This one's a bit short, and in Gon's asshole POV (not my favorite one sorry). Thank you to all my reviewers! It's going to be angsty for a while, but I do promise some sort of fluffy ending. And Warning: this does have spoilers for the Chimera Ant Arc. Although the incident I'm referring to here and throughout is different, it will come back to that, so you've been warned (thanks for pointing that out reviewer person)!
Disclaimer: I do not own HxH. If I did, little Killua would eventually pull one of Gon's "you're special to me" just to watch him freak out like he always does.
He stood on the threshold, watching, waiting, wondering what it would have been like to have shared in the moment.
He'd been late, again. It was a special talent of his, to miss something everyone else seemed to be in on, to figure it out in the focus of retrospect. It had always been endearing as a child; how he would bounce back in realization, his discovery stronger than those who had figured it out beforehand. This was not that. This felt like abandonment.
His senses had dulled over time; the loss of his Nen had been absolutely crippling in that sense. He'd begun to get it back, working with those he could find along the way to become once again aware of his aura. It had taken what felt like ages just to glimpse the power that he'd once had, to be able to taste it. Still, he wasn't anywhere near being able to harness it, let alone sense others.
It really wasn't his fault that he didn't sense a change in Kurapika.
Instead, it came to him in the form of instinct: he simply knew that something had changed and turned to the only place it could have been. Though, honestly, his first thought had been about Killua.
Leorio's words were just beginning to sink in when he'd had his last encounter with the ex-assassin. The static from the other's hand had burned him, like a child who kept reaching for the stove only to find that it was in deed hot. When he'd walked away, another echo of a memory in which he didn't turn to look back, something had clicked for Gon.
Even if he didn't believe that he was in the wrong, even if there was blame to be shared, it didn't matter. As far as Killua was concerned, he was as good as dead.
His persistent optimism tried to get the better of him again, after that, the thoughts trying to convince him that no, this was not Killua, this was not how he felt, how he wanted to feel. He needed to be fixed, they needed to be fixed, but what he saw in that doorway alerted him to how horrible those thoughts truly were. How selfish. Looking at the younger teen, whose back was toward him as he buried his head into the doctor's shirt jacket, it occurred to Gon that perhaps he was the problem.
Killua had never needed fixing. He'd been perfect from day one.
The past years played out in his mind as he stood, barely hearing the sobbing coming from the pair before him. It was still hard to pinpoint where it had all gone wrong, but the when was much simpler. The last fight had been horrendous by all accounts, like nothing they had engaged in before. It had left Gon alone in the world. It had left Killua empty.
All he wanted was to go back to before. To the moments when they were still children. For the first six months after the final battle, the raven haired teen had banished all thoughts of his former friend. When he returned home to Whale Island and Mito asked where Killua was, Gon had lied (she knew, of course, but the look in his eye must have been something as she didn't lock him out for the night). When he returned to Heaven's Arena, thinking Zushi might have taken up residence as a floor master, he ignored the whispers of two children who had taken the lower levels by storm some years past. When he found himself in the presence of old friends, traveling acquaintances, he didn't stay for long. It was how he had gotten into the last fight with Leorio, the reminder of Killua too much for him to handle. They'd both snapped, and Gon had gone his way, searching down another lead for Ging.
Except there were no new leads. There never were, anymore.
Staying in fancy hotel rooms at night reminded him of what had seemed like an endless sleepover. When he fought, which was not often but did happen, he sometimes slipped up, forgetting that no one had his back. Each casual touch from a stranger reminded him of how much he missed the hand that had fit so naturally in his. It was a strange feeling, to simultaneously want something while trying to force it into the very back of your mind.
After those torturous months, the moments of anger and longing for his friend, he gave up trying to ignore it. Wherever he went, he wondered what it would be like with Killua at his side. When he did something he thought the other would have enjoyed, he stored it in his head, keeping the story safe for when they'd see each other next. He ate all of the younger one's favorite foods, even though he wasn't as fond of sweets, just to feel nearer to him. He remembered every detail that he had never bothered to notice before, every action that triggered a memory and why.
It was easier to admit he was lonely when he'd admitted how much he hated their separation. It was easier to deal with when he decided that he'd look for Killua while he sought out Ging.
He'd been on the new mission for a while, though he hadn't had any luck. It was no wonder, though. The white haired teen was a master at disappearing into the ether, leaving no traces behind. He'd employed zetsu in his everyday life, making him nearly impossible to sense even if they'd been in the same room together. Gon had even stooped to asking his friends, but none of them had given him any hints as to the other whereabouts. Leorio had smacked him over the head.
It was then that he had gotten the call. He'd known it was important, especially since Leorio hadn't really spoken to him since he'd stormed off in a huff. When the name popped up on his beetle phone, he had stopped everything to hear the other out. It had been purely out of fear, the fear of losing yet another one of the people he cared about, that he'd made it to the godforsaken city in just a few days.
Now, seeing the three people he cared about most in the world, Gon's whole being felt wrong.
Kurapika was dying. There was no doubt that even if he woke up, there were still battles to be fought. No one had talked about getting out of the city, as the prospect of the other waking had grown slimmer and slimmer, and no one really knew how. Leorio had pushed Gon away- though it had really been the other way around. It was so difficult to hear from his first friend that he should stay away from the other, both back then and just the day before. He'd always trusted the doctor beyond a reasonable doubt, but this warning was one he could not take. Killua… Killua wanted nothing to do with him. Killua was better off without him. Killua had turned to stone, closed off his heart from his once friend, made his way into the world without him.
Once upon a time, he had been that boy's everything. Now, he knew what it felt like to be nothing to him.
Killua wept, held in the doctor's arms, who was also weeping, holding on to the Kurta. Leorio's embrace was awkward, but tight, his other hand reaching out to touch the blond's cheek. Together, they formed a triangle, a single strong unit, a series of open ended connections that were filled by each other. As Gon looked on, he realized how he had isolated himself.
He knew Kurapika would be alright, without hearing it, knew that the tears shed were not out of sadness, but out of relief. Even so, he felt a lump rise in his throat, a sickness taking him as he watched his family move on without him.
He wished for a moment that he was ignorant of his shortcomings, but he'd known he was lying to himself for quite some time.
When Gon wanted something, he usually got it. He'd fight for it, bleed for it, come as close to dying for it as he possibly could without ever crossing that threshold, and he'd have it. But Killua had always been there when he'd desired something, and had always given him a helping hand. At one point, he'd almost sacrificed both of his over Gon's childish whims.
Watching the boy who refused to look at him anymore, refused to speak to him or be touched by him, be held gently as he cried, Gon knew there was no point in lying any more. What he wanted was there, had always been there, and this time Killua wasn't going to help him get it. He'd have to try extra hard to win this game, because that's all it was, all it ever was. If he let himself think of it any other way, he would've found himself terrified of being hated.
Remembering his feet, the dark haired teen made his way toward the bed, sitting in the chair that had been Killua's. He let his gaze wander from the boy in question over to Kurapika, who looked different. There was a better color in his cheeks, under the layer of dirt that was common to the city, and he was facing a slightly different direction than before. He made a small sound in his throat, and Gon's whole face lit up as he realized that the other was close to returning to consciousness.
Gon had cried many times in his life, out of fear or anger, frustration or sadness, but never before had he cried silently. Looking at Kurapika, knowing that he would somehow make it, looking at Leorio, knowing that he'd come to help eventually, and looking at Killua, who was holding on to the other two like lifelines, Gon's eyes overflowed for the first time since he'd gotten there. Not wanting to disturb the other two, or shift the focus of the room, he covered his mouth with his hand, letting all of the caged emotions out, trembling as he did. He cried out the happiness at the other's recovery, the loneliness he had been dealing with for the past years, the anger at his friends for not understanding, the pure, utter distraught he felt towards Killua. Leorio glanced at him gently, with an almost smile and a nod, before pulling Killua closer, as if he could drown out Gon's presence while keeping him from going.
Gon wasn't going to leave. He was never going to leave again. Through the tears, he set his goal, never wanting to have to relive these past days ever again. He'd have his family back, no matter what it took for him to get them. It took everything in him, every ounce of self-control, not to jump up and envelope the three of them in his arms. It took everything not to want to trap them, keep them as prisoners in his heart, chain them to him forever.
He'd have them back: starting with his most important person.
The question was, how could he fix something if the other boy wouldn't even let him near? With a smile, he remembered the white haired boy's words from so many years ago, when teaching him the trick to making it up to the top floors of Heaven's Arena.
Just push.
Thanks for reading! Next chapter will be Killua-centric (with more details on the incident) and then we'll switch over to some Leopika drama!
Feed the author: nice reviews are life.