Warning: This chapter begins where Chapter 11 left off. If themes of non-con and/or suicide are potentially triggering, please do not continue. All others read at own risk.

Important Note on Updates:
So, though I know my updates have not been as quick and consistent as the beginning chapters, I regret to inform you that they will not be increasing in pace anytime soon (though there are still a number of chapters to this story!). Between other writing work, my day job, and the anticipation of another move, it isn't viable for me to post weekly updates. Please note, this is not a threat of hiatus, but with the amounts of comments per chapter dwindling, I'm not going to kill myself over writing this. Unless I get a particularly vocal response, please be patient. If you like what you're reading, let me know. Believe it or not, it does encourage faster updates. (note: posting the word 'update' is counterproductive- I say this because I'm tired of seeing it in my inbox)

Thanks, you're all lovely.

Disclaimer: *insert I do not own HxH here*

His consciousness bubbled to the surface, dark and clouded, swirling deceit and hopeful rays of light through a heavy filter. Shadows swam in his vision, or in what he lacked of vision, causing a fear he did not believe he could possess. He wanted to move, wanted to reach for the release of the edge, but in a sudden panic he realized that he did not know which way was up.

He was drowning.

His eyes opened as he understood that it was only sleep, breaking the illusion as blue as dark as black shattered with the incoming light. He needed no time to adjust physically, his body attuned to the most extreme of changes, but his mind was another story. With the onslaught of awareness came the inevitable return of memory, the vision of where he lay, the sound of breathing whispering against the skin of his neck.

Worst of all was the warmth, wrapped around him like chains.

He shivered as a kiss was pressed behind his ear, clamping down on all other reaction, his eyes wide but unseeing. The flood of emotion that threatened to push through to the surface plateaued, but he didn't allow it out, focusing his will on how he wished to feel rather than how he did feel.

Cold. Distant. Detached.

The body next to him wiggled, giving him a chance to turn onto his side, facing away from the one holding him. The dark haired teen didn't seem affected; he snuggled closer but made no attempt to tighten his grip. Likely, he didn't know the alarm that the ensnarement was causing. If he did, he'd have certainly pushed harder.

Then, by some luck the arms pulled back, shifting the mattress enough for the white haired one to tell he'd rolled over onto his back. There was no doubt that he was awake, he'd never moved so smoothly in his sleep before, but the movement implied a lack of worry in his demeanor. It was a good thing, Killua tried to tell himself as he slid toward the edge of the bed, moving at an uncommonly slow pace to sit up but keeping his back to the other. Worry would only cause more problems.

Though his mind raced for the right words to say, words that would not cause pain to either of them, he knew what had to be done. He was in far too deep for anything else. If Gon denied him this, he'd deny him life. His life.

If he'd deserved anything in this life, it was to die.

"Hey, Killua." His trek through morbidity was cut short as a voice too happy for its own good rang out, not seeming to notice how the other kept his face from sight or how the muscles of his bare back jumped at the sound. "Let's go on an adventure. I want to visit the top of the world with you. Just me and Killua."

He spoke like he were reciting the memories of a happy dream, wistful and hopeful all at once, probably staring up at the ceiling with arms outstretched and bright eyes. Killua didn't turn, only cocked his head to the side as he listened. He swallowed hard, trying without sound to make his voice presentable, to keep it from cracking. It was painfully easy; he'd had years of practice switching the pain to numbness.

"Okay, Gon."

The raven haired teen sat up immediately, beaming at him. He didn't let the stare bother him, his nudity so etched into his state of being that eyes on him no longer mattered. Either way, he was skinned.

"I know exactly where we should go."

Gon made a questioning noise, not unlike the whine of a puppy. He didn't see how Killua gazed at nothing, eyes unblinking and small. Instead, his focus was on the way his hair curled around the nape of his neck. He wanted to move it aside and press kisses along his hairline. His fantasy was brought to an abrupt halt.

"We're going to see Alluka," the former assassin spoke, his words slow and clear as he turned round to meet the other's eyes with deadened ones. "And you're going to apologize for what you've done."

He didn't take him to Alluka directly - for obvious reasons.

Instead he made the call, setting up a meeting place not too far from where she was located, but far enough that travel would be involved for all of the attending parties. Though she was highly capable of taking care of herself, he still had worries over her wellbeing. It was this nervousness that led him to ask the favor of her part time caretaker. That, and his sudden, unexplainable desire to see the doctor as soon as possible.

If there was anyone he'd trusted with his sister's safekeeping, it was Leorio.

The troublesome part about being tracked by a family of incredibly talented assassins was that every move one made, whether in an isolated countryside or under the cover of a populated metropolis, when push came to shove, there was always a paper trail of some sort. It was impossible to move without compromising one's identity, even those which were created for the sake of travel. Purchases were easy to track, making people easy to find. All it took was one slip up, one name on an email account from the wrong terminal in a café, one ticket paid in cash by an anagram of Zoldyk, one small text message for the entire scheme to be a bust. Invisibility was not easy, especially with the temptation that was a Hunter's license.

That was the beauty of hospitals; they kept immaculate records. Every scrape or bruise was neatly filed away, accessible by any computer with a half competent hacker, their systems advanced but in terms of medical technology rather than security. In a hospital, anonymity was entirely unheard of, impossible at best, and the perfect environment for creating an identity that had never existed to begin with.

Under Leorio's careful advice, Killua had made sure she was a well-documented resident of one such facility.

Selecting an identity for her had been easy, if not for circumstance. There were a number of patients to choose from, all of whom were recently deceased, it was only a matter of choosing the right match. The answer was simple once presented with it: the girl had been sixteen at the time of her passing, on hormone therapy for a particularly aggressive invasive tumor on which radiative treatments were proving more damaging than helpful. Though in reality it had proven futile, with a few edits in the paperwork the story changed into a tale of miraculous recovery, all at the hands of talented physician Leorio Paladiknight, who was known for his work on those such illnesses. The hospital's director had been instrumental in their plot (she'd been what Leorio had referred to as an "old friend", though Alluka had speculated that old flame was more like it). It was her brilliance that allowed the girl with two souls to live so comfortably in a small wing of her own, though it was far from empty. After fights and consideration, Alluka and Nanika had agreed to stay put for the next few years, but only as long as their file dictated they would have to "recuperate." In the meantime, they kept themselves busy around the various wards, doing everything within their power to grant the wishes of children who hadn't quite made the recovery that they did. Everything, that is, short of revealing themselves.

Their agreement had been partially coaxed out by the director herself, also a Practical Medicine Hunter, who agreed to train them in Nen when she wasn't on call. That enticement had been too good for the girls to pass up (as they'd become rather attached to her during the emotional rollercoaster that was their rehabilitation), and they'd agreed wholeheartedly. Killua had stayed around for as long as he deemed safe before vanishing to the other side of the world, testing the limits of his family's vendetta. With the quiet that he'd received since then, he hoped the meeting would turn out safe.

Still, he wasn't about to do it on his own.

The hospital was just short of equidistant from each of their locations when he made the call; he and Gon were a couple of continents over while Leorio only had one major land mass to cross to get to her. He'd been on a trip of his own at the time, but had been more than willing to cut it short in order to collect Alluka. It would take him about the same amount of time to reach the hospital and then to backtrack to the rendezvous point as it would for the others to journey straight there.

Killua didn't ask about Kurapika. From the way the doctor answered his call, he already knew what he'd have been told.

The journey was difficult at best. In quite the reversal of style, which the other had expected with a certain amount of chagrin, Gon pushed for physical contact in an arguably needy way, using every opportunity appropriate (and sometimes not) to display his affection for his reclaimed friend. That is, until the neutrality that Killua was exhibiting began to sink in. After that, he backed off some, delving deep into his own thoughts. Every so often, he'd ask what he should say to the youngest of them once they arrived, but Killua had only looked at him blankly and he realized that it was something he'd have to figure out on his own.

The rest of the trip had been a mixture of unsettling quiet and nervous, one sided conversation.

He hadn't told Leorio much, just that he wanted to see his sister and needed him to make it happen. The lack of information had been purposeful; firstly, if anyone was listening, the less words exchanged the better. Secondly, he'd been unsure how to explain the situation without making the other worry, so choosing not to had been the obvious choice. Still, he couldn't help the anxiety that built up upon their arrival, seeing what Leorio would do or say when he saw him and Gon together.

As it turned out, Leorio could read him better than he thought.

They'd chosen a location within the network of hospitals connected to the one Alluka resided in as a matter of safety; her records would show a voluntary transfer for a few days as a mental health break, a positive change in locale. Anyone possibly watching the paperwork would see it as a normal protocol for someone cooped up inside for extended periods of time, as it was with real patients who were well enough for travel, and wouldn't set off any red flags that a sudden disappearance might. Leorio, as a visiting physician within the network, had the proper authorizations for the move without having to jump through hoops, making it a smooth transition from picking her up to arriving at the meeting place.

The facility itself was breathtaking, made with tempered glass walls along the outside for a panoramic view of the river that came down from the valley, giving the impression of being outdoors at all times. Alluka was in her glory, having arrived a day before expected and exploring the properties' gardens and stables, spending her free time in the on-site petting zoo that was meant to soothe the residents. Between the seamless dynamic with nature and the amenities of a care facility, it couldn't be denied that the mountainside center was a place of healing.

Even amongst the peacefulness that the place brought, at the sight of them, Leorio stiffened.

Alluka was around the corner, sitting in the hallway and enjoying the view when they arrived. Though her training was going well, she still wasn't used to sensing auras in everyday situations, giving the boys a chance to enter the building without her noticing. For that, Killua was grateful; the last thing he wanted to do was surprise her with a visitor that might not be welcome. From the look that the older man gave him, scrutinizing the forced closeness between them through narrowed eyes, she was not the only one who'd have an opinion on that matter.

Gon's footsteps slowed and Killua's picked up as they entered the main visiting room, which had been cleared out for the purpose of their meeting. The white haired one didn't stop until he was invading the doctor's personal space, the sight of him drawing him in like a magnet. His halt was sudden, as if waking up, but Leorio didn't hesitate in pulling him into open arms. Killua accepted the embrace, but did not return it, his arms hanging limply by his side as his face was buried in the other's shoulder. All the while, the doctor stared at the dark haired teen across the room, terrified at the prospect that his assumptions were correct. Gon stared back, face uncharacteristically empty. Leorio tightened his hold on the other, then let go, his discomfort showing in every line of his long form.

"Gon," the younger of the two called, looking over his shoulder at the other. "Wait outside for a minute." The dark haired Hunter started to protest, but clamped his mouth shut quickly before walking back out the way they came. If anything, he seemed to be taking the situation seriously. As soon as he was gone, Leorio turned to the former assassin with questions in his eyes.

"Killua…"

"How's she doing?" The doctor seemed less than pleased at the evasion, sticking the teen with a look before moving on begrudgingly.

"She's fine. Likes the hospital more than anyone thought she would. We've got a terminal case on the third floor who's smitten with her." He watched as a white eyebrow went up, waving it off. "Calm down, big brother; I don't think she's noticed. She's not the one I'm worried about, though." There was no teasing animosity in his words, a trait that the other was beginning to miss in him. He looked up at the other tiredly, noticing the underlines of exhaustion in his face and eyes. The kindred feeling was enough to keep him from lashing out defensively.

"Just don't leave." He said it more softly than he'd meant to, cursing himself internally for the vulnerability he'd not meant to express. Leorio stared at him for a moment before ruffling his hair with slow affection, nodding in response.

The doctor walked over to the nearest doorway, sticking his head through and saying something that couldn't be heard from within the room. When he pulled back he stepped over to the side, seating

himself in one of the chairs that lined the window-wall to step outside of what would be an intimate moment, if not give them privacy. Killua signaled his thanks with a jerk of his head before the door opened again, the picture of beauty bounding in towards him.

"Onii-san!"

She was taller than she'd been months ago, coming up just past his shoulder as she leapt into his arms to be held and twirled like he would when she was a child. As soon as he saw her his heart clenched, absorbing every second of absence that had passed between them. He let his eyes close as they stilled, breathing in deeply as his body relaxed around her. If anything made him think of home it was her, the softness of her freckled arms, her hair that smelled of apples. For a brief, fleeting second, he let himself get lost in the warmth of his greatest treasure.

Like all things, he had to let go too soon.

"Guess what?" she beamed, her eyes as bright as stars. "I've learned how to make paper flowers! The whole hospital's decorated in them now! And Nanika can make paper bunnies, but she won't tell me how. Oh! And I have to show you what I've learned; you've been gone so long and I miss you!" She snuggled into his chest as she spoke, despite being too big to do so without crouching. He stroked her head lovingly, one arm still around her waist as she gushed, not wanting to break the moment.

"Next time, when I visit you at the hospital, you can show me all your new tricks. It isn't as safe here." She didn't let that bother her, agreeing with a sparkling smile. His heart sunk. "Alluka. I'm not the only one here."

Her face fell slowly. He let his hand slip away as she stepped back, looking at him curiously.

"Onii-san?"

"It's Gon. He's here."

The pure happiness that was in her eyes faded into something unreadable, causing his blood to run cold. Suddenly, he wondered if he'd made the right choice by bringing him here, if he'd forced the issue out of pride rather than for his sister. Looking at her, he wasn't sure what was right and what was wrong anymore. His whole world was askew.

"He can leave," he said rushedly, drawing the attention of the doctor who was still sitting by. "If you don't want to see him, I'll have him leave. But he had something to say to you."

Alluka watched him with clear apprehension, pausing for a moment to mull things over. She had a habit of stopping to think over important matters; though she and Nanika could share their thoughts at the same time, it was easier to decide on things together when they took turns to think.

"It's okay." She said slowly, as if her tongue were unused to forming words. "He can come in."

Killua saw her gaze pulled from over his shoulder and turned, only to find Gon already standing in the doorway sheepishly. He walked forward, but did not cross the span of the room. It was Killua who moved back, standing halfway between the two, a nervous mediator in the wings. He held his breath as they examined each other, preparing to accept any future he was handed.

He had no idea what was to come.

"Alluka…" Gon's voice made her jump, and Killua would've been lying if he didn't react similarly. "It's been a long time."

She nodded, looking from him to her brother and then back. The white haired teen ignored the way the doctor was watching them, his intention on jumping in if he had to showing in his stance.

"Alluka I'm," he swallowed, his eyes darting to Killua briefly as he licked his lips. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you in danger. I didn't mean to leave you there. I'm sorry."

His voice trailed off toward the end, drawing the other teen's attention to the way he stared at his feet, ashamed. It wasn't enough, though, he realized with disdain. Even if he apologized, he'd still done it. Even if he regretted it, he'd still meant to do it in that moment. The former assassin was about to open his mouth, to let the hurt pour out once again, but wasn't given the chance.

"I knew."

Killua tore his gaze from the raven haired teen to look at his sister, who stood similarly, hair hanging down over her downturned face. For a moment, the words didn't register, floating in the air. A second ticked by before the implication began to sink in, a small voice in the back of his mind whispering no.

"I didn't want to say anything, but Nanika told me when it happened." She looked up suddenly, tears forming behind black holes, her gaping mouth shaking as she clenched at the edge of her dress.

"Sorry, Killua," Nanika sniffed, her shoulders scrunching as she curled forward in a childlike motion. "We knew."

For the second time in his life, in the presence of the people who his life had revolved around for so long, Killua's world blurred.

Faintly, he could hear his sister pleading with him, something along the lines of we didn't know how to tell you and we're all alright, aren't we, but none of it stuck. His eyes saw Leorio standing to attention and running to intercept Gon, holding him back as he tried to claw his way over to the white haired teen. Alluka was crying on the edge of his vision, no doubt letting the guilt that had been eating at both girls flow out through her tears. Even so, he saw nothing but black, sinking deep within his own mind.

Gon had arranged for them to be ambushed. And his sister had known.

He was gone faster than he'd ever run from anything in his life.

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