Sweeney Todd Parody
Chapter Nine- Epiphany
I apologize for the wait; I purposely waited until the weekend so I could have time to type this. One cannot rush through Epiphany; I have been waiting since I started this parody to mess with Epiphany.
VerucaBeyotch- I love huskies! Did you name her after the lion in The Lion King? I just looked at a picture of a Main Coon and they are quite the pretty cat. I have never watched WWATCF but I have seen the boat scene on YouTube and it terrifies me, especially that part where Willy Wonka starts screaming at everyone and sounds like a train.
Mrs. Lovett: What the frick-frack is going on?
Sweeney: I had him! His throat was there beneath my hand!
Mrs. Lovett: Well, we all must suffer defeat. This isn't the worst thing that could possibly happen to you, you could be sent to Australia and be gang raped by kangaroos!
Sweeney: Don't you dare remind me of what those kangaroos did to me!
Mrs. Lovett: Golly Goshkins, I'm sorry! Forget about the kangaroos and get back to complaining about Judge Turpin!
Sweeney: I can never forget what those kangaroos did to me.
Mrs. Lovett: You need to continue singing, or we'll both be fired for not sticking to the script.
Sweeney: His throat was there and now he'll never come again!
Mrs. Lovett: There you go! Easy now, hush love hush, I keep telling you, what's your rush?
(Sweeney doesn't answer as he flips rapidly through the script.)
Mrs. Lovett: That's your cue…
(Sweeney continues to flip through the script, he frowns as he throws the script to the ground and proceeds to light it on fire)
Mrs. Lovett: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Sweeney: I'm merely skipping ahead to the good parts, next time please don't yell in caps lock, half of the audience just went deaf.
(The scene starts to quickly change, Mrs. Lovett screams as she is sucked into the horrors of Sweeney's mind.)
Mrs. Lovett: Where are we?
Sweeney: My mind. Don't go down memory lane, an army of half banana, half human creatures have taken it over.
Mrs. Lovett: I am extremely confused to how we even got here, but who cares! Let's finish this scene!
Sweeney: Hey look, there's zombie Pirelli!
Zombie Pirelli: BRAAAAAAINS!
Mrs. Lovett: What did he say?
Sweeney: Who knows?
(Zombie Pirelli limps over to Mrs. Lovett and bites a chunk out of her skull; Sweeney seems unfazed by his actions.)
Sweeney: Well, I always knew one day I would have to kill Mrs. Lovett.
Zombie Mrs. Lovett: BRAAAAAINS!
Zombie Pirelli: BRAAAAAAAINS!
(Before either can attack Sweeney, the beggar woman leaps out from the shadows and starts to roundhouse kick the zombies in their faces.)
Sweeney: I'm starting to get extremely confused, what is going on?!
Beggar Woman: Oh that's an easy one, you're having a mental breakdown and your mind is starting to crumble. Don't worry, I have a mental breakdown eleven times a week and I'm perfectly fine!
Sweeney: Aren't you the one, I hear screaming at 3AM ever morning?
Beggar Woman: Okay, so I'm sort of fine.
Sweeney: That doesn't comfort me, look out!
(Zombie Mrs. Lovett suddenly bites The Beggar Woman's ankle as she goes to roundhouse kick her in the face.)
Sweeney: Well s*censor*! I better run!
(Sweeney starts to run before the zombies can catch him, he suddenly finds himself climbing upstairs that lead to a bell tower. By now the two zombies have turned all of London into zombies and they have surrounded the bell tower, Sweeney still seems unfazed.)
Sweeney: I've seen worse.
Mysterious Voice: Helloooooooo Sweeney Todd….
Sweeney: NO, NOT YOU! NOT MY KANGAROO RAPIST, STEVE!
Steve: BUT IT IS! I HAVE COME HERE ALL THE WAY FROM AUSTRALIA TO RAPE YOU!
Sweeney: THAT CANNOT BE! I KILLED YOU!
(The scene quickly changes to a dusty looking desert in Australia; next to Sweeney is the dead body of Steve as Sweeney wrestles The Crocodile Hunter.)
Crocodile Hunter: 'E's a tuff one! Don't worry mate, I'll get that skunk off yer head!
Sweeney: It's not a skunk; IT'S MY HAIR YOU IGNORANT SWINE!
(Sweeney yanks out a blood covered twig that has been sharpened and stabs The Crocodile Hunter in the throat. Blood sprays all over Sweeney)
Bambi: Mother! Wait a minute, why am I in Australia? Why am I calling The Crocodile Hunter my mother?
Thumper: I don't know! Wait a second, why am I in Australia?!
Bambi: Welcome to the club of, "animals that are not native to Australia!"
(A second Sweeney slowly walks into the scene and looks at the blood covered Sweeney and the terrified fawn and rabbit.)
Sweeney: Now, I'm really confused. One minute I was in a bell tower looking down at the zombies, now I've wandered into my memories!
Bambi: Were just as confused as you.
(Without a warning, the blood covered Sweeney gives a loud war cry and pounces on Bambi and Thumper. The scene fades until Sweeney is back at the bell tower, staring at Steve the rapist kangaroo.)
Steve: Now do you see how I got here?
Sweeney: Not really. You showed me how past me killed The Crocodile Hunter, you, Bambi, and Thumper.
Steve: Aw fudge cakes! I showed you the wrong memory!
(Steve disappears in a cloud of purple, sparkly smoke as an old man walks out of the bell tower.)
Judge Frollo: Who are you?!
Sweeney: WHO ARE YOU?!
Judge Frollo: The world is cruel, the world is wi-
(Before Judge Frollo can continue, Sweeney gives a high-pitched scream and stabs Frollo in the throat.)
Sweeney: DIE! DIE! DIE! STABBITY STAB STAB!
Sweeney: Now to deal with these zombies.
(There's suddenly a loud noise as a chainsaw rises out of the dead body of Frollo.)
Chainsaw: Hello, I am Gaston the talking chainsaw!
Sweeney: I don't care.
(Sweeney cuts off his hand, super glues the chainsaw on his hand, and leaps down from the bell tower. Some action music that vaguely sounds like the theme from Jurassic Park just sped up plays as Sweeney cuts through the herd of zombies.)
Gaston the Talking Chainsaw: THIS ISN'T VERY SANITARY!
Sweeney: I don't care. OMG, IS THAT BILLY MAYS?!
Zombie Billy Mays: BRAAAAAAINS THE POWER OF OXI CLEAN COMPELS YOU, BRAAAAAAINS!
(Zombie Billy Mays throws a container of Oxi Clean at Sweeney, everything turns black as Sweeney is knocked out.)
Mrs. Lovett: Oh cool, you're awake.
(Sweeney sits up and sees that he is in the barber shop, the barber shop is completely messed up with broken furniture.)
Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, what the frick-frack happened?
Mrs. Lovett: You completely flipped out after the judge left, I think you went on some sort of weird hallucination because you were ranting about zombies and you cut off your hand and replaced it with a chainsaw to kill the zombies.
Sweeney: So, you're saying you did nothing to stop me from cutting off my hand and replacing it with a chainsaw?
Mrs. Lovett: Nope!
(Sweeney revs his chainsaw-hand; Mrs. Lovett takes that as her cue to escape while she still can. The camera slowly backs away, as high-pitched screams and insane laughter fills the air.)
End of Chapter Nine
That should about wrap it up for mind warp central.
SWEENY TODDZ FOR PRESIDENT 2020