Sweeney Todd Parody
Chapter Thirteen- By The Sea
(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett are sitting on a blanket in a park, Toby is behind them prancing around with a kite this is the first time he's breathed air.)
Sweeney: Did you have to drag me out here?
Mrs. Lovett: Isn't it such a beautiful day?! The sun is actually shining, and it's warm!
Sweeney: Can I go back to my depressing shop now to brood?
Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, this is the first day in fifty years that the sun is actually shining! You are going to enjoy this day, no matter what!
Sweeney: FINE. Just remember Sweeney she's helping you get rid of the bodies, she's helping you get rid of the bodies.
(Sweeney goes into his mind and thinks of killing Judge Turpin. Sweeney shivers when the image of a very swaggy Judge Turpin pops into his head instead of Judge Turpin's death.)
Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh the barber is distracted, let's play like there ain't no tomorrow!
(Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play a soothing melody, Mrs. Lovett smiles when she recognizes the music.)
Sweeney: It's never good when Mrs. Lovett smiles like that.
Mrs. Lovett: You best hold onto something Mr. T, things are about to get crazy. Ooh Mr. Todd, I'm so happy!
(Sweeney grimaces each time Mrs. Lovett kisses him in between her sentences. He considers pushing Mrs. Lovett away and escaping, but Mrs. Lovett has her magical rolling pin tucked into her dress.)
Sweeney: Don't kiss me again.
Mrs. Lovett: If I kiss you, hopefully you'll fall in love with me.
Sweeney: Stop kissing me, burn the magical rolling pin, lose the "I'm dead" look and we'll talk.
Mrs. Lovett: It's only a matter of time before you love me.
Sweeney: NOPE! NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!
Mrs. Lovett: I'm so happy, I could eat you up, I really could!
Sweeney: I'm terrified, you are not to eat me, is that clear?
Mrs. Lovett: Oh love, I'll eat you in my bedroom.
Sweeney: NO!
Mrs. Lovett: Not long now love; you know what I'd like to do Mr. Todd? What I dream if business stays as good?
Sweeney: Seriously stop kissing me.
Mrs. Lovett: NEVER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sweeney: Hey! I'm the only one who gets to laugh manically!
Mrs. Lovett: Whatever, I do whatever I want! If the business stays as good? Where I'd really like to go, in a year or so?
Sweeney: Let me guess, you want to go to hell? I can help you get there.
Mrs. Lovett: That's not where I want to go you silly goose!
Sweeney: Don't ever call me that again.
Mrs. Lovett: My love for you shall never die. In a year or so, don't you want to know?
Sweeney: Seeing as you're not going to stop asking me, I might as well ask. Of course I want to know where you want to go.
Mrs. Lovett: Do you really want to know or are you just trying to get me to leave you alone?
Sweeney: No, I mean yes and you'll never leave me alone.
Mrs. Lovett: That is true; you're too beautiful to leave alone.
Sweeney: Just continue your song so we can finish this scene already.
(Mrs. Lovett flashes Uncle Jimmy a thumbs up, Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play a nautical tune as the camera goes us into the sky.)
Sweeney: What? What the hecky is going on? Why can't the audience see us anymore?!
Mrs. Lovett: Shut up, were having a scene change. You should be grateful that this scene is in color.
Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh I remember when I went to the beach, before I got banned for life. There were a lot of little boys; I'll just say that this one boy named Johnny had the nicest-
(Mrs. Lovett clamps her hand over Uncle Jimmy's mouth as Sweeney kicks Uncle Jimmy in the shin.)
Sweeney/Mrs. Lovett: THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THIS AUDIENCE!
(Uncle Jimmy smiles and snaps his fingers; he disappears in a cloud of blue smoke to Neverland where the lost boys are.)
Sweeney: Good riddance he's gone, remember kids if you ever need Uncle Jimmy call 1-800- UNKY- JMMY. Just don't stand to close to him or wear any clothing that can easily be removed.
Mrs. Lovett: Oh look Mr. T, were here!
(Sweeney looks around in horror at the beach scene full of happiness and sunshine, Toby is in front of the barber and baker tossing a beach ball in the air.)
Sweeney: WHAT THE HELL AM I WEARING?!
Mrs. Lovett: I just thought you would look marvelous in stripes.
(Sweeney looks in horror once more at the striped bathing suit that he's wearing, Mrs. Lovett doesn't look any better in a navy striped bathing suit.)
Sweeney: I am going to sit here and sulk because I'm not wearing my sexy pinstriped pants.
Mrs. Lovett: By the sea Mr. Todd, that's the life I covet. By the sea Mr. Todd, ooh I know you'd love it! You and me, Mr. T we could be alone, in a house that we'd almost own down by the sea!
Sweeney: No. There are two problems with your little fantasy sequence. One I hate down by the sea because everything and everyone is happy and I'm allergic to happiness. Two I don't ever want to be alone with you, not after what happened in your bedroom.
Mrs. Lovett: You don't get a say, in what happens, this is my fantasy sequence!
Sweeney: FINE. Anything you say I guess, just remember I'm just following the script I would never love you or want to be with you.
Mrs. Lovett: But you're with me now. Wouldn't that be smashing?
(Toby's beach ball suddenly hits Sweeney in the head; Sweeney falls backwards as Mrs. Lovett gives Toby a thumbs up.)
Mrs. Lovett: Nice job Toby! Scene change!
(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett are suddenly on a porch in two chairs, Mrs. Lovett has changed into a red and white striped dress and Sweeney is wearing some nicer clothes. Sweeney has a Hello- Kitty Band-Aid on his forehead and looks pissed)
Sweeney: I'm going to kill that street urchin.
Mrs. Lovett: Oh no you don't, there will be no killing in my fantasy sequence! Think how snug it'll be underneath our flannel, when it's just you and me and the English Channel!
Sweeney: WRONG! First thing I will never be with you alone, and what about Toby? Unless you're planning on feeding him to the seagulls then he'll be here with us.
Mrs. Lovett: In are cozy retreat kept all neat and tidy, we'll have chums over every Friday by the sea.
(The scene quickly changes to a table; Sweeney is sitting silently at a table with a bunch of pirates. Mrs. Lovett walks into the dining room with some weird colored ball dish. )
Pirate One: I 'ave an idea!
Pirate Two: Careful mate, it's in a dangerous place!
(The first pirate who looks like Jack Sparrow takes one of the colored balls and throws is at Sweeney's face. Sweeney doesn't even blink as the pirates fall out their chairs with laughter.)
Mrs. Lovett: Oh lighten up a little!
Sweeney: Okay.
(Sweeney gives Mrs. Lovett a demented smile and leaps over the table at the pirates. Mrs. Lovett watches in horror as Sweeney and the two pirates start fiercely fighting on the floor with dreadlock pulling and roundhouse kicks to the face.)
Mrs. Lovett: Now seems like a good time for a scene change.
Sweeney: I'M GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR THROAT AND EAT IT!
Pirate One: I'LL RIP OF YOUR ARM AND WHACK YOU WITH IT!
Sweeney: I'LL LIGHT YOUR BEARD ON FIRE!
Pirate Two: NO! NOT THE BEARD!
Mrs. Lovett: What the hecky? I SAID I NEED A SCENE CHANGE!
(The audience blinks and Sweeney, Mrs. Lovett, and Toby are on a boardwalk. Sweeney is in a white suit and still looks pissed, Mrs. Lovett is in a red striped dress and Toby is wearing a black suit.)
Sweeney: I hate you. I'm whiter than a teenage girl at Starbucks.
Mrs. Lovett: Don't you love the weather? By the sea, hoo, hoo by the beautiful sea!
Sweeney: No I do not love the weather; I'm going to need a couple of months in the darkness to regain my darkness.
(The two of them stop at a post, Sweeney leans against the post as he glares at Mrs. Lovett. Mrs. Lovett looks happily at the sea.)
Sweeney: Do you think anyone would see if I tossed you into the sea?
Mrs. Lovett: You can't Mr. T, in this fantasy sequence there's no touching allowed unless it's that kind of touching.
Sweeney: Curses! Well I guess I'll just have to imagine your death and maybe, one day kill you.
(Sweeney looks at the sea and smiles slightly when he imagines Mrs. Lovett falling into the ocean, drowning then being eaten by sharks.)
Sweeney: While I'm at it, let's add Judge Turpin in my creepy fantasy.
(Sweeney smiles even more as a swaggy Judge Turpin trips, falls into the sea, drowns, and then is eaten by a shark. The shark is then eaten by a giant octopus.)
Mrs. Lovett: It's never good when you smile like that. It'll be so quiet, that who'll come by it, except a seagull. Hoo, hoo we shouldn't try it though until it's legal for two-hoo!
Sweeney: Oh no! Please tell me this isn't going where I think it's going too!
(Sweeney blinks and he and Mrs. Lovett are at the altar. Pirate One from earlier is reading from the Bible and doing their ceremony.)
Sweeney: What? What? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Mrs. Lovett: I know love, were finally getting married!
Sweeney: No! NO! NO MEANS NO! THIS IS THE LAST THING THAT I WANT TO DO! HELP! HELP!
Mrs. Lovett: Screaming won't help you love. But a seaside wedding could be devised, me rumpled bedding legitimized! Hey wanna rumple my bedding?
Sweeney: NO! NO! NO! I'M STILL NOT OVER THE FACT THAT YOU'RE MARRYING ME IN YOUR MIND!
Mrs. Lovett: Me eyelids'll flutter; I'll turn into butter the moment I mutter I do-hoo!
Pirate One: Ye may kiss the bride.
(Sweeney stands completely still, he's still in shock about the whole marriage thing. Pirate One shrugs and kisses Mrs. Lovett.)
Sweeney: Thank Jesus!
(The scene changes and Sweeney, Mrs. Lovett and Pirate One are back on the blanket in the park. Toby is behind them running in fear away from the Headless Horseman.)
Mrs. Lovett: Down by the sea married nice and proper, by the sea bring along your chopper!
Sweeney: You owe me for this Lovett.
Mrs. Lovett: Don't worry, Mr. T I'll repay you in my bedroom.
Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh, hey finish this up I have to be at Little Timmy's birthday party in twenty minutes!
Mrs. Lovett: To the seaside hoo, hoo by the beautiful sea!
Sweeney: FINALLY! Can I go home now?
Mrs. Lovett: Nope! I want to sit here a bit longer; it's such a nice day!
(Without warning Pirate One kisses Mrs. Lovett again, Sweeney stares blankly ahead his mind on The Judge's death. Mrs. Lovett struggles against Pirate One's kiss as the Headless Horseman finally reaches Toby and kidnaps him.)
End of Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen coming soon my friends