A Runaway Horse and a Flying Arrow
Regina's calves burn after walking for hours. Her neck muscles ache, strained by the unfamiliar weight of her long-again hair, and mud has built up on the bottom of her boots. The trees tower over her. Sunlight flickers across her face through gaps in the branches above. Dried pine needles crunch under her steps, a humidity clings to the air around their small company of misfits, rebels, dwarves and royalty, and she lets out a dark chuckle.
Since Emma's arrival three years ago, not a moment passes that isn't filled by fire, or life-threatening portals, or the return of a manipulative Mother thought long dead. Falsely accused of murdering the Cricket, tortured by Greg – Owen – another ghost, another victim from her past. Chasing through Neverland after Lost Boys and a demon dressed as a boy, saving Henry, just to lose him again.
Never a moment to breathe. Never a moment to process. Just one thing after another, and now it seems she has too much time to revisit old wounds and pour salt in them.
She's finds it quite comical really, in a sick and dark way, that she's traipsing through the forest with the rabble, on their way to live in their castle, together, like one happy family.
One twisted, messed up family.
When she was just a girl, all Regina wanted was to feel at home, to be loved by her mother and her father, to be accepted for who she was and not whom her mother wanted her to be.
Placing one foot after the other, Regina stops paying attention to the friendly conversations around her and disappears into her memories.
"Why do you always have to criticize me?" A seventeen-year-old Regina asked with a sad smile.
"I'm not criticizing you. I'm helping you." Cora's hands clasped together, she balked as her insolent daughter started toward the stables. "Don't you walk away from me." Cora said, hoisting Regina up in a vice like grip.
"Mother. You know I don't like it when you use magic." The young girl struggled against invisible bindings.
"And I don't like insolence." Cora tightened her grip. "I'll stop using magic, when you start being an obedient daughter."
"Why can't I just be myself?" Regina said, exasperated.
"Because you can be so much more. If you'd just let me help you," Cora crooned.
"I don't care about status. I just want to be – " But Regina's voice was cut off as her mother lifted her higher into the air, tied her arms down with the bridle she'd just taken off Rocinante.
Regina wipes sweat off her brow and looked up ahead for a moment. Snow and Charming still lead the group, hands held sickly sweet between the two of them. She remembered shaking as she pleaded for her mother to let her go. Promised she'd be good. Later, she galloped back to the hill she and Daniel always met at to get away from her mother's prying eyes. Daniel had been so tentative and caring, wanted them to picnic at Firefly Hill. Regina wishes she could say her next choice would've been made differently had she known what would happen a few days later. But she knew her decision would've been the same. She still would have shaken her head no and told Daniel she only had an hour.
"Tea time. A lady never misses her tea time." Regina said and shrugged her shoulders with a certain hint of sarcasm that only comes from rolling your eyes at "how to be a lady" lessons.
"This is absurd. Stealing kisses between lunch and tea." Daniel walked away from her.
"It's her." Regina pleaded, no need to clarify she meant her mother. He already knew.
And, it really had been Cora. Regina always balanced on the edge of loving and fearing her mother, seeking after her affection and craving her approval while also feeling equally disappointed in the fact that Cora couldn't accept the real her.
"She thinks one's trajectory needs to keep moving up and – "
"And I'm down." Daniel said, Regina rushed to him.
"She believes that. Daniel, I know better." Her hands rubbing his arms reassuringly.
"Regina, tell her. She'll get over it. What can she do?" His voice is weary from secret, midnight meetings by their tree, stolen glances when no one else is looking, the sassy remarks he has to put up in order to fool Cora.
"Have you not seen her magic?" Regina asks. "The real question is 'What can't she do?'"
"Who cares about magic?" Daniel said, naively. "True love is the most powerful magic of all. It can overcome anything."
Except for death. True love could overcome anything except for death.
Regina's attention immediately drew away from Daniel when she heard a girl's distressed scream.
"Help! Somebody help me!" A horse cut through the meadow, a girl clinging helplessly on its back. Regina ran to Rocinante and swiftly lifted herself up, taking off at a gallop even before her second foot had been in the stirrup.
She could still feel the wind in her hair, the tug on her wrist as she pulled Snow off the horse. They were both out of breath, Snow half sitting, half lying on the ground, Regina crouched in front of her, holding each other's hands.
She could still remember the words that easily flowed out of her mouth. How her first reaction had been to comfort and assuage the trembling girl's fears.
"It's okay, dear, you're safe," her younger self said with a smile that could pierce the darkest of nights.
"You saved my life." Shock and awe on the little girl's face.
"Are you alright?" Regina asked.
"Yes. But I'll never ride again."
"Nonsense. The only way to overcome fear is to face it. To get back on that horse as soon as possible," Regina said, laughing and lightly shaking her head.
"Thank you," the girl said, breathlessly.
"Regina," she introduced herself, kind and bright and hopeful.
"I'm Snow. Snow White."
They hugged after that. And, if Regina had the gift of foresight, she would have known that hug would be her downfall.
Leroy bumps into Regina as she slows her pace and says, "watch yourself, sister," but she isn't paying attention, still trapped within distance memories, stuck in one of the worst days of her life.
"My dear Snow has many things, but a mother is not one of them. We lost her years ago," King Leopold said. If Regina hadn't been looking at the king, she would've seen the right corner of her mother's lip twitch upward.
"I'm so sorry," Regina said.
"Since then I have scoured the land looking for a wife," the King said. "I have yet to find a woman with an interest in my daughter, until now."
Taking a moment to think about it, Regina realizes that's when Leopold's intentions dawned on her, but she'd been helpless to prevent the end of her happiness. Instead she stood there frozen like a deer caught in headlights or a child in the way of an oncoming carriage.
Leopold had wrongly called her a woman. She herself had still been a child, a young girl of 17, and in love with someone else. Something the King hadn't even considered. Not that he cared. If he had, he would've seen her turn to her father for help or look to her mother to stop this from happening. He would've seen through her pained expression and not mistaken it for shock. But instead, he just thought she was a "common" girl like any other who dreamt of a life of royalty, of coronations and gowns. If he'd really truly seen her, he would've known that all she wanted was freedom and the right to choose.
Still wearing the dress her mother fabricated using magic and trickery, she ran to Daniel after that. She cried in his arms, tears staining his stable clothes.
"The only way out of this is to run," she said, frantically. "For us to be married. For us to be out of this place. For us to never come back."
"Life with a stable boy is a far cry from a life as Queen." Daniel asked her if she understood what that would mean.
"Being Queen means nothing." She cupped his face. "Daniel, all I care about is you."
Regina meant it then, but words hadn't been enough. Their love hadn't been enough. When Snow stumbled upon her and Daniel kissing, Regina saw the devastation on her little face, the hurt in her eyes, and as Snow took off crying, Regina chased her. When Snow fell on the ground, Regina's first thought was to ask her if she was okay, to check for scraps and bruises. When Snow wept in confusion, Regina soothed away her tears.
Even then, she'd mothered that child. Before Leopold's wretched wedding ring was forced onto her finger, a symbol of her eternal prison, before the crown was placed heavily onto her head, she'd been concerned for Snow White.
"Why were you kissing that man in the stable?" Snow hiccupped between words and breath. "You're to marry my father. You're to be my mother."
"Snow, hey." Regina touched her cheek and held her hand. "Listen to me. You're father, King Leopold, he's a kind and fair man. But I don't love him."
"I don't understand," Snow's brows set deep in misunderstanding and a little bit of anger. "Why not?"
"Love doesn't' work that way," Regina said, calming the girl by rubbing her thumb along her cheek, getting rid of remaining tears of her face. "Love. True love is magic. And not just any magic, the most powerful magic of all. It creates happiness."
"And that man in the stables, you love him?" Snow asked, beginning to understand.
"With all my heart."
They'd giggled over it, and then Regina convinced Snow not to tell. She realized now what kind of a responsibility she'd placed into the trust of another child. Someone who couldn't fully understand the severe consequences actions could have on the lives of others. What happened in the stables later hadn't just been Snow's fault. It had also been hers.
"You're impossible to talk to," Regina pleaded with her mother. "Stop with the magic and listen to me. I want to be with Daniel."
"Oh. You don't know what you want. But I do," Cora said, patronizingly. "I didn't make the sacrifices I did in life to get you to the cusp of greatness, so that you could end up the wife of a stable boy."
"It's my life," Regina pointed at her chest and took a step away from Daniel.
"Oh. You foolish girl. It's mine," Cora began to advance toward her. "After what I had to do, the deals I had to make to get us out of poverty, to get us this life. And you just want to toss it away?"
Daniel entwined his fingers with Regina's.
"You're magic can't keep us apart. I love him," she shouted.
"And I love her," Daniel stated.
"And I love her, too," Cora spit.
And that's what made that night all so tragic. Cora, and Daniel, and even Snow loved her. They all loved her and wanted what was best for her, acting on her behalf, because they believed their decisions were in her best interest.
"If you loved me, you wouldn't try to keep us apart." Tears formed in Regina's eyes and the rage she'd been feeling toward her mother's oppression bubbled to the surface.
"And if you loved me, you wouldn't try to run away." Cora held her ground.
"I'm sorry, but this is my happiness." Regina gripped Daniel's hand more firmly. "We're going."
"No. You're not." Her mother lifted up her hand then. A small show of magic was all it took.
"So what's your plan? You're going to keep us here forever? Because that's what you'll have to do." Daniel slowly slid his hand up her arm to lend her his strength and support.
That's when Regina witnessed something change in her mother's eyes. She thought it was the realization that she'd have to let her and Daniel go. But. She was wrong.
"So this is your decision? This will make you happy?" Cora brought her hands together and squared her shoulders.
"It already has," Regina smiled.
"Then who am I to stop you?"
"Thank you, Mother." Regina took the remaining steps toward Cora and hugged her, putting a large distance between herself and Daniel for just a moment, but a moment was all it took.
"Daniel… if you want to have a life together, a family, then there's one important lesson I can impart on you." Cora left Regina's side, her daughter at her back now and the stable boy right where she wanted him. "It's what it means to be a parent. You always have to do what's best for your children."
"Thank you. I understand," Daniel said, looking over Cora's shoulder at a smiling Regina, overjoyed at what they both thought was her mother's acceptance. "Because that's what you're doing now," he posited.
"Yes. It is."
The rest happened too quickly. Regina screamed and collapsed on the ground next to Daniel, touched his face, desperately pressed True Love's Kiss against his nonresponsive mouth as tears streamed down her face and her vision blurred.
"You have to trust me Regina. I know best." Cora's chilly voice no longer familiar to her, a stranger, a murderer preyed over her and her now dead fiancé. "Love is weakness, Regina. It feels real now. At the start, it always does. But it's an illusion. It fades. And then you're left with nothing. But power, true power endures. And then you don't have to rely on anyone to get what you want. I've saved you, my love."
"You've ruined everything," Regina shouted, fury embracing her into its welcome arms. "I loved him! I loved him!"
"Enough. I've endured this long enough." Cora roughly jerked her daughter off the ground. "Now clean yourself up. Wipe away your tears. Because now, you're going to be Queen."
Regina's pace must have slowed again because someone, another dwarf, pushes forcefully past her, and she's forced out of her memories.
They're still walking through the Enchanted Forest, still trekking their way to her castle. Regina looks ahead of herself instead of down at the ground as she walks, and she rolls her eyes at Snow who's making her way toward her. Regina sheds no tears, but she knows pain and grief and sorrow betray her.
"Regina, come on," Snow says, pausing in her footsteps to wait for the Queen. She's been watching her. "Where'd you go? You look like you're so far away." The concern on the princesses' face rips through thinly veiled nostalgia and drags her back into the past again.
"No. I'm not mad at all." Regina said to the little girl looking up at her pleadingly. "You were just trying to help me. However, I'm not marrying Daniel. This dress is for your father."
"But I thought you were in love," Uncertainty and hope in Snow's voice.
"So did I. But I was wrong. Daniel has run away." Regina stood taller, her mask drawn up. "What I had with Daniel wasn't real. It was an infatuation. See that's the thing about love. It can come in the most unexpected places. Your father and I have something even more special. Because it's not just about the two of us. It's about all of us. We're going to be a family."
"We are?" Snow smiled.
"That's right. I'm going to be your stepmother and I couldn't be happier," Regina lied.
"Me, too," Snow said.
"Regina," an adult Snow gently tugs on her arm. "Please. I've been watching you. There has to be something you can still hold onto, some hope." Snow smiles. "At least we're all together."
Regina's heart spasms painfully in her chest, thinking about the incessant nagging that awaits her on this journey. Snow is anything if not relentless. Her steps falter, and she digs her boots into the ground. The mere thought of Snow's comforting, hopeful presence day in and out makes her hands sweat, her mouth run dry, and her stomach churn.
Snow tries to touch her.
"Snow… stop," Regina brushes off her hand.
"It'll be alright, Regina. You'll see," the princess still smiles, optimistically.
"Stop." Phantoms of Daniel's pale face still linger in her mind like the sting of a scab she keeps reopening.
"I know how you're feeling," Snow continues. "You have to find a way to be happy."
"Snow, stop." Regina clenches her teeth and her hands start to shake, holding in the rage and magic trying to force its way to the surface.
"You have to find a way," she nods encouragingly.
And, the Queen explodes.
"I can't! Haven't you been paying attention?" Regina looks about, her arms gesturing out and around them wildly. "I have nothing left. At first, it was Daniel, then, it was my freedom, then my father to the curse I cast to bring me back my happiness! And, now, Henry! I can't live without Henry! He was everything, all I had left, and now he's gone. And the worst part is he doesn't even remember me, and I gave your – " she sharply pokes Snow in the shoulder once, "spoiled," twice, "daughter," three times, "all of my memories."
Snow flinches after each jab. Regina's hand falls, dangles limply at her side.
They've drawn the attention of everyone around them. Charming comes running up behind Snow. Of course, he jumped to her rescue, Regina thinks.
"But, Regina, why would you do that?" Snow stutters, confusion and shock war over her face. Her brows set deep.
"Because…" Regina says, she throws her hands in the air. Snow's relentless pestering exhausts her, she lets another burst of emotion slip, exasperated her hands rest on the top of her head, where she grips her hair before letting her hands take their place at her sides. A lonely tear slips down Regina's cheek.
"Just because Henry can't remember me…" Regina puts extra emphasis on can't, shakes her head, and swallows the lump in her throat. "Doesn't mean he should lose all our good memories. Every trip for chocolate ice cream, every fit of laughter spurred by a tickle fight, nights spent reading chapters out of Huckleberry Finn, afternoons spent kissing away bruises and calming fears."
Another tear escapes the hold of her eyelashes.
"Camping out in our backyard under the stars, early Saturday mornings snuggled in my bed together when he was still young enough to want to cuddle with me, before he thought of me as the Evil Queen." Regina's arms wrap around her middle, she pulls the heavy cloak tighter against her body. "I'm not selfish enough to keep those from him. Those little moments. They make Henry, Henry. Only now, instead of me, it'll be Emma who smoothed Band-Aids over his cut knees and mothered his pain away."
"Oh, Regina…" Snow tries to touch her stepmother, but knows almost instantly it's a mistake.
"Don't touch me!" Regina recoils, overly aware of how much she's shared with Snow, with everyone standing around her, eyes filled with pity. "How many times do I have to say it?"
She stalks off into the woods, away from Snow, away from Charming, away from eyes, and ears, and pity. Charming goes to stop her, but his wife stays his hand.
"No, I'll go," Snow says, "Just give us a minute." She starts to walk past him, but then stops and says, "On second thought, it might be while." Snow smiles weakly at her Charming.
She finds Regina roughly 30 paces off the path, and the way she's leaning against a tree, clinging to the bark like her life depends on it, terrifies her. Snow has never seen her so broken before. No matter what has happened, no matter what life has thrown at her, Regina has always been strong and resilient, but this person shaking with grief and anger isn't that same woman anymore. She's a shadow of her former self, finally cracking under the many burdens she carries. Snow is sure that if she could see Regina's heart through her chest, she'd find it's tarnished with fissures and deep, gaping crevices, ready to split apart.
Regina knows it's Snow's footsteps behind her without turning around. She's the only one who would dare after the spectacle she made of herself in front of the others. She thinks Charming might have come, he seems keen to protect her since he witnessed her first emotional outpour after he said they needed to put Daniel down, gun at the ready, hand on the stall door.
"Go away, Snow," Regina says, her voice tired and heavy. "What more could you possibly want from me?"
She's not sure what causes it, but Regina is startled when a sudden bout of courage seizes Snow, and she grabs Regina's arms, pulling her away from the tree and spinning her around.
"No, you listen to me," Snow's eyes burn, dark and stormy into hers before returning to normal, gentle orbs. Regina's not quite sure what she sees reflected there. "A long time ago, you saved my life. Please, let me try and save yours."
Regina doesn't know what to say, her jaw slack and mouth agape, she wants to counter, bite back, but she knows now that Snow probably sees the same thing she's been trying to fight against all day but failing at – defeat. Her pause gives Snow the time she needs to continue, as long as she has Regina's attention, she's going to take what she can get.
"You know, you're the one who showed me that true love exists," Snow says, her eyes glisten. "No one had ever told me about it before. You're also the one who showed me that there can be a genuine, selfless connection between people, even strangers. That day that you risked your life to save mine, you taught me about second chances –" Snow's cut off by Regina's shaky voice.
"I'm way past my second chance, Snow," Regina's eyes penetrate hers.
"I know that's what you think, Regina, but as long as you keep breathing, you will always have another second chance, you just have to believe. That's the beauty of it. Right now your heart might be causing you pain, but I promise you it will let you feel something else soon enough."
"And what's that?" Regina blinks, her shoulders slump in feigned resignation.
"The one thing Henry always wanted for you – happiness," Snow smiles.
"That doesn't seem possible," Regina counters. "I can't be happy without him."
"Find a way," Snow pauses, "And, Regina." Snow drops her arms and smiles at her. "I know Emma's not here to do this, but, if she were, I know she'd say the same thing I'm about to."
"Which would be?" Regina tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear, eyelids heavy and puffy from angry tears.
"Thank you," Snow's smile is weak, but it's genuine, her words shock Regina's eyes open. "For what you did for her and Henry, and thank you for what you did for me."
"What exactly did I do for you, other than try to kill you on multiple occasions?" Regina says, smoothing out the wrinkles in her cloak and fixing her riding gloves.
Snow chuckles.
"You, more than anymore, know I wasn't always this frustratingly optimistic. You taught me how to be like that," Snow says, smirking.
"Oh, God," Regina says, rolls her eyes, pushes past her and walks back to the path and company they left behind.
They walk in silence until they make camp. What little supplies Aurora and Phillip were able to give them, everyone uses to set up makeshift sleeping areas. It's not shocking Regina chooses to be further away from the group, her tent closer to the canopy of the trees than the small patch of open field most huddle on together.
Snow's words still echo in her head as she sits on a log. She promised Henry she wouldn't use magic unless necessary or for the benefit of others. She chooses to believe the brush she just called into existence is for the well-being of others. She runs it through her hair, untangling knots and small leaves before settling her hands into her lap, unmoving save for the subtle rise and fall of her shoulders as she breathes.
Regina swallows down grief and puts on a mask she wears often.
Cold. Indifferent. She knows she can't do it for long though, her veil is slowly slipping.
Snow and Charming call an impromptu council meeting that night, and Regina quickly realizes why she never allowed anyone else to speak around her table. There are far too many voices inside the tent, carefully considering potential risks of storming the castle. None of them know what condition it's in, other than it still stands. Neal tells them his father's castle was ransacked and occupied by new tenants after the dark curse. He points out they don't know what's waiting for them at Regina's castle.
"I protected it. No one can get in, unless I say so," Regina's voice is stern and sharp.
Snow and Charming think they should all go together. Regina thinks she should go alone. Many think their opinions matter to her, but they don't. Ultimately, the relatively easy life these people led as their cursed selves in Storybrooke bred a culture of impatience among them, and they veto most of Regina's suggestions, because most of them still don't trust her. Not that she blames any of them.
They've lived a quiet existence for so long, in a town where the most they had to worry about before the curse broke was which one of five menu options could they order from at Granny's. Many forget the dangers posed in the Enchanted Forest. However, the possibility of the castle being a safe haven from the elements is too great a temptation. Against Regina's wishes and advice, the council votes to travel to the castle together first thing in the morning.
Back out in the fresh, forest air, Regina lifts her cloak higher off the ground and sits down on a log in front of their crackling camp fire. Its embers hot and cutting in the moonlight. Her back is stiff from the last eight hours she has been wearing this corset. She knows once she takes it off her body will sigh in relief. To her chagrin, Snow finds a place next to her.
"You're thinking about Henry again, aren't you?" Snow smooths out the bottom of her dress.
"You already asked me that, and I already told you," Regina sighs deeply and breathes in the smell of musky smoke, and sizzling sap, and popping pine needles.
She leans forward and tosses in another dry, withered log. The timber sets the fire ablaze, releasing whispered hisses and the intoxicating smell of years and years of energy soaked up from the sun, the air, and the ground around it. Regina closes her eyes and lets yellow and orange kaleidoscopes dance across her eyelids as the heat washes over her, "rosy"ing up her cheeks. Sitting on this dark, log bench, in the cold, dark Enchanted Forest, her ears and nose perk up, focusing on every little sound and smell around them.
"I'm always thinking about Henry. But no, I was actually thinking about how I'd trade a bra and pant suit for this – " Regina motions toward her attire. "Any day."
"Personally, I'd give anything for indoor plumbing –" Snow stops to slap away a mosquito that just bit her on the neck. "And bug spray."
They both pause to look at each other as Leroy shouts to Charming that he's walking to the "girls' side of the forest to take a piss." It's dark so they can't see it, but they're sure Charming is blushing. Both women laugh, tears leaking out the corners of their eyes.
If she had a choice, Regina never would've come back to the Enchanted Forest. The land overflows with memories of her being a prisoner, of her hurting people, of her choosing darkness over light in order to protect herself from getting hurt again.
No, Storybrooke was the only true place she ever called home, and she quite enjoyed her modern conveniences.
"My espresso machine," Regina says. "I used to make myself a shot every morning before – " Regina frowns. "Before Henry awoke, then I would make him breakfast and pack his lunch."
A sad smile finds its way back to Regina's face again, and Snow knows she needs to keep distracting her, little by little, and as the sun rises and the sun sets, she's certain Regina's heart will start to heal.
"Tampons," Snow blurts, her face deadpanned.
"Excuse me?" Regina quirked her brow, a smile forming at the edge of her mouth.
"Tampons," Snow says, as if it is the most normal thing in the world. "I'll miss tampons."
"You can stop saying the word, tampons, Snow." Regina smirks, amused.
"Yes, well," the princess is back to fidgeting with her dress. "Can you blame me?"
Both women laugh again, the fire slowly simmers to a quiet glow, and they continue talking about sun screen, and cars, and cell phones, and electricity, sharing the things they'll miss, tiptoeing around what their hearts really crave – their children.
Most of their company is fast asleep in their tents already. The fire low and barely burning, the chirping of crickets fills the spaces between them when words don't flow freely. Finally, as the last log on the fire crumbles into ashes, Snow stands, yawns and looks down at Regina.
"I'll see you in the morning," Snow says, but also says so much more with knowing eyes.
Regina's eyes shift to her hands in her lap, Snow's hand pats them and stays on top of hers, it's meant to be comforting, but it only reminds her again of what she has lost. Regina swallows a lump in her throat and nods.
Before the sun rises, Regina reels out of bedroll, startled out of sleep by a nightmare. Sweat mats her hair to her face; her light, cream colored night gown sticks to her back. She pants into the darkness, her hand over her heart, clinking to the fabric that covers it, as if her life depends on it. It is quiet, and Regina is alone, so she lets her guard down for a moment, uses magic to create a sound barrier, and sobs, trembling and shaking.
Ever since she stepped back into this godforsaken forest, every poor choice, every mistake she made over the years keeps running through her mind. They bombard her like moths to a flame, make her flinch, as Greg Wendell's whispered "villains never get happy endings" scratch through her ears.
She still feels the current of burning, ripping electricity as it tears through her body at full power, as muscles seize and back bends at an odd, broken angle, as teeth clench unwillingly, wrists fight against restraints. The metal table Greg strapped her down to was no different than the abuse at her mother's hand, or the crown, and castle, and title that enslaved her to Leopold and a life without love. Each felt cold, and hard, and left her alone and tormented. Each a prison forced upon her.
Images of black wraiths, crushed hearts, the face of an old, possessive King often plague her. She fought for so long against nightmares that stole her away from sleep. She learned to push them down into the catacombs of her mind, but tonight, the monsters, she thought gone, remind her that they always linger just below the surface, ready to terrorize her out of slumber and into the land of the living. Usually, when she wakes, she's able to force poisonous thoughts and unwanted memories out of her mind, but tonight she finds she's not sure which is worse – her dreams, or her reality.
Regina's strangled cries wrack her body, and she's overwhelmed by the need to run. With only a thin blanket wrapped around her shoulders, she hastily stumbles out of her tent and into the crisp and unforgiving air, her breath captured in wisps of white. She leaves the group, barefoot and shaken, her eyes wild, an hour before the sun crests the mountains to the east.
Regina runs quietly through the trees, hair bouncing on her back, wind of her own making whipping strands of it around her face. Her hands and feet sting from the biting morning, but she doesn't stop, can't run fast enough or far enough to escape the haunting nightmare that pulled her awake. She can't erase the image of Henry's heartless body lying on the ground, Pan mocking her and her failure. Can't forget the agony she felt when she realized she killed her baby, cursed her sweet, precious son with a sleeping curse meant for the Savior. Can't ignore Daniel's face as he died in the stables a second time, gripping her arms painfully one minute as dust settled on the ground in the next. Can't get the nightmare out of her head where Henry didn't want her, didn't choose her time and time again.
She runs, and she runs, and she runs, the soles of her feet pounding on the ground, until an upturned root grabs her foot, and she collides with earth, and leaves, and gravel. A flock of birds fly out of a tree, startled and squawking. The wind is knocked out of her, she rolls over to catch her breath, her hair sprawled out around her.
The world is spinning, and spinning, and spinning. Regina closes her eyes. Just breathe, she says to herself, tears violently mingling with dirt and grim. Breathe and it'll be over soon. She gasps for breath between sobs, her tremors not as violent, and with a few more deep breaths, the world rights itself.
Regina groans as she pushes herself off the ground, tiny cuts on her palms sting, mud stains the cream night gown she wasn't very fond of anyway. Leaves and twigs embed in her hair. Last remnants of sleep long gone, Regina listens to the sounds of the forest echoing around her, and now that her heart has stopped hammering in her chest, she finally hears silence.
Stretching her neck, she walks stiffly. Regina already sore from sleeping on the hard ground, her muscles knot and tense. The twinge in her neck begins to subside. Although, aches and pains don't really bother her, she's used to them. It seems she spends most of her time getting knocked down or out by magic or by people nowadays. She welcomes the distraction, and she is relieved it makes her mind focus on a simple physical hurt rather than dwell on emotional agony, churning within her.
Regina's feet start moving again, following the man made path of a dirt trail. She wanders quietly. Her steps take her where she needs to go, while her mind is full of grief, shock and anger. If only it could just all end. What is the purpose of living without the only person that matters?
What will become of her life without her little prince?
Regina sees a haze of mist in the distance and as she rounds a path of trees, a small stream comes into view. Sinking onto a boulder beside the water, Regina leans forward and rubs her hands over her tired face, her knees are bruised. She sits for a long time, listening to the water as it washes over rocks and fallen branches, soothing undertones provide a reprieve from her inner turmoil. Her eyes drift shut, allows her mind to wander, but as much as she tries to prevent it, her thoughts always lead back to Henry.
She just needs a moment, a moment to grieve him, to grieve who she used to be, for dreams she used to have, for love lost, and happiness torn asunder, but it does not take a moment. She has lived a lifetime of tragedy and heartache. She needs days, and months, and years, and maybe decades. The pain is overwhelming with nothing to tether her, nothing to bring her back, no hope to hold onto.
Daniel is gone. Her father is gone. Henry is gone.
Snow's words echo against the inside of her skull.
"Find a way."
But, despite everything pointing to the contrary, Regina doesn't feel she can. This fate is worse than any curse she could have conjured, worse than any spell she could have cast. Her tears drip and stream down her face, each droplet off her chin greets the boulder with an audible thump, thump, thump.
"I'm sorry, Henry, but I don't think I can, not without you."
Regina slides off the concrete surface, thudding to her knees, she cries out again as sensitive skin and bone meet cold, wet ground. She slumps back onto her heels, her arms hugging around her middle, her head drops forward, chin on her chest. In a last ditch effort to retain control, she scrunches her eyes shut in the vain hope of blotting out the horrifying reality of her situation.
She's home, and Henry's lost to her forever. She gasps in stunning, desperate pain, and does the only thing she can think to do. Stabbing her hand into her chest, Regina welcomes the new wave of agony. She pulls her hand out, tightly holding her heart, and inside she grows hollow from its absence.
Her anguish doesn't dull as much as she thought it would, which frustrates her more.
A fallen stick the size of her forearm catches her eye, and, without thinking, she grabs it and begins to dig a hole.
He's tracking a deer through the woods in the wee hours of morning, laying down on a high enclave with his bow lined up for his shot. His men and son will feast tonight, be merry around firelight while he drinks golden ale and ponders over the new threat approaching from the west. He is about to release his arrow, when he hears crows screaming, their wings beating harshly against the air. Something disturbs his forest, and he has never been one to shy away from danger, so he slips down from his place among the trees, landing silently on his feet with bended knees.
A mist rolls in as he eventually spots what distracted him from his kill, or rather who distracted him. A woman stands on shaky legs, brushing dirt and mud from her hands and night shift. He is out of her eye line, blended in with the forest where he was raised from birth. It appears, she fell, but he is not quite sure why she is in the forest at such an hour, or why she is alone and hardly wearing anything.
He himself wears his cloak and heavy winter clothes. He knows it's freezing, yet she does not seem to mind. He watches, mulling over his next course of action – introduce himself or wait and see what she does next. His eyes wander over her body, she is petite, but the muscles in her arms tell him she is strong. Her hair is long, black like midnight and under the light of the moon and early morning sun, she looks ethereal.
He stares as she leans her head back and takes an audible breath, and as morning rays flicker through the trees and kiss her face, he notices she is crying. Surely, her beauty entrances him, but there is more. The woman could not be less than her late 20s, no more than her early 30s, and the sorrow he sees in her face steals his breath away. When she turns toward the river, he follows, many hours hunting taught him how to tread light footed between trees unnoticed.
For a moment, he loses sight of her, and his heart rate quickens, until he spies her again, only this time she is in a heap on the ground. To say her dress has ridden up slightly would be an understatement, for he sees the creaminess of her thighs just before fabric prevents him from seeing the rest. She whispers something, tears run down her cheeks and drip off the end of her nose. He observes her bare feet, and scraped up knees. Even though she is crying, she still holds herself high. And, there was a certain air about her while she was waltzing through the forest, defeated but also proud. He wonders if she is a lady or royal born, and, if so, where from. He has never seen her before, and she very quickly captivated him moving through the trees like a phantom.
He would very much like to take her in his arms and sooth whatever ails her, her heartbreak palpable. Bloody hell, he thinks. Where did that come from?
He makes up his mind, moves to take a step toward her, done with spying and intruding on intimate moments, when he stops dead in his tracks. Eyes wide and aghast, he sprints toward the woman now holding her heart in her hand, furiously digging a hole in the ground.
"Stop right there," he shouts, sliding down the hill on his heels. There is only one person he has heard of who can steal hearts out of the chests of men and women.
A man's voice catches Regina off guard, and she gasps. She quickly turns, heart in one hand, fireball ready in the other.
He pulls his bow from his back and notches an arrow. The sneer on her face creases a line between his brows. While following her, he had seen someone vulnerable and at prey to the shadows that lurked in the forest. Now, he sees he was mistaken. She is not the prey, she is the predator, her beauty and grace luring him in like the frogs he reminds his son not to play with, their color and their seemingly docile nature camouflaging their lethalness.
"How dare you!" Regina shouts.
"I have to warn you. Even if I were a terrible shot, which I'm not, this arrow never misses its mark." The hooded man stands a few feet away from her, staring. "Now, what are you doing?"
"Nothing that concerns you," Regina growls.
"That may be. However, I heard tale the Evil Queen returned, I didn't think I would stumble upon her alone in my forest." The man takes another step toward her, looking down at the heart she still holds in her hand.
"Go away," Regina spits, getting to her feet. Gods, she doesn't want this, doesn't need this. She hates this intrusion, this existence. She hates feeling. She just wants it all to stop.
"Why would you do that?" he asks, eyes honed in on her pulsating heart, his voice low and filled with genuine concern.
Regina can't bring herself to look up, but she huffs a bitter laugh. Whoever he is, he obviously isn't afraid of her, and she is growing tired of his presence.
"You know who I am," Regina says haughtily, it isn't a question.
She watches as he nods once.
"Then, you know I don't answer to peasants," Regina snaps. Her voice is surprisingly steady considering her inner turmoil, and she looks away from him. "Now, go away."
"I'm sorry, M'lady, but I can't do that," he says, lowering his bow, he studies her.
Her hair falls loosely, wisps of it wild yet ever regal, the blanket she wrapped around her now haphazardly lies on the floor. The sleeve of her night shift is pulled down, collarbone and shoulder bare to him. Her eyes wide and bright from crying. She looks like a lioness, emotions tightly wound, caged within, ready to pounce. The stories of her beauty do not do her justice.
"You see, I have a duty to the people of this forest," he continues. "I promised long ago that I would offer help wherever it is needed. And, you, M'lady," he says, pointing toward the beating heart in her hand. "You clearly need it."
She is broken, and stunning, and he also knows she is dangerous, but right now he doesn't see the Evil Queen in front of him. Right now, he sees somewhat of a kindred soul. He remembers a time when he, himself, was someone desperate enough to rip out their own heart.
"And, what makes you think you know me so well?" Regina scoffs.
"Well, for one thing, I'd be charred to a crisp right now if I didn't," he motions to the fireball still alive in her hand.
Regina smirks at him and snuffs it out. He's bold. She'll give him that.
From that instance on, he feels possessed, a desperate yearning swells in him to comfort her, to protect her from herself. Where has this come from? He shakes his head. It is all madness, he thinks, until he looks into her eyes once again.
"Maybe," Regina says, her voice hoarse from sobbing. "Now go before I change my mind."
"How I wish I could, M'lady." He walks up to Regina until he is a couple feet from her and stops, his eyes bright with resolve. "But, I do not believe I can walk away until you return that," he points to her heart. "Back to where it belongs."
"It's better this way," she says, shaking her head, her steely-eyes fierce and penetrating.
"How could this be better?" he says, he knows he is pushing his luck, but she is letting him. "Clearly, you're in pain and surely your heart can help you heal."
"What do you know of my pain?" Regina looks up with startled eyes and takes a step back.
He looks upon the tear-stained tracks on her cheeks, evidence of her suffering and he is almost knocked back by the force of his own realization.
This is the great and terrible Evil Queen? Her fearsome reputation is known throughout the realm, yet he finds he has already dropped the "Evil" from her name.
She is vulnerable, and trying so hard to hold onto her walls. He sees it. He knows what that is like, knows grief, and sorrow, and pain. He cannot help but be curious and wonder what has her out here, disheveled with twigs and dirt and leaves in her hair, mud on her hands, and feet, and clothing. What has the Queen so heartbroken that she is a breath away from abandoning her heart, her heart, in the middle of the forest?
"I would never claim such a knowledge, M'lady." His concerned eyes meet her dark ones. "But if you would allow me the privilege, I would like to help."
"Who are you?" She stared him up and down.
"Robin, Robin of Locksley," he says, grinning. She is trying to figure out her next move. He sees it as her eyes shift rapidly side to side, so he waits, and he isn't rewarded for his patience.
"The thief," she says.
"Yes, well, to be fair, I stole from the rich and gave to the poor," he gestures forward with his hand, showing her he would like to step closer. She nods, still unsure of this bold outlaw. "And, as we're tossing labels around, aren't you technically known as the Evil Queen?"
She flinches even though her heart is still in her hand and not in her chest, and he thinks he has overstepped this playful back and forth they have going.
"I prefer Regina," she says.
"Regina," Robin says, "I don't know what it is you're going through, but I know enough about grief to know this isn't the answer. No matter how much pain you may feel, you can't just bury it in the woods."
She's angry again, doesn't like it when people tell her what she can and can't do.
"Watch me," she says, turning around and stalking away from him. She kneels back on the ground by the hole she dug, wincing as her knees touch dirt.
"M'lady, you won't feel better. You won't feel anything."
Standing up again, Regina whirls around and shouts, "That's the point. I can't keep walking around knowing that I'll never see – " her faces falls, and she realizes what she was about to tell him, this stranger who happened upon her in the early break of morning.
He smiles sadly at her and feels he knows what she was about to say, so he goes out on a limb.
"My wife died because I inadvertently put her in harm's way during a job. After I lost her, I thought I'd never know happiness again." Robin watches as her eyes closes and tears slip from between her lashes. "I felt like that for a long time. Her death was my fault. I would have walked through hell to be with her again. But, when I finally admitted to myself that she was gone and that she was never coming back, I had to let that guilt go."
"I've lost so many people I care about. More than I'd like to admit," Regina says, shaking her head, her heart now held closely to her chest. She doesn't have the strength for walls and barriers to keep people out, her emotions already rampant and unrelenting.
"Including a child?" Robin guesses, and he knows he's right, because if looks could kill, he would be dead where he stands.
"How did you – " she begins.
"I've seen many fathers and mothers lose their children over the years," Robin's voice is somber, Regina knows he is telling the truth. "It's harder to tell with the fathers, I've seen them turn to the drink or lash out in anger. It's hard to bare witness to their grief. But the mothers..." Robin clears his throat. "They usually clinging to their stomachs as you did just moments ago. Unless I've misread, clearly you are a mother." He nods to the plot of earth she had been sitting on.
"You were spying on me?" Regina snarls.
This thief amazes her. No one has ever been able to read her so well, nor has anyone ever been so brazenly bold with their words around her. She can't decide if she likes it or not.
Robin ignores her question.
"Your child's not with you. What happened to…"
"My son. He's not dead if that's what you think." Regina's gaze falls on the soil below her feet. "He's just lost to me forever." Her voice hushed and filled with regret.
Robin notices the sun is fully out now, its beams cast light and gold around Regina's head like a halo. She looks exquisite in her thin, cotton shift. Goosebumps no longer pepper her arms and legs, and he can see the dark bags under her eyes much more clearly now that the mist has parted.
"I know how you feel, Regina," Robin says.
"I doubt that," she says.
"When I lost my wife I thought there was no reason to go on. But then I found one," he inches his way toward her, she eyes still downcast as her thumbs brushes along the deep, black veins in her heart.
"And what was that?" she says.
"People I care about." Robin takes another quiet step toward her.
"That's where you and I are different. I've already lost Henry. I've already lost the only thing I care about." Regina's grip tightens on her heart and tears slip down her cheeks.
"That doesn't mean you won't find a new reason." He takes two more steps. He can almost touch her now. "We all get a second chance, Regina. You just have to open your eyes to see it."
She closes her eyes and sighs, back to shaking her head, what is it with this man and Snow and their second chances.
"So, that's it? You just wanna give up?" Robin asks, it pains him that she can't see beyond her grief.
"Don't pretend to know me, thief! Or have you forgotten who you're speaking to?" Regina snaps.
Robin bites his tongue, thinking about what to say next, because she's right. He knows of her, knows stories of the Evil Queen, but he doesn't know her, doesn't know Regina. But, it's clear, she's as broken as he was when Marian died, maybe even more so. He has always been good at reading people, and, for whatever reason, Robin can read Regina like a book, a very detailed, worn out book. He doesn't know why he cares, where this great need to convince her to return her heart comes from, so instead of trying to figure it out, he blames it on duty and honor.
"And, this isn't an end. It's an eternal middle, an in between," Regina rationalizes. "My heart will stay buried, and if there ever comes a day when Henry and I find our way back to each other, well, he's the only true love in my life and the only reason I'd even want to have it back in my chest again."
"Regina, listen to me. This is a mistake," Robin says. He takes another step toward her.
That's when he sees a shadow pass over them from above, he's sure Regina would have seen it, too, but her eyes are closed. His gaze shifts, but the shadow is gone. Nevertheless, Robin knows when he is being hunted.
"Regina, listen to me. You need to put that back in your chest," Robin says, cautiously, his eyes still searching the sky, while his hand reaches behind his back.
"And just who do you think you are?" She watches him place his fingers around his bow, misreading him, she forms a fireball in her hand.
"M'lady," Robin grits his teeth. "I'm trying to tell you – " But he has no more time to explain.
They both wheel around to their joint-left as an animalistic screech comes from above them.
"Put that back in your chest!" Robin shouts, and Regina doesn't hesitate, her grief and sorrow and anguish crash down on her in full force, it momentarily knocks her off balance.
Robin stands in front of her, notching a new arrow and waiting for the perfect opening. He sees Regina out of the corner of his eye, and she jumps directly in front of him. He shouts her name and quickly lowers his weapon.
"I don't run from monsters, they run from me," she says, throwing a fireball at it, but it glances off the creature's wing and it still holds its course. They have little time to react so they both duck, but, it's not quick enough, and the beast latches onto Regina's arm, pulling her up into the air.
"Regina!" Robin shouts, grabbing her legs. The weight of them both too much for the creature, it releases its talons.
Regina and Robin fall into a heap on the hard, forest floor. Robin rolls to the side and braces himself against a nearby tree. He hollers at Regina to "stay down," his arrow cuts through the air, embedding itself in the winged beasts shoulder, it screams and flies away.
Robin drops his head and pauses for just a moment to catch his breath.
This is not what he expected his morning would be like. He planned on tracking down a deer, carrying it back to camp, and celebrating another day lived with his Merry Men and his son, Roland. He did not expect to be sneaking through the forest at daybreak, following a woman who turned out to be the Queen, to then have to convince her to put her heart back where it rightfully belonged, only to be attacked by God only knows what that winged creature from hell was.
"Are you completely mad?!" He rounds on her. "You stepped in between me and a moving target. Do you know how dangerous that is?"
Regina scoffs, brushing herself off while she stands, and hisses.
"M'lady, you're wounded." He rushes to inspect her arm, anger forgotten. He drops his bow and arrows on the ground beside her, gently lifts her arm to inspect the nasty gash that mars her otherwise pristine skin.
"Glad to know chivalry isn't dead," Regina says, watching as a grin appears on his lips. "And, I'm fine. It's just a scratch." She pulls her arm away.
"No, we should get that looked at. It might get infected." Robin glances around. "We should leave this place before that beast comes back. Where's your camp? I'll escort you."
"Excuse me?" Regina's brows rise.
"Come, M'lady. You're injured. I'm duty bound and cannot let you go alone." Robin offers her his hand.
"It's a good thing you don't have a say in the matter." With that, Regina raises her arms up and disappears in a cloud of purple, leaving him behind with his hand outstretched toward nothing but air and forest.
Robin looks around him in a full circle.
"Unbelievable," he shouts, stalking over to his bow and arrows on the ground, lifting them up and onto his back where they belong. "Great. Just great."
It's only after she's gone that he realizes she hadn't been wearing anything under her night gown. He'd been so distracted by her tears, her heart, and beauty, and the beast, and fire, and her anger, and how infuriating she is, and her injury that he barely had time to register that he could vaguely see peaked nipples on the other side of thin fabric.
"Bloody hell," Robin says, running his hand through his hair.
He started the morning tracking a deer, and now he's returning to his camp empty handed with pants a little too tight for his liking.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the ouat premise, just the parts where things take a twist. :)