(September 2000 cont)
So I'm feeling lost.
Back when I left B on the docks, nursing the shiner that I gave her. Gotta love the irony here.
Lost is the only way to describe it. The ache inside, the tears on the outside. Never felt like that before, didn't know how I was supposed to feel if I'm honest.
Lost was the only direction I could go in back when I walked away from the one person that could make me happy. So I kept on walking it as if there was some destination I was desperate to get to. Like what was waiting for me wasn't the reality of what had just happened to me, and I actually wanted to be walking alone, in the dark, tears streaming down my face like T-T-Tara after another fight with Red.
Of course the minute I walked away from the Slayer I regretted everything. The kiss, the confession, the fist in her face. Especially that part. All of it.
The only good that came out of tonight was we killed a Big Bad Demon. Woo-frickin'-hoo. You know, not getting the jollies this time with all the slain behind me like I usually do. Somehow all that relief that the world is a safer place again thanks to us, isn't breaking through this despair I feel deep down inside.
This hollow empty despair.
And I'm still crying. Must have walked half a dozen blocks away from the two of them and I'm still gushing like a fucking teenager at a NSync concert. Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Perhaps for once I should just let the tears fall, 'cause maybe once they're done falling I'll be able to see straight again. So I let them. Slowly I start to give in to the pain inside. I feel the tears come faster and hotter than before. I feel my knees buckle and I'm crashing against the nearest wall, falling to the floor, screaming my pain out for anyone close enough to hear.
I don't need to say this is so not like me, right?
Me scream? I know you can't quite believe it. I didn't believe it last night when I felt the hard stone of the pavement beneath me. Not quite sure how I'd gone from standing to sitting so quickly. Even then the tears won't stop, and I'm doing that hitching thing with my breath so I can at least start to breathe again.
So this is how it feels then? I remember thinking to myself, another racking sob breaking from my chest, and I think there were even snot bubbles by now. I must have looked pathetic.
This is how it is when you finally let go of everything on the inside. It all comes crashing out, burning everything around you. And everything had crashed and burned that night.
I was so close. So close to having her. So close to her in my arms, forever. Why did she have to say that? And why did I have to react the way I did when I heard her say that? Why do I have to go and spoil everything? We'd been solid there, I know we had. There was a moment, a blindingly pure moment of honesty when I told her, I finally fucking told her, how I feel. And then I have to go and ruin it by listening to that fuckwit say his bullshit theory about how the Slayer really feels about me. I didn't have to do that. I'm usually so good at not doing that. At not listening to the insults and the bullshit he comes out with on a regular basis. So why was last night so frickin' different?
And why did I have to respond to it all with a fist in her face instead of his?!
He was goading me and I fell for it. He knew which buttons to press to get me pissed off with the Slayer and I should have seen that coming. Because damn it, I'm a slayer too and we have more control than that. I shouldn't have given him the satisfaction. I played right into his hands, played right into his opinion of me.
I wonder what B's opinion of me is now?
I mean I hit her. Me. The one who said she'd never hurt B, Mrs S. Don't worry Giles I won't let anything happen to her. Hey B you ain't ever gonna lose me. I love you B. I'm in love with you…
…ARGGHHH!
And that was where the last of the pain, the last of the tears, the last of the despair ripped itself out of my heart. Tearing through the night in a scream that would have rivalled the death throes of Form Guy. It was the sound of a wounded animal caught in a trap, contemplating chewing its own leg off to get free. I looked at the axe still in my hand, the sharpness of the blade. I risked my life and got B all riled up because I felt some insane duty to go retrieve that axe for Giles. And now I could see myself forcing the blade against the skin of my neck, and pushing just enough to start the blood flowing that won't…ever…stop. Well…
…FUCK THAT!
I may have been feeling pretty low last night, but my neck wasn't gonna get close enough to that blade to even scratch the skin. I laid the axe down next to me, a sigh so deep, so achingly sad escaped me. My eyes closed and I dragged my shaking hands through my hair. And suddenly, just from that simple action and from the tears finally slowing down, I knew what to do. It was like a calm had descended around me, had in fact settled itself all over me, soothing the inside so the outside could get moving again. Now I get why people like T-T-Tara and Red are always saying it's good to give in to your emotions sometimes, because on the other side of them you usually find a way out of the darkness all by yourself.
The trap was of my own making you see, I didn't have to gnaw my own leg off 'cause I knew that there was another way out. I'd created the mess with B, as usual, and I had to be the one to fix it. No lame pride got in the way this time. I knew I couldn't take the higher ground on this one, nor did I want to. I'd hurt B when I swore to myself that I would never do that, so I had to be the one to say sorry first, and try and put right what I fucked up.
De ja vu anyone? Isn't that what led me out there last night in the first place?
I wasn't gonna contemplate the neat symmetry of this whole thing there and then, didn't have the time and I'm not really into that cosmic shit like Red anyhow. I just wanted to get to the Slayer and try and fix things. And 'cause I'd already faced up to her once that night telling her I was sorry and telling her that other thing as well, I didn't feel so daunted about going to her now.
I'm going to go and make her hear me. That's what my insides were telling me. I'm going to make her understand. And I'm going to listen whatever she has to say, even if it's not what I want to hear.
I got myself up off the ground, dusting the leathers off a bit as if that made the slightest difference to them. I picked the axe up, it didn't weigh so heavy in my hand that time. It was just an axe Giles was particularly fond of, and not something more sinister inviting me to taste its blade. I took in another one of those deep sighs and headed back the way I'd just walked. No longer so lost anymore, no longer so sad.
I figured they'd have moved on from the docks by now. Whether that argument I heard them start was for real or not I figured they'd have taken it private either way. I also figured B wouldn't want Mrs S to see the state of her so the Summers' place was out. That left the Magic Box. Even though it was all the way back in the centre of town I just knew B would have gone there. Let Giles know what happened for one thing would be her priority but also because…well call it Slayer Sense. I just knew.
She'd be in the Magic Box 'cause it was where she hit me that time starting this whole thing in motion.
And it was to be in the Magic Box where it all came to an end.
As much as I wanted to run all the way like I'd been able to earlier on that night, 'cause like then I wanted to get to B as soon as I could, slayer power wasn't fully charged and I could only manage a brisk walk. Still, didn't bother me too much that it was taking a time to get there. Wasn't really thrilled with the thought of them all being there while I tried to make my apologies to B you know? But hey goes to show how serious I was about it all, if I was willing to face Scooby wrath again.
Turns out I didn't need to worry about them though, as when I finally arrived the lights were out and it looked like no one was home.
Shit I would have bet my Playstation that I'd find B here.
That was my immediate thought when I walked up to the Magic Box and I couldn't see anyone inside. It couldn't have taken me that long to get across town. If I wore a watch I'd have checked to see how late it actually was, but 'cause I don't I just had to assume that the Scoobies had gone home, probably at B's insistence. With Red worrying about the state B was in when she saw her, blaming me I bet. While Giles would be concerned again that I didn't come back with the other slayer. Also probably wondering where his axe was, and you can just imagine that Xander and ex-demon chick only cared about getting back to their crib so they could you know, do what it is they always do. And where had B gone? More importantly how was I gonna get to her? Right then I didn't care if what I imagined was true and the Scoobies think I'm the Big Bad again, 'cause I just wanted to get to the Slayer and put that right first. But how was I gonna do that if she goes and surprises me again by not being where I thought she'd be.
Where I knew she'd be.
Something ain't right.
I had the Slayer Tingle when I first thought that she'd be here. Then I had the Slayer Sense of just knowing that she'd be here. And if that wasn't enough I had my own intuition, nothing supernatural about it. And that intuition told me she'd have come to the Magic Box after our fight, 'cause it's what I would have done. I'm not saying me and the Slayer are the same, in fact quite the opposite, what I am saying is I've gotten to know B like I know myself. Despite the odd surprise here and there I pretty much know what she'd do in certain situations. And everything told me that she'd be in the Magic Box when I got here.
So why wasn't she?
Something really ain't right here.
That sinking feeling I got in the warehouse when I couldn't find a way to the Slayer set in again. My feet felt like they'd been sunk in clay and my heart beat double time. I didn't like that feeling now any more than I did before, but at least before I knew what it was the Slayer and me were up against. Standing outside the Magic Box having the heebies 'cause I didn't know where B was made me feel more than panic. I felt scared. Scared for B again. I won't say the feeling lasted long 'cause it didn't, and it got replaced with blind fury soon after I got inside the Magic Box. But for a while there I was the most scared I'd ever been in my life.
I had all these visions of B go whooshing through my head in the time it took for me to go to the side entrance to the shop. You know the door without the bell so my arrival wouldn't tip off whatever helldemon had stopped by. And all the visions were definitely of the bad kind. Like B in a fight when she ain't got the energy to fight no more. Or B jumped on by some of those supervamps, all ganged up on her so it's 12-1 and she can't do anything to defend herself. And there's this one vamp, and he's managed to knock her to the ground, she's wounded pretty bad, breathing hard, he's poising for the kill, he's sinking his teeth into her, he's…he's…he's killing her!
One helluva imagination I got there, huh?
So I'm a little wired. Maybe paranoid too. I had to stop those thoughts in a hurry, 'cause by now I'm in the shop checking it out, all stealthy and slayer-like. And paranoid images of finding a fanged slayer in there? Not helping me with my focus much.
At least the shop looked okay. I mean it wasn't smashed up or anything, so those thoughts of B caught off guard by a bunch of supervamps were looking less than convincing whirling around my head now.
My focus started to return to me.
I'm still having that 'this ain't right' feeling I've been having since the moment I got to the damn shop. But it wasn't tinged with Slayer-in-Peril thoughts now, which made it a lot easier to realise that something besides me was hanging out in the Magic Box. And some instinct deep inside me, probably the same instinct that's been telling me all along that I love the Slayer, was now telling me that the something in there was definitely not B.
The tingle was back but I'd managed to quiet those panicky voices down in my head some, and what I found when my breathing calmed and my hands started itching the way they do when I can feel a fight coming on, was a sound from inside the training room. A whimpering kinda sound, followed by something louder which could only be some piece of training equipment meeting the wall head on. And throwing furniture and shit just wasn't B's style, you know what I'm saying?
Seems as though someone was having themselves a little smashing up party in there. And as much as I wanted to go and find B, wherever the hell she might have been at that point, to sort everything out and make sure she really was okay, I wouldn't be any kind of slayer if I didn't look out for my Watcher's crib, right?
There I go again, doing the right thing. Man, it's getting to be habit.
Not that I'm really jonesing for meeting up with another Big Bad, especially with being Lone Slayer again, and not exactly at premium energy levels to be facing off against anything, what with all the excitement tonight already. But hey, a slayer's gotta do what a slayer's gotta do, and although it's more B's M.O. to go above and beyond the line of duty, you can't spend as much time around her and the rest of them without some of that conscience stuff rubbing off. Right?
I loosened up muscles that were getting to be a little stiff from their earlier workout, flexed my fists a few times, cracking the knuckles, noting the bruising on them a little in the dim light of the shop. They were going to be a lot more bruised and bloodied than that by the absolute end of the night, believe me. In fact, they're not even close to being healed now and it's practically morning.
Like either of us need a reminder of what happened in that training room last night when she finally wakes up and I can finally put this book to rest. But we both have them, reminders. Her bruised cheek, my bloodied knuckles. The cut above my eye and the gash on her head. Wounds that will heal eventually, quickly in fact, slayer powers remember? But till they do, it's going to be tough forgetting what caused them.
Well hell, that's not really important now, is it? Back to the training room.
Defence is the best form of attack Giles' tells us often enough. Must be 'cause he's British, they're all reserved and pensive, as I've heard ex-demon chick call her boss on more than one occasion. So we're taught as slayers to always be on the defensive, whether it's a simple vamp stakeout down at SunnyD Memorial or something less predictable, like waiting in the dark outside the door to Giles' training room till it went quiet again. But listening didn't really tell me jack shit about what I was gonna face once I was in there. And patience hasn't always been one of my best qualities. There was grunting and moaning I could hear, and I thought maybe someone was crying, but couldn't be sure of anything really. My head and all the senses attached to it had been through the meat grinder the past two days you know? So I wasn't taking any chances of the thing inside being some jacked up crackhead easy to subdue, or some hellgod pissed off with the décor. The axe safely held in front of me as I stormed through the door when the next loud crash, of what turned out to be the dumbbells meeting the far wall, provided me with some cover.
I ran into the room making some noise of my own like 'argghhh', or something to get the scumbag's attention, and drew up to a very quick halt when my axe nearly split the head of Army Boy.
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
I was surprised that it was me that managed to speak first. There'd been a very confusing 'breathing fast heart lodged in throat' type moment as my eyes adjusted to the low light coming from the bare bulbs in the ceiling. When he registered it was me who'd just come storming in scaring the shit out of him and I realised that I'd nearly wiped that stupid smug look off of his stupid face forever. And when that moment was over and I began to chill a little, thinking stuff like 'this is the Big Bad I'm protecting the Magic Box from?' and trying not to burst into hysterics he just stood there. All senior jockstrap like, with sweat beading on his face and this mean expression to his eyes.
He was trying to look threatening, trying being the operative word here. That's when I asked what the fuck are you doing here? 'Cause I was thinking, what the fuck was he doing there?
And I'm not even gonna detail the mess he'd made of the training room. Man Giles is going to be pissed for months.
He doesn't answer me. I let the axe rest against my side, arms ached a little to have it un-holstered like, while I wait for him to think of a lame excuse, as I knew he was gonna come up with some bullshit. One quick glance around the room and not only could I see the total frickin' mess he'd made in there – weapons cabinet smashed, holes the size of fists in the walls, windows broken and plenty of glass shards under foot – I could at least satisfy those slayer-in-peril thoughts of earlier once and for all. 'Cause there wasn't a sign of B anywhere in that room, and for whatever reason she wasn't there, she'd left one pissed off honey in her wake.
I start to get 'this ain't right' feeling creep over me again, only it's got more to do with something ain't right with Army Boy and B, than anything more sinister.
"It's you!" He growls at me.
"Yes it's me. Who else were you expecting? Santy Claus?"
Jeez, I'm wasting my time with this dumbfuck and I don't appreciate the way he's looking at me. If he's not careful, I'm gonna bust his…
"It's always you. All the time every day. In and out, in and out. I have to hear it over and over, Faith said this, Faith did that."
Army Boy's voice is low as he's speaking to me, only he's not really speaking to me it's like he's ranting with himself.
I'm a little intrigued gotta admit, to see this side of Army Boy, watching him from where I stand near the hobbyhorse to the left of the room. I grip the handle on the axe a little tighter, not that I'm feeling threatened by the dumbfuck, but out-of- character behaviour and all that, not ruling out possession here if you know what I'm saying?
Plus, I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. He could have been any old demon in wolf's clothing as far as I was concerned last night.
"I should have seen it coming," he's off on one again. "Should have realised that you'd worm your way in. Somehow a dumb bitch like you…"
I reacted to the bitch remark don't worry, but he ignored my insult back and carried on like he hadn't heard anything.
"…can make her feel things that I can't. You? How can a stupid, illiterate whore like you make anyone feel anything other than disgust?"
No I wasn't going to let him get away with that either, anger rising again like back in the warehouse, but he carried on with his rambling before I could swing a shot at him, and I have to say he'd caught my interest with this. What was the fuck talking about?
"I don't understand it, I don't think I want to. What you feel, what she said. It's sick. It's wrong. It's you. It's always been you."
Finally I realise what he's going on about. He's talking about B. He's talking about how B feels towards me.
Oh.
My.
God.
"Where is she?" I don't have to hear anymore. I want to get to B just to make sure he's not shitting me.
"Even if I knew, do you think I'd tell you?" He walks towards me, like he thinks he's menacing or something.
Feeling suicidal are we you fucker?
"Where. Is. She?" I repeat. My words more measured and my tone more threatening.
"Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you? Like me to make the path clear for you, make it easier for you?" He's getting closer, I don't like that I can't see his hands, but the light really is crappy in here.
"You think this has been easy?" Had to say it, 'cause fuck, it was the truth. Nothing about loving B has been easy.
"I think that everything is easy to you. You're easy Faith. And I'm not about to let an easy bitch like you take Buffy from me."
I scowl at him for the insults then laugh in his face for his deluded idea that he can stop this thing between me and B. He can't. I know that now. And I think perhaps he does too but last night, last night Army Boy thought he still had power, and goddamn it to a certain extent he did.
"Seems as though it's too late for that, asshole!" I taunted him, ready to combat him with that axe if I had to.
Army Boy kinda shrugs at me, I didn't like it. It was a dismissive shrug, the kind I'm good at, you know? A cocky, dismissive gesture that's my usual attitude. And why should he be all cocky and dismissive in the face of defeat, huh? Say Faith, that's a good question.
Yeh, sure as shit it's a good question.
I know why he's acting all 'I don't give a shit what you say, bitch', 'cause hidden in his hand where I couldn't see, was one of the hammers from the weapons cupboard on the wall.
Man I didn't know what hit me.
Jesus that hurt. The blow sent me flying. He caught me on the side of the face, not far from the gash above my eye that vamp gave me, which opened up again, oozing blood down my cheek. If I'd been a mere mortal I'm sure the blow would have killed me. When I start coming to on the floor a few seconds later I had this chilling thought that not being the slayer wouldn't have stopped the asshole from hitting me.
That's when I have another chilling blood-actually-freezing-inside-my-veins-and-not-moving-anymore thought, that perhaps B isn't okay after all. What else had Army Boy smashed up that evening?
"If you've hurt B you bastard…" I splutter out, trying to stand up but failing. The pain in my head and the blood pouring into my eyes, stinging and warm, is making me feel nauseous.
"I wouldn't hurt her you stupid bitch. You on the other hand…"
I see him moving closer and he's tossing that hammer of his from hand to hand, like it was a frickin' baseball and we were playing catch in his farmyard.
And I start to realise that the guy is after blood. He's after something more serious than just going a few rounds.
Fuck was my next thought. Plain and simple as that. Fuck. One of us was gonna die trying here. Man, this would be hard to explain to the rest of them.
Before I get chance to reach for my axe to even up the odds some, I know it was in my hands before, but the hammer to the head didn't just dislodge what little conscience I had left, he's on me again, this time with his boots. Those fucking army boots with the steel toecaps and he's leaving footprints on my stomach and to my side.
Okay, latent Slayer Strength would really come in handy around about now.
I manage to block the next foot that comes down on me with my hands and with all the strength I can find I push against fuckfeatures and he goes toppling backwards, slamming into the hobbyhorse and dropping his precious hammer. Now we're even some I think. Taking a time to stand up 'cause damnit I think he's cracked a few ribs in me. Well if he had, they aren't aching any now, so at least some Slayer Healing Power is still intact.
When I'm standing around about the same time he is too, it's like a replay of the warehouse face-off we had against each other. Man, would Red have a trip over the de-ja vuing back and forth I've had recently. He's glaring at me and I'm glaring right back at him. I'm also kinda surprised still that he actually tried to kill me and thought he'd be able to do it. I can see in his eyes that he still thinks he has a shot at the slayer title.
"What's your problem Army Boy?"
I'm not sounding in as peak condition as I would have liked to hear coming out my mouth. I draw a hand over my face to smear the blood out from my eyes, my breath is laboured some, and the pain in my sides and stomach makes me wince every now and then.
"If she's chosen why not take it like a man and step down? Oh that's right, you'd have to be a man to do be able to do that."
I probably wasn't doing myself any favours goading him like this, but hey, he pissed me off. And defence is the best form of attack remember, and I was trying to formulate some sort of defence by playing for time so Slayer Strength re-charged itself properly.
Just as I suspected he didn't take kindly to that remark. Something whizzed past my face, missed me by like an inch or something 'cause I felt the air move when it went by. Stupid shitty light in here. The asshole had picked up something he'd probably earlier smashed on the floor and threw it at me. Guess the guy wasn't going to play fair after all.
Was I?
I thought of B and what she'd do if she came back here and found her ex smashed up bloody on the floor and I had my answer. Didn't mean I couldn't do as much damage with my fists without finishing him off entirely though.
"Oh you are so beat asshole."
"I don't think so."
Army Boy is with the defiant shit again. I mentioned how I don't like when he does that right? Puts me on edge. It would anyone when someone you think you know goes and surprises you. Great when the surprise is a six-pack and a trip to Vegas, not so great when it's an axe and a murderous look in their eyes.
Fine then, I think. Pull myself up to the full Slayer fighting stance, the pain lessening inside but not by nearly enough.
"Bring it on." I demand.
And he did. He had more to bring on then I ever thought he would have actually. Started with me matching him pretty much blow for blow just like back in the warehouse. Factor in me being a little whacked from all the fighting of the past 24 hours, and him being much more than your average jockstrap on the football squad from all his days in the Initiative, and we have a fairly even match. I swipe at his face and he feels the blow hard, goes down on one knee, but then he strikes me with a mean uppercut that knocks me back, 'cause he caught me off guard how quickly he can recover.
And that's how it plays out for a while. Adrenaline pumping, blood flying, bruises and scraped skin, head butts and low kicks, and screams and insults. We were like two animals fighting over their mate, in fact yeh, that's exactly what we were doing. Seems kinda lame when I write it down now, at the time I seem to recall it feeling pretty wicked to be going at it like that with Army Boy, after all I had wanted to for so long. And apart from the fact that I was sort of, in a very small way, and completely understandable I might add, that I was getting my ass kicked by the prick, I was actually having some fun.
But you ever noticed how something will always come along and spoil the fun for you? Right when it's at the good part and you've gained some ground, and you're breathing ain't so hard anymore. And you are recovering quicker from the now lame feeling blows you get to your face and jaw, and there is more power behind the punches you can throw. So the first one you do sends him stumbling backwards, unable to find his footing. And the second one spins him around so he is facing the wall you are gonna slam him into. And the third time you get hold of him it's to push him up against the brickwork and teach him a lesson in respect. And just when you are about to deliver the lesson, someone has to spoil the fun by…
…electrocuting me?
He's fucking electrocuting me!
Not that I could actually verbalise the thought last night when it happened, it was more of a recognition of the feeling starting in my leg and working its way very fast, and very hot around my body. I recognised it from the time Wesley and his boys thought…well let's just say I've had experience with this type of thing before. I don't know how the hell he managed to get it when I had him pushed up so hard against the wall, but somehow one hand had gotten free, and that was the hand inflicting all the damage on me now.
Man it doesn't only hurt like hell when you get thousands of volts pushed through you, and I'm using hell as the analogy here 'cause that's the only place hot I know that sounds worse than a Californian summer, but it leaves you completely vulnerable, after whichever scumbag inflicted it in the first place stops. The volts are still jumping round your body see. They have a lot of veins and arteries and other shit I have no idea the name of that they have to travel around inside you, before they decide they've had enough and burn themselves out. And when that happens, you just know that the bastard with the pointy, electric stick is going to come back and give you another high dosage.
He has me on the floor now. He has me yelling and screaming on the floor now. He has me thrashing around in pain on the floor now. He has me crying out her name on the floor now.
"B…Buffy."
I croak it out, her full name. Don't think I've ever used it before. Not sure what I was doing saying it now, when she ain't even around to hear me use her full name for once, and perhaps smile that crooked smile of hers when she did hear it. The smile she uses on Dawnie sometimes when she gets caught off guard by the love she has for her little sis. The smile Giles receives when he's come through for her again, in his caring, restrained British way, which is ten times more than what her own father can come up with for her. Even the smile I've seen her give me on more than one occasion lately. The one smile I'm beginning to doubt I'll ever see again.
"What's that?" Army Boy crouches down over me, getting way too comfortable inflicting me pain. "What did you say? I didn't quite catch that."
I scream again with the fresh fire that fills my body from head to toe. And I croak out her name once more because as I feel myself start to lose consciousness, B is the only thing I want to think about.
"She can't save you now."
And I believe him, what choice do I have? My body is fucked, my insides feel like they've been skewed with lightning rods, and it's like someone's stuffed hot coals in my head. To top it all my vision is going to black, fades out then comes back in bright white flashes every now and then, but it's on its way out I can tell.
"Did you hear me bitch?" He just can't resist those taunts. "She can't save you now."
"Funny. That's exactly what I'm about to do."
I recognise that voice, I think to myself in amongst the fire and the blackness that's swirling around my head.
Who'd have thought it? B coming to my rescue.
That's definitely five by five.