A/N: Aaaaaand here is the final chapter :D Thank you guys so, so much for your reviews and follows and favorites, it means the world to me and I just want to hug all of you :D my main story Life After Death just hit 1k reviews, which is the event that I wrote this thing to celebrate with, so woo hoo! *pops open champagne bottle* I hope you all enjoy the conclusion, and I look forward to hearing from you guys! I LOVE YOU and I love midnightwings96, who also just updated Ruin recently, so if you're a reader of that, go have a looksie :D thank you guys again!
For the next month, even though Summer and Bucky were both finally on the same page and fully aware of how stupidly they were in love with each other, neither of them said a single word about it. They continued on as before, both too scared to say anything about how they felt, and thus began a truly epic exercise in miscommunication.
Bucky, suddenly hyperaware of every move he made around her, cut back on the pet names he used in the heat of the moment and mostly stuck to just using her name. It suddenly felt too intimate to call her by such names when they weren't actually "together", and since she had given no clear indication that she wanted that, he trained his mouth to stick to more neutral terms. Summer, of course, noticed the change immediately and obsessed over it, convincing herself that it signaled a step back on his part.
Bucky also began to act a bit more strangely outside of the bedroom. Where they had always been casual and comfortable with each other during the day and around others, he seemed wary of being too touchy and even dropped his dangerous habits of kissing her when nobody was looking or things like teasing her under tables. She took this as another bad sign, but since she didn't say a word about it, Bucky assumed that she was fine with the change and likely even wanted it, because maybe he'd been being a jerk before by doing those things to her.
The last straw, however, came on the dreaded and dubious "holiday" of Valentine's Day. When Bucky told her that he would have gotten her something had Hallmark made cards for friends who had sex on the side, Summer joked that he should have just gotten her a regular card since they were basically a couple these days anyway. The resulting panic in his eyes and incredibly awkward lack of a response told her all she needed to know, or at least that was what she assumed. And he didn't set her straight.
Then, not long after that, she met someone. Stark Industries was holding a joint event with one of the other bigshot giant corporations in town, and that meant joint planning with their event planner, who turned out to be tall, charming, and disgustingly good looking. His name was Jack, and she met him for lunch one day after spending a week talking on the phone and through emails - all work related, of course. And they hit it off so well that by the next day, he asked her on a real date in a charmingly worded email.
She turned him down, saying that she was busy. It wasn't a total lie, but it wasn't exactly the truth either.
He was persistent, however, and not in a creepy or unwanted way but a charming and adorable way. He asked her out again a couple weeks later, during one of their lunch meetings, and they got along so well that she didn't outright say no but instead told him she'd look at her schedule and get back to him.
And by "look at her schedule" she meant freak out to Natasha and obsess over the issue until she nearly gave herself an ulcer.
But really, why should she say no? Bucky had been steadily pulling away from her and she wasn't sure how much more pain she could handle before she lost her mind. She had already been hurt so many times since they started sleeping together, never on purpose but still hurt nonetheless, and Natasha told her the same thing that her brain was telling her - that maybe it was time to move on.
Natasha also pointed out that if Bucky did have deeper feelings for her than he let on, the date would be a perfect test of that. All Summer had to do was mention that a great guy she'd met had asked her out on a date and that she was considering saying yes, and Bucky's reaction would say everything. If he acted jealous or asked her not to go, then just maybe he did feel the same way. But if he seemed indifferent and encouraged her to go, then it would perhaps serve as confirmation that it was indeed time to let him go.
Loathe as she was to admit it, Summer knew that Nat was right. Despite her heart screaming no at the very idea, she listened to logic and planned "the question" for the next night that she and Bucky were set to see each other. In the meantime, she rehearsed her question and obsessed over the matter until she was blue in the face. Anxiety could be a real bitch sometimes.
When the night finally came, she made sure that she was as well-prepared as she could possibly be. She headed over to Bucky's place like they had planned the previous day, and once she got there, she acted like all was well and nothing at all was off, treating him to a five star dinner of pizza and beer on his couch before she began mentally kicking herself to just get it over with.
"So, um," she began as Bucky looked away from the TV and towards her, unaware of what she was about to drop on him, "I kind of... uh..."
He raised his eyebrows and smiled. "... Yeah?"
"I might... have gotten asked on a date by this... really great guy."
His smile froze on his face, and in fact his entire face froze as her words sunk into his brain. "Oh."
"Yeah, he does the same job I do at a different company, and we've been working on this event together and doing lunch and and stuff. He's asked me out before and I said no, but... he asked again, and... I think I might like him. At least enough to try one real date, you know?"
"... Yeah, yeah," Bucky said, blinking a couple times and nodding. "Yeah, I get it."
"Okay," she nodded back, her stomach possibly consuming itself with how nervous she was. "I just wanted to tell you first, since we agreed that if we wanted to date someone we would..."
"You want to end this?" Bucky asked, and for a split second, she thought that she saw real, genuine disappointment on his face. Maybe even a flicker of panic.
"Well, I... not really, but I mean..." she paused and tried to wrangle together her thoughts into one coherent sentence. "It's been awhile since I've had a real date. Almost six months, and... I don't know. I don't want to miss out on what might be a good opportunity, you know?"
He nodded, jaw clenching as he did so, and Summer prayed to God that he would crack and tell her no, don't go out with that guy, stay here with me and I'll take you to dinner tomorrow myself. But he didn't do that. Instead he replied, "Yeah, right. Right. No, I get it. It's been a long time. I don't want to hold you back."
She could almost hear the sound of her heart cracking in half. "Okay. He seems like a pretty good guy, so..."
"Good," Bucky nodded again. "What's his name?"
"Jack," Summer replied. "He's funny. First guy I've met in a long time that I actually want to go out with."
Bucky nodded again. He seemed permanently stuck on "nod mode". "Well, that was our agreement, so... yeah, I mean go for it." He forced out a short laugh. "I just want you to be happy, so whatever makes you happy..."
You make me happy, she desperately wanted to say, but instead she forced a smile on her face. "Well... same here. It's been a long time since you've seen anyone, too."
He shook his head and shrugged. "Haven't met anyone worth seeing."
"Well, I'm sure that'll change soon enough."
Then there was silence. Summer's heart felt like it had been attacked by crazed ninjas, and she finally had her final confirmation that Bucky really didn't see her as anything more than a friend. If he did, he would have fought for her. And he wasn't doing that.
"So, um... is this going to make things weird, going from... having sex to not having sex?" she asked a bit timidly.
He scoffed and shot her a smile. "Nah. It'll be fine. Like I said before, we'll just go back to normal and... yeah. It'll be fine."
Saying it'll be fine back to back was immediate cause for concern that everything would not be fine, but Summer could do little else but nod and accept that answer. Inside, she could feel a well of tears swelling up behind her eyes, and the slight breakdown that she had been keeping at bay for months was finally at hand. But she couldn't let him see that.
"Okay. Well, I'm glad we were able to talk about this with no... awkwardness or anything," she smiled, lying through her teeth. The entire conversation had been more awkward than pretty much anything she'd ever experienced before.
"Yeah. Hey, part of being friends, right?" he half-grinned back, and as well as she knew him, she missed the slightly bitter tone in his voice.
"Yeah. Actually, um... I have work early so I should probably... go ahead and go," she lied again. She did have work in the morning, but she needed to leave because the dam was about to burst and she was not about to cry in front of him.
"Okay, yeah," he said, getting up to help her gather her things and walk to the door. "Get some rest. When's the date?"
"I'm not sure," she replied as she put her purse over her shoulder and started heading to the door with him behind her. "I'll have to talk to him and figure it out."
"Well, let me know how it goes," Bucky said, voice forcibly light as he opened the front door for her to walk through. "Make sure he takes you somewhere nice."
"Okay," she smiled, turning towards him and lingering in the doorway. What were they supposed to do now? Kiss goodbye? Thank each other for the months of commitment-free sex and be on their respective ways?
God, just say something, her brain screamed at both herself and Bucky. If one of them just said something, anything at all...
"See you later," he finally said, smiling at her but not touching her anywhere.
"Yeah, see you," she smiled back before turning and getting the hell away from him as fast as she could without being obvious about it.
Talk about going out with a whimper.
She managed to hold it all in until she hailed a cab and got inside. The minute her address left her mouth, she lost all self control and tried to hide a sudden sob with her palm over her mouth.
Meanwhile, after Bucky closed his door and the reality of what had just happened sunk in - along with how he had frozen and just let her walk away like a fucking idiot - he stared into space for about three entire minutes before snapping and flying into an apartment-demolishing rampage. He broke about half of what little dishes that he owned and flipped over his coffee table hard enough to make one of its legs break, and then as a grand finale, he punched a hole into his bedroom wall. He'd never claimed to be emotionally mature, so he had no shame in the matter.
Summer went home and continued crying her eyes out, releasing almost six months of pent-up angst and misery that she had been ignoring with Bucky's help. It was easy back then, but with now knowing the truth - that there was no future with him and that she'd been an idiot to think that there might be - there was no keeping it all inside anymore. There was only her empty bed and a bucketful of tears, along with a healthy amount of self-hatred for having gotten herself into this mess to begin with.
Bucky, on the other hand, refused to cry like a very significant portion of him wanted to. What was the point? She'd made herself very clear. She liked this Jack jackass and wanted to start seeing him, so that was that. If she was on the same wavelength as Bucky, she'd have no desire for such a thing because he sure as hell didn't want to date any other women.
Neither of them got much sleep that night, but it was just as well. Bucky was used to it, and Summer felt as if she deserved it for treating herself so poorly for so long.
A few days later, Summer had her first date with Jack. It went surprisingly well. He was funny and cute and pretty much everything that she liked in a guy. He respected her too, leaving her at her door with a kiss on the cheek that was neither too much nor too little for a first date. She appreciated that so much that she went ahead and planted one on him, a short but soft little kiss that took him by surprise, and they both parted ways with smiles on their faces.
Maybe her love life wasn't dead in the water after all.
Though Bucky had asked her to tell him how it went, she didn't text or call him. She hadn't heard from him since the night they ended their little... whatever it had been, and she was a bit scared to be the first to say something. It seemed so awkward now, at least on her part, and the idea of talking to him or even seeing him felt too painful to handle. The wounds were so fresh and so raw, and she couldn't stand to keep reopening them like that. So she'd wait for him to talk to her first.
That same night, Bucky went out to a bar with Peggy, Steve, and Sam, who was one of their mutual old Army buddies. Bucky made it a point to get as drunk as he could as fast as possible, and once he was fairly hammered, he put on his best flirting game and tried his best to forget about the girl he couldn't have, if only for a night.
Peggy, who was usually the smartest person in every room that she was ever in, was highly adept at piecing things together. After having been fairly sure of what was happening for months, the last straw was receiving a text from Summer talking about what an awesome date she'd just had. Peggy looked up from her phone and narrowed her eyes at the sight of Bucky talking up some tall brunette at the bar, finding it quite telling that after six months of those two mysteriously dating nobody, suddenly Summer was dating some random guy from work and Bucky was drunkenly flirting with a cheap Summer replica.
She sighed and asked her husband, "Do you ever feel as if we're running a daycare for tragically stupid adults?"
"Hmm?" Steve asked. Peggy rolled her eyes and stood up from their table and walked straight towards Bucky.
As he laughed at something undoubtedly not very funny that the girl had just said, Peggy strode up to his other side and smiled brightly at the woman before declaring, "You don't want to sleep with him. He's in love with someone whose hair and eye color you happen to share, and he would probably call you by her name and cry with shame as he climaxes."
Bucky choked on nothing and stared at Peggy with wide eyes and mouth agape, as if nobody had ever done anything so uncool in the history of mankind. The girl, however, cringed and replied, "Whoa. Thanks for the heads up."
"My pleasure," Peggy smiled as the girl got up and walked away.
"What the fu-"
"Shut up and come sit down before you make an even bigger bloody idiot of yourself," Peggy ordered, grabbing Bucky's sleeve and physically dragging him back to the table herself. After pushing him back down in his seat, she sat as well and immediately asked, "Are you completely stupid?"
"What just happened?" Steve asked, blinking at both of them while Sam grinned and sat back as if to watch the show.
"I have no idea," Bucky half-exclaimed.
"Oh please," Peggy rolled her eyes. "I've not seen you act that desperate in months, and this just so happens to occur on the same night that Summer had her first date in months?"
When Bucky's bewildered expression darkened and grew rather angered at that, Steve's brows furrowed and he asked, "Wait a minute. What am I missing?"
"I had my suspicions," Peggy told Bucky, ignoring Steve for the moment. "You're not nearly as subtle as you think you are, and Summer is about as mysterious as a giant flashing neon light."
Bucky rolled his eyes and slurred, "You don't know what you're talking about."
"I don't? Then please, enlighten me," she retorted.
He shrugged. "There's nothing to say."
Steve looked between his wife and best friend for a moment before asking Bucky, "So you and Summer...?"
"No," he immediately replied.
Peggy rolled her eyes again. "Yes."
"Fucking - no, okay? Dammit," Bucky groaned, dragging his hand over his face. "It was nothing."
"Six months of nothing? I find that hard to believe."
Drunk and past the point of caring when he was already found out, Bucky replied, "It was sex. That's all it was. It was all she wanted. Then she moved on once Jackass came along."
Peggy's eye twitched in a way that Steve knew signaled trouble. "Oh yes, that sounds perfectly believable. Summer, the most hopeless romantic we know, Summer who can't separate her feelings from a paper bag, Summer who has been pining over you for two sodding years -"
Bucky's face scrunched up in confusion. "No she hasn't."
Peggy smacked the table and leaned back in exasperation, shaking her head at the ceiling. "I can't believe what I'm hearing."
"She doesn't... no," Bucky shook his head. "If she did she wouldn't have... she would have..."
"What? What would she have done?" Peggy asked. "This is a girl who finds ordering at Starbucks stressful, and you expect her to confess her feelings to you?"
"You weren't there," Bucky replied dismissively. "Trust me. She had plenty of chances to say something and she didn't."
Peggy then turned to Steve and raised an eyebrow. "Darling, in the time that we've known Summer, have you ever gotten the feeling that perhaps she was quite taken with our friend here?"
Steve gave Bucky a tight smile and admitted, "Yeah, it was pretty obvious."
Bucky stared in disbelief.
"I second that," Sam said. "Girl's an open book, man."
Bucky glared at him next.
"Well, for your sake," Peggy sighed, "let's hope you haven't lost your chance with her entirely. I suggest you have an open and honest conversation with her before Jackass as you call him gets too far with her."
"Wouldn't change anything," Bucky grumbled. "I was an idiot. She's better off without me anyway."
Every other person at the table groaned and made a face like they'd rather stab out their own eyes than hear where that comment would inevitably lead if he kept talking.
"Look, maybe you should let her be the judge of that," Steve told him. "She's a very... well... nervous person, and it sounds like the two of you have some pretty bad communication issues going on. Just talk to her."
"Yes," Peggy agreed, "or keep getting drunk and trying to pick up random ladies at the bar who might as well be cheap knockoffs of what you you really want. Honestly, James, sometimes I wonder how a man as brilliant as you can also be so incredibly stupid."
He then smiled bitterly and raised his drink to her in a mock toast. "Join the club, pal."
Bucky did not go and find Summer and have that honest conversation with her. Instead, he decided to be a coward and just pretend like everything was fine and peachy and that he was super happy for her that she'd found someone that she liked so much. He had no idea what he was doing, but like Peggy said, he was stupid, so really he didn't know why anyone would expect otherwise.
Summer, meanwhile, kept working and kept seeing Jack. The event that they'd planned together took place and went smashingly, and he continued to grow on her more with each day they spent together. He seemed like the perfect package, smart and funny and hot, and she felt comfortable with him. It was a nice feeling.
Plus he was good at distracting her from the bizarre crapfest that was her friendship with Bucky, or the lack thereof. They saw each other in group settings sometimes and there was the occasional text, but for the most part she had a hard time figuring out what to even talk to him about half the time. Things had gotten painfully awkward and she blamed herself for it, but she didn't know how to fix it, so she didn't really try. She figured time was the best thing for them, and that this was likely simply an adjustment period.
Or something. Really, she had no earthly idea about anything.
What she did know was that she really did like Jack. They were taking things slow and he respected that about her, and after a month of nothing but kisses, a handful of makeout sessions and somewhat cautious handsiness, Summer decided that she was ready to take the next step. She saw it as a way of exorcising Bucky from both her mind and her body to try to have that same physical connection with someone else, and if it worked, then maybe she'd finally feel truly free of him. Where was the harm in trying?
And so, a few days after the anniversary of their first date, Summer went over to Jack's very nice Manhattan apartment and cooked him an equally nice dinner. They talked and laughed and finished off a bottle of red wine that worked wonders for her nerves, and then afterwards they headed to his couch to watch a movie that he'd gotten for them. But they didn't make it thirty minutes in before the kissing started, and after she expressed her readiness to do a bit more than merely kiss and grope a bit on the couch, he happily obliged and took her to the bedroom.
At first, all was well. His bed felt nice and soft underneath her and he wasn't one to rush things, so he took his time in properly working her up and slowly undressing her. He was a great kisser and she appreciated that he took his time, and it kept her at ease through all the tamer stuff - touching, kissing, the warming up before the more significant things.
Plus he was hot and looked good with his shirt off, and that always helped.
She thought that she was going to do just fine until he got her bra off. She wasn't expecting the sledgehammer to the heart that came when he groaned and dropped his head down to kiss all over her chest, which immediately made her brain unhelpfully flash before her eyes a vivid memory of Bucky doing the same thing. The difference was, when Bucky did this to her, he would do it with an unmatched level of enthusiasm and vocality that nobody could really live up to. He'd squeeze and grope her gently and then harder, rougher, almost enough to hurt before he'd bring his mouth down and make her almost lose it just from that, and all the while he'd be groaning and panting like he was enjoying it even more than she was.
Jack, however... he wasn't doing anything wrong or unpleasant, but he had a hell of a standard to live up to and he didn't even know it.
She tried to clear her mind and focus entirely on the present, and for a few moments, she was mostly successful. He started kissing her again and there was some slight grinding taking place between them, and it felt fine. She was fine. They were fine. She could do this.
Then his hand went between them and, as he continued to kiss the hell out of her, he tried to start up some more direct contact. She let him, opening her legs a little to help him out, and when his fingers first brushed over her, it was pleasant enough. She thought that was encouraging. This could totally work.
He kissed her neck as the touching got a bit more serious. She closed her eyes and focused on the feelings and the sensations, wanting so badly to make it work that she knew she'd be devastated if it didn't.
He wasn't bad at what he was doing. He was gentle and slow about it, and if it had been a year ago, she would have thought that it was one of the best things she'd ever felt from a man. But it wasn't a year ago and she had felt far better things from one particular man.
Also, Jack was quiet. In fact, he seemed to never make so much as a peep. Even his heavier breathing wasn't very audible, and while she supposed it wasn't a big deal, she was used to a lot more noise and also a lot of talking, like when Bucky would be doing this very same thing to her and his mouth would be at her ear as he said something like "Like that, baby? I can tell, you're fucking soaked. God you feel so good..."
Her accidental fantasy - or memory, really - had the unintended consequence of making a sudden jolt of pleasure fly straight to where Jack's hand was, and she realized then that she could not, in fact, do this. Not one bit.
"Wait, wait," she said breathlessly, grabbing his arm and pushing him away.
"What's wrong?" He asked, brows furrowed as he hovered over her and kept his hands away. "Did I do something or -"
"No, no," she shook her head, a little breathless. "No, you're fine. It's just... it's um..."
"You're not ready for this?" he guessed.
She shook her head. "No." She paused. "I don't know."
He released a heavy sigh and nodded, rolling off of her and sitting back on his heels. She suddenly felt exposed like that, being in just her underwear, so she sat up as well and let her long hair cover most of her chest, not caring if it was silly or not.
"I'm sorry," she told him cautiously, trying to tell if he was upset or not.
"Well, it's been a month, Summer," he replied a little more snippy of a tone than she would have expected. "I've been patient but damn."
"... Damn what?"
"I want an adult relationship, Summer," he replied. "If you're not ready then that's fine, but when are you going to be ready?"
She stared at him in slight disbelief for a moment before slapping an arm over her chest and getting off the bed, immediately starting to pick up her clothes from the floor.
"Wait, Summer, I - that came out wrong."
"No, it came out fine," she said, turning her back to him as she put her bra back on. "You want sex and I'm not an adult if I'm not ready to have it yet."
"Oh, Jesus," he grumbled, getting off the bed and reaching for her. "Can you calm down a minute before you freak out and -"
"No," she said, turning around and giving him a humorless smile. "This is what I do. I freak out. I freak out all the time and I'm weird and I make stupid decisions and sometimes I'm not ready for things right away, okay? And I think you're a nice guy, I do, and I like you but it's not okay to pressure someone about sex. Ever."
His eyes went wide as she continued getting dressed. "Pressure? I've waited a whole month to even get your shirt off! Do you have any idea how long that is for me?"
How nice. "I'm not talking about the last month, although hold on while I cry you a river," she rolled her eyes. "I'm talking about just now. And if you think you can't have an adult relationship without having sex within the first month, then maybe you're the one who hasn't had an actual adult relationship."
He laughed a bit sarcastically. "And you have?"
Buttoning up her shirt and deciding that underneath all of that charm he was actually pretty much a jerk, she replied, "I know that a real relationship means caring about each other and trusting each other and only wanting something if the other person wants it too. Anything else is just... cheap. And not something I want."
She knew that, she realized, because of the very man that she had come here to get over. Even though they'd never been in a true "relationship" by most standards, Bucky had treated her in a way that no other man ever had. She trusted him with her everything, just as he did with her.
Not only had he absolutely ruined her for other men when it came to sex, but she was now sure that she was ruined in every other way as well.
"Look," Jack said, a little more soberly, "why don't we just... take it easy and talk about it in the morning, okay? I didn't mean to make you feel pressured or... childish. I didn't mean it that way."
She sighed, looking him over and realizing that as well as she had gotten along with him and had a genuinely good time up until now, she felt absolutely nothing for him. Not a thing.
"To be honest," she replied quietly, "there's someone that I can't get over. I've tried, but... I can't get past this guy, and it sucks because he just sees me as a... really good friend, so screw me, but... there it is." She shrugged. "And you deserve better than that, so... we should probably just say we had a good time and... move on."
He responded by putting his hands on his hips and blowing out a heavy breath. "Well. This isn't how I expected the night to go."
She laughed. Yeah. Life's a bitch like that, isn't it."
So let me get this straight, the text from Natasha read, you're sitting on her doorstep waiting for her to come back from her date so you can sweep her off her feet?
Bucky chuckled softly to himself and typed back, No, I'm sitting on her doorstep waiting for her to come back from her date so that I can apologize in person for being such an ass for the last month.
He looked up towards the street, sitting on the second lowest step outside of her apartment building and absently watching the cars drive by. The truth was, he felt like a crappy person and even crappier friend for how he'd handled the whole situation up until this point. He loved Summer and he wanted her for himself, but without her presence in his life as a friend, there'd been a big empty hole that he couldn't fill without her. He needed to grow up and accept reality for what it was, and if they could only be friends, then so be it.
In the same vein, if he was patient and waited to see how her current relationship would end up, maybe he'd have another shot. But even if he didn't, he just needed her back in his life in any way that he could get her. He couldn't take anymore of the awkward small talk or avoiding each other for no good reason.
His phone buzzed with a new text. Well you might be waiting awhile. She said she was taking things to the "next level" with her guy tonight.
He closed his eyes and stifled a mixture of anger and incredible frustration upon reading those words. The thought of that man, that jackass touching her and having her...
He took a deep breath through his nose and out his mouth. If he lingered on that thought for too long, he'd find something breakable and smash it with his bare hands.
Just on the off chance that Summer would in fact return to her own place rather than spend the night in the bed of a jackass, Bucky hung out awhile longer on the steps. He was glad that he did so when about 20 minutes later, a taxi came to a halt in front of the building and the woman that he was waiting for stepped out of it. His mood instantly brightened at the implication.
She didn't notice him until she started walking towards the steps herself. When she did, she slowed to a halt and said with surprise, "Bucky?"
"Hey," he smiled, standing up and putting his hands in his pockets.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, returning his smile but keeping a safe distance from him.
"Couple reasons," he shrugged. "Mainly because I miss you and I wanted to see you. And I wanted to apologize for being a dumbass."
She chuckled and then asked quietly, "What about?"
"Things have been awkward," he admitted. "It's my fault. But I don't want it to be like that anymore. I miss you. I miss my friend."
She exhaled then, as if she had been expecting to hear something else entirely, and he wondered if she didn't seem... disappointed. "Yeah, I've missed you too. I wish you'd come over earlier though. It's late and I've had a... well, I've had a day, let's just say that."
"Rough date?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound too hopeful.
She laughed humorlessly. "You have no idea."
"Well, I've got nowhere else to be," he shrugged. "We can go up and you can tell me all about it."
She seemed to think for a moment. Then she smiled and gave in. "All right. Let's go."
Suddenly, after having broke it off with Jack, now Summer had the man behind all of her angst in her apartment, and she had to act calm and normal and not at all like she was about to lose her mind.
When she had first seen him sitting there on the steps and then heard him start apologizing, her heart performed a gymnastic flip that ended up being for nothing. It wasn't a grand romantic gesture like she had stupidly hoped for a moment. It was just Bucky trying to get things back to the way things were before.
But she was starting to think that was simply impossible at this stage.
He followed her around her apartment as she straightened up, tossing dishes in the sink that she would have taken care of earlier had she known she was going to have company.
"So, wanna tell me about the date?"
"Not... really, no," she replied with a faint shrug as she picked up a cup from an end table in her living room and headed to the kitchen with it.
He followed, of course. "That bad?"
"No." She paused and dumped out the cup and then let it clank to the sink. "Well... yeah, kind of."
"What happened?"
She sighed and leaned against the counter, facing him but trying to avoid direct eye contact. "Well, I broke it off with him by the end of the date, so..."
Bucky's eyebrows shot up towards his hairline. "You did?"
She nodded. "Yup."
"Now I have to know what happened," he said with both concern and a slight smile.
Summer sighed and dragged herself off towards the living room. "Then I'm gonna need to sit down."
After they were both seated on her couch - sitting at a normal, friendly distance from each other, which seemed to be a very conscience decision for them both - Summer glanced at the expectant look on his face and sighed. "If you're expecting something juicy, it wasn't like that."
"So you didn't find a sex dungeon in his apartment and run the other way?"
She laughed and shook her head. "No. No sex dungeon. It was more of a... mutual... well, no, it wasn't really mutual. It was pretty much all me." She took a breath and elaborated, "He's a nice guy and he's cute, but... I don't feel anything for him. And he was ready to start sleeping together and I thought I was too, but..."
"But?"
She shook her head. "I don't know. It's not like there's anything wrong with him. I did like him, but I'm starting to think that maybe I'm just one of those people who can't have sex with someone unless I actually feel something for them."
As soon as the words left her mouth, horror overcame her. She froze and her ears started to burn as she realized what she might have just inadvertently confessed to.
Oh God.
She looked at Bucky after a moment spent cringing, finding him staring at her in what looked like confusion.
Why did she do things like this to herself? Why couldn't she just keep her stupid mouth shut and...
"So it's over?" Bucky asked quietly.
Summer nodded, trying to will her still-hot blush to go away. "Yeah, it's over."
"Did you... how far did he get with you?"
Summer furrowed her brows and slowly forced herself to look him in the eye. After what she had just said and implied, that's what he wanted to know? "Seriously?"
He blinked, genuinely surprised by her tone. "What?"
Summer turned away and laughed. And then she kept laughing. God, this was all hilarious, in a decidedly not funny sort of way.
Now he was even more confused. "Summer, what?"
"Nothing," she shook her head as the giggles faded away. She stood up and crossed her arms, not having a particular destination in mind but needing to pace for some reason. Bucky, of course, got up to follow her. "Nothing at all."
"All right, well, I'm not a mind reader so you're gonna have to -"
She turned around and looked him in the eye, both of them standing in the middle of the living room as she retorted, "You're not? I didn't know that. I thought you only had a problem understanding super obvious things that are right in front of your face."
He looked so bewildered that she genuinely wanted to smack him a little. "Summer, what are you talking about?"
"Nothing," she shrugged. "You know what? I'm tired. Can you just... go ahead and go home?"
The furrow in his brow didn't go away, but he clenched his jaw slightly and she tried not to think about how hot she found that. "No."
"No?"
"Yes, no, not until you tell me what the hell's going on," he replied, visibly becoming more agitated.
"What's going on is everything sucks, I dumped my boyfriend because he's a jerk and you are the biggest idiot in the entire city," she said, essentially word-vomiting and nowhere near done just yet.
"What did I do?" he asked desperately, face scrunched up and hands starting to flail for emphasis. "All I did was show up here and say I'm sorry for being an ass and then -"
"You're still being one!" she half-yelled back. "My God, Bucky, is it really not that obvious? Do I need to spell it out in all caps for you like a five year old?"
"Spell what out for me?"
Her adrenaline was suddenly pumping now that this moment she had dreamed about for years had possibly arrived, the moment where she was going to confess all to him and lay it on the line regardless of his reaction. It was now or never, fight or flight, and yet the words still got stuck in her throat.
He watched her carefully, and he saw the moment that her courage faltered. Hoping against hope that she was on the verge of saying what he wanted to hear with every fiber of his being, he dropped his voice down and said much more quietly, "I have to hear you say it to believe it."
Her eyes snapped up to his in surprise. "What?"
"If you..." Suddenly nervous, he licked his lips and half-stammered, "If you're about to say what I'm hoping you are, I have to hear it. I can't just... I can't take other people's word for it or convince myself, I have to... I've gotta hear it from you."
He knew. She swallowed a lump in her suddenly dry throat and said, "If I say it then it'll change everything and..."
"Everything's already changed," he replied, lifting his arms and letting them fall. "Look at us, Summer."
She felt tears threatening to start falling, which was just great. "I know and I hate this. I hate everything being weird between us and I've missed you so much..."
He was suddenly closer now, his hand gently cupping the side of her face, and yet she couldn't stand to look him in the eye. "I know. I miss you too."
His voice was low and comforting, sweet, genuine. It made her heart ache. "I just feel so stupid because this turned into a mess and I care about you so much and..."
"I care about you too," he said, still touching her, trying to angle her head so that she was forced to look at him, but she didn't let him just yet.
"I tried to just... forget," she rambled as a tear escaped her eye. "I tried to like that guy and be normal and get on with my life but no matter what I did it wasn't the same and... it's torture, you know? Just no matter what I do, it didn't change anything because I..."
"I love you."
Those were the words that she had been trying so hard to choke out. Her wide eyes flew up to his, her mouth open as she nearly went into a state of genuine shock. Did he really just say that? Because if not and she heard wrong or he was screwing with her, she knew she'd never recover from that.
"What?" she muttered dumbly.
"You heard me," he said quietly, tucking her hair behind her ear and staring at her like she held his entire fate in her hands.
"But..." She closed her eyes and then muttered, "I swear to God, if you're just screwing with me -"
"I'm not, I'm not," he assured her, bringing both of his hands to her face and this time succeeding in making her look at him. "I promise you, I'm not."
"But I'm just your friend," she said. "You've... over and over, you always made it really clear that you only saw me as -"
"I know, I'm an idiot," he told her sincerely, briefly resting his forehead on hers. Her hands were on his arms, holding on for dear life, and she had no idea when she had done that. "I'm sorry."
He was telling her everything that she had wanted to hear for so long, but yet she found that she couldn't quite accept it. Not that easily, anyway.
She pried herself out of his grip and took a few steps back. "Where's this coming from? Are you just jealous? Is that why you asked me what all I did with him? Because if you're only saying this so that we'll go back to how we were before..."
"No, no, God, Summer," he shook his head firmly while respecting her sudden need for space. "I don't want to go back to that. And yeah I was jealous, but I asked how far he got with you because the thought of him touching you makes me wanna rip his fucking head off."
Summer shook her head, trying to poke holes in this new development any way that she could as a desperate last-ditch measure of self-preservation. "But why didn't you feel like this before? If you're only doing this because I ended it and now you want me because you can't have me -"
Bucky looked utterly miserable as he tried to convince her otherwise. "No. No, I swear that's not it."
"Then what? Because everything was normal until I started dating again and now suddenly -"
"No it wasn't," he shook his head. "Nothing was normal. I knew I loved you but I didn't think you wanted what I wanted."
Her jaw nearly hit the floor. "Are you kidding me?"
"No!"
Summer was... absolutely and 100% blown away. They stood there in silence then, staring at each other speechless until Summer found her voice again.
"So what you're telling me is... we're complete and utter idiots."
He shrugged. "Well, I am, that's for fucking sure."
Her entire world reeling, Summer suddenly flopped down on the couch and dropped her head into her hands. Bucky followed almost immediately, sitting next to her and sitting close enough that he was pressed just slightly against her.
After taking a moment, she raised her head and asked him, "Since when?" At his puzzled expression, she added, "When did you stop seeing me as just a friend?"
He looked away and ran a hand through his hair, letting out a deep breath before he gave his answer. "You've always been special to me. I just... I never thought you could love me like that. You know better than almost anyone how fucked up I am," he muttered. "So I just... told myself you were just my friend and I tried to be content with that. But I don't think I ever even knew the half of what I felt for you until this one night."
"Which night?" she asked, desperate to know.
He glanced at her and smiled. "Remember that bad day I had awhile back, where I was being stupid and you came over with food and movies and kept me company?"
She thought for a moment and then said, "Oh, right. Silver Linings Playbook."
He nodded. "You had done that for me I don't know how many times, but... it just... hit me that night. Hit me right when we were... whatever you want to call what we did on my couch..."
She smiled and blushed a little when he smiled back at her. "Right, um... that."
"Yeah. I still didn't think that you could love me and I still think I'm too screwed up and that you deserve better, but that was when I knew."
She furrowed her brows, taking great issue with what he said but having to focus on one thing at a time for now. "Why didn't you just say something?"
"Probably for the same reason you didn't," he replied. "I was scared. I didn't think you felt that way about me, but apparently everybody we know knew from the start..."
Her eyes widened. "They did?"
"Peggy said you're as mysterious as a giant neon sign or something," Bucky shrugged.
She made a mental note to attempt and fail to beat Peggy up later. "Oh."
"Yeah, so..." He trailed off for a moment, thinking and staring at his hands. "Then when you told me you wanted to start dating again, I figured that was it. Best thing to do was just let you go and let you be happy."
"I was miserable," she told him quietly. "I went home and cried for two days."
"I broke half my dishes and punched a hole in my wall," he replied.
That settled it, she thought. They were definitely both idiots. Pretty substantial ones, too.
She suddenly stood up again, needing to move around as if motion would help her brain think more easily. Bucky looked up and watched her as she paced with her hands on her hips. "Okay, so... what does all of this mean? Like... what are we going to do about it?"
He blinked. "I... well... I guess that's... up to you. Depends on what you want."
"What I wa- seriously? Because I think you know what I want and that's the problem," she said, still pacing. "I know what I want but after months and months of hoping and praying and having my heart ripped out over and over, I'm having a hard time believing what I'm hearing even though I want to. It's just... you have no idea what I've been through with you and what I've felt and how much it hurt to..."
He was on his feet before she could finish her sentence, crowding her space again and this time making her stop pacing by gently gripping her arms in gentle hands. "I know. I'm so sorry."
"No, you don't know," she shook her head. "You have no idea. You would make me feel so good and so special and like I was the center of the fricking universe, and then by the time the sun came up I'd just be your buddy again. You'd call me baby and sweetheart and then turn around and flirt with other girls in front of me, and you have no idea what that did to me."
He winced and closed his eyes, cupping her face again and whispering, "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I'm an idiot, I'm worthless - just tell me what to say or what to do to make it better."
"You're not worthless," she assured him, but he didn't seem to hear her.
"Do you want me to get on my knees and beg you to forgive me 'cause if it'll help I will," he told her earnestly, looking her in the eyes. "Just say anything, Summer, and I swear I'll do it."
She shook her head, her arms finding their way around his neck as their foreheads touched and he continued to stare at her almost desperately, hanging on her every word. "It wasn't all your fault. It was mine too. I've loved you forever," she admitted with a small smile, and she'd never forget the relieved and emotional way that he looked at her as she finally said those words. "I should have... known better. Should have just told you from the start and then I could have saved us all the -"
He kissed her before she could finish her sentence. It took her by surprise, and she let out a breathless sound against his lips that, to her surprise, seemed to make him make a low, needy sound of his own.
After a long, blissful moment, he broke the kiss and, their foreheads pressed together, he told her, "You always make that sound when I first kiss you."
"I do?" she asked in somewhat of a daze.
"Ever since the first time, yeah," he murmured, thumbs tracking her cheekbones.
"Well, when you imagine what something would be like over and over for... a really long time and then it finally happens," she shrugged lightly. "Guess I never got used to it."
"I'm so sorry," he told her for what felt like the thousandth time. "If I'd known I swear it would have been different. I never would have used you like that. I never ever wanted to hurt you. It was the last thing I ever thought I'd do and..."
"It's okay," she told him quietly, soothingly running her fingers through the back of his hair. "It's as much my fault as it is yours."
"No," he shook his head vehemently. "No it's not. Please, Summer, tell me what to do to make it up to you. I'll do anything, I swear. I'll -"
This time it was her turn to shush him with a kiss. He immediately clutched her tighter, making a desperate sound himself as she kissed him and started to wonder if any of this was even real. Maybe she'd wake up any minute and find out it was all a dream and that everything was still the same as it had always been.
The kiss was both slow and frantic, Bucky holding her like he was just as fearful as she was that she'd just disappear and everything would fall apart. They broke apart only for him to pant an inch from her mouth, "Tell me, Summer, tell me what to do."
Looking into his eyes and feeling like she just might burst, she replied, "Tell me you love me again."
"I love you," he half-whispered without a hint of hesitation. "I love you so much. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."
Heart soaring despite having been smashed to pieces just weeks ago, she replied a little shakily, "Me too. And," she added, tracing the lines of his face that she had grown to know so well, "I know you think nobody can love you but you're wrong. I love you."
Somewhere between a smile and a grimace, he gave away how much those words meant the world to him while also scaring the hell out of him. "I'm a mess, Summer. I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I can barely take care of myself let alone anyone else."
"I know," she nodded. "That's where I'd come in. We've always taken pretty good care of each other. Wouldn't be any different like this."
"You sure?" he asked with a tiny smile, clearly desperate to accept what she was proposing.
She nodded. "Only one way to find out."
He grinned, and she smiled back before closing her eyes as he kissed her again. It felt different than before somehow, and she felt different too - lighter, relieved, and actually calm for the first time in a very long time.
This, she thought, was what it must feel like to stop living a lie and be completely honest for once. And maybe this was also what it felt like to be in love and not absolutely hate it.
After that, neither of them could get close enough fast enough. Still kissing in that slow but frenzied way, needing to feel each other and be constantly assured that they were really there and not just a figment of their respective imaginations, Bucky first began to steer her back towards the couch. But when she shook her head, he understood what she wanted and instead, they ended up in the very familiar safe haven of her bedroom. This time, however, things went quite differently.
He shut her door behind them with his foot, the only light coming from streetlights flowing inside through the two windows in her room. He never thought to turn on the lights and neither did she, both of them singularly focused on the other and getting to bed as quickly as possible, but not necessarily for the most obvious reasons. She got him on the bed first, only their shoes off as she climbed on his lap and kissed the hell out of him.
"God," he groaned softly between kisses, hands all over her and aching to get closer. The sound of his voice made her shiver, and she broke away to look at him in the low light.
"Did you see anyone?" she asked him quietly, slightly afraid of the answer. "While we weren't..."
"No," he shook his head. "Nobody."
It wasn't fair of her to ask, since she had been seeing someone the whole time, but she just needed to know. He started kissing her neck and unbuttoning her shirt, and once it was open and he had pulled it from her shoulders, he drew away to ask, "Did he touch you?"
Keeping fully in mind that she had done nothing wrong and that she knew he wasn't asking to be accusatory or ridiculous, she met his gaze and admitted, "A little."
She saw both sadness and jealousy in his eyes at her answer. His hands sliding down her sides, he then asked, "Did you like it?"
"I tried to," she replied. "I really did. I thought it would get you out of my system and make me feel better, but all it did was make me think of you and how much better you are than he is."
He kissed her hard then, hard enough to make her moan and then almost lose her head when he flipped her down on the bed without breaking the kiss.
"You thought about me while you were with him?" he asked lowly when they stopped to take a breath.
She nodded. "That's why I stopped it. I couldn't do that to myself. You ruined me for any other man and I don't think you even know it."
Her words and admissions bringing out the possessive, slightly darker side of him, he replied, "I do now."
She clawed his shirt off before he leaned down to kiss her again. His next question came as a rough groan against her lips, a little less forgiving than before. "Did you touch him?"
She shook her head. "No."
"Were you in his bed?"
She nodded. He growled and kissed her again, and the strange thrill that she felt from his reactions to her to answers took her by surprise.
"Did he take your clothes off?" he asked as he reached between them to undo her pants and start pulling them off.
"Bucky, why are you -"
"Just answer me," he said lowly, half order and half plea.
She sighed, giving in. "Yes."
He almost ripped her pants off at that point. "How much?"
"I... almost everything," she said before he flung her pants to the floor and then groaned before pressing his mouth to her belly. Her hands in his hair, she closed her eyes and couldn't believe that her night had gone from pure crap to pure bliss. Bucky took the opportunity to quickly rid himself of the rest of his clothes before immediately turning all of his attention back to her.
He kissed his way up, looking up at her as he kissed the tops of her breasts over the cups of her bra, and then once he reached her jaw, he said, "You told me you thought about me while you were with him. Tell me exactly what you thought."
Her face was on fire and she wanted to squirm and try to get out of it, but she knew any attempt would be futile. He pulled down both straps of her bra and tugged it down until it was at the top of her waist, but he didn't break eye contact as his hands quickly busied themselves with massaging and lightly squeezing her breasts.
"I... he was... trying... but he was so quiet," she said, closing her eyes and arching into his touch. "You're always loud and you moan and you say things and I love that so much."
He grinned. "That's what you thought about?"
"That and how much better your fingers feel," she admitted, wrapping an arm around his neck and using it as leverage to push them both up so that they were sitting.
He watched her heatedly as she took off the bra she was still haphazardly wearing, and then she was back in his lap and in his arms as she kissed him with a familiar but no less intense passion. Her hips rolling slowly against his as they kissed, it wasn't long before he was panting and groaning softly just as he had in her ill-timed fantasy earlier, only this time it was real and so much better than she even remembered it being before. She had no doubt that it was because this was the first time they were doing this as real, committed lovers.
Breaking the kiss and then trailing his lips down to her neck, Summer took a tight fistful of his hair and pulled enough to make him moan and falter for a moment. But then he bit at her, softly but hard enough to sting, and after he soothed the bite with his tongue, he nuzzled her neck and groaned roughly, "Mine."
That one single word nearly made her lose her mind on the spot. She moaned shakily before he raised his head, looking her in the eye as his hand moved between them and his fingers slowly, teasingly dipped into the front lace of her panties. It was the softest of touches, but his eyes gave away the strength of his intent as he repeated, "Mine." She shuddered, knowing what this was - he was claiming her, and she wanted that more than she wanted anything.
She closed her eyes and her breathing was a mess as he touched her, her head tipping back as he kissed everywhere that his mouth could reach in their current position. She rocked against his hand and savored every last sensation, greedily taking everything he gave her and kissing back desperately every time his mouth touched hers. She was so wound up and so happy that it felt like one moment he was just getting started and then the next, she was seconds from falling apart.
"Go on," he murmured in her ear, his free hand splayed on her back and helping to steady her as she rode his hand. "Come for me, sweetheart. Only for me."
And so, with a breathless, shaky and long-lasting gasp, she did. It rolled over her in waves, slow-building and sweet and everything she had really only ever felt when she was with him. Her eyes fluttered open when it was over, her breath labored and cheeks flushed as she found him staring at her with unhidden lust and so much more. He leaned in and kissed her softly.
"Only for me," he repeated as he drew away, making sure that she had heard him.
She nodded, squirming at the way that his fingers were still slightly moving against her. "Only you."
He then pulled his hand away and laid her down on her back again. Her head falling back on her pillow, she watched as he slowly crept up her body while maintaining searing and stiflingly hot direct eye contact with her all the while. The undying blush on her face grew exponentially brighter when he slipped two of his fingers into his mouth and hummed lowly with appreciation at her lingering taste, his eyes never leaving hers. He knew exactly how to set her on fire all over again.
"I've missed that," he murmured, dropping his head down and kissing between her breasts. "Missed your taste, your scent... God, I've missed everything about you..."
He then switched course and started kissing down rather than up, kisses growing more open mouthed the farther he went. She squirmed with anticipation all the while, still sensitive but ready for more and telling him as much by helpfully swinging one of her legs over his shoulders once he was low enough to nip at her hipbone. He glanced up at her and grinned, asking with his lips still against her skin, "Ready?"
"God yes," she half-moaned, only to have her eagerness answered with a painstakingly slow and teasing trail of kisses down her hips, her inner thighs all the way to her knees and back up again, leaving her nearly ready to scream by the time that he finally gave in and satisfied both of their needs. But it was even better for how long he had spent building it up, and she really did almost scream by the time he finally put his mouth on her.
Some small, perpetually ignored part of her brain had spent the last month convinced that she'd never get to have this again, a man devoting his full and complete attention to satisfying her in this way, and yet now she here and was once again in the hands of the best lover she'd ever had. And not only was he as skilled and enthusiastic about it as he had ever been, but now there was an honestly and emotion underneath it all that made it not only enjoyable but joyful, and that was brand new. It also only served to make everything even more heightened and intense, to the point where she was falling apart within what felt to her like mere seconds.
But he didn't mind how eager or sensitive she was. In fact, he relished in it and took advantage of it, not stopping until he lost count of how many more times he made her see stars. He watched her, his left hand holding her right through the most intense of it, his thumb swiping tenderly below her knuckles as she squeezed his hand with every new pulse of pleasure from his mouth.
He only gave her a break once she physically pushed him away instead of holding him close, breathlessly moaning for him to stop and squirming away. He let her now-uselessly limp leg fall off of his shoulder and flop to the bed, her body covered in a light sheen of sweat and her eyes closed as she tried catch her breath. Satisfied with his work, he gave her one last kiss before slowly making his way back up and nudging her nose with his to get her attention.
"Like that?" he asked teasingly, her eyes opening and looking at him both heatedly and incredulously. He kissed her lips softly, just a gentle touch, and her hand unexpectedly grasping and softly stroking him took him by surprise.
"I loved it," she replied, kissing the corner of his mouth, "and I love you."
"I'll never get sick of hearing you say that," he admitted, a low little grown leaving his throat when he thrusted a bit into her hand.
"This is real, right?" she asked him, eyes shining with unshed tears from both the constant assault of pleasure and the emotion underneath it all. "I'm not gonna wake up and be here alone and everything back to normal?"
He shook his head, taking her hand and pulling it off of him so he could lift it and place it next to her head on her pillow. "It's real," he assured her. "And I'm not going anywhere."
"Better not," she grinned before leaning up and kissing him, her legs sliding up and around his hips to make her intent unmistakable. His hand slid from her thigh down to her knee, lifting it higher and aligning them better, and she pushed up against him a bit impatiently. He, however, grasped her leg and held it firmly in place, not letting her move.
"Slow this time," he murmured, eyes moving from her lips to her eyes. "Not fast. Not... not what we normally do. I wanna do this right."
She nodded, swallowing quickly and understanding exactly what he meant. He was feeling the same thing that she was feeling, the need to make sure that the night lived up to its meaning and did justice to it outweighed everything else. He touched his lips to hers again, kissing her softly and sweetly and slowly, setting a tone that was just as new for her as it was for him.
"I don't deserve you," he whispered against the corner of her mouth. "I really don't."
"Shh," she hushed him, bringing two fingertips to his lips. His eyes met hers as she smiled and shook her head. "Don't do that. Not now."
He nodded lightly, and she knew that his self-doubt and other issues wouldn't be going away anytime soon. But that was okay, because she was bringing her own baggage to this new relationship, too. They could be half-broken and messed up together.
She brought his lips down back to hers, and then they were lost again. Kissing turned into passionate touching and languid, hot sliding of skin and friction that wasn't enough, until she was ready to beg and he couldn't hold back anymore. One breathily whispered please from her lips had him finally taking her at last, sliding within her slowly and carefully and making her sigh with relief while he closed his eyes and exhaled harshly in a struggle to stay in control.
She ran her hands over his arms, his shoulders, his back and his neck, fingers finding a home in his hair as she matched each of his initial slow, measured movements with her own. She watched his eyes shut tight and his breathing come out short and labored for a moment, but finally he seemed to gain full control and he opened his eyes as he began to move a little faster and surer. She shivered at the change, meeting his gaze and moaning softly when she lifted her hips enough that he hit her just right.
"You're so beautiful," he murmured, his hands cupping her face as he leaned his weight on his elbows on the bed. "Look at you."
"No, you," she managed to breathe out. Then he lifted her leg a bit higher and her eyes rolled shut at a new shudder of pleasure that made her toes curl.
He kept moving like that, languid and measured but deep and perfect, and when she was back on the edge again, he pulled her close and rolled them over. She wasted no time once she was on top, balancing her palms on his chest and picking up exactly where he'd left off, fully controlling their rhythm this time.
He stared at her like she was a goddess, in awe of how her hips rolled and her hair swayed in her face and how she'd close her eyes and gasp when something felt especially good. He ran his hands everywhere, touching every inch of skin that he could until her nails bit down into his chest and she let her head fall back as she moaned with pure and utter bliss. Every clench of her body and tremble of her thighs pressed against his hips felt like heaven, but he wasn't ready to let go himself just yet.
He turned them over again, placing himself back on top of her as she panted and came down from her high. He kissed her and resumed the pace that she had set before she had lost it, with long and deep thrusts that weren't rushed or frenzied at all. They both felt so much more than they ever had before, every inch of skin that touched and dragged and rocked together feeling electric and incredibly intense. And through it all, they kissed and touched like real lovers and not the confused, sometimes scared friends that they had been before.
With one arm on the bed next to Summer's head for support and his other trailing up and down her body, over her side and along her breast and then over her neck to her face so he could cradle it as he kissed her, Bucky felt his self control begin to splinter. Everything felt too good, too heavy, and he couldn't help but open his mouth and let out his adoration for the woman beneath him.
"I love you," he murmured, groaning with each meeting of their hips. He dragged his lips down her jaw to her ear, where he murmured, "I love you so fucking much it hurts."
She wrapped her arms around him, her entire body wrapped around his by that point, and she moaned near his own ear, "I'm finally not hurting at all."
He raised his head then, looking down at her and feeling his heart skip at the sight of tears in her eyes. She smiled and it made his chest feel like it might burst. She just looked so incredibly happy... and it had been so long since he had seen her like that.
He smiled back, and the tears that had been building behind Summer's eyes dropped on to her cheeks in two steady streams, and it was all because of the real, genuine joy on his face. She could truthfully say that she'd never seen him so happy or full of emotion, and it was an amazing look on him. He looked younger and lighter, less weighed down by the demons in his past, and she knew that she'd do anything to keep seeing him like that.
"One more time," he murmured, changing the angle a bit again and making it incredible for her. "Come with me, sweetheart."
It was an easy order to follow. Just seconds later, high on emotion and their physical connection that went far beyond anything they'd ever felt before, Summer let herself go one last time and Bucky followed soon after with a gasp that became a long and strained moan. Every nerve in his body came alive and it felt all the more powerful for how slowly and lovingly it had built, and the whole time, they were forehead to forehead and as close as they could be.
The blissful, quiet moments after were spent in a mutual state of exhausted awe. Bucky stayed on top of of her for a bit, Summer not minding the weight at all, but soon he moved and all but collapsed on the other side of the bed. He reached for her at the same moment that she reached for him, and then she was in his arms again, warm and safe and amazingly happy.
Summer felt like she was floating on cloud nine. What had begun as a poorly-conceived mess had turned out beautifully, so unexpectedly perfectly, and her heart finally felt whole once again. One night wouldn't erase all the hurt and the heartache that she had been through, but at least for that night in that moment, she was whole and she was happy.
And maybe, just maybe, so was Bucky.
"Should have done that a long time ago," he murmured, lips pressed to the top of her head.
She giggled. "Yeah... but it was worth the wait."
"Yeah it was," he agreed, his fingers starting to run slowly through her hair and making her eyes close. "It really... really... was."
She moaned quietly and said, "Keep doing that."
He smiled and happily obliged. "Getting sleepy already?"
"Well," she replied without bothering to open her eyes, "I got up early for work today and got off late, and then I had a date that ended pretty badly, and then..."
He grinned, looking up at the ceiling. "And then?"
"And then I came home and found this really hot, sweet guy waiting for me on the steps. He kept me up past my bedtime sweet talking me and wearing me out."
"Lucky guy," Bucky mused.
"Yeah," she agreed. "But I'm the luckiest one."
He shook his head, closing his eyes. "Impossible."
"Don't think so," she yawned. "Go to sleep, Bucky. We're gonna need out strength for when our friends find out and have a field day making fun of us for the rest of our lives."
"They're gonna give us hell," Bucky agreed.
She yawned. "Yeah. But we kinda deserve it."
"Well, like you said," he replied just before drifting off, "we're pretty much idiots."
She laughed sleepily, and then sleep overtook them both.
The following morning, Bucky awoke with the sun as he usually did. But this time, unlike most mornings, he awoke from a dreamless sleep feeling truly tested for once. He savored the feeling, knowing better than to take such a thing for granted.
Lying next to him was Summer, the woman that he had loved for very long, looking the way that he imagined an angel would as she slept. She was on her side, facing away from him and covered by just a thin sheet pulled up to her chest. The morning sunlight looked gorgeous on her pale skin, all warm and, dare he say it, romantic as the sun bathed her in its soft rays.
Before he knew it, he found himself genuinely watching a woman sleep for the first time in his life.
He reached out and ran the back of two fingers down her upper arm, watching goosebumps arise in their wake though the touch didn't wake her. He smiled to himself, hardly able to believe how damn good he felt.
It had been so long since he had allowed himself a shred of real happiness that he'd almost forgotten what it felt like. Being this happy again was as frightening as it was incredible, but one very important thing kept him from even thinking about running. And that was the future, or more specifically, the future that he could see now when he looked at Summer.
Thinking about the future and the unknowns within it had always had a way of frightening him, but now when he imagined what it might be like with this woman by his side... he could see it. It felt right. And though there were a thousand different paths they could take and a thousand more that might not necessarily end the way that he hoped they would, one in particular stood out and played out in his head like a movie.
As he watched the even, rhythmic rising and falling of her chest, he saw the next few months playing out with ups and downs. It was only natural, but the good times would always outweigh the bad. They'd fall harder in love and, if Bucky knew himself at all, he'd rush to make her his own in the most permanent way that a man could. He'd take Steve and Natasha and... well, probably the whole gang and drag them to the best jewelry store that he could afford, and they'd help him pick out a ring worthy of this incredible woman. But he wouldn't give it to her right away. He'd hang on to that ring and wait for the right moment, wait until Summer was ready to be asked such a huge question. That day might come in a week, a month, or maybe even a year, and that would be fine. He'd be patient, even though he'd know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was the one and there was nobody else.
Then, when the time was finally right, he'd get down on one knee and ask her to marry him in a way that would make his mama proud. She'd say yes and they'd kiss and they'd be so happy that they couldn't see straight. A whirlwind of planning and dresses and cakes would go by in a flash and then they'd finally say their vows before God and the most important people in their lives. He'd make sure that Summer would have a wedding day that would live up to her dreams, and then after that... after that, the real fun would begin.
They'd get a nice place, somewhere in the city that was safe and a good place to raise kids in. One day she'd excitedly show him a little white stick with a couple of pink lines on it, and then he'd get to watch her belly go from flat and perfect to enormous and perfect. A son or a daughter would come at the end of those nine months - he wouldn't care which, so long as they were healthy and took more after their mother than their father - and life would never be the same.
After that, maybe more kids would come and maybe they wouldn't. They'd take life as it came and be happy with what they had and what they didn't have. They'd always be friends first, partners in every sense of the word, and lovers who would know each other better than they knew themselves. They'd grow old together, and if they were lucky, they'd get to be the cool grandparents who gave their grandkids meals made of ice cream and candy and took them to the park every week.
He could see it all right there, one potential path among countless others, and while it was incredibly early and far too premature to count on or even predict such a thing... he could see it. He could see a life like that with the woman lying next to him, and that was something that nearly sent him reeling because this kind of clarity had never happened to him before. Ever.
It gave him hope. Not just hope for his relationship with Summer, but hope for himself and his own future.
His thoughts were interrupted when she began to stir, taking a deep breath and rolling on her back. She kept her eyes closed, trying to chase a few more minutes of sleep, and he watched her for a bit until he decided to run his fingers down her arm again, knowing it wouldn't go unnoticed this time.
Her eyes fluttered open sleepily at the touch, quickly finding him lying next to her. She smiled and then closed her eyes again as he gently touched her face, running his fingers along her cheek. "So... yesterday was real."
He smiled back. "Sure was, sweetheart."
Her eyes opened again, and this time she looked at him in that loving and sweet way of hers, like all of her many emotions were just simmering under the surface. "Hey... you called me sweetheart."
"I always call you that," he pointed out, still wearing a stubborn smile.
"Not in the morning," she replied, taking his hand in hers after his fingers had finished tracing her face. "Not when we're not... doing things."
God, he'd been such an idiot. But not anymore.
"Well... get used to hearing it a lot more often, sweetheart," he told her, watching her lips stretch in a smile so real and so happy that it made his heart ache in the best way possible. He kissed her softly then, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close so that they could lay in the soft sunlight together and bask in the warmth that came with the start of their new chapter.
Anything could happen, and he knew that painfully well. But for his part, he was going to hold out hope for the path that he'd seen, the one that still felt like it was within their reach if they only chose to grasp it.
But he had a feeling. He had a hunch that they'd do it, and that their lives would go a lot like what he had envisioned. If they were lucky, that life and that family and that home would, in time, all be theirs.
And he was right.