Bonnie sat on the ornate carpet staring at the tiny child giggling up at her between her legs. The baby seemed to be in a good mood (for now) and they'd discovered after feeding Mary for the first time that when she was well fed, she wouldn't try to feed on Bonnie. Instead, she pulled at Bonnie's hand and gummed her fingers. Bonnie stared down in disbelief, unsure if she was more worried about get baby vamp bitten again or that said baby vamp was drooling all over her hand.
Damon walked around the couch after pouring himself a fresh glass of bourbon with a look of disgust on his face. "Gross," he said, flopping down on the couch.
"You drink blood," Bonnie pointed out, trying to wrestle her arm from the baby.
"Yeah," he shrugged, "but I don't drool."
Before Bonnie could whip out a snarky remark about some of the classy – with a K – women she's seen him ogle in the past, her phone began to buzz softly into the couch. Damon grabbed it, looked up to say a silent thank you, and tossed it over just missing the baby's head. They stared wide eyed at the phone buzzing, barely in Bonnie's grasp above Mary's head, and wordlessly agreed they wouldn't tell anyone they almost let an infant get beaned by a brand new smartphone.
"Hey Caroline," Bonnie answered shakily on speakerphone.
"What happened to it?" Caroline asked, as if she knew exactly what had just happened.
"Everybody's fine," she said in an attempt at reassuring all parties involved, "a game of peek-a-boo got a little too intense for Damon." Damon rolled his eyes.
The pause before Caroline's response told them she didn't believe a word Bonnie said. "Look we got all ten thousand of your messages and we're at the airport now trying to get the quickest flight home," she said.
Bonnie and Damon shared a relieved glance. "Sorry to ruin your honeymoon Care," Bonnie apologized, but was certain the newlyweds would make it back to Tahiti sometime in their eternal happily ever after.
"It's fine Bonnie, we have all the time in the world to go on vacation," Caroline brushed off, "and like we'd ever leave you and Damon alone with a baby! Can you imagine?" Bonnie and Damon knew they were supposed to be in on the joke, and Caroline fully expected them to laugh with her (and Stefan, who they heard chuckling in the background), but the air in the room immediately changed. Damon sat forward on the couch, suddenly invested in the conversation.
"Are you saying that we, two grown adults, can't take care of one baby?" Bonnie asked defensively.
"No Bonnie, of course that's not what-" Caroline paused, "you know what, yes. Yes! That is exactly what I'm saying. Bonnie, do you remember that one time you looked after Liz for two hours? You hated it, and couldn't wait to hand her back to Ric. And Damon is, well he's Damon. You two are not equipped for long term child care! And frankly I am very concerned about the welfare of this baby!"
They knew Caroline wasn't wrong. They knew they should let her and Stefan come home and figure out what to do with the baby. They knew they had a very limited knowledge of infants between the two of them.
But they also absolutely hated when they were told they couldn't do something.
"Don't bother with the flight home, Sister-in-Law," Damon piped up.
"Wait, Damon-" Caroline tried to interject.
"Yeah, we can handle this. Go back to the beach, drink a brightly coloured cocktail, and relax. We've got this," Bonnie said firmly. Damon nodded in solidarity. Mary let out a happy squawk.
"Bonnie, I-"
"See you lovebirds in a few months," Damon waltzed over to Bonnie holding the phone and pressed the 'End Call' button. The pair looked at Mary uneasily.
"It's a baby," he shrugged. "How hard can this be?"
An hour in the door bell rang. Mary had been almost dropped approximately 3 (and a half) times, bitten Bonnie about 6 times, and lost track of twice (so far) (she was under the Salvatore bar cart – Damon's opinion of her instantly skyrocketed).
He was holding Mary facing outwards, circling his arm under her armpits with her legs happily kicking and dangling freely when he opened the door.
"I don't know what I was expecting, but it definitely was not that," Matt said, concern plastered all over his face. He stood on the boarding house's doorstep, a box of diapers under one arm and hands full of plastic bags. "I heard from a very distressed Caroline," he gestured to the contents of the bags.
"Clearly," Damon stepped aside to let him in the door. Mary kicked and giggled when Matt bent down to make faces at her. "Come on Supernanny, let's see what you've brought us," he said, leading him into the living room where Bonnie was finishing up putting on another bandaid where Mary got her.
"I got emailed a very detailed list of necessities from Tahiti," he set the bags down on the couch.
"Wait, why didn't Caroline just send me the list?" Bonnie asked, digging through them.
"She was pretty adamant that you've completely lost your mind," Matt eyed the many bandaids and tiny bite marks covering Bonnie's arms, and clearly agreed. Bonnie crossed her arms defensively.
"Right, so we've got some clothes, diapers, wipes, change pad, bottles," he said pulling out items faster than Damon could keep track, "bottle warmer, these soothers might help with the biting, Bon. Uh, I brought my cousin's kid's Baby Bjorn-"
"Baby what?" Damon interrupted.
Matt held his laughter and explained, "You put in on and strap the baby in – it lets you carry the baby no hands."
Bonnie picked it up and tried to make heads or tails of how to even put it together. Seemed too complicated – how hard could it be to just carry the baby around?
"It's upside down," Matt pointed out and flipped it over in her hands. "Stefan wanted me to remind you about some basinet stored in the basement," he said to Damon.
"I have a shift soon so I can't help figure sleeping schedules, but I can help teach you how to change a diaper before I have to go," Matt offered. Before getting his job at The Grill Matt was Mystic Falls resident babysitter alongside Caroline.
"Nah, Bon Bon's on diaper duty," Damon said, waving him out.
"Hold up," Bonnie objected, "This is your brother's doorstop baby. You deal with the diapers."
Matt didn't hide his mild exasperation well. "Look I have to go, I'd say you'll figure it out but…I'll check in after I'm done work," he shook his head. Bonnie assured him they would be fine and unloaded the rest of the items he brought while Damon shooed him out the door.
"Okay we're doing this together," Bonnie pulled the changing pad out and laid it on the floor. "Pass me the kid," she said. She laid Mary down on the pad in front of her. Mary chewed on her own hand and giggled.
"Diaper," she instructed, holding out her hand. Damon pulled open the packaging roughly and examined one of them. "Which one's the front," he frowned at it.
Bonnie grabbed it from him and flipped it over in her hand. "Elmo's the front," she finally surmised. Damon handed her the box of wipes and hovered over her shoulders.
Mary wiggled on the floor uncomfortably and gurgled unhappily as Bonnie tried to undo her onesie. She removed the wet diaper with difficulty and tossed it to Damon.
"Ew!" he yelped, caught off guard, tossing it into the fireplace on reflex.
Bonnie pulled the tabs around Mary's belly tightly. "There," she smiled in triumph, pulling the baby up on her feet.
"Looking good pantless wonder," Damon said to her with a grin.
Mary held onto Bonnie's fingers and bounced, smiling widely at her new caretakers. On instinct, Bonnie scooped her up in her arms and gently pressed her forehead to the baby's, who in turn placed her tiny hands on either side of Bonnie's head.
"We got this don't we kiddo," she whispered and Mary laughed brightly in response. Damon and Bonnie exchanged satisfied smiles. Temporary Parenting Guardian Obstacle #1 down.
Suck it Caroline.