Sweeney Todd Parody
Chapter Twelve- God That's Good
(The camera quickly changes from a farm full of chickens to Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies. The restaurant is packed full of people all eating and having a merry time. The street urchin, Toby is standing outside on a soapbox, waiting for the perfect moment to start his song. In the meantime Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra is playing wildly.)
Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh I like that little boy.
Toby: STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!
Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh the last time a little boy yelled that I had to become a fugitive.
(Uncle Jimmy seems to disappear in thin air, his Pop up Orchestra keeps playing.)
Mrs. Lovett: Yo Toby, are you going to sing or not? It's been fifteen minutes since your cue!
Toby: Oh wow! I'm sorry; I was in my mind trying to stop the half banana, half humans from taking over my mind!
Mrs. Lovett: Don't apologize to me; apologize to the audience for wasting their time!
Toby: I sorry. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please?
Sweeney: NO!
Mrs. Lovett: Shut it, Mr. T!
Toby: Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well, at that delicate, luscious ambrosial smell? Yes they are, I can tell.
Sweeney: What is that child singing about?
Mrs. Lovett: I don't have the faintest idea; don't you have customers to shave?
Sweeney: Not right now, I'm taking a snack break.
Toby: Well ladies and gentlemen, that aroma enriching the breeze is like nothing compared to its succulent source. As the gourmets among you, will tell you of course.
Sweeney: Sweet Jesus! What in god's name have you done?
Mrs. Lovett: What do you mean?
Sweeney: You have created life! That child thing just said that the "gourmets will tell you!" YOUR MEAT PIES ARE ALIIIIIIIVE!
Mrs. Lovett: Now you're just being dramatic.
Sweeney: ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Mrs. Lovett: Toby darling, ignore him and continue singing your lovely song.
Toby: You think its lovely mum?!
Mrs. Lovett: Yeah sure, just keep singing.
Sweeney: THE MEAT PIES ARE ALIVE!
Mrs. Lovett: Now you're starting to scare customers away, either stop screaming or I'll make you stop screaming with my magical rolling pin!
Sweeney: HISSSSSSSSSSSS.
Toby: I'm scared.
Mrs. Lovett: KEEP SINGING YOUR F*CENSOR* SONG!
Toby: Now I'm even more scared, but you told me to do something so I must do it or I'll be disobeying you. Ladies and gentlemen, you can't imagine the rapture instore, just inside of this door!
(Toby runs inside as if some monster is chasing after him, he pushes past people as he runs. Several people fall over and trip over each other as Toby finds Mrs. Lovett.)
Mrs. Lovett: Good Toby! You didn't screw up like the other fifty times!
Toby: Well as my old master used to say, "Practice makes perfect but you're not perfect so go clean up my caravan.
Mrs. Lovett: That's nice dear.
(Mrs. Lovett suddenly hears Sweeney opening his window, to yell down again to her.)
Sweeney: Yo Lovett, I can't keep yelling down to you Lovett, a customer just arrived.
Mrs. Lovett: You shouldn't have been yelling in the first place, 17% of the customers ran away.
Toby: There you sample Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies, savory and sweet pies as you'll see.
(Toby looks proudly at the customers that are all eating and making a huge mess of the tables.)
Toby: You who eat pies, Mrs. Lovett's meat pies conjure up the treat pies used to be!
Sweeney: STOP YOUR INFERNAL SING SONG, SMALL CHILD!
Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, that wasn't very nice! Toby's the one who's attracting all the customers
(Sweeney slams his window shut and returns to his window, Mrs. Lovett suddenly realizes this is her line and catches Toby's attention.)
Mrs. Lovett: Toby!
Toby: I'm coming; I just gotta break this fight apart!
(Toby finally breaks up the drunken brawl between Jack Sparrow; I mean Captain Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka and rushes over to Mrs. Lovett.)
Mrs. Lovett: Those people over there, right where I'm pointing my finger, no Toby not those people! Those people right there, right there, RIGHT THERE!
Toby: Oh, right there!
Mrs. Lovett: Yes right there, they need some more ale.
Toby: I can ale them!
Mrs. Lovett: You better be able to ale my customers, that's what I hired you for. Now go, quick now!
Toby: I'm going mum, I'm going!
(Mrs. Lovett hands Toby the ale pitcher and rushes over to a red haired woman that she thinks she recognizes.)
Mrs. Lovett: Nice to see you dearie, how have you been keeping?
Red Haired Woman: Do I know you?
Mrs. Lovett: No one in this restaurant knows me; I just walk around serving people and singing.
Red Haired Women: Eh, do whatever you want it's your restaurant.
Mrs. Lovett: Core me bones is weary, Toby, one for the gentleman!
Toby: I'm still trying to ale these gentlemen!
Gentleman one: Please stop.
Gentleman Two: I am covered in ale.
Toby: I can do this! Just give me a chance!
Gentleman One: We've let you try to ale us for the last five minutes.
Mrs. Lovett: Yo Toby, get yo' ass over here! This gentleman needs some ale!
(While Mrs. Lovett and Toby are arguing, the both of them fail to notice The Beggar Woman walking in. Sweeney sees The Beggar Woman, and bangs on his window. Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra is playing too loudly so no one hears him.)
Toby: You know what guys; I'm gonna go ale this other guy then come back.
Gentleman One/ Gentleman Two: PLEASE DO NOT COME BACK!
Toby: Okay…
(Toby walks sadly away to the third gentleman.)
Mrs. Lovett: Hear the birdies cheeping, helps to keep it cheery.
Red Haired Woman: I'm deaf, I can't hear no birds.
Mrs. Lovett: Then how can you hear me?
Red Haired Woman: I have no idea. Witchcraft?
(Out of the corner of her eye, Mrs. Lovett sees The Beggar Woman.)
Mrs. Lovett: Toby throw that annoying old woman out!
Toby: Okay, okay but she just wants something to eat!
Mrs. Lovett: Toby, that old woman want to DESTROY MY BUISNESS!
(Toby takes a dish towel that he has around his waist and whips the old woman with it.)
Beggar Woman: Ow! Jesus, I just wanted something to eat.
Toby: See? She's not causing any harm.
Mrs. Lovett: Fine, if she comes again I'll give her some of the scraps.
Random Gentleman: Hey lady, what's inside these yummy pie thingy's?
Sweeney: PEOPLE!
Random Gentleman: What?
Mrs. Lovett: What's my secret, frankly dear forgive my candor. Family secret all to do with herbs, things like being careful with your coriander, that's what makes the gravy grander!
Random Gentleman: What?
(Sweeney suddenly appears at the balcony and glares down at the customers.)
Mrs. Lovett: There he is, he's even more beautiful when he's full of murderous angst!
Random Gentleman: What?
Mrs. Lovett: Shut up and eat your pie!
(The Random Gentleman continues eating as Sweeney observes the crowd, Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra plays Sweeney's theme on their violins.)
Sweeney: Who wants a shave?
(All the men start to jump up and down, all trying to get Sweeney's attention. Word gets around fast of how good of a barber Sweeney is.)
Sweeney: Well, who shall I choose? Certainly not Mrs. Lovett or that child thing, hey look there's a guy that looks vaguely like Judge Turpin!
(The crazy violins from Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra stop playing Sweeney's theme and return to playing the other music.)
Toby: Eat them slow and feel the crust, how thin she rolled it. Eat them slow, 'cos everyone's a prize. Eat them slow, 'cos that's the lot and now we've sold it, come again tomorrow!
Mrs. Lovett: Whaaaat? Were out of pies already?
Toby: Yip. We best kick everyone out and close the place.
Mrs. Lovett: Ehhhh, I'll think about kicking everyone out.
(Mrs. Lovett suddenly spots Sweeney leading a Judge Turpin look alike up to his barber shop.)
Mrs. Lovett: Hold it! Bless my eyes, fresh supplies!
Toby: You are clearly telling me that Sweeney is somehow connected to the meat inside the meat pies. Well I best ignore you; I can't have the audience thinking I'm smart.
Mrs. Lovett: How about it dearie? Be in here in a twinkling, just confirms my theory. Toby, God watches over us, didn't have an inkling, positively eerie.
Sweeney: What did you just sing?
Mrs. Lovett: I don't know anymore, I'm just reading off the script.
Toby: Is that a pie fit for a king? A wondrous sweet and most delectable thing? You see ma'am why, there is no meat pie.
(While Toby sings to a scared looking woman, The Beggar Woman manages to sneak in again.)
Beggar Woman: Finally I will discover the secrets of the meat pies and tell the world of the witch's business!
Mrs. Lovett: Crap it's you again! I best get Toby to whip here again before anyone knows that they're eating people!
Random Woman: What did you just say about people?
Mrs. Lovett: NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!
Random Woman: A-are there…People in these pies?!
Mrs. Lovett: NOPE! Hey, I just had a great idea! Random Woman, why don't you go visit Mr. T, I'm sure he'll be pleased to see you.
Random Woman: Who is this Mr. T, and how can he be of service to me?
Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T is the one who made these pies.
(The Random Woman quickly walks away to Sweeney's barber shop. No one hears her scream or sees her blood splatter all over the window.)
Mrs. Lovett: Now onto more important matters, Toby throw that old woman out!
Toby: I can do that! You, old woman get the hecky outta here!
(Toby whips the old woman with his dish towel once more, and slams the doors closed.)
Beggar Woman: Well that wasn't very nice.
End of Chapter Twelve