A/N: thank you guys so much for your feedback & follows! I'm so happy to see that you guys are enjoying this, and I hope you'll like this second part :) only one more chapter after this! I'm also hard at work on the next chapter of Life After Death, so keep an eye out for that soon :D thank you guys again so SO much, and I look forward to your feedback! :D
Over the course of the next month, Summer sunk so deeply and wholly in denial that she considered permanently moving there and perhaps opening a coffee shop in order to serve other residents of the mythical land, some of whom were probably as royally fricked as she was. Then once a month they'd all get together and commiserate about the thing that they were all in such deep denial about, similar to an AA meeting but for idiots instead of addicts. They'd all reside in a river in Egypt and everything would be miserable.
The morning after the fateful hook-up at her apartment, Summer woke up to kisses on her neck and hands pulling the covers away from her body, and thus began the real start the friends with benefits arrangement that Bucky had so brilliantly proposed. She had thought that she might have still been dreaming, but by the time that he had dragged her into the shower and, after getting her worked up all over again, dropped on his knees in front of her to really wake her up, she knew that none of it was a dream and that it was all, in fact, very real.
Not a day went by after that where she didn't question herself or what they were doing. They had agreed not to broadcast it to their friends to avoid potential lectures or drama, so she couldn't really ask anyone for advice or freak out to anyone about it like she desperately wanted to. Instead, all she could do was act as normal as possible on the outside while slowly and painfully dying on the inside. It was a balancing act that was doomed to fail, but she had a feeling that went for a lot of things those days.
The first week, they saw each other every single night. It was so new and so incredibly fun that they couldn't resist, and if the first night blew her mind, the rest of that week utterly obliterated it. Bucky had the filthiest mouth she'd ever heard or even conceived as being possible outside of self-published Internet fiction, and he made it a point to push her to her limits and see what her body was capable of handling. As it turned out, it could handle a lot, and where before she had always been content with just managing to get there once, he liked to keep going and going and going until she was in tears and begging him to stop. She had never known that it was possible to lose one's mind that many consecutive times in one night, and yet the man responsible for it would simply grin and tell her that it had just taken her this long to find someone who knew what they were doing. She couldn't argue there.
After that first week, they both got a bit busier and the nightly routine became more of a twice or thrice weekly thing. He usually came to her place, saying he preferred her bed although she didn't know how because it was too firm for her liking, but sometimes it was her who would show up at his door and wreck his bed. It wasn't those nights that stressed her out or made her want to rip out her own hair - usually - but group outings with their friends became a lot trickier.
The thing was, Bucky had never shied away from touching her or acting anything but comfortable with her, ever since they had first become close friends. They were the kind of friends who would share drinks and dance at bars together without thinking anything of it - or at least Summer tried not to think anything of it - and playful touches and tickles and even little humorous smacks were the norm. Everybody was used to it, so then when they ended up at a club with the others two weeks into their arrangement, Summer knew that she needed to act completely normal even though now when Bucky touched her, it felt anything but normal.
She sat there with her drink, dying inside as everyone carried on as they always did, including Bucky as he sat next to her at their table. He'd elbow her and point out when a guy was checking her out, stretch out his arm on the back of her seat like he always did, steal her drink and down half of it while she protested - all completely normal things that were now almost unbearable since they had crossed a very significant line.
She expected Natasha, the resident know-it-all - as in literally knowing everything about everyone even when there was next to nothing to go on - to pick up on what was happening and immediately corner Summer later to demand what was wrong with her. But maybe she was a better actress than she thought, because she even kept her cool when, three rounds in and in the midst of a vibrant table-wide conversation, Bucky's hand slipped inconspicuously under the table and to her leg.
She almost choked on her drink and quickly glanced at him with poorly hidden alarm, but he was in the middle of recounting a story to Peggy about some old adventure he'd had with Steve, and he wasn't looking her way in the least. She told herself to chill out and took another drink, though her heart began to pound in her ears when his hand didn't remain still but rather slipped slowly up her skirt and creeped inwards to her inner thigh. She could have pushed him away or squirmed her legs shut, telling him no, but being the glutton for pain that she was, she didn't. Instead, nerves on fire, she shifted and made it easier for him to reach her. He took the invitation for what it was, and as he laughed with Peggy over one particularly hilarious part of his story, he began Summer's real torture.
She both loved and absolutely hated every moment of it. It was so bad and so dirty and nobody had ever done this to her in a public place, much less at a table full of her closest friends, but she was the one allowing it and secretly loving it, so what did that make her? She even kept up the charade when he turned and looked at her, straight in the eye, and asked her if she remembered this one time that he almost got into a fistfight with an irate cab driver, and all the while his fingers were moving slowly and torturously and she couldn't even breathe. She could see that little faint gleam of mischief in his eyes as he waited for an answer, and after she gave it in a surprisingly steady voice, he laughed and then turned back to the others to resume the story.
She had been right on the edge of losing it when Natasha decided that she wanted to dance but not with any of the grabby-handed guys at the club. She asked Summer to get up and go dance with her, and Bucky withdrew his hand immediately and at the worst possible time. Summer, all but dying as she tried desperately to conceal her distress, nodded to Nat with a shaky smile and then, as Nat dragged her off, Summer turned to look at Bucky as he smiled at her innocently. He was leaning his chin on his thumb, other fingers pressed lightly to his mouth in a completely normal, casual way, but she knew there was nothing normal or casual about it when he just barely licked at one so discreetly that she was the only one who could have possibly seen it.
God, how she hated him.
He made sure to make it up to her later, but it was only the first stunt that he pulled like that. More came later on in the next few weeks, like when he grabbed her and kissed the hell out of her in the middle of Steve and Peggy's kitchen while the other couple bickered in the adjoining living room over what to watch on TV. It was like it was his mission to fluster her as much as possible, and half the time she barely knew how to handle it. He was maddening and exhilarating and literally an idiot if he couldn't see what he was doing to her, but it didn't seem that he did in the slightest. He was just having fun, and she was having the best and the worst time of her life.
During the day, aside from when he did obscene things to her under tables at clubs, he acted no different than he ever had. He still told her anything and everything and their friendship was, in daylight hours, largely unchanged. In bed he showered her with pet names like sweetheart and baby and then the rest of the time, she was just Summer again. She knew that was how it was supposed to be, after all, but it didn't confuse her any less. She couldn't fathom how someone could be as into a another person as he seemed to be when they were intimate, and yet then once it was over, revert back into buddy mode.
But it was better than nothing, right?
Near the one month anniversary of their first night as "friends with benefits", Bucky headed out of town to spend a three day weekend at his younger sister's home in Pennsylvania. He did that from time to time, getting away from the city to spend time with Rebecca and her handful of kids who adored him, and he always came back smiling a little brighter and a little happier.
Summer offered to help him pack the night before he left. He accepted, and then as a result, zero packing got done until an hour before his train left the station the following morning.
Halfway into his absence, Summer roped Natasha into coming over to her place and drinking with her so that she wouldn't have to drink alone and feel pathetic. She wasn't drinking for any particular reason other than the fact that it was a Saturday night and watching movies with her favorite actors in them was more fun with friends and alcohol. Also, she was trying her damnedest not to think about literally anything, so it was a good plan to make that happen.
Summer was on her third glass of wine and Natasha her fourth when they found themselves laughing so hard that they were crying. The movie on the TV was mostly forgotten, and Summer hadn't felt so carefree in ages. She had a major case of the giggles, and even Natasha had them too, and that wasn't something that happened often.
"I'm so glad you came here tonight," Summer said through her slowly dying laughter, glass of wine still in hand. "I really didn't want to get drunk alone and watch Twilight alone."
Natasha glanced at the television, where said movie was still playing, and then both women burst into another round of laughter before Nat gestured to the TV and said, "It's so much better when you're watching it drunk."
"I know! You should come back tomorrow and then we can watch New Moon and make fun of it," Summer smiled. "Oh, Jacob, you're so hot!"
Natasha wrinkled her nose and laughed with her friend. "You know, all the memes have it right. He really does look like an alpaca." She then paused and looked down at the couch cushion that she was sitting on. "Something under my butt is vibrating."
She then reached down and produced Summer's phone, the screen of which displayed five unread texts. Summer took another drink of wine, too buzzed to realize what was about to happen as Natasha opened her messages. It was nothing new - Natasha liked to be nosy and she was also fond of screwing with the settings on her friend's phones so that when they typed lol the keyboard would autocorrect it to something like I'm so horny right now. Summer had very nearly sent that very text to her boss one time before she caught it just in time and proceeded to plot revenge against her friend.
Natasha looked at the screen, raised one brow and then casually asked, "Why is Bucky saying he misses you and sending you naked pictures of himself in bed?"
Summer choked on the wine in her mouth, accidentally spat some of it out, and then started coughing up a lung as she all but threw her wine glass on the coffee table and lunged for the phone. Natasha didn't fight her for it, and with her voice hoarse from the choking and coughing, Summer exclaimed, "Naked pictures?!"
"Well, close enough."
The picture in question was already pulled up, so immediately Summer's eyes were assaulted with the sight of a shirtless and... wet? ... Bucky indeed lying in bed, giving the camera a look that was both smoldering and a little bit humorous, as if he knew that he was being kind of ridiculous but he didn't care and he was going to rock it anyway. His hair was a wet mess on his head, and if she had to guess, he'd just gone to bed after taking a shower.
She scrolled back up to read the other four texts.
My niece learned the word "frick" but it sounds like "fwick" and it made me think of you
She just walked up to me and said "fwick you Uncle Bucky" wtf is Becca teaching her
Btw I miss you
Miss me yet?
That was when he had sent the picture. Summer took a shaky breath and looked at Nat, who looked both surprised and utterly amused.
"So, when did that start?" Natasha asked.
"Um... it, uh... kind of hasn't?" Summer replied vaguely with a nervous smile. When Natasha's brows furrowed, Summer sighed, closed her eyes and said, "We're kind of... um... we're not dating, but we're um..."
"Fuck buddies?" Natasha guessed rather bluntly.
"Yeah, that's, uh... one way of putting it," Summer nodded. Natasha immediately let out a long, heavy breath and rolled her eyes like she'd never been so disappointed in Summer.
"Why in the world would you do that?" Natasha asked. "Are you crazy?"
Summer was more than a little surprised by Natasha's reaction. "... Maybe?"
Natasha sighed again and shook her head, glancing at the TV without really seeing it. Summer was utterly lost and stumped as to why she was acting like this.
Unless...
"Do you like him?" Summer asked in a small, cautious voice.
Natasha gave her a weary look and rolled her eyes. "Oh please. Are you kidding me?"
"Well, sorry, it's just... usually you'd be like 'get it, girl' or... something."
"Well, this is the first time you've told me that you decided to be friends with benefits with someone that you're in love with, and that is an amazingly bad idea, Summer."
Summer's eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets. "How did you -"
"Now you're just insulting me," Natasha sighed.
"Well, I... I figured I hid it better than that. Bucky doesn't know, so..."
"That's because he's an idiot," Natasha replied bluntly. "Was this his idea?"
"Yes, but he's not taking advantage of me or anything. I agreed to it 100%."
"You agreed to have no strings attached sex with a man you've spent what, two years pining over? Why, so that you could at least be with him like that if not the way that you actually want to?"
Summer's silence spoke volumes. She looked down at her phone, Bucky's texts still awaiting answers, and then when she looked back at Natasha, she found nothing but empathy on the other woman's face.
"You deserve better than that," Natasha stated simply.
"I know. But he doesn't like me like that. He's attracted to me, I guess, but he... I don't know. It's really confusing and I don't know what to do. I've just been going along with it and keeping it all in so I don't freak him out and make him run the other way, but..."
"Are you sure he doesn't feel the same way?"
Summer thought for a moment. "Sometimes I think maybe he might feel something... like, he'll look at me a certain way or call me something, but then it always just goes back to normal."
"I know that is this is a revolutionary idea," Natasha said dryly, "but have you considered talking to him about this?"
"He said he wanted to have sex and make it a regular thing until one of us finds someone we like enough to date," Summer shrugged. "When he says stuff like that, I don't think that telling him how I feel would end very well."
Natasha sighed and finished the rest of her wine. Summer glanced down at her phone again, still needing to answer Bucky but finding herself distracted when Natasha spoke again.
"Don't take this the wrong way," Natasha began, "but I'm not sure that you could do the friends with benefits thing. Maybe you could if it was with someone you hated but found attractive, although even then, I still don't know. You wear your heart on your sleeve, Summer, and you're probably the single most emotional person that I know. I don't mean any of this in a bad way. It's who you are and you should be proud of it. But at the same time, look at what you're doing to yourself."
"I know," Summer muttered, a lump growing in her throat just from hearing Natasha put what she already knew into words. "I'm an idiot."
"He's the bigger idiot," Natasha opined. "He knows you, too. And even if he somehow doesn't know how crazy you are about him, he still shouldn't have put you in this position."
Summer shrugged. "I don't know about that. I mean, we talked everything out first. And he's... he's so good at... everything. Like... he has seriously changed my life."
Natasha chuckled at her wording. "Well, I take it you've finally gotten to experience a few things that you were deprived of before."
With wide eyes, Summer nodded and giggled, "Oh my God, yes. I never even knew that it could be this good. At least not in real life. Maybe in books, but..."
Her phone vibrated again. She looked down and read, Well now you're just ignoring me.
Quickly, she typed out, I'm sorry. Nat's here and I didn't see my phone go off. Nice pic btw :) After pausing for a moment, she quickly added, I miss you too.
She and Natasha chatted a bit more, Nat reminding her to be careful and protect her heart as much as she could going forward before calling a cab to take her slightly tipsy self home. She agreed not to tell anyone else for the time being - or kick Bucky's ass like she clearly wanted to - and after a hug or two, Summer saw her off and then was alone again before she knew it.
After locking her door and taking care of the wine glasses so she wouldn't have to in the morning, she trudged off to her room and changed her clothes, going about her usual routine. By the time she ended up in bed and had a chance to check her phone again, she unsurprisingly had a couple of new texts waiting.
Yeah thought you'd like that :) What are you doing now?
Burrowing deeper into her covers, she replied, Laying in bed, same as you.
His reply came almost instantly. Pic? He added an emoji with raised eyebrows for emphasis.
She blushed and cringed to herself. Nooooo I look gross :(
Oh come on. Just one?
She was about to type a very whiny refusal when he sent her another picture himself. This time he was sitting up in bed, still shirtless, hair still a mess, and he was looking at the camera with his eyebrows scrunched up adorably and his bottom lip sticking out in an exaggerated and equally adorable pout. Her mouth fell open immediately as she stared at the picture, and she knew then and there that she couldn't say no.
If only he knew the power that he had over her.
She sat up and set her phone down, taking her hair out of the haphazard ponytail she had thrown it in and shaking it out a little. Then she used her camera on the phone as a mirror, positioning her hair the way that she wanted and fixing her tank top to make sure everything was contained. Once she was as satisfied as she was going to get, she then held up the phone to take the picture and get it over with. As a last minute touch that made her feel slightly... well, kind of silly, she pulled down one strap of her top so that it was dangling off her shoulder, and then she gave a little smile and snapped the picture before she lost her nerve entirely.
Normally, she'd take about twenty pictures and find only about two among them that she could stand to look at, but in this case she took only two and ended up sending the first and deleting the second. She sent it with the added text of because you asked so nicely, and then she settled back down under the covers to wait for his response.
When his text popped up, it warmed her heart more than she knew it should have. Well hey there gorgeous. Another few seconds passed and then he added, Don't think I missed that off the shoulder strap thing you did.
Don't think I missed that shirtless thing you did, she shot back.
What? This is how I sleep.
She chuckled and shook her head to herself. Right, you're innocent.
Always.
She shifted on her side in bed, setting up the phone against the pillow on the other side of the bed that Bucky sometimes slept on. She let out a deep breath, her leftover buzz from the wine making her sleepy and close her eyes for just a moment while she waited to see if he had anything else to say.
Then the phone buzzed and her eyes popped open. She slid her finger across the screen to unlock it and then read his latest text.
I shouldn't have asked for that pic.
She furrowed her brows, quickly typing, Why? The little bubble popped up right away indicating that he was typing, and she watched it until the bubble disappeared and his text appeared in its place.
Because now I'm picturing you sitting on top of me and slowly taking off that tank top.
She made a small squeaking noise and covered her eyes with one hand as she briefly dropped the phone screen-first to the bed, as if it could hide what he'd just said.
She felt it vibrate again, and when she pulled it up to peek at the screen, she read, Not wearing a bra under there, are you?
Face bright red, she quickly typed a nope followed by a blushing emoji, hitting send right away. His own little typing bubble immediately popped up, and she had no doubt that she had his full attention right now.
Have I mentioned how amazing your breasts are?
She groaned and dropped her head back on her pillow. Damn it. She knew where this was going, and this was yet another thing she'd never done with anyone before, unless she counted one time she tried online dating and was sent more dick pics than one woman should ever be subjected to in one lifetime. And she did not count that.
You have, she replied, and I'm not sending you a pic of them just fyi.
His next text made her giggle. Aw :(
But just as she was typing again, he added, Just kidding. I wouldn't ask for that. Although if you offered...
A new photo then popped up on her screen, and it was a closer shot of his face. He was smiling exaggeratedly widely and giving the thumbs up with his free hand. She promptly dropped the phone and burst into a new fit of giggles.
It wasn't enough that he was caring and sweet and smart and the best lover she'd ever encountered. No, the bastard had to go and be funny too.
After sending about ten laughing and crying emojis, Summer typed out, Answer's still no, but you almost made me think twice there for a minute.
It's all right. I don't need pics. I remember what they look and feel like just fine...
She groaned again. You and your boob obsession.
Would you rather I talk about other parts of you? He asked next, and she bit her lip as he quickly sent another message. I was trying to be tame, but if you want me to get dirty...
This was you trying to be tame? Oh my gosh, she giggled.
Oh I can get so much dirtier, he replied. Say the word and I'll really make this happen.
She didn't know what it was, maybe the leftover alcohol or the slight adrenaline rush that came with being in this situation to begin with, but she had a sudden idea and she felt just reckless enough to do it. She sat up, fixing her tank top again and pulling it down a little lower than where it would naturally sit. She couldn't believe that she was actually doing this, but she thought that about a lot of things lately, so she bit the bullet and leaned forward just enough to show a glimpse of cleavage - enough to show off a little while still being a tease - and then because she was embarrassed, she put her free hand over her face and peeked through her fingers at the camera as she took the picture.
She sent it before she could talk herself out of it, along with the words make it happen?
It was either gutsiest or stupidest thing she had done in awhile. When he didn't answer right away, she started to get nervous, and then when five full minutes passed with not even a word from him, she was about one more minute away from pouring a can of gasoline over herself.
Luckily, however, before she could set herself on fire, her phone buzzed again. This time it was an incoming call from Bucky.
Well crap.
She pressed the phone to her ear and shyly muttered, "Hello?"
"You're one hell of a dirty fucking tease, you know that?"
As soon as she heard the low, clearly aroused tone of his voice, she sunk down into the pillows and let a blissful smile curl across her face. "You started it."
"No, you started it. You got several things started. Including me."
"Oh," she grinned, blushing brightly. "Really? All I did was show just a little tiny bit of cleavage."
"Yeah, with your hair all messed up and that shy little look on your face," he retorted. "You're trying to torture me."
"Just returning the favor," she smiled against her phone. "You and your pictures and supposedly tame texts..."
"Those were tame," he replied. "Like I said, I can make it dirty if you want me to."
"You keep saying that, but you're all talk and no action," she teased. "I'm not sure I believe you."
He growled. Actually growled. "You're gonna question me, after everything I've done to you? You should know by now that when I say it I mean it."
"Hey, relax," she chuckled. "You sound all mad, like you're about to... I don't know..."
"Punish you?" he guessed. A shiver shot down her spine as soon at the words left his mouth. "Because maybe that's what I would do if I was there. Tie your wrists to the bed and tease the fuck out of you until you were begging me to let you come."
She was reeling. He had gone from teasing to filthy in about zero to five seconds. "I... um..."
"You'd like that though, wouldn't you? I bet you'd love every minute of it," he mused, voice low in her ear and full of what she hoped were promise for the future. "I'd spank you and you'd moan and ask me for more, wouldn't you?"
Holy crap. "Bucky, my God..."
"You don't know what to say because you've never tried anything like that before," he said, "but I can tell from the way your breathing sounds that you're getting all hot just from hearing me talk about it."
She swallowed hard and tried not to stutter. "Yeah... yeah."
He groaned softly and then murmured, "Fuck. Wish I was there with you right now."
"Yeah, you, um... you sound like you might need a hand," she said with a small smile.
"Wanna give me one? 'Cause I swear it won't take me long between the sound of your voice and the things I'm imagining doing to you right now."
She felt like she might explode and die. "Oh God, I don't know if I can... I've never -"
"I know you haven't, I know," he said understandingly. "Believe it or not, neither have I."
"... Really?"
"Really. So I'm up for a... learning experience if you are."
She giggled faintly and felt her ears burning as her blush spread to them. She was embarrassed, yes, but she was also unbearably horny and worked up from his texts and now his very imaginative dirty talk, and she had just enough of a leftover buzz to push her in the right direction. "Okay."
"Really?"
She chuckled. "Yup. Let's do it."
He chuckled back, the low rumble of his voice sounding like velvet in her ear. "All right. I'm gonna make this good for you, sweetheart, don't worry. You won't regret it."
She closed her eyes, relishing the way it felt whenever he called her sweetheart, even if it was only in sexual situations like these. She'd take what she could get and savor it. "Okay."
"All right. Close your eyes and just... pretend I'm there. I want you to focus on my voice and imagine everything I say. Can you do that?"
"Yes sir," she replied teasingly.
He moaned a little in response, and the sound made her weak in the knees. "Oh, fuck, baby. Keep calling me that."
"Yes sir," she repeated with a faint giggle, and she knew right then that this would be a night to remember.
She was right. Then again, every night spent with him was one to remember, and that was what made the idea of having forget them and leave them in the past someday so inconceivably painful.
When Bucky came back home, life went back to the bizarre and decidedly abnormal normal that Summer had gotten used to. She never worked up the courage to confess her feelings to him, and he continued to treat her the same way that he always had.
Three months into their relationship, Summer organized a benefit at her place of employment in partnership with a charity organization that focused on military veterans and their post-war health. She was able to invite her circle of friends to the benefit, and they all showed up to support her, including Bucky.
He showed up in a black suit and black tie, hair slicked back on his head and all smiles when he gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek to congratulate her for her stellar work. He also told her that she was beautiful in her dark blue silk evening gown and matching jewelry that was actually on loan from Peggy, and she beamed at him as she thanked him, feeling like she was on top of the world. He looked so very proud of her, and she was proud of herself as well.
The event went off without a hitch, and a staggering amount of money was raised for vets that might. Summer didn't think that anything could possibly ruin her night, but as always, she could count on the universe to never fail to prove her wrong.
She happened to be walking past the bar when she caught a glimpse of Bucky striking up a conversation with a pretty blonde in a red cocktail dress. From the looks of things, he had even bought her a drink, and they were sharing a laugh when Summer walked by.
She knew the girl. Her name was Anna and she worked in accounting. She was nice and very pretty. Nobody ever had a bad word to say about her, and that made it even worse because Summer couldn't even properly hate her or selfishly warn Bucky to keep his distance.
Summer realized she was staring when Anna said something that made Bucky really laugh, the sort of laugh where he crinkled his nose a little and closed his eyes, and it hurt because that was one of his most genuine ones.
She forced herself to turn and walk away, doing her best to ignore the sensation of what felt like a dull knife jamming straight into her heart. The pain pulsed with every step she took, jealousy and anger and sadness making her want to cry in the middle of what was supposed to be one of her best days.
I can't do this anymore, she thought to herself, and she made up her mind - she was finally going to have that talk with Bucky later that night. She was going to lay all of her cards on the table because she couldn't put herself through this anymore, and she couldn't bear to lose him to some girl that he met at her own benefit. In fact, she couldn't bear to lose him to anyone.
But later, however, when the party was over and Bucky found her again, asking her if she wanted him to escort her home, she realized how severely she had overreacted to the whole thing. After some casual questioning, he told her that yeah, he'd had a drink with Anna but that had been the extent of it. She'd seemed to like him but he wasn't particularly interested in her, so they parted ways with polite goodbyes and not even phone numbers exchanged, and that had been it.
She was both instantly relieved and instantly disappointed, because she lost her nerve for "the talk" the minute the words left his mouth. She simply smiled and then made a bit more small talk before accepting his offer to take her home, all the while mentally punching herself in the face. She was, as always, her own worst enemy.
Bucky took her home that night and almost made her forget what she had been so upset about in the first place. She could not, however, shake the sense of an inevitable and miserable separation looming somewhere in the future. She knew that it would happen, and yet instead of doing something about it or voicing even a fraction of the thoughts swirling through her head, she closed her eyes and imagined that when he held her close and moaned roughly and loudly against her ear as he fell apart, that maybe, just maybe, deep down, he felt at least something of what she felt for him.
Natasha was right. She deserved better. But she knew that she wasn't gonna do a thing to change it. She would see this thing through to the bitter, miserable end.
From the day that Bucky had met Summer, he knew that she was something special. There were very few things in life that he was sure of, but he knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt.
She had burst into his studio three years earlier with a crumpled up newspaper ad in hand and a declaration of "I got mugged yesterday and I need to learn how to defend myself because this is the worst city ever and I can't believe that I moved here." He had looked her over, about 5'8 inches of freaked out 20-something brunette with blue eyes that were as determined as they were angry and scared, and he had replied with, "Getting mugged's a rite of passage. Welcome to New York." After she stared at him incredulously, he pointed to a clock on the wall and said, "Have a seat. Next class starts at one."
He hadn't expected her to become one of his best friends, but he had long ago learned to expect the unexpected when it came to life. It was just so rare to have received something good among life's usually much less pleasant surprises.
For all of Bucky's charm, wit, and seemingly easy smiles, there was a lot of darkness hidden beneath that lighthearted exterior. He had been told during his nearly five year stint in therapy upon his return from Iraq some time ago that he used humor and his outgoing nature as a coping mechanism, and while that was certainly better than heavy drinking or bed-hopping - though he'd done his fair share of those things too - it didn't come without downsides.
In general, he found that he was either on one end of the emotional spectrum or the other, and there wasn't a lot of in between. Either he felt good enough to get up, get out of his apartment and go to work, maybe hang out with Steve or the others after and have a good time and laugh and be his usual self, or he could barely find the will to get out bed and he spent most of the day trying to quiet the demons in his head when they would try to mount a comeback and drag him back to hell. It was this struggle that built the foundation of one of his most self-destructive beliefs: that he was just too damaged and messed up to be truly loved.
Steve loved him, sure, but he was different. He was a brother in all but blood, so that put him in the same category as Rebecca. The others, Peggy, Natasha, and a handful of others, they cared for him too, and the same was true of Summer. She was so sweet and giving, and once upon a time, back when he had still been just getting to know her, he wondered if maybe their connection was more romantic than platonic. She was gorgeous to be sure and just his type, and she made him laugh the way very few others could. The idea made perfect sense, and yet nothing ever came of it.
There were several reasons as to why. Summer, while she was an orphan who had not lived a particularly easy life, was still nowhere near the damaged goods that Bucky considered himself as being. He thought of her as far more pure and innocent than anyone else in his life, and the thought of defiling that or asking her to take on his baggage the way that she would have to in a real romantic relationship... he simply couldn't do it to her and would not ask it of her.
And so, early on, he had bottled up any potential feelings that might have existed and he forced himself to view Summer in a strictly platonic light. It was fine because she seemed to feel the same way about him, and she never said a word that made him think otherwise. It was best that way for both of them, and he never had a reason to doubt that. Sure, it made things a little awkward when he'd see her in some great dress or she'd do or say something that made his blood run a little hotter, but he couldn't help that he was attracted to her. He could, however, pretend that he wasn't and completely ignore the occasional desires to kiss her or bury his face in her hair and let its scent overwhelm him.
So that was what he did, and after awhile he started to believe his own lie. He had other lovers - well, mostly one night stands - and she had boyfriends, and they were there for each other in every way that extremely close friends could be. She was one of the highlights of his days, always so upbeat and silly and uniquely able to get his mind off of whatever was plaguing it. It was why she was who he called in the middle of the night when the nightmares were too much, and it was why her door was the one that he showed up to when he was drunk and didn't want to go home to his empty apartment.
But that was also why he knew that she'd never love him in that way. She had seen him both high and scarily low, taken care of him when he had bad nights and simply wasn't there, so she knew better than anyone how fucked up he was. With her, he couldn't lie or pretend to be someone who had his life together, like he could with the girls he picked up and brought home, at least until he took his shirt off and they saw the horror that was his left arm.
He'd never find his own Peggy, that much he was sure of. He was happy for Steve, of course, but sometimes he wondered how Steve could make coming home and getting better and moving on look so damn easy when they both knew it wasn't. Steve still had his own demons to deal with from the war, and yet Bucky couldn't help but feel different, like the war had a grip on him that wouldn't let go no matter how many years passed.
But that was his life now. He had no choice but to keep getting up every morning and smile and laugh his way through each day in the hopes that one day, doing so would come naturally and not be such a struggle. Without his friends, he didn't think that he would have been able to do it at all. He owed them all so very much that he knew he'd never be able to truly repay.
Summer, though, she was something. Even when he'd gone and screwed with the natural order of things by suggesting they give the friends with benefits thing a shot, she didn't run away or tell him he was crazy but instead rose to the challenge like the brave soul that she was. He couldn't have been happier with the turn their relationship took, because it allowed him to luxury of comfort and familiarity and trust in a lover without the romantic entanglement that would usually come with such a thing. Instead it was perfect and evenly balanced, no expectations or complications, and it also happened to be possibly the best sex he'd had in his life.
They were both free to end the arrangement and move on whenever they wanted to, but four months in, they were still going at it and he didn't have any desire to change that. Not only did he greatly enjoy her company and her friendship, but she had gotten to know his body so well over those four months and she knew exactly what he liked, where he was sensitive, and what would make him get so loud that he'd probably wake the neighbors. He hadn't stuck with one girl long enough for them to learn those things in a long time, but Summer... she made an art of it. And he was all but addicted to her.
Then one day, it finally all caught up with him. The denial and the self-doubt and the partial sheer idiocy his thought process made for a ticking time bomb, and when he least expected it, it went off in his face.
At 4:32 AM on an otherwise normal Thursday morning, Bucky's eyes shot open and he awoke with a ragged, painful-sounding gasp. He didn't shoot up in bed or immediately recognize that he was safe and that this was his own room in his own apartment. Instead, he laid there in the center of his bed, staring up at the ceiling with his body drenched in a cold sweat, his eyes slowly growing less wide and less scared as the dream slowly faded away and reality replaced it.
His heart was racing, pounding against his chest, and his breathing was uneven and slightly labored. He closed his eyes and cursed at himself for the thousandth time, swallowing down a lump in his throat and wondering when this would finally end. All these years later and all it took was a dream to put him right back there, right in the middle of hell, and there was nothing he could do about it.
There was never any going back to sleep after a nightmare like that. Instead, after his heartbeat had calmed some and he had laid there long enough to fully return to himself, he got up and dragged himself into his tiny kitchen and started making coffee, resigned to being awake and alone for the rest of the very early morning.
It was going to be one of his bad days. He could always tell right away whenever it was time for one of those.
He didn't have work that day but everyone else he knew did, so he was on his own. He didn't leave his apartment the entire day, even though the food in his fridge was scarce and fresh air may have worked wonders for his state of mind. Instead, he sat around and stewed in his own thoughts, trying to distract himself with TV and whatever books he had laying around, but it was a losing battle. It was just one of those days.
Around five in the evening, his phone dinging woke him up from a nap he'd accidentally taken on his couch. He blinked and squinted at the screen, finding a text from Summer asking him if he wanted to go out for a drink around 8 with her and Natasha. Being in no mood to go anywhere or do anything, he declined with as little explanation as possible. But as it turned out, Summer knew him well enough to read between the lines of his day-long silence and uncharacteristically short reply to her question.
He managed to drag himself off the couch to take a shower and change clothes afterwards, but he didn't bother to order dinner or even think about the fact that he really needed to eat something at some point. He wasn't hungry and he didn't care, so when he ended up back on the couch half-watching whatever barely interesting thing was on ESPN, he planned on staying there the whole night until he passed out and hopefully slept through the night this time. Maybe he'd get smashed along the way to help aid the sleeping process.
Then, when he heard a knock on the door right at 8 o'clock exactly, he looked at the door in confusion before making himself get up and answer it. When he opened the door and saw who was on the other side, he smiled for the first time all day.
"So," Summer chirped cheerfully, carrying her giant purse on one arm and a plastic bag on the other, "I brought food and I brought movies. I also brought you the disgusting beer you like and it's in my purse and making it really heavy."
"I thought you were going out," he said, smile stuck on his face as he immediately reached out to take both the food and her purse for her, then stepping aside to let her in.
"Yeah, well, I know you well enough to be able to tell when you're having a bad day," she said, closing the door behind her once she was inside. "I also know that you tend not to feed yourself very well when you're having one, so here I am."
Setting the bags down in front of his couch, he shook his head and continued to look at her like she was the most incredible thing he'd ever seen. "You're amazing, you know that?"
She shrugged, stepping out of her shoes and making her way to her usual side of the couch while smiling back at him. "I try."
He chuckled as she settled down on the couch, still in her work clothes and looking far better than he did in his worn out t-shirt and old sweatpants that had survived almost as much as Bucky himself had. Her nearly jet-black hair was down and she wore a pretty floral blouse buttoned to her collarbone, and black dress pants that were thinner than they looked and that fit her quite well. He felt like a slob compared to her, but he always kind of felt that way, more or less.
After setting out the food and the beer on the sad excuse for a coffee table that Bucky tried to decently clean off first, Summer grabbed her purse and produced the two movies that she'd brought.
"So... we have Silver Linings Playbook and, if you don't feel like watching two crazy people fall in love, I also brought The Hangover." She then paused and shrugged, "I like Bradley Cooper. Don't judge me."
He chuckled. "You pick. Either one's fine with me."
"Oh, then it's definitely the first one," she said, hopping up to put the movie in.
What followed was several hours that were like the mental equivalent of homemade chicken soup during a horrendous cold. Sitting back with Summer and laughing with her while eating, drinking, and watching a movie couldn't heal him or make his problems go away, but it was a balm that made getting through it significantly easier. He didn't think about his nightmares or the memories that caused them when he looked at her or laughed at one of her silly jokes, and he didn't feel quite as broken when he'd say something that made her laugh until she snorted a little and got embarrassed. She just... made him feel better. Like a person and not a thing that was just surviving rather than really living.
When the food was gone and they'd inadvertently talked their way through most of the movie, which Bucky had to admit was pretty good, it felt like the most natural thing in the world to put his arm around her and pull her against his side and finish the movie curled up together. She was more than happy to lay her head against his shoulder, not budging from her place under his arm until the movie was over and the credits were rolling.
She lifted her head and smiled at him. "So, like it?"
"Yeah," he replied with a nod, eyes still on the TV. "It was good. Not as cheesy as I expected."
"As if I'd ever subject you to a cheesy romantic comedy," Summer scoffed. "You must not know me at all."
He scoffed right back, turning his eyes to her and retorting, "Oh I think I know you very very well by now."
"Then you should have more faith in me than that," she grinned. "So, wanna watch the other movie?"
"Yeah, guess so," he nodded, and then he moved his arm so that she could get up and switch out the DVDs. He watched her all the while, laughing when she almost tripped over a cord on the floor and laughing even more when she glared at him for it.
By the time she made her way back to the couch and had the DVD player remote in her hand, Bucky had already lost interest in watching another movie. When she aimed the remote at the TV, he reached out and took it from her and hit the power button before tossing it on the floor somewhere. She looked at him questioningly, but only until she saw the intent in his eyes. He cupped the side of her face and leaned in close, softly pressing his lips to hers and feeling the way that she lost her breath at he touch.
She always did that. Even after four months of doing this on a weekly, sometimes nightly basis, she always made this breathless, shivery noise whenever he would first kiss her. It was like he took her by surprise every time, and he couldn't make sense of it. They'd both grown so used to being this close and doing what they did, and yet she had that same reaction every time, as if each kiss was the first one all over again.
He pulled away after that initial kiss, short as it was, and watched as her eyes fluttered open and a little smile crossed her face. "Change your mind?"
"Got distracted," he replied with his own tiny grin before leaning in and kissing her again. She didn't lose her breath this time, instead kissing him back and slowly bringing her hand to his chest as she scooted a little closer to him.
"Sorry," she mumbled against his mouth.
"Don't be," he mumbled back a bit gruffly before sliding his hand into her hair and using it to angle her head so that he could kiss her more deeply. She followed his lead, parting her lips for him and letting out a quiet, low moan when he slid his tongue against hers. The sound and the feel of it sent an electric jolt down his spine, and as the kiss grew hungrier, so did they.
He let himself get lost in her. In fact, they did something that they had never done together before, which was to sit there tangled up with each other and simply kiss the minutes away. Normally they would have undressed the other and stumbled off to bed within the first five minutes, but this time they stayed right where they were and simply... felt.
He hadn't made out with a girl like this since... well, how long had it been? He couldn't remember a single time since high school, nor could he remember a time that he felt so satisfied just from kissing. The heat was there, the desire for more burning under his skin, but for once he wasn't focused on that. He focused instead on the warmth of her mouth and the way that her breath would hitch when he'd nip her lower lip or give her lips a break so he could kiss down her neck. She twisted her fingers in his hair, tugging gently when he'd suck on a particular spot under her ear and flick over it with his tongue. She pulled him back up then and kissed him harder than before, but they still didn't go further, not yet.
It was easy, it was simple, and it was so good that he didn't realize in the moment how much time they passed like that. He was so lost that by the time Summer was the one who needed more, he was almost caught off guard by the way that she broke the kiss and looked him in the eye as she shifted, moving her leg over both of his and then settling down so that she straddled his lap. He stared at her in a heated daze, lifting his arms when she reached down to the bottom of his shirt and pulled it off of him, throwing it over the back of the couch before kissing him again.
Summer pressed herself against him, grinding her hips down slowly against his and making him the breathless one. His hands clutching her hips, they kissed with all open-mouthed lust and occasional soft groans that made the other need more. She rocked her hips down in a slow, steady rhythm, and the barriers between them were thin enough that they could both feel every push and every drag just enough to make it satisfying.
While she rocked, he pressed his lips to the base of her throat and began undoing the buttons on her blouse, fingers shakier than he expected them to be. Once they were all undone, he hurriedly pushed the fabric aside and then watched as she shrugged out of it and let it fall to the floor behind her. Before he could claw at her bra to get it off, she reached behind her back and undid the clasp for him, knowing full well what he wanted. Once it joined her blouse on the floor, he pulled her closer with a low and needy grown, mouthing immediately at the tops of her breasts and slowly, thoroughly working his way down.
Both of them topless and moving together in an effortless and languid but steadily quickening rhythm, the pressure built and the tension grew until Summer had to grab the back of the couch with both hands for balance. Her hips rolled and her back arched, her head falling back for a moment before he pulled her back down for a long and desperate kiss. She moaned against his mouth, her rhythm starting to get erratic, and his hands moved her hips for her as they both began to near the same end.
Panting against each other's lips, Bucky opened his eyes and looked up at her, his next words tumbling out of his mouth before he could think twice. "Look at me, sweetheart."
Her eyes opened immediately, and when her gaze met his, he felt... something. He didn't know what it was and couldn't even think about it at that moment, but whatever it was, it brought a dull ache to his chest as he leaned his forehead against hers. One of her hands went to the back of his head, threading through his hair that was a mess and falling into his face as he kissed her one more time. Then she was falling apart, body trembling and mouth falling open as she gasped through the pleasure wracking through her.
He watched her in a state of awe, unbeknownst to her, and though it was something that he had seen many times before... he found that he just couldn't take his eyes off of her. He watched her all the way to the end, which was when one last shudder of her hips against his set him off and, unlike her nearly silent end, had him making a sound that surprised himself with how loud and beyond his control it was. His arms wrapped around her and crushed her against him, his head dropping down to her chest as he gave in and relished the moment while it lasted.
When it was over, he didn't let her go. He kept her right where she was, breathing hard against her skin as his heart slowly calmed down from its previous wild beating. He realized after his mind returned to him that his ear was pressed to her heartbeat, and he kept his eyes closed as he listened to the lulling, comforting flutter.
She ran her fingers through his hair, kissing the top of his head here and there, making no effort to separate herself from him. She cradled him close to her, and when he realized after a few more moments that he still didn't want to let her go, that strange dull ache in his chest returned.
What they'd just done, he hadn't bothered to do since he was a horny teenager with a shy girlfriend and few other options. And yet it had been so good, the end shockingly intense, and it took him a moment to understand what it was that had made it so different.
It hit him like a hard kick to the chest. It was different because it was with her. Everything was because of her.
His eyes opened as realization finally broke through self-built steel walls of denial and self-loathing to at last dawn on him. It was so obvious and had been for so long if he had only opened his eyes to what had been right in front of him all along.
He loved her. He was in love with her. There was no stopping it or going back, because he had fallen hard while he had been busy thinking that he wasn't even capable of loving anyone like that again.
He turned his head, nuzzling her chest and leaning his forehead against it as he shut his eyes and let the full reality of it all wash over him.
He loved her so, so much.
He swallowed down a sudden lump in his throat and let out a rough exhale against her skin.
Fuck.