(A/N: this chapter contains graphic violence, but I hope you enjoy it!)

Stefan

Why would she ask me that? Ask me to let her in, open up to her, like she wanted to know the shitty details on my life? They don't matter, all the pain and the problems I have, she doesn't need to know about. I look at Elena like she is a beautiful sunshine, always doing what she can for the community, her son, even her husband, whom she claims she doesn't know what they are anymore, she's so full of light, and beautiful, and I constantly feel like I take away from the light, like I'm suffocating her slowly. And I don't want that, she's too good for me, I'm not stupid.

I wonder why she bothers with me, when I can't even open up to her about my past, I could tell she was mad at dinner but I didn't want to say anything, cause a scene in front of Tom. Well, she got snippy with me when we were making out, and then soon she was touching my face and telling me to let her in.

Let her in? Let her into the guilt and unbearable pain from my past, the fact that I killed but not intentionally my best friend, the fact that my brother and I haven't talked in 5 years and we were doing fine, and I ruined that, how I was never going to be good enough for anyone in my family, I'm so filled with rage and unhidden sadness, I know she sees it in my eyes. Her mouth always turns up into a slight smile, when she knows I'm sad, and that's usually when she caresses my cheek with her soft hand, and I close my eyes, taking the little bit of energy I need from her.

When she asked me what we're doing here, I answered truthfully, I don't know.

I don't know what she wants from me, but I know that she makes my shitty life a bit better every time I see her, and speak to her, I know she's beautiful and smart and funny and sexy as hell, and I admire her, admire her for being so strong in this fucked up world. But I know she's not strong enough to handle what I've been through, there's too much sorrow, she'll run away, I know she will. That's why I want to keep it to myself, hide it, not feel it, and enjoy my time with her while I can.

She's not yours, I remind myself again.

I look over at the roof, down at the city lights, trying to clear my head, suddenly I hear the door open.

She found me.

"Hey Stefan." She says, her hand finds a place on my back, and I close my eyes, gripping the bar with my fingers, that I'm holding onto.

If I jumped.. she wouldn't be able to catch me.

I don't look at her, scared I'll break down, or say something stupid that will send her running away from me again.

"I'm sorry." She says rising her voice again before the hollowing wind takes it away, the wind chills me to the bone, the hoodie I'm wearing barely contains the warmth in my body.

Sorry? Sorry for what? None of this was her fault.

"It's not your fault." I say, turning to look deep into her eyes, her mouth is trembling a little bit, and it makes me feel worse for treating her like this.

"I shouldn't of pushed you." She whispers, her hand not leaving my back, as I just stare at her.

No, Elena, this is all my fault, why don't you go?

"I shouldn't of acted like that, Elena... I'm stupid." I say, looking at her, but she shakes her head.

"You're not... you're.." She trails off for a second and I watch her, trying to think of words to call me that won't hurt my feelings, at this point, I didn't care about my feelings, I'm a mess.

Say I'm a mess.

"So.. damaged." She finally gets out, and I freeze, my insides turning cold at those words.

Damaged, fixed beyond repair.

She moves her touch from my back to her face, and I don't say anything.

Why was she so good to me? I didn't deserve it.

"You torture yourself because you think you deserve it.. but you don't. You don't have to hide.. I'm here... if you want me to be." She trails off, looking into my eyes, her brown eyes so vulnerable, that it makes me heart hurt.

I can't be what you want me to be, Elena, I'm nobody..

The wind howls towards us, and some strands of hair come out of her bun, blowing her into her face, I find myself gently reaching down and tucking the strands of hair back from her face, looking into her eyes.

She stares at her, her eyes doe and innocent, so brown and compassionate.

She smiles at me, and it sends tingles down my spine, it runs through my soul, like electricity, making me feel a tiny bit better.

Finally, I speak up, looking into her eyes, my fingers still on her cheeks.

"I appreciate you being there for me." I finally say, and I watch her nod her head slowly, still smiling lightly at me.

"Come back to bed, then." She whispers, taking her warm hand in my cold palm, I close my eyes and look over the the edge for a second but find my feet moving forward when she gently pulls me back from the edge, I walk with her downstairs.

I watch as she changes for bed, her tan body in the moonlight, showing me certain parts, she takes down her long hair and I stay in my hoodie and boxers, feeling cold, as I watch her.

We lay down on the bed, and I wrap my hands around her waist, pulling her closer to me so my chin is resting on her shoulder, she molds into me, and I inhale her sweet scent, she smells like lemon, bringing back memories of my childhood, making me smile.

Before I feel myself fall, I whisper thank you, she must of heard me because she rubs her thumb with my palm, making me even more sleepy, as my eyelids slowly shut, she's breathing peacefully next to me, her heart beat in sync with me as I find myself drifting from the world.

Dream

"Stefan, stop being such a pansy." Tom says, as we walk down the street to our favorite, bar, we're back in California, and it's scorching.

I laugh and shake my head, dressed in shorts and a tank top.

"I'm not." I argue, and Tom punches me in the shoulder, in response, I rub my shoulder and look over across from us.

Suddenly, my friend appears out of nowhere.

"Hey, Kev." I yell, walking over to his and he smiles, meeting me halfway, he's dressed in black shorts and a white shirt, his skateboard under his arm.

"Tommy and I are about to hit up this bar, wanna go?" I ask him, looking at him but he doesn't reply, I stare at him.

"Hey, are you okay?" I ask, looking at him, my heart rate begins to pick up.

Tom looks at him too, suddenly, Kevin goes down, and he starts turning an unnatural shade of blue, he begins choking.

I cry out, pushing Tom back, as he tries to help him.

"Tom, call an ambulance!" I yell, pushing Tom towards the payphone.

But he doesn't move and suddenly I am being knocked over by Tom, he has his hands around my throat, digging his knees into my sides, making it unbearable to breath

"Tom, what the fuck!." I yell, trying to get him off me, but he punches me in the mouth, I cry out, feeling the blood drip from my lip to my chin.

"Kevin, is he okay?" I yell, and I see the tracks in Tom's arms, he must of just started hallucinating.

"You killed Kevin, you son of a bitch!" He yells, choking me with all his rage, his face is red like a tomato, and spit begins to collect, dripping down on me.

"NO." I shout, feeling my body become weak at this news.

"He said watch over him, Stefan, you let him die, it's all your fault." I feel as Tom starts banging my head into the concrete.

Suddenly, I am awaken from shaking, I bolt straight up, as I feel the sweat on my body, cool against the sheets.

I look around in the darkness, fearing this is just another dream, but then I hear her voice.

Elena.

"Are you okay?" She asks, running her light fingers down my sweat covered cheek, the touch is cool against my flesh, and I can't help but lean into it.

"You.. you said something about Tom." She questions, but I'm too exhausted to speak as I lean my head into her shoulder, breathing heavily, it's cold against my forehead and it feels good.

She continues to run her fingers along my hair, making my heart beat calmer at each second she does it, I still breathe heavily against her shoulder.

"You're okay." She whispers, as I feel my throat wheezing as I try to catch my breath.

I want to shake my head and tell her I'm not going to be okay, that I fucked so many things up, but I can't find my voice and I'm too tired.

"You're gonna be okay." She repeats, stroking my hair.

I feel my breathing return to normal, as I pull my head back, looking into her eyes, this was it, I was going to tell her, and hope she wasn't going to run away.

"I killed someone." I say, my voice hoarse as I close my eyes.

I feel her take a sharp breath, but she doesn't drop her hand from my hair, as she gently strokes it.

"W-what?" She asks, her voice low against my ear.

"It's my fault.. there was an accident." I whisper, closing my eyes as I picture Kevin's blue dead face in my eyes, as he reaches for me.

"What kind of accident?" She questions, her fingers still in my hair, calming me down.

I clear my throat, awkwardly.

"Heroin." I manage to get out and I feel her nod against my ear.

"What happened, Stefan?" She asks, rubbing my back with her free hand.

And I appreciate the comfort as I begin to tell her about that night in the basement and when I finished, I hang my head low, tears threaten to spill from my eyes, I don't want her to see me cry, but she gently lifts my head up.

But I turn my face away, feeling a tear run down my cheek.

"Stefan, look at me." She whispers, gently, but I turn my head away stubborn.

"Look at me." She says, firmly, gently raising my head to her level, I stare into her brown eyes, my heart thudding against my chest as she reaches out and flicks the tear away.

"I'm not going to run away, and you're not going to lose me, you don't have to torture yourself, it isn't you fault Kevin died, you did everything you could, Stefan. You can't control everything, Stefan, Some things are beyond our control." She whispers, sadly, as she holds my face in her delicate hands.

I stare into her eyes, a smile creeping on my face, but it's not a happy one, it's sad as I shake my head slightly.

"Yes, I did try my best to save him but my fault was letting him him do it, which caused him to overdose.. I could of stopped him, could of stopped him from getting high, but I didn't, I let us all drown in our misery, and I watched him ruin himself without doing shit to stop it." I say in a sad tone,, still looking at her, her facial expression changes from sadness, to confusion to determination, I wonder what thoughts was going in that pretty head of hers?

"Don't try to make this okay, because you and I know that it's not." I finish, feeling my eyes well up with tears again, I blink them away, fidgeting with my thumbs in my lap.

"It's not okay, you lost your best friend, but with him that night, you lost a part of yourself too and now you're letting the guilt consume you, and your entire soul, it's ripping away at the good parts of you Stefan, I'm not saying you're entirely bad, but we all make mistakes, I made a tons more, and I still make more to this day.. but killing whatever is left inside of you, is no way to live, you just have to learn to live with mistakes, otherwise, you'll let yourself drown in the guilt, and it will end you." She says, looking at me, her face upturned into that soft smile she does when I'm sad.

I stare away, looking at the white wall.

Was it too late to stop it from consuming me?

I sigh deeply.

"I guess I let it consume me because... when I was younger, an aspiring lawyer for my dad's company, every time I made a mistake, he called me stupid, he wouldn't let me do anything else until I corrected the mistake, when I was younger he would beat me... not for the right reasons, like lying or talking back, but .. just questioning him, his ability to take care of me.. my brother.. Damon he always protected me best he could.. but.. I let my dad control me, and I guess what I'm saying is I let him take away little parts of myself, until I fit into his description of me." I say, still not looking at her, as her hand comes up to my back, again rubbing it.

"Stefan, that's terrible." She whispers, and I can just imagine the tears in her eyes.

I shake my head, my hands going up to my face as I gently tug at my hair, wanting to hurt myself, it helps with the guilt and pain.

But she gently grabs my hands away, again, holding them, and I feel a little tingle go down my spine.

"Don't do that.." She whispers, rubbing my palm with her thumb, soothingly.

I open my eyes and her face is patient with me, her mouth trembling a little bit.

I shake my head, gulping lightly.

"I guess.. I'm not good enough for anyone, with or without my father. The truth is.. I don't matter to anyone." I chuckle, not in humor, but to keep from crying.

She shakes her head, her eye brows furrowed.

"You're good enough for me, you do matter to me." She whispers but I shake my head, pulling my hands from hers.

"You're just going to leave like everyone else." I whisper, and her shoulders sink a little bit, but she smiles softly at me, her hands under my chin as she lifts it up, my breath hitches in my throat.

"What about your husband?" I whisper, and I see her gaze start to falter but then she looks into my eyes again, her eyes shining.

"I'm not sure... what I feel for him anymore, he doesn't get me like you do, and I feel things I haven't felt in a long time with you, things I don't think I've felt with him at all..and as for leaving you, don't worry, I have intentions of doing that." I hear her promise, as she catches me by surprise again, gently leaning her lips onto mine.