Sweeney Todd Parody

Chapter Fifteen- Not while I'm Around

VerucaBeyotch- Yay you liking this! More is coming but sadly, not for long because this is the SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER. Oh stop your sobbing it's embarrassing for all of us, while this parody is coming to a close that doesn't mean I'm stopping my fanfiction writing.

Go me! I actually made it to chapter fifteen; usually my stories die out by chapter nine or eight. Enough rambling, LETS GET READY TO RUMBBBBBBBBLLLLLEEEEEEEEE!

(Mrs. Lovett is asleep mumbling about the crippling debt that will one day destroy her business, when Toby returns. Sweeney, a few hours earlier sent the small street urchin out to run a few errands.

Toby: She's asleep. I really don't want to bother her, but I really, really, REALLY don't want to bother that barber guy.

Mrs. Lovett: Toby…. Is that you?

Toby: Maybe.

Mrs. Lovett: If you're not Toby, GET THE HECKY-BECKY OUTTA HERE BEFORE MY MAGICAL ROLLING PIN COMES OUT TO PLAY!

Toby: Well that went south quickly; I best start our scene before that magical rolling pin makes an appearance. Seems like the Good Lord sent you for me.

Mrs. Lovett: It seems he did, you know I cannot stand anyone hurting small children.

(The muffled voice of Sweeney suddenly comes down through the floorboards.)

Sweeney: But you're perfectly fine with me killing innocent men?!

Mrs. Lovett: Did I ask for your opinion? No I did not, now this is a A, B conversation so C you later!

Sweeney: FINE. I've got better things to do, mainly eating popcorn and throwing the kernels at passing people.

Toby: Pardon my intrusion, but popcorn hasn't been invented yet.

Sweeney: SHUT UP! Don't you have some song thingy to sing?

Toby: Don't you have customers to shave? Anyways it's not my line.

Sweeney: Touché. I guess I'll just return to my scheduled popcorn kernel throwing.

Toby: Good riddance.

Mrs. Lovett: Finally we can continue! You know love; I've felt the quite the same way.

Sweeney: EW, LOVE.

Mrs. Lovett: You be quite up there, or I'll come up there and make you be quiet!

Toby: You really showed him mum. Listen to me, please. You know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

Mrs. Lovett: That's really sweet and everything, but I know the second I die you'll sell my body to the black market.

Toby: How do you know that?!

Mrs. Lovett: You talk in your sleep.

Toby: Were you watching me when I was asleep?

Mrs. Lovett: Noooo….

Toby: Seems legit. Say if there was someone around, someone bad, only you didn't know it. Now take note of how I'm trying to be very subtle about how you are in danger as long as you stay with that barber guy.

Mrs. Lovett: Whaaaaat? Mr. T wouldn't hurt a fly!

(There's suddenly a loud, tortured scream from the barber shop.)

Mrs. Lovett: I guess Mr. T didn't kill that one fast enough.

Toby: What was that about Mr. T killing people?

Mrs. Lovett: Nothing love, nothing at all! What is this? What are you talking about?

Toby: Sweet mother of Jesus. How thick are you? I AM TRYING TO GET YOU TO SAFETY BEFORE SWEENEY FRICK-FRACKING TODD KILLS YOU!

Mrs. Lovett: Like I said, Mr. T wouldn't hurt a fly!

(The head of a random customer comes flying down from the barber shop and lands behind Toby.)

Mrs. Lovett: I cannot let Toby see that. Oh wow! Look at that it's a WINDOW!

Toby: HOLY SNAP! I have never seen a real window before!

(While Toby looks out the window, Mrs. Lovett stands up, kicks the head into the roaring fire and starts to fix her hair.)

Mrs. Lovett: You can always look out the window later, it's always better in the daytime. Why don't you sing me more of your song?

Toby: OKAY! What's outside this window in the daytime?

Mrs. Lovett: Whores, crazy beggar women, prostitutes, dead people… I mean sunshine rainbow happiness!

Toby: SEEMS LEGIT. Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around. Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir not while I'm around.

Mrs. Lovett: Awwwww, that's so cute how you think you can stop Mr. T from hurting me!

Toby: Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays, I'll send 'em howling I don't care, I got ways. By ways I mean I got some muscles.

(Toby holds up an arm and flexes' it, his "muscle" looks more like a chicken bone.)

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah okay, I'm gonna let you finish your little song but with those chicken bone arms you're not protecting me from anyone.

Toby: Right now I'm not protecting you; you just wait until I get that membership to the gym.

Mrs. Lovett: You've sparked my curiosity, why don't you have a membership to the gym?

Toby: That weird guy, Uncle Jimmy runs the gym.

Mrs. Lovett: I've heard of Uncle Jimmy, I've also heard that he has a very reasonable price and is willing to work all hours.

Toby: She is correct, Uncle Jimmy always leaves his customers satisfied. Remember small children if you ever need Uncle Jimmy' services call 1-800- UNKY-JMMY.

Mrs. Lovett: Now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Toby: No one's gonna harm you, no one's gonna dare. Others can desert you, not to worry whistle, I'll be there.

Mrs. Lovett: I don't know how to whistle.

Toby: Well you better learn fast because that's the only way to summon me.

Mrs. Lovett: Couldn't I just yell for you or offer you some gin?

Toby: No gin, thank you very much. That barber guy put me in some alcohol addiction meeting.

Mrs. Lovett: Well. I guess I'll have to stock up on grape juice. Why don't you keep singing as I steal some grapes from the Beggar Woman's shopping cart?

Toby: That sounds like a good idea that in no way shape or form could possibly go wrong.

(Mrs. Lovett runs outside and starts to steal as much grapes as she can. The Beggar Woman suddenly pops up from the grape pile, and starts screaming her head off that some witch is stealing her grapes.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh shut it. Its 3AM, no one is going to listen to you.

Random Constable That Looks Strangely Like Johnny Depp: Is someone screaming for help, because there grapes are being stolen?!

Mrs. Lovett: S*censor*!

(Mrs. Lovett ducks into an alley with an apron full of grapes, the Beggar Woman follows still screaming her head off. The Random Constable That Strangely Looks Like Johnny Depp follows them, ringing his alarm bell.)

Toby: That's a lot of screaming, I'm sure that mum is fine and not running away from the law. Demons will charm you with a smile, for a while but in time nothing can harm you, not while im around.

(Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play a familiar melody, Toby looks back out the window just as Mrs. Lovett runs past. A few seconds later, Mrs. Lovett enters the meat pie shop and locks the door.)

Mrs. Lovett: I almost got caught back there! Don't worry though, I got your grapes.

Toby: I'm allergic to grapes.

Mrs. Lovett: Okay.

(Mrs. Lovett tosses the grapes into the fire without a blink of her eye, and takes a seat on the couch.)

Mrs. Lovett: Come sit next to me, so that I may strangle you for making me risk my life for some stupid grapes.

Toby: What?

Mrs. Lovett: Never mind. So what happens next in your song? Does the beautiful baker woman get the sexy barber?

Toby: Nope! You're confusing fantasy with real life again.

Mrs. Lovett: Dang it.

Toby: Not to worry, not to worry I may not be smart but I ain't dumb.

Mrs. Lovett: Toby, last week I watched you for twenty minutes as you stared at the door.

Toby: But the door opens! It opens and YOU CAN GO OUTSIDE!

Mrs. Lovett: Okay. I can't wait until I show you the oven.

Toby: THAT SOUNDS EXCITING! I can do it, put me to it, show me something I can overcome. Not to worry mum.

Mrs. Lovett: Something to overcome? Go… Um… Go eat a plate!

Toby: I can't, I've been plate free since Pirelli.

Mrs. Lovett: You can do nothing fun.

Toby: I can sing!

Mrs. Lovett: Then sing already!

Toby: Being close and being clever ain't like being true. I don't need to; I will never hide a thing from you like some.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh you mean like those books you "borrowed" from Judge Turpin under your bed?

Toby: How do you know about those books?

Mrs. Lovett: The Beadle came by one day and demanded them back, then he crawled up the wall to the barber shop. Sadly, he got away.

Toby: What do you mean by he got away?

Mrs. Lovett: Subject change! Now Toby dear, haven't we had enough of this foolish chatter? Here, how about I give you a nice, shiny new penny and you go get us dome toffees?

Toby: No way! Something really fishy is going on…. Hey! That's Signor Pirelli's purse! I would recognize that hot pink man purse anywhere!

Mrs. Lovett: What? This isn't Pirelli's purse; this is something Mr. T got me for my birthday because he loves me so much.

Toby: OBJECTION! That only proves that Mr. T is killing people just for the heck of it! We gotta get out of here! We gotta get the police, and that constable that strangely looked like Johnny Depp, and Uncle Jimmy, and Judge Turpin!

Mrs. Lovett: Hush Toby, you aren't going anywhere or getting anybody. Do you really want Judge Turpin and Uncle Jimmy to meet and start their perverted rampage?

Toby: Good point, I guess I'll sit next to you.

(Toby takes a seat next to Mrs. Lovett. Mrs. Lovett puts Toby in a headlock and starts to awkwardly stroke his hair.)

Mrs. Lovett: Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around. Nothing's gonna harm you darling not while I'm around.

Toby: Demons will charm you for a while, but in time nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.

(Uncle Jimmy excuses himself from conducting his orchestra and sits uncomfortably close to Toby. Sweeney suddenly walks into the room, covered in blood.)

Sweeney: Who wants toffee?

Toby/Mrs. Lovett/ Uncle Jimmy: I DO!

(The four of them happily skip out of the meat pie shop, on their way to the toffee shop they are joined by the Beggar Woman and Jack Sparrow.)

The last part is coming soon.