Sweeney Todd Parody
Chapter Four- Green Finch and Linnet Bird/ Johanna One
Disclaimer: Me-a-no-a-own-a-Sweeney-Todd-a!
(Anthony is walking down the middle of a crowded street completely and utterly lost, it might be because his map is a Candyland board game.)
Anthony: My map says that I was supposed to take a right at the candy cane forest!
(Anthony suddenly runs into a bench and trips over it, his bag goes flying and hits a woman and her small child.)
Anthony: Oh my gosh! I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SORRY!
Random Woman: At least little Patrick is alright!
Small Child: My name isn't Patrick, its Charlie!
Random Woman: Sorry Patrick!
(While the Random Woman and Small Child start to argue fiercely, Anthony decides to sneak away when he hears a high-pitched noise.)
Anthony: I must find out whatever is making that sound! I just hope it's not a demonic goat named Charles, that's my worst fear!
(Anthony slowly walks over to the building from where he hears the noise coming from, at the highest window is a pretty looking blonde who is petting a demonic goat named Charles.)
Anthony: I just might be able to overcome my fear of demonic goats in order to meet that blonde woman.
(The woman suddenly starts to sing in a very light, high-pitched voice a song about more bird metaphors than should be legal.)
Anthony: I love her even more and I don't even know her name!
Johanna: If only someone would be willing to rescue me from the hands of my perverted father, oh look a boy whose name I don't even know is staring at me like he has fallen in love with me!
Anthony: Holy snap! The pretty woman is looking at me! Maybe she's praying for me to rescue her from whatever is keeping her hostage!
(A really messed up looking Beggar Woman suddenly sneaks up next to Anthony.)
Beggar Woman: PINEAPPLE! PINEAPPLE! Pineapple for a really sad lady who has nothing except the clothes on her back?
Anthony: AAAAA! GET BACK! Wait… Pineapple?
Beggar Woman: Yes, PINEAPPLE! I am a poor beggar woman and I want some nice, yellow pineapple!
Anthony: Shouldn't you be begging for alms? I have eighteen cents with me that I would be willing to give for you.
Beggar Woman: I am a crazy, old beggar woman and I want PINEAPPLE!
Anthony: O-kay! O-kay! I don't have any pineapple on me, but I still have those eighteen cents, oh look! I'll also throw in this Lego minifigure of Darth Vader that I just found in my pocket.
Beggar Woman: I'll take the eighteen cents, but you can keep the minifigure, I already have one of Darth Vader. How about I tell you about that woman who you have fallen in love with?
Anthony: AW YES!
Beggar Woman: Well her name is Johanna and she is held captive by the most perverted judge in allllllllllllllllllll of London, Judge Turpin!
Anthony: Twenty L's! He must be REALLY perverted! Thank you for that, here is the eighteen cents that I promised you.
Beggar Woman: I am totally going to add this to my collection of money and colorful rocks!
(The Beggar Woman happily skips away; Anthony sets his bag down on the bench and stares happily at Johanna.)
Anthony: I feeeeeeeeel you Johanna… Wait what? This sounds really dirty, like I'm feeling Johanna up.
Johanna: OH MAH GOSH! The boy who loves me is SINGING a romantic song to me!
(Johanna quickly opens her window and carefully listens to the beautiful words that are going to come out of the boy's mouth.)
Anthony: Aw screw it; I have nothing else to sing. I FEEEEEEL YOU JOHANNNA!
Johanna: … Did he just say he would feel me? THAT'S SO ROMANTIC! Take me strange boy; take me for I am yours!
(The door to The Judge's house suddenly opens; Judge Turpin sticks his head out from behind the door and glares at Anthony.)
Judge Turpin: WHOOO MAH FIRST LINE! I mean, you there child! Will you come in for a moment?
Anthony: Give me ONE good reason, why I should enter your home!
Judge Turpin: I have chocolate pudding!
Anthony: AW YES! You sir, have convinced me to enter whatever horrors your house has!
(Judge Turpin leads Anthony to his office that has the library of inappropriate books for anyone under the age of sixty. The Beadle crawls out from under The Judge's desk and hands Anthony a bowl of granola bars.)
Anthony: What the hecky Becky? I WAS PROMISED CHOCOLATE PUDDING AND THIS IS NOT PUDDING!
Judge Turpin: Well, I lied. So… Are you like a sailor?
(Anthony instantly forgets about the pudding as he remembers his sailing days upon the S.S. Mr. Krabs.)
Anthony: You bet your creepy gold pants I'm a sailor! I have seen SO much like the mountains of Peru and the great pirate legend, Jack Sparrow!
Judge Turpin: I would kill two goats and a virgin to get my hands on Jack Sparrow's tan skin… I mean, I saw you gazing lustfully at my ward.
Anthony: Whoa… What? I never gazed lustfully at your ward; I only sang my questionable love to her.
Judge Turpin: Your actions have cut me deep. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS TO SING TO JOHANNA!
Anthony: There's no need to yell, if you really loved Johanna you would let her out every once and a while.
Judge Turpin: HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY PARENTING METHODS! I AM THE BEST FATHER THAT THERE EVER WILL BE! I WATER JOHANNA TWICE A WEEK AND LET HER SIT IN THE SUNLIGHT ALL DAY!
Anthony: I think you have Johanna confused with a houseplant.
Judge Turpin: Oh s*censor*! Beadle, teach this man a lesson then take away the houseplant's needlepoint and stop watering Johanna!
(The Beadle pops out of the bookshelf and gives The Judge his best sad look.)
Beadle: Are you sure that you want to take away the plant's needlepoint? It has created a very nice picture of London burning to the ground.
Judge Turpin: I don't care if you let the plant continue its needlepoint or if you give it too- wait a gosh darn diddly second! How does a plant do needlepoint?
Beadle: This is a parody, it's supposed to be full of randomness and break the laws of physics.
Judge Turpin: FINE. You sailor child, if you EVER walk by my incredibly awesome house again OR gaze lustfully at my ward, I shall… I shall… Um… I shall do something not good! Beadle take this sailor outside and teach him a lesson!
Beadle: Anything for you, my love.
Judge Turpin: SHHH! Do we want the readers to know that we have quite the gay thing going on between us?!
Beadle: No.
Judge Turpin: I'm glad we had this talk, now GO NOW, GO NOW AND LEAVE ME!
(The Beadle drags Anthony outside and gives him the beating of his life with his fancy dancy retractable cane. To finish off his lesson, The Beadle throws Anthony's bag on top of him.)
Anthony: That hurt… Wait a second! Those ass cravats filled my bag with CHOCOLATE PUDDING! AW YES! TONIGHT I EAT!
(Anthony slowly limps away from The Judge's home, no one on the busy street notices the bloody man.)
End of Chapter Four