Sweeney Todd Parody

Chapter Ten- A Little Priest

VerucaBeyotch- Your husky sounds very cool and beautiful. I do not have any huskies; I have four dogs that I do not know the breeds of. They are all mixes and of different sizes, we have Olive who is smallest. Next is Biscuit who is medium sized, Bruce is slightly bigger than Biscuit, lastly there's Scruffy who is the biggest one. All I have to say about kangaroos raping people is that what happens in Australia stays in Australia.

(Mrs. Lovett drags Sweeney downstairs and pours him some gin.)

Sweeney: Oh no I couldn't, I've been gin free since prison.

Mrs. Lovett: DRINK IT!

Sweeney: Okay, okay!

(Sweeney chugs the gin as fast as he can, as Mrs. Lovett stands by the window and reflects on her life, she suddenly remembers that there is a dead man in the chest upstairs.)

Mrs. Lovett: Seems a downright shame…

Sweeney: Excuse me? I don't understand what you mean.

Mrs. Lovett: Seems an awful waste, such a nice plump frame, what's his name has- had.

Sweeney: Are you talking about Pirelli? Because if you are, I would be glad to join your random singing.

Mrs. Lovett: I am singing about Pirelli, and I am going to hold you to your word! Start singing!

Sweeney: Dang it. Oh well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Mrs. Lovett: Nor it can't be traced; business needs a lift debts to be erased. Think of it as thrift as a gift, if you get my drift? Seems an awful waste, I mean with the price of meat, what it is when you get it, if you get it. Are you kidding me? Do I need a large neon sign that says, "I want to cook people and sell them" above my head?

Sweeney: That would be nice.

(Mrs. Lovett yanks a red curtain off a window, only it's not a window it is a large neon sign that says "I want to cook people and sell them.)

Sweeney: So that's what you want.

Mrs. Lovett: Good you got it, take for instance Mrs. Moony and her pie shop.

Sweeney: What does Mrs. Moony have to do with this? Who is Mrs. Moony? Is she your imaginary friend? I won't judge you for having an imaginary friend.

Mrs. Lovett: You know I haven't had an imaginary friend since last year. Business never better using only pussycats and toast, and a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most!

Sweeney: Do I dare ask how you know how much meat pies you get from a cat? And why can't you just say "cat" like a normal person?

Mrs. Lovett: I'm not normal; I thought you would know that by now. And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!

Sweeney: I'm only slightly scared of what you do in your free time.

Mrs. Lovett: I could do you in my free time…

Sweeney: SWEET JESUS NO! Please continue your singing, and stop filling with my mind with images of us… Doing the do.

(Mrs. Lovett shoves a script into Sweeney's face; she opens it and points at the part that they are at.)

Sweeney: Oh. It's my line. Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, it does seem a waste.

Sweeney: Eminently practical, and yet appropriate as always!

Mrs. Lovett: It's an idea… Look Mr. T, I'm thinking!

Sweeney: Wonderful.

(Sweeney strolls over to Mrs. Lovett and grabs onto her, the two start to waltz around the kitchen.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh! I didn't know you could dance, Mr. T!

Sweeney: I can't.

(Their waltz of treachery is interrupted by Sweeney tripping on Mrs. Lovett's skirts, and falling to the floor. He pops up a second later and holds out his hand for Mrs. Lovett to take.)

Sweeney: Shall we continue?

Mrs. Lovett: Please. Do not trip again; you almost brought me down with you.

Sweeney: That's my goal Mrs. Lovett; if I fall I try to bring as much people down with me as I can.

Mrs. Lovett: I'll whack you with my magical rolling pin.

(They start to waltz again, this time much slower.)

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived without you all these years, I'll never know! How delectable, also undetectable!

Mrs. Lovett: I get all tingly when you say you've barely survived without me.

Sweeney: I'm just reading the script, devil woman.

Mrs. Lovett: Think about it, lots of other gentlemen, soon be coming in for a shave. Won't they? Think of all of them pies!

Sweeney: I don't want to think of "all them pies."

Mrs. Lovett: You better start, because you'll be supplying the meat for them.

Sweeney: That excites me; I do love the idea of being able to kill innocent people. How choice, how rare! For what's the sound of the world out there?

(The two happily skip over to the window and yank back the curtains to gaze hungrily at the people that are walking back and forth.)

Mrs. Lovett: What Mr. Todd, what Mr. Todd, what is that sound?

Sweeney: People walking? According to the script that's the wrong answer, even though that's the answer I would give.

Mrs. Lovett: Just script to the script, I have an appointment with my interior decorator in half a hour.

Sweeney: Oh hon, no interior decorator, could ever fix up this hellhole!

Mrs. Lovett: EXUUUUUSE ME?!

Sweeney: I mean, those crunching noises pervading the air!

Mrs. Lovett: Then who are we to deny it in here?

Sweeney: Must we turn to cannibalism? Cannibalism is deeply frowned upon in most societies.

Mrs. Lovett: Wrong character, dear.

Sweeney: These are desperate times Mrs. Lovett and desperate measures are called for!

Mrs. Lovett: So you finally agree with me on cannibalism?

Sweeney: God no! I'm just sticking to the script, wait a second, you're reading from the same script. You don't really support cannibalism do you?

Mrs. Lovett: I plead the fifth. Here we are, hot out of the oven!

(Mrs. Lovett takes a meat pie out of an oven, and places it on the table. Sweeney stares at it, like the meat pie has killed his family, well what remains of his family.)

Sweeney: What. Is. That?

Mrs. Lovett: It's priest. Have a little priest.

(Mrs. Lovett looks out of the window towards the church, there's a priest on the doorstep telling people that they're going to hell.)

Sweeney: I don't want to play your pretend games anymore, Lovett!

(Sweeney runs away from Mrs. Lovett, and would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids, I mean he would have gotten away if Mrs. Lovett hadn't stopped him with her magical rolling pin.)

Sweeney: Fine, I guess I have to pretend that whatever in god's name that is, is actually priest.

Mrs. Lovett: AW YES! I have someone to play with!

Sweeney: Is it really good?

Mrs. Lovett: Sir, it's too good at least! Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh, so it's pretty fresh.

(Sweeney turns away from Mrs. Lovett and returns to the window, Mrs. Lovett drops the meat pie on the floor and follows the barber.)

Sweeney: Awful lot of fat. Seriously, I'm trying to watch my figure so that I continue wearing these pinstriped pants.

Mrs. Lovett: Well that's interesting to hear, only where it sat.

(Sweeney quickly loses interest in the priest and turns to a poet. The poet seems to be reciting Shakespeare and holding a skull.)

Sweeney: Haven't you got poet or something like that?

Mrs. Lovett: Haven't you been paying attention? I don't have any poet, I only have pretend priest! Anyways, the trouble with poet is that you never know if it's deceased, so why don't you try the priest?

Sweeney: I am 234% I will get cancer from eating that meat pie.

Mrs. Lovett: PLAY WITH ME, PLAY WITH ME FOREVER!

Sweeney: Okay, okay! Heavenly! Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps but then again, not as bland as curate either!

Mrs. Lovett: And good for business too, always leaves you wanting more! Trouble is we only get it on Sundays! Lawyers rather nice.

Sweeney: I don't want any more, and yes lawyer is nice if it's for a price.

(Both turn towards a lawyer that's in the middle of the street. The lawyer is wearing glasses and has a briefcase, the briefcase suddenly opens and papers that all look like a brochure for a local Chinese restaurant spill all over.)

Mrs. Lovett: Order something else, though to follow. Since no one should swallow it twice!

Sweeney: You can trust me not to swallow anything that was once a human twice.

Mrs. Lovett: I have a magical rolling pin, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Sweeney: Anything that's lean, like I said I'm trying to watch my figure.

Mrs. Lovett: Well then if you're British and loyal, you might enjoy the Royal Marine!

(Both look outside the window and turn towards a figure in camouflage, the man is waving a giant skull and crossbones flag.)

Sweeney: He's certainly patriotic.

Mrs. Lovett: Anyway it's clean, though of course it tastes of wherever it's been!

Sweeney: If I'll be eating these pies, I'll be trying my gosh darn best not to taste it.

(Mrs. Lovett whacks Sweeney over the head with her magical rolling pin of magic.)

Mrs. Lovett: YOU GET WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DON'T THROW A FIT!

Sweeney: Okay, okay, Jesus woman! Is that squire on the fire?

(They both turn and look at a man, who is dressed up like some spazzy jester; the man is prancing around playing with a puppet and throwing confetti at small children.)

Mrs. Lovett: Mercy no sir, look closer, you'll notice its grocer!

Sweeney: I KNOW WHAT I SAW WOMAN!

Mrs. Lovett: No need to yell, your eyesight might be going because you're getting old.

Sweeney: You're older than me!

Mrs. Lovett: SO CRUEL!

Sweeney: Looks thicker, more like vicar!

(Near the priest, outside the window is a man dressed like the priest. This man is throwing small crosses at people, in hopes that they'll take them and go to his sermon.)

Mrs. Lovett: No, it has to be grocer, its green!

(A grocer rides past them, on a shopping cart.)

Sweeney: Is that man okay?

(The grocer smiles at them and crashes into the Beggar Woman, his shopping cart full of grapes spills all over the place.)

Mrs. Lovett: Eh, he'll be fine.

(Sweeney decides this is a brilliant time to start waltzing again.)

Sweeney: The history of the world my love.

Mrs. Lovett: Save a lot of graves, do a lot of relative's favors!

Sweeney: I fear what is going to happen to me, when I die.

Mrs. Lovett: No need to fear, Mr. T, I'll take care of you when you die.

Sweeney: That doesn't help comfort me. Is those below serving those up above.

Mrs. Lovett: Everybody shaves, so there should be plenty of flavors!

Sweeney: Yum. People pies.

Mrs. Lovett: Those above will serve those down below!

(The camera pans away from them as the writer of this story, realizes that she has written so much she needs to make A Little Priest into two parts.)

A Little Priest Part Two shall come soon.