Charlotte

Billie: "Your such a loser Charlotte do you even know how many calories you stuffed in your hole you fat little pig?" Well I'll tell you, Fried Chicken 294, Marconi salad 640.0,Coke 140 add that all up fatty McCharlotte 1,074 do you know how long it will take to burn that off? Well I'll tell you stupid you will have to run for sixty minutes straight! Why aren't you running? Why are you just sitting there?"

Damn Billie was really at it she wasn't just making my head hurt she was killing my stomach I could feel the fat just oozing out. What did she expect me to do get up in the middle of class and start running? I mean really I was suppose to be popular not the class clown. Looking around I could see how uninspired everyone was by Ms. Madonna's lecture some were even sleeping.

Screw this who needed math anyway? Pulling out my ipad I logged onto my favorite website . Lucy and I discovered it four years ago we helped each other create our usernames. I was skinnyinmydreams and Lucy was Wishforthin. Looking over I could see Lucy was on her ipad as well grinning I logged in sure enough she was on. Making sure Ms. Madonna wasn't near us I quickly typed to her.

Skinnyinmydreams: "Omg so bored uh y do we have 2 take maths?" "God this food is making me sick don't know what to do, what to think, how to feel! I'm so confused, Billie is screaming at me she's trying to drive me crazy Uh sometimes I hate my life. My stomach is killing me!"

Wishforthin: "You can't cage a dragon, love, the only thing you can do is set her free, ik the feeling all that damn food Cassie made me eat I know she loves me but she doesn't understand I am NOT fucking attractive. I hate myself. Eating is NOT attractive. It's not cute. I'm NOTHING without control and starvation. I'm nothing!"

Skinnyinmydreams: "Need to start all over again! Can't cope w/ being this fat. It's like all logic has left my brain & all that's left is Billie. I know your right but I feel so guilty I can't do what I need than you'll feel like you have to and you can't"

Wishforthin:"No worries about me babe, I will be okay just do what u need 2 lovely I will burn all this shit off at practice, greatest benefits of having shit 4 parents like mine is no one cares if I stay up all night excising this crap off"

Skinnyinmydreams: "Omg did you see butterflythin's newest pic I hate her she lost twenty pounds in two days how the fuck did she do it so jealous u have 2 c her pic babe 4 real it's unreal"

Wishforthin:"I'll check it out she's a crazy bitch but I can't help but love and worship her I mean she has to be what 72lbs god I want 2b that thin!"

Skinnyinmydreams: "Bitch don't talk to me about being fat fuck your the thinnest of all of us u have no idea what it's like 2b me god I fucking hate myself if you google serving sizes my fat ass is a serving size of a family of seven. When you're too fat for all your clothes, getting dressed is just an unnecessary"

Tears were starting to well up why did I have to be so fat? Why couldn't I just be as thin as beautiful as Lucy? My stomach was making all kinds of noises, god I hate my body. I feel so alone I know she's by me but she isn't fat like me, I can't talk about how I feel to anyone, no one understands. How could they? Kendra was the hot thin blond who could eat whatever she wanted whenever she wanted she had a great heart she was dating Archie. I mean he's not popular but he's smart he's funny and people felt bad for him so they oohed over how Kendra was so sweet to see past his disabilities to get to know him. They were right for so long we judged him by his crutches his stutter but he's really a great kid who treats her like a queen. Than there's Cassie she's fierce and she knows it Cass is the most outgoing out of all of us she's a triple threat she can sing she can dance she is super smart I mean she's already been accepted into Harvard, Spelman's college, Florida A&m university. Cassie is the leader of almost every club in school at least the ones Lucy isn't. She sets her site on something and she works her ass off to get there. She's the most fashion forward out of all of us, she already knows she wants to have her own corporation someday which will of course involve around fashion. Anytime Lucy travels she always brings tons of clothes back for Cassie. She's been dating Richie for three years now. She never had to worry about her weight she has the fastest metabolism of anyone I had ever meet. God I hate her sometimes! I mean she's my bff but I hate her! She was just sitting there popping her gum after eating all those calories and I know she wasn't even worried.

Talking to Molly like it was nothing uh Molly so cool so confident she knows she's hip without even trying. I bet she doesn't stay up at night sweating with worry over her stomach, why would she I mean she only weights 105 lbs. She doesn't even put in much effort in practice and she's just amazing! Her stomach probably doesn't hurt so bad she feels sick. I feel so scared if I don't do something soon all these calories will just stay there they will add to all the blubber that surrounds my fat gross stomach.

Billie: "It's all your fault you disgusting worthless piece of shit you lost control you have to gain it back! Don't just sit there do something you coward be brave! Take back your control!"

The virabtion in my hands let me know someone else had logged onto Thinisbeautiful looking around I saw Ms. Madonna was in front completely engrossed in whatever the heck she was talking about. Scrolling down I saw my friend had logged on and messaged me.

FatPancake: "Uh I feel so bloated I haven't even ate in three days just filling up on water and I hate this feeling. I want to feel empty again I need to feel pure"

Skinnyinmydreams: "Lucy uh I envy you I lost control again I ate over a 1,000 calories in one sitting I have to get rid of this but I'm in class"

Fatpancake: "Did you take your pills this morning?"

Skinnyinmydreams: "Yes but they aren't helping my stomach hurts so bad!

FatPancake: "Remember it's all for a reason there's a beauty in suffering, suffering is a kind of mud that help the lotus flower of happiness grow. There can be no lotus flower without mud

Starting tomorrow I will go on a 3 day water/herbal tea fast starting tomorrow after breakfast I WILL complete this. I MUST lose this weight."

Skinnyinmydreams: "omg such a gr8 idea ty I will try this to wishforthin join me?"

I'm a hypocrite. I tell people to eat, but I starve myself. I tell others they're beautiful at any weight, but I don't believe that for me" God I can't take this anymore I have to get rid of this food!

My hand shoots up waving my bathroom pass which Ms. Madonna signs while scowling at me while she mutters. "Damn kids can't even sit through a 45 minutes class anymore" I didn't care what she thinks but I shrugged as she hands it me "What can I say I have the bladder of a squirrel"

Grabbing the pass I ran out of class my stomach hurt so bad I was almost doubling over but the pain was nothing compared to the war going on inside my head.

Billie: "Run Run Run faster you fat fuck up run but you'll never run fast enough to escape me! Run hurry you don't have much time left lets go chicken! You are what you eat you have to fix your mistake! You can run as fast as you want but you'll never be as thin as pretty as smart as Lucy she's always going to be thinner she will always be the winner"

Even as I fell on my knees in front of the toilet Billie wouldn't let up. She was relentless powerful scary.

Billie: "You don't try hard enough! You'll never be like Lucy look how hard she tries she's perfect she's a goddess. If you look at Lucy she will teach you how to be perfect how to be thin remember what I always teach you fatty if we turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them they can teach us how to not need."

Throwing up to me was as easy as teenagers picking up a cell phone we didn't need to look at what we were texting it was natural to our fingers. I didn't need to stick my finger down my throat I just opened my mouth gagged and like magic it all came pouring out. Disgusting yes that part still gets to me, but easy the acid burned as everything came up my chest felt like it was on fire, my face burned but I wouldn't stop. I had to be thin! I had to get rid of this shame.

Billie: "I know you Charlotte I know how awful you feel because I am you I know what you look like naked you should be ashamed no guy would want to touch you no one who counts your a freak an ugly hideous fat freak who would want to f… that? Your friends will never understand because their normal! They can date any guy they want their beautiful their thin, you made a mistake but I can fix it don't stop keep it coming up. Your weak I am strong! Your fat I am thin I am the you that you want to be!"

You can't control yourself that's why you binge you stupid fifthly animal, I can help you let me take over, stop filling your empty worthless depressed self with food, it won't help it only makes you more ugly"

My throat seemed to jam no it can't I need to get rid of this my heart was pounding so hard as hard as the tears were now flowing. My knees hurt from the cold hard tile floors, come on body don't fail me now. Sticking my finger down I gagged and gagged but nothing more came out. I swear my heart was shattering into a thousand pieces if I couldn't get rid of this shame I would be forced to wear it hear it jiggle. I would be too fat to be a flyer everyone would know how weak I was.

Billie: "Lets a girl good girl just like I taught you see Charlotte let me help you I will make your life so much sweeter, I will get you to the winning circle. I'll be your best friend not that skinny bimbo she doesn't care about you not like I do, I'll be your comfort your secret your best friend just surrender yourself to me"

Demon: "No Charlotte don't listen to her your beautiful you don't need her to be amazing just look into the mirror you are sexy as Lucy as beautiful as thin you are fabulous just as you are!"

Here's something Lucy would never understand while she had Ana and I had Billie I also had another voice a smaller weaker voice that tried to over power Billie. I called her Demon she was always trying to get me to eat to keep the food down. She gave me an even bigger headache.

Demon: "You don't need to throw up your not fat your a perfect weight as you are your body is just right, 105 is not fat it's too thin you need to eat you need to get your strength up your weight doesn't define you Billie is hurting you she's making you sick she is just a rouse to cover up how you feel you need to talk to someone you have an eating disorder get help listen to me not her"

Billie: "Shut up Demon she isn't thin enough she's too fat she needs me she needs to get rid of all this shame! Listen to me Charlotte your too fat to have an eating disorder she's sick she's trying to keep you as a fat screw up she's hurting you all this fat will kill you"

Pain over whelmed me as I sank to my butt completely empty now I should feel relived but all I felt was emptiness sadness and pain. I want to be thin. I want control. I want to conquer my body. But I want health. I want to enjoy food. I want to live a long life. I am so confused I am a prisoner in my own mind my own body. THIN NEVER COMES to me because the number on the scale is never small enough and neither is the size of my thighs. The more I eat The more I hate myself The less I eat well, I still hate myself. Tears wouldn't stop coming neither would the pain in my stomach. Oh god now the laxatives were working fast.

I felt like I was going to pass out but I couldn't I was a leader I was an inspiration to so many girls here I had to stay strong. Even if strong was killing me. I won't give up until the day my thighs don't touch, my stomach doesn't roll, and all my bones are visible I will be a vision of beauty flying through the air. I will make Dan Quayle proud, I will make Billie proud if I make her proud I make myself proud.

If I can get through all this fucking pain maybe I will some beauty it wasn't going to be today not even tomorrow or next month but someday in a few years when I was finally free of this town. When I was living my dreams. I know that promise Billie is making me will be true someday there will be no more tears, fears or pain. Someday I will be free I will be thin enough pretty enough smart enough.