Sweeney Todd Parody
Chapter Three- Poor Thing/ My Friends
Please do not review too harshly this is my first parody and I am trying my best to make this funny and have original material.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Sweeney Todd; if I did I would be too busy playing with him to write.
(Mrs. Lovett leads Sweeney past a room full of creepy clown dolls and up the stairs to the room where Sweeney used to live.)
Sweeney: I hope that Lucy is up there with Johanna!
Mrs. Lovett: You better prepare yourself for quite the surprise…
Sweeney: What?
Mrs. Lovett: Nothing, nothing at all!
(The two slowly enter the barber shop; the floor of the barber shop is covered in empty beer bottles and pentagrams.)
Sweeney: What the frick frack, biofeedback, lumberjack happened here?!
Mrs. Lovett: I had some wild parties, and then I tried multiple times to summon Satan so I could sell my soul so you would love me. I failed though, and summoned a demonic goat named Charles.
(A black goat that has large horns suddenly runs out from the corner of the room and gives a bone chilling screech.)
Sweeney: AAAAAAA! Demon goat!
Mrs. Lovett: I told you, you don't need to worry about him; his days of destroying cities are over.
(Mrs. Lovett starts to gently stroke Charles while Sweeney slowly backs out of the barbershop.)
Mrs. Lovett: Who's a good boy? Who's a good demon goat? Hey, where do you think you're going?!
Sweeney: I'm going nowhere, nowhere at all! I am standing right here and patiently waiting for you to stop petting the demon goat.
Mrs. Lovett: I knew I could trust you.
(Mrs. Lovett lets go of Charles, Charles gives yet another bone chilling screech and runs out of the barber shop. A few seconds later, Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett both hear the screams of terror from the people that are walking around outside as Charles attacks them.)
Mrs. Lovett: Just ignore those screams of pain and terror, they'll be fine.
Sweeney: You know this how?
Mrs. Lovett: I know because, I was one of the people that Charles attacked!
Sweeney: May I leave now? You are starting to scare me and I would like to find my wife and daughter…
Mrs. Lovett: Don't bother, Lucy is dead and her daughter has been raised by the most perverted judge in all of London!
Sweeney: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Mrs. Lovett: it was quite sad, you see after this really cute guy named Bob Barker- I mean Benjamin Barker was taken away for absolutely nothing! It is a shame, he was sooooo beautiful, and I would have married him if that blonde twit hadn't taken him away before the rest of us got a chance to try and win his affection.
Sweeney: Jealous much? I mean, GET ON WITH THE STORY WOMAN!
Mrs. Lovett: Geez, I was getting there you just need to be patient.
Sweeney: I HAVE NO PATIENCE MY WIFE IS DEAD AND THERE IS A 62% CHANCE THAT MY DAUGHTER IS GETTING RAPED BY THE JUDGE RIGHT NOW!
Mrs. Lovett: SO it is you, Bob- Benjamin Barker.
Sweeney: No way man! Its Todd now, Sweeney Todd and I WILL have my revenge! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Sweeney's maniacal laughter of vengeance is suddenly interrupted by himself, choking on air and starting to violently cough.)
Mrs. Lovett: What have I gotten myself into?
Sweeney: *Cough* REVENGE! *cough* *cough* KILL! *Cough*
Mrs. Lovett: There, there love. Hey, I just remembered that under these floorboards are your razors!
Sweeney: OMG! This is better than my birthday and Christmas and pudding day at the prison all rolled into one!
Mrs. Lovett: I'll worry about your sanity later, here we are! One box of razors that I could have sold when my crippling debt almost destroyed me, all those thirty times but instead I kept them out of LOVE for YOU!
Sweeney: So shiny!
Mrs. Lovett: Times is tough Mr. T!
Sweeney: MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSS!
Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T! See how quickly I've accepted your new name? Anyhow, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME RANT ABOUT HOW I DIDN'T SELL YOUR RAZORS EVEN THOUGH I COULD OF BECAUSE I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH YOU?!
Sweeney: These are my friends.
Mrs. Lovett: I give up! Go ahead and sing in a very creepy manner to your razors, see if I care!
Sweeney: My friends!
Mrs. Lovett: LOVETT OUT!
End of Chapter Three my sweet children