Sweeney Todd Parody
Chapter Eleven- Johanna Two
Guest- Hello friend! I am very glad that you are enjoying this parody; there is no need to worry. I still have like… four more songs to mess up, so this parody has a bit to go before it ends. So to answer your question I SHALL CONTINUE MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(The camera cuts to Judge Turpin's house, Johanna is inside packing a suitcase with everything from eggs to a guide on growing carrots.)
Johanna: Do I really need this? Eh, I'll impress Anthony with my carrot growing skills if nothing else works.
(The door is suddenly slammed open, Judge Turpin walks in. The Judge looks like a walking model of swag with a backwards hat and those weird slot sunglasses in hot pink)
Judge Turpin: Yo, yo, yo! What up Johanna?
Johanna: Did you convince the maid to unlock the liquor cabinet for you?
Judge Turpin: Whaaaaat? Girl you cray-cray!
Johanna: Okay… You know it's really rude for a man to enter a woman's room without knocking.
Judge Turpin: That may be true, but you ain't no lady Johanna! I saw you throw that key to the sailor boy that I told to never walk by my home again!
Johanna: I did no such thing!
Judge Turpin: Liar, liar plants for hire!
Johanna: its pants on fire you idiot!
Judge Turpin: YO BEADLE!
(The Beadle slides into the room, wearing as much swaggy clothes as Judge Turpin. The Beadle stands up and crosses his arms in some sort of gang symbol.)
Johanna: What are you two wearing?
Judge Turpin: We is wearing the clothes that we found in the middle of the street!
Beadle: Yeah! What is it you need Swagmaster Turpin?
Judge Turpin: Do you remember what I told you in my office, when we were coloring some of my inappropriate books?
Beadle: I remember 12% of what you told me.
Judge Turpin: Good enough. Do my dirty work Beadle!
(The Beadle runs forward and leaps onto Johanna, Johanna screams as The Beadle drags her to the floor. The two pop up a moment later, Johanna is in a headlock.)
Judge Turpin: Yay! My plan actually worked!
Johanna: Let me go! If you're going to rape me, at warn me in advance!
Judge Turpin: I ain't gonna rape you child. I'm merely relocating you until you learn to love me.
Johanna: You can't do that! You cannot force me to love you!
Judge Turpin: I can! Beadle, take this girl child away!
(The Beadle drags a screaming Johanna outside where a carriage is waiting, Anthony just happens to be waiting on the front steps writing a love letter to Johanna.)
Anthony: Dear Johanna, Your hair is as yellow as… As corn? Tortillas? Yellow snow that my momma always told me never to eat but I ate anyways?
(Anthony looks up in thought and notices Johanna being shoved into a carriage against her will.)
Anthony: Yo! What the hecky are you doing to my girlfriend?
Judge Turpin: What the hecky are you doing on my doorstep?
Anthony: Um… Not writing a love letter to your ward?
Judge Turpin: Seems legit. Go Beadle go, go towards destiny!
(The carriage takes off towards wherever Judge Turpin wants to relocate Johanna.)
Anthony: Hey wait! You can't take her!
Judge Turpin: What you gonna do about it sailor boy? COME AT ME BRO!
Anthony: On second thought instead of fighting you, I think I'll chase after that carriage screaming nonsense.
(Anthony starts to chase after the carriage screaming any word that comes into his mind.)
Anthony: Fruitcake! Banana people! Angel! Blue! Feather! JOHAAAAAAAAAAANA!
(It's too late, the carriage is already gone. Judge Turpin takes one last look at a very sad Anthony and goes back inside to finish coloring his inappropriate books.)
Anthony: She's gone. She's gone and it's all my fault. Well the only logical thing to do would is to sing my really dirty song.
(Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play the soothing melody that sounds like Johanna but a lot sadder. Anthony digs in his pocket and throws a few coins at the conductor, Uncle Jimmy himself.)
Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh you're alright kid. Just remember kids if you ever need Uncle Jimmy's services call 1-800-UNKY-JMMY, I'll even bring balloons!
Anthony: Wow that was creepy. I feel you Johanna, I feel you.
Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh and I'm the creepy one? I'm just trying to advertise my services, while you're trying to feel some girl up.
Anthony: Do they think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your window. I am in the dark beside you, buried sweetly in your yellow hair, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!
Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh you've got issues kid. I'm not judging you, this is 1870's London we all have issues.
Anthony: You sir have certainly sparked my curiosity, what issues could you have?
Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh, for starters I somehow magically appear when someone on Fleet Street wants to sing. I'm also addicted to meth and I start all of my sentences with a creepy laugh. Did I mention I have a basement full of little boys, just waiting to be-
(Anthony quickly puts his hand over Uncle Jimmy's mouth before he can finish his sentence.)
Anthony: I thought you learned last chapter. THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THE AUDIENCE!
Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh, children.
Anthony: I'm going to get a restraining order from Sweeney Todd and get is applied to you. On the subject of Sweeney, I believe it's his line!
(Sweeney is in his barbershop, he's finishing up mixing up shaving cream for the night of customers to come. Mrs. Lovett is clawing at his door and making noises like a wild cat, trying to get to Sweeney.)
Sweeney: Not today, devil woman. I learned my lesson the hard way when you….
(Sweeney shivers at the horrible memory of what happened in that god forsaken bedroom, with Mrs. Lovett and her magical rolling pin.)
Sweeney: I know what would cheer me up, singing while I murder innocent people! And are you beautiful and pale with yellow hair like her? I'd want you beautiful and pale, the way I've dreamed you were, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!
First customer: Who is Johanna? Is she your girlfriend?
Sweeney: SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND! YOU WILL PAY DEARLY FOR YOUR WORDS!
(Sweeney gives a high-pitched scream and cuts the guy's throat. The guy chokes on his blood and dies quickly.)
Anthony: JOHAAAAAAAAAAANA!
Sweeney: Did I just hear a sailor boy sing about my daughter? Eh, it's not like he's planning to steal her or anything.
(Sweeney presses down on the pedal on his chair; the first customer goes sliding down into the bake house.)
Sweeney: And if you're beautiful when then, with yellow hair like wheat. I think we shall not meet again, my little dove, my sweet JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!
Second customer: Are you emotionally okay?
Sweeney: NO! MY PET GOLDFISH DIES WHEN I WAS TEN YEARS OLD! Also my daughter is being held hostage by London's biggest pervert, my wife killed herself, I was in prison for fifteen years, and Mrs. Lovett made love to me!
Second customer: What?
Sweeney: Time to go to sleep with the wormies!
(Sweeney gives another high-pitched yell and cuts the second customer's throat. The second customer flies down the chute.
Sweeney: I wonder what the budget for towel/blanket things are.
Anthony: I'll steal you, JOHAAAAAAAAAANA!
Sweeney: There it is again, I clearly heard a sailor boy singing about Johanna. It's probably nothing, onto the next customer!
(While Sweeney mixes up some more shaving cream and checks the twenty locks on his door, to keep Mrs. Lovett out, some stuff is going on down below. The Beggar Woman suddenly climbs out of the pile of grapes she was under the second she smells a smelly smell that smells… Smelly.)
Beggar Woman: I KNEW IT! They're cookin' up people! Smoke, smoke sign of the devil, sign of the devil city on fire! Witch, witch, smell that sir? An evil smell, every night at the vesper's bell. Smoke that comes from the mouth of hell, city on fire! City on fire! Mischief! Mischief! Mischief!
(Mrs. Lovett hears the Beggar's Women's singing and glares at her.)
Mrs. Lovett: Stop singing! No one listen to her, she's lying! Liar, liar plants for hire!
Beggar Woman: its pants on fire you idiot! I AM NOT LYING, THEY ARE COOKIN-
(Mrs. Lovett puts her hand over the Beggar's Women's mouth to prevent her from talking.)
Mrs. Lovett: Why does everyone keep forgetting that there ARE CHILDREN IN THIS GOSH DARN AUDIENCE!
(The Beggar Woman says something which sounds like, "How much must we censor? If children are in the audience, then I guess they're okay. They have already seen that barber guy kill like three people!"
Mrs. Lovett: Yeah about that… That barber guy and me are kinda in cahoots, he kills 'em I bake 'em. I can't exactly have you going around telling all of London what we do.
(The Beggar Woman removes Mrs. Lovett's hand from her mouth and smiles evilly.)
Beggar Woman: Mischief.
(The Beggar Woman then slinks away to the shadows until it's her cue.)
Sweeney: There it was again! I'm seriously going to start a sailor boy hunt after I'm done singing and killing people. And if I never hear your voice my turtledove my dear, I still have reason to rejoice the way ahead is clear, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!
Anthony: I feel you JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!
Sweeney: I am defiantly starting a sailor boy hunt; I think I'll recruit Mrs. Lovett and her magical rolling pin.
(A third customer enters; Sweeney removes his coat and helps him into the chair.)
Sweeney: I can get at least three dollars for this coat!
Third Customer: What?
Sweeney: And in that darkness when I'm blind with what I can't forget, it's always morning in my mind, my little lamb my pet, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!
Third Customer: What?
Sweeney: You stay Johanna.
Anthony: Johanna.
Sweeney: MUST FIND SAILOR BOY!
Third Customer: What?
Sweeney: The way I've dreamed you are, oh look Johanna a star!
Third Customer: What?
(Sweeney takes the Third Customer's head in his hands and cuts his throat. Third Customer's blood splatters everywhere, including on the camera. Real classy, Mr. Todd.
Anthony: Buried sweetly in your yellow hair.
Sweeney: Urge to kill sailor boy rising. A shooting star!
(Down below, The Beggar Woman does the Cha-Cha Slide out of the shadows when it's her cue.)
Beggar Woman: There, there, somebody, somebody look up there! Didn't I tell you smell that air, city on fire! Quick, sir, run and tell, warn and tell of the witches spell! There it is, there it is, and the unholy smell tell it to the Beadle and the police as well. Tell 'em, tell 'em, help, fiend, city on fire! City on fire! Mischief! Mischief!
Mrs. Lovett: What did I tell you about spreading lies about my pies?
Beggar Woman: Lies and pies rhyme, I am so proud of you for rhyming your words.
(Mrs. Lovett screams like a banshee and chases the Beggar Woman away with her magical rolling pin of magic.)
Sweeney: And though I'll think of you, I guess until the day I die.
(Sweeney cuts the fourth customers throat before this man can question who Johanna is or what Sweeney is doing with his life.)
Sweeney: I think I miss you less and less as every day goes by; here we go again I have to scream my daughter's name. JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!
(The fourth customer falls down the chute, Sweeney seems completely unfazed and mildly terrified because Mrs. Lovett is scratching at the door again.)
Anthony: JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAANA! Am I really walking past a drug den? Real classy London.
Sweeney: SAILOR BOY! SAILOR BOY! MUST HUNT SAILOR BOY!
(Instead of killing the fifth customer, Sweeney is being as careful as he can to not kill him. Some say it's because Sweeney still has some good left in him, others says it's because the man brought along his wife and daughter. We all know that the reason he isn't killing this man, is that he's waiting for Mrs. Lovett to clear away the bodies.)
Sweeney: And you'd be beautiful and pale, and look too much like her. If only angels could prevail, we'd be the way we were, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!
Fifth Customer: My good man, hurry up if you will, I have promised my family a dinner at the mat pie emporium below!
Sweeney: Must not kill this man, must not kill this man, must not kill this man.
Anthony: I feel you Johanna.
Sweeney: I am going to take a shower in that sailor boy's blood. Wake up Johanna, another bright red day! We learn Johanna to say, goodbye!
(Sweeney takes a moment to look at his reflection in his razor and reflect on his life choices, he then whirls around and kills the sixth customer ninja barber style.)
Anthony: I'll steeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaal yoooooouuuuuuuuuuu.
Sweeney: THAT'S IT! I AM GOING TO KILL THAT SAILOR BOY FOR SINGING ABOUT FEELING UP MY DAUGHTER!
(The door suddenly swings open as Mrs. Lovett sticks her head in.)
Mrs. Lovett: HERE'S LOVETT!
Sweeney: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
End of Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve should be coming soon.