Sweeney Todd Parody

Chapter Eight-Pretty Women

I apologize for the wait my friends, life and school got busy and I was forced to take a break from this. Another important thing that you guys should know is that I'm not going to continue my story, Son of a Witch. I have has some fun times writing it, but honestly I'm out of ideas and it's gotten a bit too weird for my taste.

VerucaBeyotch: I do not support alcoholism in children; my muse got high off sharpies and decided to get really weird. What type of kitty do you have? I feel your pain in pets walking all over keyboards; I have a puppy that loves to walk all over my keyboard.

(The judge enters Sweeney's barber shop and glares at Sweeney.)

Sweeney: Why hello Judge Turpin!

Judge Turpin: How do you know me?

Sweeney: I secretly stalk you and watch you every night… I mean who in this world doesn't know you?

Judge Turpin: Well, that seems legit.

Sweeney: What can I do today for you sir? A stylish trimming of the hair? A soothing skin massage? Slitting your throat? Sit, sir, sit.

Judge Turpin: You see sir a man infatuated with love, her ardent and eager slave. So fetch the pomade and pumice stone and lend me a more seductive tone, a sprinkling perhaps of French cologne but first sir I think a shave.

Sweeney: What a sexy voice you have, I mean, the closest I ever gave.

(Sweeney puts the blanket/towel thing around the judge and prepares his shaving stuff.)

Sweeney: Well this is awkward… Hey I know what will make this less awkward! Whistling!

(Sweeney starts to whistle as the judge gives him a confused look, the angst filled barber he knows rarely whistles.)

Judge Turpin: In a merry mood today, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: 'Tis your delight sir catching fire from one man to the next.

Judge Turpin: I never knew my creepiness could spread to others! 'Tis true sir love can still inspire the blood to pound, the heart leap higher, what more?

Sweeney: What more? Your blood is going to spill over the floor.

Judge Turpin: What was that? I shall leave if you keep interrupting my singing.

Sweeney: No, no, no! Do not leave! I promise I won't interrupt your singing anymore!

Judge Turpin: Okay… Where was I?

(Judge Turpin pulls out a script and starts to flip through it to find where he was, Sweeney comes over and points to their location.)

Sweeney/ Judge Turpin: Can both men require?

Judge Turpin: Then love sir?

Sweeney: More than love, sir?

Judge Turpin: Are you talking about women?

Sweeney: Yes.

Judge Turpin: Ah yes women.

Sweeney: Pretty women….Soon I shall spill your rubies.

Judge Turpin: You're starting to scare me… Who cares though, I need a shave and you are clearly a man to be trusted!

(Judge Turpin starts to hum as Sweeney whistles for a moment it's almost peaceful, until Sweeney decides to continue his plan of killing the judge.)

Judge Turpin: Do you hear that mysterious music?

Sweeney: That mysterious music always plays when I sing. Now then my friend, now to your purpose.

Judge Turpin: Even though I am barely a foot away from you, I somehow cannot hear you singing to your razor about killing me.

Sweeny: It's not a razor, its name is Timothy!

Judge Turpin: You're still scaring me.

Sweeney: Patience, enjoy it. Revenge can't be taken in-

Judge Turpin: Make haste in this work and you'll be commended sir-

Sweeney: My lord, and who may it be said is your intended sir?

Judge Turpin: My ward, pretty as a rosebud.

Sweeney: Timothy, you are the only one holding me back from killing this perverted scum of the Earth.

Judge Turpin: My you scare me-o- meter is at 120%.

Sweeney: Pretty as her mother.

Judge Turpin: What? What was that?

(Sweeney starts to slowly shave the judge as he continues their odd song.)

Sweeney: Nothing sir, nothing. I am going to have so much fun killing you. Pretty women, fascinating, sipping coffee, dancing. Pretty women are a wonder, pretty women sitting in the window or standing on the stair. Something in them cheers the air, pretty women.

Judge Turpin: Silhouetted.

Sweeney: Stay within you.

Judge Turpin: Glancing….

Sweeney: Stay forever. Once more this song is going into perverted city.

Judge Turpin: My cousin lives there! Breathing lightly.

Sweeney: Pretty women, pretty women! At this point I am too full of anger to care what happens and I seem to have tricked you by singing about women, so I'm going to continue doing just that.

(Judge Turpin is too into the song to notice that Sweeney's razor is getting dangerously close to his jugular vein.)

Judge Turpin: Blowing out their candles.

Sweeney: Or combing out their hair. Let's play a game! Why don't we name every activity that we've seen like three women do while my razor gets closer and closer to slitting your throat?

Judge Turpin: I love games! I especially love the games where you get to rape the loser!

Sweeney: Well I won't be losing this game.

Judge Turpin: Then they leave even when they leave you and vanish they somehow can remain there. They're there, ah pretty women.

Sweeney: I'll go first. At their mirrors.

Judge Turpin: In their gardens.

Sweeney: That's the best you could come up with?

Judge Turpin: I'll let you know, I've gotten plenty a women while strolling through their gardens!

Sweeney: Urge… To kill rising… Letter writing.

Judge Turpin: Flower picking.

Sweeney: Flower picking is another type of gardening! 2 points for Judge Turpin because you have a very nice singing voice, and 5, 000 points for Sweeney! You lose, you get nothing, good day sir!

Judge Turpin: Weather watching.

Sweeney: Let's play a new game, this game is called "I slit your throat and smile like a psychopath as you bleed to death."

Judge Turpin: How they make a man sing!

Sweeney: I guess I'll be the only one playing this new game. Proof of heaven as your living, pretty women.

(Sweeney starts to move in towards the kill, it's now or never.)

Sweeney: Sir, pretty women!

Judge Turpin: Pretty women!

Sweeney: Goodbye Judge Turpin, Pretty women!

Judge Turpin: Pretty women!

(Just as Sweeney is about to slit the judge's throat, Anthony bursts into the shop.)

Anthony: Mr. Todd! I found this really pretty girl named Johanna and she said that she would elope with me some time, we don't know when but soon!

Judge Turpin: Here I thought I was safe from the perverts that try to steal my Johanna; well I now know what kind of company you keep barber! You shan't be seeing me here again!

(Judge Turpin quickly exits with his face half shaved, he looks like an idiot.)

Anthony: Mr. Todd you need to help me!

Sweeney: You're going to pay for this, sailor boy.

Anthony: Mr. Todd, I really need you help!

Sweeney: Out.

Anthony: Mr. Todd, please!

Sweeney:OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!

(Anthony screams like a little girl and leaves the barber shop as fast as he can.)

Oh yes. Epiphany is up next, whenever I get back to this.

Sweeney TODD for PRESIDENT 2020