Charlotte

[A/N This chapter contains some explicit material that maybe upsetting for younger readers]

"Charlotte's home! Oh my god it's going to snow!"

"Holy shit call the pope I need to confess I am in shock!"

That's the greetings I came home to as my brothers Luca and Jacopo were throwing a football in the living room. They weren't they only ones my youngest brothers Nario and Nicoli started screaming as they ran up grabbing me of course they couldn't be outdone by Luca and Jacopo who both leaped on me tackling me to the couch.

Their shouts brought the whole family running in and let me tell you it's a huge family. Let me break it down for you. I have six sisters Isabella, Alessa, Maddalena, Hadley, Kayla, Sable and five brothers Giovanni, Jacopo, Nario, Nicoli, Luca. Like any typical Italian family we don't just live with my immediate family. We also have my mom's older brother my uncle Tony his wife Elizabeth and their kids Kalani, Kalea, Kaleb, Koby. My Dad's younger brother Aapo his two sons Aaron and Aart, My Mom's younger sister Kasey her husband Leo and their kids Abby and Abbott. Her older brother Macario his wife Rosa their kids Mack and Selena. Than there's her older brother Makamae's widow Ariana who lives here with her kids Max and Taavetti and Hannah.

Everyone had something to say to me like Bitch where have you been? Have you been eating? You look sick. I was in no mood for any of them. The whole weekend had been strange to me, Eddie was trying so hard to be sweet to me but I can't stop thinking about when we were 13, he was my first boy that I willingly gave myself to but I was super drunk and to this day I don't know if I was truly in my right mind when we did it in his dad's truck.

Moving past them I went into the kitchen where my aunt Liz was rocking her youngest Koby trying to feed him, help my mom, sister Isabella with the dishes, they shouted as I came inside. Isa came running over dropping one of the plates to hug me. I miss her so much I hardly ever see her or Hadley since they live in La now. I wish I could talk to them but they would have no idea what I was feeling I could never truly explain it to them.

Eddie and I have remained friends since we had sex but I have never been truly comfortable around him, this weekend really was the first time we've been close. Part of me really enjoyed being with him. He was trying he brought me flowers he held my hand told me I was beautiful he asked before he did anything. Still there was a part of me that was afraid to be intimate with him. It was confusing me so damn bad. I wanted to make love to him but every time he touched me I froze. That's the real reason I almost drowned because when he kissed me I felt like I was suffocating. My whole body felt on fire, my chest my head, I was dizzy and I couldn't get into it, I wanted to but I just I couldn't.

Mom started crying as soon as she saw me come in yelling at me in Italian hitting me with her dishrag. Than hugging me so hard I thought I was drowning again. Yet I didn't want her to stop truth is I know how lucky I am to have such a beautiful loving mom I wish I could be home with her more often. But I can't between school, practice and Lucy my life is so busy. Mom pulled me over to the table shoving me down.

Concetta: "Mia il mio amore you look so thin so pale what is wrong? Are you okay?

Are you cold? You look like your cold, where have you been? Talk to me how was school?"

"Are you hungry darling you need to eat sweetie let me fix you a meal"

"No Mom I'm fine I ate before I came home"

"Sweetie are you sure? You look so thin what did you eat?"

"I had a sandwich and a salad Lucy and I split it"

Pulling her hands off of me I assured her I was fine I hated lying to her but if she knew I hadn't eaten a bite she would be so worried she'd make me eat a huge feast right now I couldn't handle that. So I changed the subject told her that school was great we were busy as ever, I told her about Lucy making captain, getting dumped than getting back together. I left out certain details of course she didn't need to know about the mud baths, the love making or the almost drowning parts or the drinking. My dad must be traveling again I can never keep track of his schedule I missed him but mom does an amazing job of keeping it all together snuggling with her I thanked god for giving her to me, I held back my tears I wish I could talk to her.

The events of the week started to catch up to me so I excused myself gave everyone kisses and went upstairs to shower. The warm water felt amazing against my body, I imagined Eddie holding me kissing me. God I wanted to make love to him so bad but I was starting to feel afraid I would never be able to be a guy ever again. Getting out drying myself I looked at my body, fat thighs, I hit them feeling tears well up, my stomach one big sloppy messy blob of ugliness, my checks uh why did I have to have baby fat it's not cute as Lucy says it's nasty it's gross. My legs their huge I know it's from being so athletic but god why do they have to be so fat? They should be muscular not fat!

Billie: "Your gross Charlotte it's no wonder Eddie doesn't want to make love to you he just wants sex, you know the cheap dirty humping that sluts like you do you'll never be a girl any guy wants to be inmate with you'll always be the cheap thrill, you have no will power no strength guys like girls with class not trash like you, you fat ugly slut"

She's right I had no pride I had nothing any guy would want the low whistle brought me back to reality as I saw him in the reflection. Fear consumed me but before I could think, scream react the door was shut and locked he was on top of me his hand over my mouth. Pain rushed to my face as he slammed me against the hard cold wall face first. My towel was pulled off me faster than my brain could react the sound of his zipper echoed in my ears. His hand prevented me from screaming out words but as he shoved himself inside of me from behind my whole body screamed with a burning fire of pain on the inside.

Max: "You owe me bitch I spent three long years in prison because of your lie, we all know you lied you saw nothing, you are nothing, just a cheap dirty little lying whore. You know what that place is like why would you be so stupid so heartless…

Fear, confusion over took me as he yanked my hair so hard several pieces fell out pulling out he slammed me onto the cold hard titles, the house was so full yet I felt so alone. I couldn't scream, I couldn't make a sound. His left hand covered my mouth as his right hand grabbed my legs separating them, they knew they felt my fear they didn't want to move this just made him angrier so he took his hand away for a few quick seconds to slap me.

Pain burned across my face as I tried to push him off but he's stronger older he grabbed me body slamming me to the ground hitting me, punching me growling at me to shut my mouth stop fighting. Than he yanked my legs apart pain pierced through me as he penetrated me. I felt so hopeless so dirty how could my own cousin do this to me? There's no one I can talk to no where I can go he would find me he would hurt me he always does.

Lucy was my only person I could count on. I imagined she was with Brett I knew from Eddie that Brett had planned to wow her tonight, was he successful? I hope so she deserved to be happy to have a guy kiss her body treat her like a queen tell her she was worthy. If I screamed if anyone cared enough to come he would say I wanted it I threw myself at him he fought me off, I was a slut. They would believe him they always did.

I hoped I prayed it would be over soon, I did everything to block out the pain. I imagined Brett kissing Lucy telling her she was beautiful. It sounds sick I know but it's what got me through.

Sleep wasn't an option I couldn't feel safe inside that house not with Max there not ever again I haven't felt safe there since I was seven years old. My whole body hurt like hell my head was pounding, my heart was aching. I was slow to move every movement sent new waves of pain coursing through my bruised body. Yet I was careful to not wake anyone, how long had we been in the bathroom? I didn't know but everyone was asleep. Grabbing my book bag I threw it outside where were my keys? Crap I couldn't find them. I couldn't stay here through so I started walking. I had to get away I had to clear my head. I felt sick I felt used, dirty afraid.

Why did this keep happening? What did I do to deserve this? I was just an innocent kid when he started his terror. Seven there was no one to talk to than just like there is no one to talk to now. They can never understand no one can till it happens to you. The feel of the pavement as I started to run felt like rocks being hurled at my damaged body. People say if you don't think about it then it won't hurt, hold your head up keep going stay strong there all amazing sayings to make someone feel better, but that's all they are sayings. How am I suppose to hold my head up when I feel so violated I feel like my head will snap off from this weight I am carrying on my shoulders. My feet hurt so bad it gave me something new to think about no pain no gain it's what our coach always says. Keep running Charlotte keep running.

Think about how these pounds will slip away Charlotte think about the day when you will be beautiful when you will be free. He won't be able to hurt you anymore, they say it gets better with time but how am I suppose to believe that? When it's been happening everyday every week for nine years. Little touches on my legs, little whispers, threats, every where I go he watches me. Someday though I will be free I will be living in Hollywood with Lucy will be in college living our dreams. Keep running keep running, you'll be thinner you'll be beautiful. You'll be able to fly higher, kick higher.

Once I am famous no one can touch me without consent, I will leave this life behind me, Max, my fears, my pain, my shame, I'll let it all go, first I have to lose this weight. My feet burned so bad my chest ached from the unshed tears I couldn't keep going everything crashed down as I tried to grasp onto something to hold me up.

Crying on the inside, Gasping on the outside shaking I dialed the one person I knew I could count on, the numbers blurred behind my tears, but I didn't need to see them she was my first person on speed dial. She didn't need to hear an explanation just my gasps, she was there within minutes, she didn't ask questions she just jumped out grabbed my bag and lead me to her car.

Lucy's eyes watched me I could see her swallowing she didn't know what to say, I couldn't look at her I would start crying. There wasn't anything she could say she had never been in my shoes, gently she just laid her hand on my shoulder it was enough to comfort me. I couldn't look in her eyes I would break.

We didn't talk she just drove we didn't go back to her house she knew Brett was the last person I needed or wanted to see at that moment. Closing my eyes I tried to get some sleep stupid mistake those memories came crashing back Max holding me down hitting me the pain of his penetration his moans of pleasure, the feeling of him inside of me, his hands on my skin, I felt like bugs were crawling on me, I scratched but they were digging deeper. His whispers of 'I Love You" "You'll pay for hurting me" "You like this dirty slut" Lucy put on some music to help relax me taking my hand. Somehow I fell asleep because when I opened my eyes we were at the gym, I should be moving but I couldn't.

She didn't ask questions or offer her thoughts simply took my bag and my hand gently pulling me up. Laying my head on her shoulder I felt thankful for god for giving her to me. Intensity Ice Angels Cheer and Dance/ Gymnastics in Indianapolis, Indiana it's our second home, seeing as it was only three am the parking lot was practically empty a handful of vehicles scattered in the lot. I was so thankful the gym was open 24 seven but only the most determined of us ever came here outside of practice time.

We made it inside the locker room without being seen she took my bag taking out new clothes for me,. Holding onto the locker I felt my strength start to waver, everything was closing in on me I had started to feel safe, it's been three years since he had been near me, I was a kid last time now I wasn't I had a womans body now which means oh dear fucking god… I could get pregnant. The thought made everything move so fast my stomach rose my head spun my legs took off. I heard Lucy call to me but I couldn't stop till I got inside the bathroom stall and everything came rushing up. She was by me in seconds holding my hair back as she rubbed my back while I spit up chocked cried.

I was shaking so much when I was done I couldn't even stand she lifted me up wiped my mouth held my hair back with one hand and scooped water in her hand so I could rinse. Than she gently hugged me kissing my head as I cried in her arms.

Charlotte: "What if I get pregnant Lucy? God I can't I can't…

She didn't shush me she just rocked me kissed me and held me while I bawled when I did look up I saw she was crying as well. She didn't try to give me so hopeless lies about how everything would be okay she simply kissed my face told me she loved me and she would help me get through this. Than she took my hand walked me to the shower helped me undress and walked in with me.

The water scolded my body making my skin crawl as memories came crashing back again. Nothing could wash them away no steam tears blinded me as I scrubbed and scrubbed beating my hands against my stomach. Why? Why? Why did this happen? Why did he chose me? Was I that ugly? Unlovable? What was I being punished for?

Growing up I idolized him he was the golden child the kid who saved his mom from his dad's drunken wrath. He was nine when his dad came home with a gun beat his mom raped her in front of Max his older brother Taavetti and younger sister Hannah. He stepped in front of his mom when he dad pulled the gun out taking the bullet meant for his mom.

He was in a coma for two weeks we thought he wouldn't make it the whole family prayed for him I remember it all very well. I was six when it happened Max and I use to be so close he was the one who babysat me who made up stories when I couldn't sleep, who made my bears talk to me, he would make up songs and act them out with me.

Things changed after he came out of the coma he was different everyone said it was the trauma they said to give him time. I was afraid though the whole family thinks he's an angle who can do no wrong, he went on to be a hero in there eyes saving his mama, Max recovered he played soccer, football, basketball made excellent grades, Something wasn't right though ever since he was shot he had a darker side he was obsessed with death, dark magic. He would chase little animals and catch them make them squirm and than slowly kill them. The grownups looked passed it but I didn't. The first time he babysat me after was when it happened Max use to be my protector, that night though he was the one I needed saving from.

He told me we were going to play a game. So I hide inside the closet. I thought it was my brother who climbed in with me so I didn't say anything when his arm slipped over my shoulders covering my mouth. I was often known to scream or give myself away when hiding everything scared me dust, mice, bugs. Than I felt a hand on my bottom rubbing it, slowly it went up my leg. Rubbing it than I felt his fingers down there touching me. I couldn't scream or cry I was too scared too confused but I heard a female voice she told me to let go of my fear put my trust in her she would be my new protector.

Her name she told me was Billie.

Every time he babysat me after that he had a new game for us to play. I hated each one worse than the last. Every family party became a nightmare. It never stopped it only got worse, he went from touching me kissing me to making me touch him, stroke him, kiss him. I was ten the first time he raped me, eleven the first time he raped me back there. I prayed to god everyday to take away my pain god didn't hear me or care.

I tired to tell my parents they told me I was a dirty liar who needed to repent my sins. It was the first time my mom ever hit me. I cried for days I felt so alone. So I buried it all away Lucy was the only one I trusted she's the only one who knows the only one who never judged me told me I was a liar,

Three years ago I found Hannah crying half naked she told me it was Max who had hurt her but her mom told her she was a liar. I knew something had to be done, Hannah was so brave when I took her to the hospital. She told them everything I couldn't. When the police asked for witness I made the choice that changed everything. I lied told them I walked in on it I swore under oath that I saw him rape her.

My testimony put Max away he was sentenced to seven years, to Hannah I was her hero to my family I was the bitch that locked away the golden boy. His mom has never forgiven me, my mom won't talk about it, my sisters talk behind my back and call me a liar to my face. My brothers they stopped protecting me stopped treating me like a princess. Sure they love me they talk to me but it's not the same. The hole town knows I lie, they whisper it they point they stare even my own friends sing about Everything Charlotte says is a lie. Expect it's not really a lie sure I didn't see the attack but I knew it happened. It's happened to me I know it's happened to others but no one talks about it. Tears clogged me again I was red from scrubbing nothing was working everything was consuming me I fell to my knees screaming as Lucy dropped down by me grabbing me as I chocked on my tears my screams. She held me rocked me while I beat the walls till I was weak and lifeless.