Sweeney Todd Parody
Chapter Seven- Pirelli's Death
VerucaBeyotch- Indeed, what the f*** was that? (Waves finger angrily at muse) my muse has really gotten out of hand. I really should do something about my out of control muse, before this parody gets really disturbing.
(Sweeney wakes up three and a half hours later, Mrs. Lovett and Anthony are not in the shop but a demonic goat named Charles is standing over him.)
Sweeney: Hello Charles!
(The demonic goat named Charles, gives a bone-chilling shriek and leaps away from the barber as there's a loud knock on the barber shop door. Sweeney quickly stands up and sees that Pirelli is at his door.
Sweeney: Come in! Come in!
(Pirelli enters his shop, wearing his ridiculous blue outfit.)
Sweeney: Where's your street urchin?
Pirelli: Your-a-woman-a-is-a-feeding-a-him-a!
Sweeney: Poor street urchin, he won't survive the night.
Pirelli: What-a?
Sweeney: Nothing sir, nothing at all.
Pirelli: You know I remember when I was an apprentice to you.
Sweeney: YO! WHERE DID YOUR ITALIAN ACCENT GO?!
Pirelli: I'm not Italian, I'm British and I like your shop. You must get quite the income….
(Meanwhile downstairs Mrs. Lovett is staring at Toby's long blond hair with envy.)
Mrs. Lovett: You have such beautiful hair, Hannah Montana.
Toby: I'm not Hannah Montana, and this even isn't my real hair.
(Toby yanks off the blond wig, revealing brown hair that is sticking up all over the place.)
Mrs. Lovett: YOU ARE NOT HANNAH MONTANA! YOU HAVE LIED TO ME!
Toby: I have lied to you! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Can I have a meat pie, now that we are past the whole Hannah Montana?
Mrs. Lovett: Sure thing!
(Mrs. Lovett happily serves Toby a meat pie, Toby digs in the second he gets it.)
Mrs. Lovett: Does Pirelli not feed you?
Toby: I get fed some, do you have any gin?
Mrs. Lovett: Of course I do! I 100% support alcoholism in children!
(Meanwhile upstairs, Sweeney is staring sadly at his dresser while Pirelli talks on and on about his plans for the barber shop.)
Pirelli: Then after I've gotten a bit of money from you, I think I'll re-decorate in pink. Pink is a nice, manly color.
(Sweeney continues looking sadly at his dresser, ignoring Pirelli completely.)
Pirelli: are you even listening to me, Mr. Sweeney Todd?
Sweeney: NO ONE TAKES AWAY THE GLOOM AND DESPAIR FROM MY SHOP!
(Sweeney grabs the tea kettle that is just starting to whistle and starts to whack Pirelli.)
Pirelli: OW!
Sweeney: I'M A LITTLE TEA POT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT!
Pirelli: I'M DYING! HELP!
Sweeney: I AM VIOLENT!
(Sweeney finishes beating the life out of Pirelli and collapses into his chair.)
Sweeney: Much violence.
(Meanwhile downstairs, Toby hears the thump of Pirelli falling to the ground and looks up in confusion as the upstairs. Mrs. Lovett starts to whack pots and pans together to try and make it look like, the thumping sound came from her.)
Mrs. Lovett: Spick and span, that's my motto.
Toby: Your shop looks like it hasn't been cleaned in fifteen years.
Mrs. Lovett: That's not very nice.
Toby: OMG! Your bewitching ways have made me forget that Pirelli has an appointment with his tailor to make his tights even tighter!
Mrs. Lovett: Can't you stay? I would hate for you to go back to that monster.
Toby: Sorry nice lady, but I can't stay. If I do, Pirelli will beat the living crap out of me!
(Toby starts to run up the stairs, Sweeney hears his footsteps and instantly perks up.)
Sweeney: I best clean this up; with my trusty friend Mr. Mop I can do anything!
(Toby's foot hits a step; Sweeney cleans up the blood with Mr. Mop with the energy of someone who just drank 100 cups of coffee. Toby's foot hits another step; Sweeney shoves Pirelli into the placed body shaped trunk. Toby's foot hits the second to last stair; Sweeney dances the waltz with Mr. Mop. Toby bursts into the room, to find the barber sitting on the trunk and holding a mug of tea.)
Sweeney: Why hello there, my young friend!
Toby: I'm not your friend; you didn't give me free food and alcohol. Where's Pirelli?
Sweeney: Uh… Pirelli left… He went to the market to buy some… Blueberries.
Toby: Seems legit.
(Pirelli's hand suddenly twitches, luckily Toby doesn't see it.)
Sweeney: Why don't you get going? I'm sure you'll find Pirelli in the market place.
Toby: Okay! I'll come back later to visit you!
Sweeney: NO DO NOT COME BACK! I mean, if you leave right now, tell Mrs. Lovett I told you to give you a nice big thing of gin! I too, support alcoholism in children.
Toby: AW YES!
(Toby runs off to get that gin, the second he leaves, Sweeney flips open the trunk.)
Pirelli: T-that wasn't… V-very nice.
Sweeney: I'm not a nice person.
(Sweeney holds onto Pirelli's throat and cuts it, blood splatters all over, staining Sweeney's sleeves. Pirelli gurgles and chokes then dies; Sweeney pushes him back into the trunk and starts to wipe the blood off his razor. Mrs. Lovett suddenly enters the barber shop.
Mrs. Lovett: That street urchin will drink me out of my house.
(Mrs. Lovett suddenly notices the amount of blood that is on Sweeney.)
Mrs. Lovett: OMG! What did you do?! Where is Pirelli!?
Sweeney: Pirelli went bye-bye.
Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, you didn't!
Sweeney: I did! Check the trunk!
(Mrs. Lovett slowly opens the trunk, the instant the trunk is open she turns away from the mess.)
Mrs. Lovett: That's a lot of blood.
Sweeney: There's a lot of blood in the human body.
Mrs. Lovett: You're starting to scare me a bit, Mr. T.
Sweeney: I only killed him because he tried to blackmail me. I don't do well with intimidation, it makes me feel icky.
Mrs. Lovett: Well. I was scared for a moment there; I really thought you had lost your marbles.
Sweeney: I lost my marbles a long time ago; I'm just very good at hiding my insanity.
(Sweeney turns to look out the window and gasps loudly; Judge Turpin is outside with The Beadle and quickly approaching his shop.)
Sweeney: Holy s*censor*! OMG! OMG! THE FRICK-FRACKING JUDGE IS HERE!
Mrs. Lovett: He is? Well that's wonderful! I'll be downstairs, call if you need me.
Sweeney: THE JUDGE IS HERE! THE JUDGE IS HERE! I CAN FINALLY KILL HIM!
(Sweeney suddenly catches the reflection of himself in his mirror and sees that his shirt is covered in blood.)
Sweeney: OH NOES! MY SHIRT IS COVERED IN BLOOD! NO! NO! WHAT AM I TO DO!? MRS. LOVETT DO YOU HAVE A SHIRT, NO OF COURSE YOU DON'T YOU'RE A WOMAN! MRS. LOVETT, YOUR LADY PARTS HAVE RUNIED MY REVENGE! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?
Mrs. Lovett: Whoa, that's a lot of caps lock. Why don't you just put a jacket over your shirt?
Sweeney: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!
(Sweeney quickly pulls on a jacket as The Judge starts to climb up the stairs.)
Sweeney: Get out of here, before you ruin my revenge with your quick thinking and brilliant plans!
(Mrs. Lovett leaves, by climbing out the window just as The Judge knocks on the door.)
Sweeney: Come in!
End of Chapter Seven
Ooooooh Cliffhanger!
Well it's not like you guys and girls, don't know what's going to happen to our homicidal barber and perverted judge.
SwEeNeY tOdD fOr PrEsIdEnT 2020