decided to go with…

"I never said repulse."

Oh, well, that's ok then.

My heart sank. The weight of before returning, bringing with it its whole frickin' family by the feel of it. It was this dead weight inside me, dragging everything down, making it difficult to breathe. There was this sharp pain in my chest, like her words were actually a knife, turning around in there. Slicing me in two. It burned, or maybe that was just the anger I could feel coming back to the surface bit by bit. Blurring my vision so it was only focused on one thing. Blocking everything out, even the glimpse of remorse I see flicker across B's face when she realises what she said.

I needed to get out of there. I knew what was going to come next if I didn't get out of there. The burn inside me was getting too hot. The anger rising too quickly.

I needed to get out of there.

Before something happened.

Before this could happen.

"B, if my touch repulses you then you are really going to hate me for this."

Maybe she'd been expecting another kiss. Maybe a gentle caress like the ones we'd been sharing lately. Maybe if I my anger hadn't turned me into its bitch again, I'd have done that. Instead my fist connected with her face before I could even register what I was doing.

I walked away. Army Boy had the sense not to act all knight in shining armour and come after me. Or that could have been B stopping him. Maybe she'd not meant what she said. Maybe he had been making all of it up. I could hear the two of them behind me start to argue and the first seeds of doubt and guilt formed in my mind.

But none of that mattered right then. In the space of ten minutes I'd found and lost the one thing I love most in this world. Hell the only thing I love in this world.

I remember thinking as I walked away from the docks, hot salty tears I freely let fall for once scalding my skin, that I came out here tonight to make up for everything I have done in the past that had ruined things between me and B, and what I actually accomplished was to make everything ten times worse.

A thousand times worse.

A million times worse.

Fuck things couldn't get any worse.

The one fly in that logic ointment being, a slayer should know that things can always get worse.