Safer Times

Lucy's p o v

Pain shot through me as I sat up sweating looking around. Where was I? What was going on? Why was my heart being so fast? Shivering I looked around seeing that light was streaming through the curtains. What had happened last night?

Groaning I buried my head in my hands on top of my knees I thought back to last night my mind was still hazy. Imagines came in bits and pieces.

Finally it came back to me I groaned what did I do? Did I really freak out on him like that? God how stupid was I? Stupid, jealous, insecure, pathetic would he forgive me? Why did he break up with me? God no..Brett..No.

I got up pacing back and forth all the years raced by inside my mind. I felt myself hyperventilating now. Lucy your so stupid so naïve so self fish so so so stupid. My heart beat even faster. I remembered our first real date.

We were 13 he was so romantic even if he wasn't the smartest he was so cute he picked me up. Well okay his older brother Erick picked us up along with his girlfriend Genna but it was Brett who came to my doors with a dozen roses. He was so nervous as he leaned in and kissed my check. He told me I looked beautiful.

We went to a musical in Indianapolis the whole time he had his arm across my shoulders. I remember the warm cozy feeling I got from being near him. How nervous I was about embarrassing myself but trying so hard to play it cool.

Than we went to skytop which is one of the most expensive restaurants on top of a skyscraper. The view is amazing than we went for a walk he held my hand and danced with me under the stars.

Brett is so handsome so strong so sweet a great lover he was dream date since I was three.

We were the perfect couple to everyone said so Brett and I grew up in the same elite circle our parents were golf partners we grew up going to the same country club for tennis lessons, swimming lessons golf games, we went to the same private elementary school.

I use to do everything to get him to notice me I asked my girlfriends to get his feelings for me. I pretended he hit me with a kickball. I fell crying like my ankle was sprained so he had to carry me to the nurse's office. Which was clear across the building but he did it and I took the opportunity to cuddle closer to him, I felt him pressed against me so I knew he felt me pressed against him.

I left secret admire notes in his book bag and desk. I pretended to need help with schoolwork with soccer lessons I loved the feeling of his hands on my waist.

I sneaked into the locker room when we were 12 and gave him a show which he thanked me for by pulling me into the shower with him I was fully clothed. He pushed me against the wall and kissed me long and hard.

He was the first to say he loved me course he was having a boner at the time and we were making out half naked in the locker room.

We had so much fun on every date he's sweet he's funny he loved to have fun.

Our parents were so over the top ecstatic when we became steady it was their plan since day one my parents adore Brett they think he's so well mannered respectful cute smart funny talented. They have no idea how well mannered he is with his hands as they respectfully feel my whole naked body as we make love.

I did everything to hold on to Brett lie blackmail betray steal I used my best friend set her up broke her heart squashed everyone else to stay on top. Had sex before I was ready to just to prove to Brett and every other cool kid that I was the queen bitch.

My parents already have the wedding date set every thing's paid for all we need is to grow up and graduate.

Now because of my jealously, insecurities I lost him god my parents would kill me. I felt my knees go weak my heart was racing. I took off to the bathroom leaving Kendra sleeping peacefully bitch could sleep through a thunder storm.

I was losing control shivering I stripped down to my birthday suit standing in front of the full length mirror. I felt the tears well up as I saw what was before me. Tons and tons of extra fatty ugliness. God I was awful no wonder Brett hated me enough to break up with me. My thighs were thicker than a frigging buffalo's ugly ugly ugly pounds of grossness. My fingers ran over and over my thighs feeling sick.

My stomach bulged out past my waist line. I gagged gross what guy would want me? Who would want to touch me kiss me make love to all this fat? My legs looked like two hippo's Brett would be ashamed to be seen with this. I was ashamed gross ugly stupid fat perfect for you Lucy cause your stupid self -fish and ugly.

One way to solve this violently I shoved my finger down my throat I turned on the water and leaned over the porcelain goddess. Shoving it so far down I could feel the balls hanging down in the back of my throat I gagged coughing and gagged some more till the acid rose and came up.

Mommy here's to you! Go buy yourself something pretty cause all I am is thanks to you gross disgusting chunks it makes me sick to think this is the hell my life has become. It suits cause you make me sick Mom.

Coughing spitting I gagged

This is for you Brett my throat burned as I forced it up you deserve someone pretty and thin someone you could be proud to call your girl. Not a lying backstabbing fat slut.

My chest ached as tears ran down my face.

This is for you Daddy hope your having fun where ever the hell you are.

I felt the burn as I threw up again and again and again. I thought of all the cheesy movies I had ever seen since I was a kid the ones that made girls like Kendra cry they told you lies about how true love was suppose to be.

Prince charming sweeping a girl off her feet promising true love and happy endings.

Lies all of them!

I had never seen true love lasting forever and ever.

From the time I was a kid I saw my dad cheating on my mom hell he had already sired two more kids by two different woman by the time I was 7 not that I was ever good enough to meet them.

How was it that I his first born was somehow the secret to be ashamed of?

I had no clue how many there were now seven or ten who knows? Who cares not me that's for sure.

One more make it good Lucy I gagged as I felt the finger tear flesh my chest heaved as I gagged horribly please don't let Kendra wake.

I was breathing heavy as I looked in the mirror blood shot eyes staring back at me ugly.

I was dizzy as all the thoughts flashed through me. I tried so hard to please everyone my parents who I always disappointed no matter how hard I tried.

I tried to be the best the prettiest the smartest girlfriend to Brett I tried to be a good friend.

I have issues I know this! I'm trying to fix them I swear but it's so damn hard no one gets me no one tries. No one understands what it's like having a crazy mom a dead beat dad.

It took forever to wash the taste out of my mouth did it matter? No one was going to kiss me today everyone I loved turned their back on me.

Kendra was sleeping soundly thank god I needed water or something, my legs were shaky as I made my way to the fridge choking down the water bottle in a few gulps.

My head was a jumble of emotions and thoughts every time I thought I was past my insecurities bam something happened and they came tumbling back harder than ever.

I saw a light on in the gym had to be Charlotte quietly I went down the hall. She was bright red sweating breathing heavy it scared me but it also inspired me she was so determined, she has such a killer body. Her legs so tanned so toned her calf's were amazing her flat firm stomach her abs she couldn't weigh more than 90 lbs. Her breasts were small but full they fell in perfect sync as she lifted the bar bell up counting.

390 301 392

She grunted and kept pushing her dark soft auburn curls fell over her eyes she blew annoyed. She pressed on.

Without bothering her I went over to the treadmill and started my routine.

Charlotte had her routine down by heart twenty minutes on the treadmill an hour on the stair master level three 600 stomach crunches 200 jumping jacks. 300 push-ups weights for thirty minutes, plus her running every morning and night.

Than there was our cheering practices both for school and our Elite team. Plus our dance team rehearsals.

She inspires me I wish I had her will her strength after the treadmill I went to the stomach crunches god I hate those!

I always struggle. On three twenty I was sweating and hurting so bad I was crying, I was so close to giving up when I felt her hands holding my legs down.

At some point we heard the toilet flush and knew Kendra must be up.

Lucy: "God I stink!"

Charlotte: "Yea girl you do"

She shoved me laughing panting sweating as she brushed her hair back our eyes connected as we laughed.

I felt safe with Charlotte she was the one friend; I felt I could count on she wasn't a backstabber like Cassie and Molly and she wasn't all soft like Kendra.

Charlotte: "Lets go shower girl we have a rep to maintain"

I can't depend on many people it's safer to me to rely on myself cause I am my own worst enemy and my own best friend.

As we headed up arms wrapped around each other's shoulders I wished that I could turn back time and go back to when I was a kid. When I was too little to be plagued by such sadness and such helplessness.

Child hood it seems like it's so far away now course when your a kid you can't wait to grow up you count the days till you'll be 13. When you can date when you can stay up late. At 14 you just want to get the hell out of this town so you can call your own shots date who you want.

Than you count the days till your 16 and you can drive and have freedom! 18 you can vote you can graduate and move out!

You never think that growing up means leaving the safety of your childhood memories the sound of your brother running and laughing as he chases the cat which hisses and swats, he laughs.

The fresh baking cookies from your nanny of the month. You never think about having to make adult decisions.

How those choices can effect your life and everyone around you.

Childhood now it seems so far away but it seems like Safer Times.

Too bad safety never lasts.