Lucy watched as the orange hues of the sunlight grew more intense with each passing minute. The air was still warm and she felt the fabric of her skirt brushing against her legs in the soft breeze. "That will be $11.58." The figure from inside the food truck said, holding out the foil wrapped food. Bucky reached into his pocket to retrieve the amount, and then traded for the items.
Handing one of the two hamburgers and the takeout box of fries to Lucy, they turned and walked past the line that had formed behind them and headed down the sidewalk. "I still can't believe you convinced Coulson to let us leave the bus." Lucy commented.
Bucky grinned and answered, "I don't think he ever stood a chance. I mean, who could say no to this irresistible face?" Bucky looked at Lucy with the biggest puppy dog eyes he could muster and she couldn't help but laugh at his ridiculousness. He laughed along with her, but inside his heart constricted. He missed seeing that smile. Ever since the incident during training she hadn't quite been the same, and he hardly ever got to see her happy. He hated it and he now found himself wishing he could make the moment last forever.
"I think he was feeling bad for letting everyone else get the day off and not us." Bucky said, more seriously.
Lucy shifted the box in her hand and replied, "Still, I don't think he would've said yes if I had been the one to ask." Bucky merely shrugged and watched the cars passing by. A block ahead, Lucy spotted the park they were looking for and the crossed the last stretch of sidewalk in silence. When they arrived they both glanced around the area to see a large grassy area, a few picnic tables by a row of trees, and a playground to the left.
The sun had started to set and the park was empty aside from a group of teenagers playing Frisbee in the grass, and an older couple talking at one of the tables. Seeing that the playground was uninhabited, Lucy suggested the swings.
Bucky shrugged, "Why not." He said with a smile. Lucy felt the wood chips crunch under her shoes as they made their way across the playground to the row of swings. The chains jangled as they eased into the swings that were far too short for their adult legs, and Bucky let out a satisfied sigh as he unwrapped his hamburger and took a bite.
"Everyone seems to be pretty busy these days." Lucy commented as she nibbled on a few of the fries.
Bucky's swing squeaked quietly as he drifted back and forth. "Yeah, they must've found something good in Maine." Bucky could see a familiar expression coming over her face so he added quickly, "I'm sure they'll ask us to help soon. We'll get HYDRA, don't worry."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that." She said, pulling at the foil wrapping.
"What do you mean?" Bucky questioned. "May and Coulson are back at the hub right now, rounding up resources."
"Well, I may have took a peek at their files." She answered, almost with a hint of shame.
Bucky chuckled and shook his head, "Of course you did. How'd you manage it this time?" He asked.
Lucy looked up to see a smile on his face and she couldn't help but smirk. "I'd like to take the credit, but I'm not sure I deserve it. Hunter never logs out, it wasn't exactly rocket science." Bucky simply laughed.
"So, spill the beans, what are they working on?" He asked before taking another bite.
"They're not going to help us Buck." She replied quietly, focusing her eyes on her lap.
Bucky swallowed and hesitated a moment in silence before answering, "What, like not at all? Why wouldn't they? They've got as much a problem with HYDRA as we do."
"I don't know." Lucy shrugged. "They got plenty of leads from Maine, but it doesn't look like they're acting on any of it. All I could find was a bunch of stuff related to some 'obelisk'. Whatever that is."
Bucky was thoughtful for a minute. "Well maybe it's something that won't take very long. I'm sure as soon as they're done with whatever it is they'll be able to get back to helping us track down HYDRA agents." He said, trying to stay positive and reassuring.
"But what if they don't?" She asked, unconvinced by his optimism. "What if this isn't just a 'quick mission'. What if they're on this for a long time, meanwhile we're left to just sit around, waiting to be useful. I don't know if I can do that Bucky, I don't think I could live with myself."
Memories from when he had said that same final phrase to her several months earlier rushed into his mind. It had been a particularly bad day in terms of reminiscent flashbacks and he could remember the feeling of absolute emptiness within him. The feeling of having nothing left to give, no more energy to care. She had then told him the story of one of her former patients, Roy, he recalled. It was one of the rare occasions he had ever seen her cry, and she had made him promise to never do to her what Roy had.
Seriously, he replied, "Lou, you're not saying—"
"No, no, I would never." She said quickly, but deep inside she wondered if things had been much different, if she still would've believed that statement. "I just…" She said trailing off.
"Trust me, it's going to work out." Bucky said, not knowing what else to say.
Bucky shrugged, "You're smart, and you're tough. You got me through more than anyone had thought possible, and you never cease to amaze me. If you can do that, I know you can make it through this."
"But that's just it, don't you get it?" She said, her voice cracking just slightly. Bucky just looked at her, his silence telling her that he didn't. "All those things that I told you, that I told everyone else, they were such lies, and I feel like such an incredible idiot for even saying them. How could I think I was doing them any good? That I was doing you any good? All those times I thought I was sincere, but now I can see all I was doing was giving them false hope."
"Lou, it wasn't false hope." Bucky said in protest, but she wouldn't look up to meet his eyes.
Lucy simply shook her head, "I was such an idiot for thinking I understood, that I could relate to their pain. I didn't know anything about the subject! I just kept telling them that 'everything would be okay', and that 'it just took time', but what did I know? I'd never experienced anything like what they've been through, or what you have for that matter. The worst part is that now I have, and now I can see how utterly ridiculous everything I said was. I'm really sorry Bucky, honestly and sincerely I am."
"For what? For helping me?" Bucky asked incredulously. "Lou, I don't know where this is coming from, but you've got to believe me, what you did was probably the greatest thing someone has ever done for me." Lucy looked up at him tentatively and he saw a glossiness about her eyes and he could tell she was fighting hard not to break down. "I may not have believed you at first when you told me that I was going to be okay in the end, but the fact that you sincerely did, is the reason I'm still here. It was your undying optimism and faith in me that kept me going, and eventually led me to see it and believe it for myself."
"I was so naïve, Bucky." She protested.
"So?" He asked with a laugh. "What difference does it make? You helped tons of people, myself included. Don't you think that's proof enough that you were doing something right? People have been able to overcome immense mental and emotional obstacles. And have been able to go on to lead fulfilling lives because you were 'naïve' and gave them 'false hope'."
Lucy brushed away a tear that had broken through and fallen on her cheek. He was probably right, she knew, but something within her just wouldn't let herself believe it yet. "So what am I supposed to do if I don't believe it? Are you going to just wait around until I do?"
"If that's what it takes." Bucky said without hesitation.
Lucy looked down at her lap again, unable to hold his gaze. "You deserve to be out enjoying your life. Going on missions with the team at the very least. You don't deserve to have to watch after me. I'm really not worth saving anyway, I'm just one of HYDRA's monsters."
"Well I guess it's a good thing then that I'm a monster too." Bucky replied matter of factly before reaching over and taking a handful of fries from the box in Lucy's hands.
Lucy's forehead wrinkled and she turned her head to look at him. "No—no you're not a monster, why would you say that?"
"Why do you say you are?" He asked with a knowing smirk.
"Buck, I've killed countless people, innocent people. But it's not just that, I killed them in my own hands, felt the life leave them. And I liked it Bucky. I enjoyed every minute of it." She said.
"What you don't think I did too?" He asked with a laugh. "Or whatever souped-up, demented version of me that HYDRA put out there? You keep saying you're alone, that nobody could possibly understand the things you've done. But I'm right here Lou, and I'm not leaving, no matter how many times you push me away." Bucky watched her fidget with the food in her hands, clearly at war with her mind. "You know, someone really smart once told me that I was too busy seeing myself as the villain that I never realized I was the victim."
Lucy closed her eyes, knowing it was what she had told him a few months prior. As much as she wanted to deny it, she knew arguing with him wasn't going to gain her any ground. They sat in silence for a few minutes, the couple at the picnic table having since gotten up and left. Every once in a while one of the shouts of glee from the Frisbee playing teenagers made it to their ears, but the only other things they heard were the occasional car passing by, and the continuous faint squeaking of the empty swings beside them drifting in the breeze.
"I still don't think I can stay cooped up with the team knowing that they aren't going after HYDRA directly. I need to know that they will be stopped and no one else ever has to go through what we have." Lucy finally said, after a period of silence.
"Then maybe we'll just have to do it ourselves." Bucky answered.
Lucy looked at him and raised an eyebrow questioningly. "What, like leave the team and go after them on our own?"
Bucky shrugged, "Why shouldn't we? If everyone else is too busy then what's the harm in taking our own assignments."
"Do you really think Coulson would allow that?" She asked.
"What are they going to do? Lock us up at base and not let us leave?" He asked mockingly. His joke produced a small laugh from Lucy and it made him happy to see her smile again, even if just for a brief moment.