Sweeney Todd Parody

A Little Priest Part Two

Random Note: For those of you reading my other story, DEPP LEGACY, I made a mistake. I accidently put up the wrong writing, the un-finished chapter instead of the completed chapter. I have fixed this mistake, the correct, finished chapter is up and I apologize for being an idiot.

VerucaBeyotch- I watched EXUUUUUUUUUUSE ME PRINCESS, and I now have images of Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett yelling EXUUUUUSE ME at each other. I now know why they didn't make Link talk; all he would say is that. What is with me putting random references to other things? Well this is a parody, I guess that random references are okay, but that explain why I do it in my other stories.

(There is an instrumental break from Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra, as Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett waltz. Thankfully Sweeney doesn't trip as Mrs. Lovett waltz's with him over to her counter.)

Sweeney: Enough with the waltzing!

Mrs. Lovett: I was done ten minutes ago, now aren't you going to question rather rudely what I'm holding in my hand?

(Sweeney stops waltzing with himself and glares at whatever is in Mrs. Lovett's hand.)

Sweeney: What. Is. That?

Mrs. Lovett: It's fop, finest in the shop, or we have some Sheppard's pie peppered with actual shepherd on top. And I've just begun, here's a politician so oily, it's served with a doily, have one?

Sweeney: Nope, nope, nopety, nope, nope!

Mrs. Lovett: Aw come on try it, it's not that bad.

Sweeney: Women, I literally watched you beat up a rat and make it into a meat pie for your pretend priest.

Mrs. Lovett: Do I need to use my magical rolling pin on you?

Sweeney: Put it on a bun, well you never know if it's going to run!

Mrs. Lovett: That's a good boy.

Sweeney: I AM NOT A GOOD BOY! I KICKED SANTA IN THE KNEECAP!

Mrs. Lovett: So? I once visited that nice, old Santa and you would not believe what we did! Let me just say Santa has the biggest-

(Sweeney suddenly puts his hand over Mrs. Lovett's mouth, to prevent her from going any further.)

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, there are children in the audience.

(Mrs. Lovett mutters something which vaguely sounds like, "I hate children.")

Sweeney: I hate them too, but do you really want a lawsuit on your hands for scarring children?

(Mrs. Lovett quickly shakes her head no, but says something that roughly translates too, "I have a lawyer.")

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, you are your own lawyer.

(Sweeney then decides it's a good idea to remove his hand from Mrs. Lovett's mouth, before she bites all of his fingers off. Hey, he needs those fingers to 'shave' customers.)

Mrs. Lovett: Don't ever do that again. Now where were we? Oh yes, try the friar, fried its drier.

Sweeney: That didn't even make sense. Eh, who cares, no the clergy is really too coarse and too mealy.

Mrs. Lovett: I'm the one who isn't making sense?

Sweeney: Shut up and sing, so we can finally end this scene and go our separate ways.

Mrs. Lovett: I do love it when you give me commands; maybe after this scene you can give me some more commands… In my bedroom?

Sweeney: NO! NO! NO! NO! DO NOT WANT! NO MEANS NO! HALT DON'T TOUCH ME THERE, THAT'S MY PRIVATE SQUARE!

Mrs. Lovett: Something tells me you're not okay with making love to me, soon though you will be fine with it.

Sweeney: If you don't sing your lines, I am going to cut your throat and bathe in your blood.

Mrs. Lovett: Wow, harsh. The actor, its compactor.

Sweeney: Ah, but always arrives overdone.

Mrs. Lovett: I'll make you overdone… If you know what I mean.

Sweeney: You're the one who's going to make me need therapy; I'm going to charge you for it.

Mrs. Lovett: I can give you therapy… In my bedroom.

Sweeney: JESUS ROOSEVELT CHRIST! DID JUDGE FRICK-FRACK TURPIN INVADE YOUR BRAIN? GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER AND FOCUS ON THIS GOSG DARN DIDDLY SCENE!

Mrs. Lovett: Someone forget their anti- psychotic medication.

Sweeney: I stopped taking my medicine when I started getting a craving for rum and sailing the open seas.

Mrs. Lovett: You know, it is your line.

Sweeney: I know, I'm just waiting for Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra to start playing again. Remember kids if you ever need a random orchestra, call 1-800- UNKY-JMMY.

(With those wise words of wisdom, Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play once more as Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett begin to waltz again.)

Mrs. Lovett: You're picking up waltzing rather quickly.

Sweeney: I don't care.

Mrs. Lovett: That was SO rude! I have done nothing but help you the second you returned from who the heck knows where! Why are you cruel to me? I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG TO YOU! EXCUSE YOU BUT I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED SO HARSHLY, I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN!

Sweeney: Okay, and I'm the one who forgot their medication?

Mrs. Lovett: I'm sorry, I was having a mental breakdown.

Sweeney: Your point? I have at least three mental breakdowns a day, you just don't see them because I spend all of my time brooding in my shop.

(Sweeney decides at that moment, the perfect thing to do to help someone recover from a mental breakdown is to pin Mrs. Lovett against the wall with a meat cleaver at her throat.)

Mrs. Lovett: Yo, can you back up like a few hundred feet? You're holding a sharp object up to my throat; usually if a throat is pierced the victim doesn't survive. Where did you even get that meat cleaver?

Sweeney: Oh this old thing? I found it on the table, right next to your pretend priest pie. I'll come again when you have judge on the menu.

(For the third time that day, Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play as the two waltz. Sweeney holds his meat cleaver to the back of Mrs. Lovett, while Mrs. Lovett holds her magical rolling pin up to Sweeney's back.)

Mrs. Lovett: Must you hold that against me? It's starting to cut through my several layers of clothing.

Sweeney: Hey, you have your magical rolling pin; you could do anything with it!

(Sweeney instantly regrets his words as a creepy smile grows on Mrs. Lovett's face, as perverted idea that Judge Turpin would love fill her mind.)

Mrs. Lovett: My magical rolling pin and I are going to have quite the fun time with you.

Sweeney: I would rather not be a rolling pin's plaything.

Mrs. Lovett: You'll be what I want you to be!

Sweeney: Don't you have a line or something?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh yeah, I got distracted by the sexy times that are in our future. Yes, yes I know my love.

Sweeney: Now that I know what you're thinking, calling me "love" makes me uncomfortable.

Mrs. Lovett: I love you though, and I want to express my love to you in every and any way possible!

Sweeney: I am going to get a restraining order against you, after I find a good therapist.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh love, no piece of paper that hasn't been invented yet is going to keep me away from you.

Sweeney: I don't know what to say, so I'm going to continue our song and hopefully we'll finish this scene soon. We'll take the customers that we can get.

Mrs. Lovett: High-born and low, my love. To start, I can get you…. In my bedroom.

Sweeney: NO! NO! NO!

Mrs. Lovett: YES! YES! YES!

Sweeney: Why don't we finish this gosh darn scene, then you can lust over me as I lock myself in my barber shop forever?

Mrs. Lovett: That's sounds like a lovely idea, except no walls or windows can hide you.

Sweeney: We'll not discriminate great from small; no we'll serve anyone, meaning anyone! Seriously, I am going to invent the restraining order and you'll be the first person to have it put on them.

Mrs. Lovett: Then you'll have my babies, and we'll live happily ever after by the sea!

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, I'm not getting you pregnant.

Mrs. Lovett: I hope are children aren't full of angst and revenge like you!

Sweeney: I AM NOT GETTING YOU PREGNANT!

Mrs. Lovett: There was no reason to yell, sometimes I think you yell because you know deep down inside if you don't, no one will listen to you.

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: You heard me, deep down; buried under all your angst I think there is a romantic who would love to be free. I can help you free this romantic side of you in-

Sweeney: - In my bedroom, I get it. I, under no condition am I going to sleep with you.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh you'll change your mind, you. Will. Change. Your. Mind.

Sweeney: No.

Mrs. Lovett: We'll serve anyone. Let me serve you, you shall quickly see how good of a wife I am. Not like that good for nothing blond nitwit Lucy.

Sweeney: DID YOU JUST DISS MAH LUCY?! We are finishing this scene and then I am going to beat the living out of you.

Mrs. Lovett: Bring it on! I've fought worse than you!

Sweeney: And to anyone! B*censor* you're going down!

Mrs. Lovett: At all! HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME, I SHALL MAKE YOU PAY AND BY PAY I MEAN YOU ARE GOING WITH ME TO MY BEDROOM!

Sweeney: NEVER! WILD HORSES COULDEN'T DRAG ME TO THAT GOD FORSAKEN BEDROOM!

Mrs. Lovett: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT CAN DRAG YOU?

Sweeney: WHAT?

Mrs. Lovett: A MAGICAL ROLLING PIN!

Sweeney: NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play them out, as Mrs. Lovett holds her magical rolling pin under Sweeney's chin and drags him to her bedroom.)

End of Chapter Ten

I'm going to hell for this, eh at least Dean will be down there.