Sweeney Todd Parody
Chapter Five- Pirelli's Magical Elixir/ The Contest
VerucaBeyotch- I am glad that I sent you down memory lane, watch out for the banana people though, they have a fierce bite! I have never seen Daredevil but I bet it's pretty cool. LOVE YA BACK.
Random Note Thingy: Hello readers! I went back to chapter four and re-wrote it, so it would be better. Feel free to go back to that chapter to read the new version of it.
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN SWEENEY TODD, SADLY!
(The camera finally returns to our main characters, they have just entered a large market place. Mrs. Lovett looks thrilled while Sweeney has an expression of pure rage on his face.)
Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, what do you think the consequence would be for killing everyone here?
Mrs. Lovett: You would be hung. Now where is he, he's here EVERY Thursday!
Sweeney: Who's here every Thursday, can I kill him?
Mrs. Lovett: Do I need to put you on a leash? YOU ARE KILLING NO ONE!
(Mrs. Lovett suddenly realizes that the few market people that are around them are staring at the both of them in horror.)
Mrs. Lovett: Come now love, we don't want to be late to his show.
(Mrs. Lovett drags Sweeney over to a stage; a young boy is starting to bang a drum to announce the start of the show.)
Toby: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?
Sweeney: You may ask for my attention, but you may not have it.
Toby: Do you wake every morning in shame and despair, to discover your pillow is covered in hair?
Mrs. Lovett: I do despise when that happens to me.
Sweeney: I do wake up in shame and despair but not because, I've lost my hair. Mostly because my wife is dead and my daughter is being held hostage by The Judge, WHO IS STILL ALIVE!
(Once more, the people around Sweeney stare at him and take a few large steps away from the barber.)
Toby: Well ladies and gentlemen; from now on you can waken with ease. You will never again have a worry or care, for I will show you a miracle, marvelous rare.
Sweeney: THANK GOD! Your mystery liquid will finally kill The Judge, rescue my daughter and make Mrs. Lovett stop staring lustfully at my pinstriped pants!
Mrs. Lovett: Nothing can make me stop staring lustfully at you.
Toby: Gentlemen you are about to see something what rose from the dead…
Sweeney: Do you mean Mrs. Lovett?
Mrs. Lovett: That's not nice!
Toby: On the top of my head!
Sweeney: You sir have lied to me, your magical hair growth formula won't help me kill The Judge! MISLEADING ADVERTISMENT!
(Toby rips off his hat to show off his blond hair, the crowd gasps in awe.)
Mrs. Lovett: OH MY GOD, IT'S HANNAH MONTANNA! She's beautiful!
Toby: 'Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, that's what did the trick sir, true, sir, true! Was it quick sir? Did it in a tick sir, just like an elixir ought to do!
(Toby tosses several bottles of the elixir into the crowd; one bottle hits an elderly woman, while Sweeney catches another bottle.)
Sweeney: What's this, what's this? There's white stuff everywhere!
Mrs. Lovett: Wrong character, dear!
Sweeney: I mean, what is this? Smells like piss!
Mrs. Lovett: Smells like- EW! That's not sanitary!
Sweeney: YO HANNAH MONTANNA, WHO THE HECKY RUNS THIS PLACE?!
Toby: Oh noes! Your talking in Caps Lock has summoned Pirelli!
Pirelli: I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR CAPS LOCK! I mean- I-am-a-Adolfo-Pirelli-the-king-of-the-barbers-the-barbers-of-the-kings!
Sweeney: S*censor*'is about to get real.
Pirelli: Who-a-have-a-nerve-a-to-say-a-that-my-elixir-a-is-piss-a? I-shall-a-beat-the-living-s*censor-a*out-of-you-a!
Mrs. Lovett: Go Mr. T, it's your time to shine!
Sweeney: I PITY A FOO, I mean- time to kick some Pirelli ass! YO PIRELLI, MY NAME IS SWEENY TODD I LIVE ON FLEET STREET AND I THINK YOUR ELIXIR IS MADE OUT OF PISS AND INK!
(The crowd gasps when they hear Sweeney question Pirelli's magical elixir.)
Pirelli: You-are-a-most-foolish-man-to-question-my-elixir-a!
Sweeney: Oh yeah? Well I challenge you to a SHAVE OFF! My awesome, 100% real silver razors against… Five pounds!
(The crowd gasps once more, several women swoon at the idea of two men having a shave off.)
Pirelli: I-a-accept-a-your-challenge-a! Street-Urchin-a-bring-a-over-a-chair-a-and-a-towel-a!
(Toby rushes off and quickly returns with the requested items, the crowd passes up an old chair.)
Sweeney: Who's for a free shave?
(The crowd starts to jump up and down, cheering wildly; Mrs. Lovett is the loudest though.)
Sweeney: Not you, not you, not you, Mrs. Lovett? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE FACIAL HAIR! Not you, not you, not you, aw what the heck, YOU!
(The two men that have been picked for a free shave quickly sit down and get the towel/blanket that all barbers use tossed over them.)
Sweeney: This shave off is missing something…. Something important… a Judge! Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?
Beadle: AW YES! I mean, I am glad as always to help my friends and neighbors out.
Sweeney: No one's your friend. No one likes you.
Beadle: That hurts, that really hurts. I guess I'll just start the shave off; the fastest smoothest shave is the winner!
Sweeney: I am SO beating you!
Pirelli: Negative-a-Mr. Todd-a! I-a-will-a-be-a-the-one-a-to-beat-you-a!
Beadle: Can you two stop bickering for thirty seconds, so I can get this shave off started?
Sweeney: FINE.
Pirelli: FINE-A!
Beadle: On my mark… Get ready… GOOOOOOO!
(Both barbers instantly move into action, the second The Beadle starts the contest. Pirelli starts to slather some shaving cream on his guy while Sweeney examines his razors.)
Pirelli: Now signorini, signorini, we mix a the lather. But first you a gather around. Signorini, signori, you be looking at the man who have had the glory to shave a the Pope!
Sweeney: I really don't care, who you have shaved.
Pirelli: Mr. Sweeney whoever, I beg-a you pardon, you'll probably say it was only a cardinal, nope! It was the Pope!
Sweeney: I won't be saying it's anybody; I'm to be focusing on shaving this guy so I can beat you!
(Pirelli continues to sing about shaving people as Sweeney examines his man.)
Pirelli: It take-a the GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!
(Half of the crowd goes deaf over Pirelli's super high note, while Pirelli is distracted by singing higher than any human being should ever sing Sweeney strikes.)
Sweeney: And… I win!
Beadle: The winner is Todd!
(The crowd cheers for Sweeney, Sweeney frowns and starts to clean his razor.)
Mrs. Lovett: WHOOO MR. T! I knew you had it in you!
(Sweeney gives Mrs. Lovett a death glare as Pirelli walks up to him.)
Pirelli: I-a-am-a-glad-a-that-a-you-a-won-a!
Sweeney: Sure you are, where is the five pounds that I was promised if I kicked yo' ass?
Pirelli: Here-a, here-a-is-a-the-a-five-a-pound-a, may-a-God-shine-down-on-a-you-a!
Sweeney: Hey there's The Beadle standing all alone, I think I'm going to go over to him and kill him.
(Sweeney swiftly walks away from a very confused Pirelli; Pirelli after a few seconds of confusion shrugs his shoulders and begins to beat up his street urchin because he lost. Mrs. Lovett soon catches up to Sweeney.)
Mrs. Lovett: What are you doing? Why is that creepy grin on your face? You do realize, I won't let you kill anyone while there is this many people, right?
Sweeney: I do what I want, devil woman. Hello Beadle, it's always a pleasure to see you.
Beadle: You're Mr. Sweeney Todd right?
Sweeney: The one and only.
Beadle: You can expect me to see you in your shop, by the end of the week.
(Sweeney watches The Beadle walk away with an evil smile on his face.)
Sweeney: Soon The Beadle will be mine to kill! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
End of Chapter Five