Stefan
I groan lightly, as I feel soft hands on my face, the wind picks up against my body, and I feel the sun on my skin, turning my body warm, I quickly open my eyes, and realize that I'm on a soccer field, but it's a familiar soccer field, am I dead?
It's the soccer filed me and Damon used to go to when we were younger, our mom would watch us, kick the ball back and forth, and Damon would cheer me on as I'd try to make a goal, he always said I'd be a great soccer player one day, well, now I'm dead, brother, God was probably preparing my hell as we speak.
I look down and realize that I'm in my old soccer uniform, the red shorts, and white shirt, Damon lent me from his old uniform, suddenly I see someone I hadn't seen in a long time, rushing towards me, her blue eyes still as beautiful as I remember them to be, I always got jealous because Damon took them from her, and every time after the death if I even looked into his blue eyes I'd become sad, they always reminded me of her.
"M-mom?" I ask, as I begin to smile, she looks so beautiful, with her red checkered dress, and black shoes, her hair in pin curls, her lips painted, red, hiding her pearly white teeth, she smiles at me, and it makes me feel warm, and I rush to her, my heart swelling in my chest.
"M-om." I choke out finally, as her warm hands run through my hair, comforting me as I sob silently, not believing she's here.
"Mom- I'm.. I'm so sorry." I choke out, as I realize that she must know what I've done.
"My sweet.. Stefan." She says softly, as he strokes my hair, and I almost feel six again, but I'm not, I'm 25, and dead.
"Mom..p-lease forgive me." I whisper, and bury my face in her neck, inhaling her sweet scent, the scent that always calmed me down.
"I forgive you, son.. Now.. we're together." She whispers, as she continues to stroke my hair, and I feel the wind rush past us.
"I..yes." I finally say, as I bite my lip, she pulls back, and wipes my tears with her soft fingers.
"Now, no more crying, Stefan." She scolds softly.
"Look at you, so handsome, so beautiful." She whispers, as she cradles my face with her warm hand, and I stare into my mother's crystal blue eyes.
"Are you ready to come to heaven?" She asks me, as she grabs my hand, softly.
I tighten my grip on her hand, I was ready, even if that's where I wasn't going, I was ready to pass on, and not have to disappoint anyone, not have to be in anymore pain, or live my life, or be hurt again, I was ready to be with my mother, I was ready to start a new life with her.
"Y-es." I say cautiously, and she smiles her joyful smile, and starts to pull me away, and I feel the sky get darker, each time I take a step, her warm smile reassures me though.
Suddenly, I feel a firm grip on my shoulder, and I turn around, my breath catches in my throat, as I see Damon, his face in a serious expression, as he doesn't let go.
"No, don't leave." He says, and I look closely to see tears in his eyes, and it makes my heart ache.
"Let go!" I yell out in anger, because I want him to, I was ready to die wasn't I? Even if it meant leaving Damon.. the one person who was my hero all these years.
"I have no one! Let me go with mother!" I yell, and I turn around to see mother fading from me, and I wrestle from Damon's grip, but he holds tighter onto me, as my hand reaches for her blindly.
I watch as she fades and then she's just a mere speck in the sky and I find myself saddened by all this as I cry softly, Damon's protective arms still wrapped around me, as I feel the harsh tears on my cheeks and an empty feeling in my heart.
"No, I don't have anyone anymore." I sob silently onto his shoulder.
Damon turns me to face him and I fight him as first, angry that he took mother away from me, angry that now there was a hallow feeling in my heart again, when seconds ago I was feeling an immense amount of joy.
But he reaches up and gently wipes my tears with his fingers his blue eyes trained on me.
"You have me." Damon says in a firm tone, and I stop wrestling, as I feel myself very tired, all of sudden, and I sink into his arms, and let him hold me, unable to breath, as I cry, I finally let out all I've been feeling in the past few weeks, losing Elena, losing him, the bitterness, the anger, and the feeling of being completely and utterly alone.
"I'm sorry.. I'm sorry." I keep repeating, but I can't hear his reply, I grunt when I feel a sharp pain in my chest, and it feels like someone is burning me, like someone is putting a hot iron on my chest.
I feel myself breathing, as some people are scurrying over me, I open one eye, sleepily, as I see doctor's over me.
"Patient is responding, stop the machine." A doctor yells, and I see his mask in my blurring vision.
I feel my fingers move, as I move them, and I look up to see the titled ceiling, I was assuming we were in the hospital, that I wasn't dead, that I wasn't going to be with my mother.
My hands tighten in fists, at the thought of my mother being gone, and I will never see her, or touch her, or here her sweet voice again.
I close my eyes, begging that God would just take me away, why did he offer me this second chance at life? I was just going to waste it, there was nothing here for me anymore, that dream with Damon, I wasn't even sure if it was a dream, but he brought me back, and he probably wasn't even here in this hospital, he comforted me as I was ascending to heaven with our mom, his strong arms warm in memory around me, as I cried out all my frustrations, and pain, and heartbreak, but now I am awake, and although my heart is beating, I'm beyond dead inside.
I feel myself fading from the world, and maybe it's tiredness, but I hear my heavy heartbeat in my ears before the whole world goes black again.
I'm standing in the forest, the trees are green, and a wind rushes past me, making the leaves sway in the beautiful autumn night, it's dark, and I can barely see out in front of me, I'm wearing dark blue pants and a red plaid shirt, my hair is cut short, and for a second, I think I can't be dreaming, this is who I was in high school, before I turned evil.
I squint in the distance and see a flame there, it's glowing orange, and the harsh light burns my eyes as it comes closer, up close, I see Elena, her brown hair pulled to the side in a knotted braid, her blue dress swaying in the wind, she holds the lantern up to my face, and my green eyes hesitant to look into her brown eyes, her face softens at the expression.
"Elena.. what are you doing here?" I wonder out loud, as she puts the lantern between us, it glows so I can see her beautiful face, as I hold it in my mind, she looks so young and care free, just as I remembered her, the wind blows her hair into her face, and I almost reach out to move it behind her ear, like I did the first day I met her, the first day we saw each other, but I refrain from it, because I know this isn't real, and it feels like heaven, and my heart hurts as I hold her steady gaze in my green eyes.
"I'm in your imagination, Stefan. You're dreaming of me." She whispers, and reaches out to touch my face with her warm hand, it ignites a spark in my heart.
I stare at her, as I move my hand up to her wrist, my eyes half closed, as I take in this final moment, her pulse quickens against my wrist.
"I never got to say what I wanted to, before you left." I swallow, as I hear her tiny gulp in the distance of my ears, my eyes open to find her looking at me, in such love, it makes my heart jump, from nervousness.
"What did you want to say?" She asks, as she tilts her head like a child, her hair falling into her eyes, and I reach out, and move it behind her ear again, her soft ear grazes my fingertips, and she softly smiles at me, waiting for an answer.
"I love you, Elena, God, I love you.. when you left... I can't explain it, it's like you took each part of yourself that made me love you, with you, you took our memories, our laughs, our "I love yous." But the worst part is, is that after you left, you took the strength I had, the strength of living, Elena.. I.. I died. I died when you left, both physically and mentally, and yes I sound like a wuss.. and I don't want you to be mad at me, but I want you to know that I love you, I have always loved you, and yes, I don't regret a single moment either, I'd do it all over again, if I could, and I wouldn't change a thing." I whisper and her breath hitches in her throat, as I see tears in her brown eyes, and I feel myself reflecting her brown eyes as I feel tears in mine.
Before she can speak, I lean down and capture her lips in mine, they feel soft against my lips, and I feel her warm arms, the one's that guided me away from nightmares, and comforted me in my darkest nights, wrap around me, and I pull her closer by her waist, and I hear her tiny heartbeat in my ears, as I think about how real this feels, and I wonder if she's actually here, and I'm not dreaming, and my heart breaks in pain, as we pull back, and she breaths heavy against me.
"Stefan, Salvatore, I love you." She confirms, as she rubs her nose with mine, and a thousand memories flood through my mind, as I hold her in my warm embrace, the lantern glowing between us.
"You're going to make it, I promise, I know it doesn't feel like it, but Stefan, let that pain in, but don't let it consume you, let it comfort you, I.. I just want you to be happy." She whispers, and I shake my head, as tears stream down our cheeks in the dark forest, the wind chilling me to the bone.
"Even if it's not with me, I want you to be happy." She states in a firm tone, and I shake my head wildly, protesting her statement, I could never find someone to be happy with, someone that lit up my life, and made me want to live again, I could never possibly love like that again.
"No, Elena.. please, say it again, please." I whisper, and I know she knows what I'm asking, I want her to say that she loves me again, that she's not letting me go again, that I'm not also dreaming this real nightmare in my conscious, she cut me so deep when she left, now I'm left with scars, my sunshine is gone, she's gone.
"I love you." She whispers, and I try to wipe her tears away, but I feel myself being woken up, a sharp pain goes through my body, as I open my green eyes, the room is blurry for a second, and I'm face to face with someone who shouldn't be here, his blue eyes are staring at me wildly, his expression is a mix between pain and relief.
"Oh my god, Stefan." Damon, my brother, says, as he stands up.
I watch him in the corner of my eye, his eyes staring at me, like he's scared to look away, scared I'll disappear again.
I'm not sure what to say, my mouth goes dry at the sight of him here, embarrassment and shame floods through my body and cheeks heat up when I think about how I got here, I had died, I know that, but now I was alive, but did I want to be? Did I care enough to live and try again? I think about my second dream, seeing Elena in the forest, how real it felt, how I could reach out and touch her, her soft lips pressed to mine, and my arms around her skinny waist, never wanting to let her go, except I did, and now I was left with no one, my anger heats up my cheeks, as I watch my brother, how pathetic he looks here, pretending to care about me, when he lied to me so easily the last time, his betrayal cut me deep, and I'm still angry about it, my eyes focus on him, as he sits there, his shirt is wrinkled and his pants are torn at the bottom, I wondered why he wasn't in his fancy suit, parading around town, surely, he must have asked dad for his job back now that I wasn't in the picture.
He doesn't say anything, just stares at me with a patient face, the same face he used to use with me when he caught me doing something bad when we were kids, and I had to confess to him, well, now I don't have to confess shit to him, what would he know about that deep pain that cuts me all the time? What would he know about being miserable, when he has the perfect life: a nice house, a loving wife, nice things, he doesn't know shit about pain, he never did. I, I always got the short end of the stick, our father blames me for most of the problems in the family, that's all I am, the black sheep, that Damon wants to fix. Well, I won't let him fix me.
"What the fuck are you staring at?" I raise an eyebrow at him, and his face kind of shrinks at my course language, but I don't care.
"I'm not a toy to be fixed, brother, if you have something to say, just say it." I spit out, and watch as he folds his hands in his lap, their pale, kind of like his face, his blue eyes stare at me nervously.
"Stefan, I thought you were dead." He says, as he sighs through his teeth, his leg bounces, another nervous habit of his, against the wooden chair.
I tilt my head in his direction, as I study him.
"I was." I say, as I look away, because memories of our mother comes back into my mind, I try to push them out, before I do something stupid like cry.
"Wh-y." He says, in a sad tone, and I don't dare look at him, because I already know his facial expression is sadness, and theirs probably some tears in his blue eyes, but I don't understand why.
I laugh quietly, not because anything was funny, but because I didn't know what else to do.
"Because, I wanted to, I have nothing anymore, Damon. I don't expect you to understand." I say, as I continue to stare at the wall, my head turned away from my grieving brother.
"But you.. had.." He starts to say, but I cut him off, when I whirl my head in his direction.
"Don't you dare say that, don't." I say again in a gruff voice, visions of the dream Damon uttering the same words: You Have Me, stick to my brain, and I clench my teeth together, and remind myself that this isn't the same, Damon left you many times, what would make any other time any different?
"Why?" He says, as his voice goes higher, I can tell he's challenging me, trying to get me to explain myself, but I won't buy into his advances of trying to get me to say my piece, as far as I was concerned this conversation was over.
"Stefan, when I saw you on the floor, I felt like.. you were dead, there was nothing I could do, and the guilt it ate at me, because I knew it was my fault, my fault that you decided to commit suicide, and I kinda felt like I failed, I failed at being your brother, I'm your brother, my leading role is to protect you, to keep you safe, and I failed at that, I'm sorry I lied, I know you won't forgive me, forgiveness as always been hard for you, but I'm willing to surrender, wave my white flag in the air, are you? Will you ever be?" He asks, and I stare into his soft eyes, as my green eyes harden, his treaty is like poison to my mouth, and I'm scared to even consider it.
"Damon, I can't.. I can't do this right now." I say, in a soft tone, as I look down at my hands, their bruised and I can still see the burn indent on my finger, from where I was burning Elena's picture and the flame touched the tip of my finger.
"Stefan.. I'm not asking you, too. I understand." He says, quickly, but then he looks at me again, as I study my hands, and I can see he's not telling me something.
"What?" I say again, looking at him.
"Stefan, I love you, even if you deny it, but..you need help." He finally says, and my hands clench as my nails dig into my palm.
What the hell would he know about needing help? I don't need help, I tried to kill myself, so what? It didn't work, but for him to say I need help, who the fuck did he think he is?
I feel anger in my bones again, as he looks at me.
"Stefan.. I know you're angry at me.. but I care about you, I do.. but I don't want you to hurt yourself again.. I couldn't bear leaving you alone at the loft.. knowing that you might think of it again.. so, the doctors told me you had two options: counseling or rehab..
"Damon, you didn't." I think quietly, as I watch him.
He shakes his head slightly, cutting me off.
"I knew you would just blow off counseling and it wouldn't help.. because you don't want to admit there's a problem, so that's fine.. but.. with rehab you could meet new people, with the same interested, they could help you, Stefan..."
My hands tighten, as I think about these two options, and I already know Damon picked rehab, it's written all over his face.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK MY CHOICES AWAY FROM ME." I scream, as I lunge myself forward to hit him, but he grabs my wrist, and I blame the drugs for making me weak.
"I FUCKING HATE YOU, I HATE YOU." I yell louder, as I spit out the words, his face doesn't even show a hint of surprise and it makes me angry.
"Stefan, hey, look, they can help you!" He yells, as he wrestles with me, his fingers digging into my wrists, but it doesn't hurt, nothing will ever hurt more then this, my brother signing me off for rehab, ruining my life, I don't even have a life anymore, not if I was going into rehab, where they try to fix me, and like I said before I don't need fixing.
"I FUCKING HATE YOU." I yell again, and tears sting my eyes.
"I DON'T NEED ANY GOD DAMN HELP." I add, as I tear my hands from his wrists, my chest heaving, at all the anger flooding through me, I feel hurt, anger, betrayed, and hatred, as I watch Damon, his blue eyes widen.
"DON'T NEED ANY HELP? STEFAN YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF THAT'S NOT NORMAL." He yells, and I glare at him, my nostrils fuming, as I fight everything in me not to lunge at him again.
"I DON'T CARE OKAY, LIKE I SAID I HAVE NOTHING, NO ONE, AND NO AMOUNT OF REHAB, OR DOCTORS OR PHYSCATRISTS CAN CHANGE THAT , OKAY? I DON'T NEED YOU, I DON'T NEED ANYONE, JUST LET ME DIE, OKAY, THAT'S ALL I WANT." I yell as I spit in his direction, the spit lands on his shirt and I smile at in triumph, as he crosses his arms, probably at my childish behavior, but I'm too mad to care right now.
"YOU HAVE ME STEFAN, I TOLD YOU THAT, I KNOW YOU DON'T CARE, WHY WOULD YOU? YOU LET DRUGS CONTROL YOU FOR SO LONG, YOU LET THEM BECOME A PART OF YOU, BUT GUESS WHAT STEFAN, THEIR NOT, YOU WERE MADE FOR BETTER THINGS BROTHER, REMEMBER YOUR OLD DREAMS? REMEMEBER WHEN YOU TOLD FATHER YOU WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR? WELL NOW YOU CAN DO IT, STEFAN, THE ONLY THING STANDING IN YOUR WAY IS YOU." He screams, and I see his face turning red at my stubbornness, and I'm kind of taken back because this is the first time I've ever seen Damon scream in my entire life. I stay silent at his words.
He was right, I could go to this rehab, make another life for myself be happy, but it wouldn't be the same, I knew I'd end up fucking it up one way or another, and the pain would be too much to handle, right now I feel sick, like a hand is compressing my chest, and I can't breathe.
"Stefan, please, look at me." Damon's soft voice brings me back, and I find myself staring into his blue eyes, their filled with concern.
"You can spend your whole life wondering what went wrong or you can fix it, and I want you to fix it, brother. I want that more then anything in this world, because I love you, but I can't put you through it, you have to make this choice for yourself, and I hope you do." He whispers, as he starts to get up, and I feel so cold and alone here, my mind running through a million thoughts per minute at how right he was, and how angry I am that he did truly know me better then anyone.
I watch as he disappears from the side door, and all I see is his wrinkled white shirt, and then he is gone, and I feel like I can't breathe as I lay there, almost comatose, not caring if I lived or died at this moment, left alone to my thoughts, the thoughts that kept me awake at night, made me start to do drugs, those darkest thoughts, telling me I have nothing to live for, why would I want to live? No ones ever going to love me, the worst part is I don't think I'll find anyone to love like Elena did, her love was probably the most realest and genuine love I had felt in my entire life, it wasn't conditional, she loved me like knew me better then anyone ever has. She never gave up, even when times got rough, and yes, our relationship wasn't perfect but I would do it all over again in heartbeat to hear her voice calling my name, to feel her warm arms wrapped around me, to feel her soft lips on mine, it wasn't fair.
I couldn't do rehab for her, and expect her to take me back after, no, I had to do something for myself, and I guess rehab would be it, even though I don't want to admit that there's a problem with me, but Damon is right, it's time I got my life back on track.