Elena

I look around the room, as I feel my breathing increase, I was at another group session again, my third one in three weeks, I don't know why they insisted I sit through these, they didn't help me, if anything I just felt lost in them, people bragging about their progresses, saying how this rehab helped them, how they were becoming better people, and here I sit getting worse each day, my thoughts are depression and loneliness, they keep me awake at night, and I think the doctors know this, because they declared I show up at this meeting. At first I thought about faking sick, staying in my room all day, and not showing up, but after a heavy talk with the physicists he wouldn't take no for an answer. So here I am, sitting in this room full of people that are happy, and all I want to do is scream and cuss them out for their happiness. I scowl and watch as the third person sits down, after giving a moving testament on how drugs were bad, but he got out and changed his life, and part of me thinks about the man, I tried to block out of my mind everyday, Stefan.

What was he doing? Was he still alive? Was he off being a doctor somewhere or even an intern?

I bite my lip gently, and run my fingers through my hair, the pain passes through me making me sick.

"Elena?" I hear the counselor, I think she said her name was Susan speak up, she looks at me, her blue eyes watching me.

"Oh, hm. Yeah." I say quietly, as I stop from running my fingers through my hair, praying that she didn't notice how on edge I was, just now.

"Would you like to share with the group?" She asks, and I smile a little, not because I'm happy, no, I'm far from happy, but because I feel like this whole thing is ridiculous.

I shake my head silently.

No, I didn't want to talk about my underlying pain, the pain that is with most days, the pain of losing my child, the fact that I will always be a disappointment to him now, the fact that he barely registered me when I left my home for this place. That pain cuts me so deep, I feel as if I can't breathe at times. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I dreamed about a drug dealer who is as tortured as I, every night, that his smooth words in my dreams were enough for me not to go insane, that I feel him in my sleep, my heart wrenches in pain at where we are now. Strangers, like we first met. And to this day what I feel for him is the realest thing I felt in my entire life.

I didn't want to talk about this, not to strangers I barely know.

I'd prefer to sit down and listen to people better then be rant about their lives.

"But you haven't said anything in the past three weeks you've came here." She points out, and I grimace slightly, as I fold my hands in my lap, I want to yell at her and tell her that I wasn't meant for these things, that sharing these problems with strangers didn't make them go away.

I clear my throat, and stare into her blue eyes, feeling a low sensation of nervousness settle in my stomach.

"I don't want to share, today." I say simply, but she clicks her disapproving tongue at me, and the hands that were folded on my lap, ball into fists on my lap, I didn't like the way she was treating me. I didn't have to share if I didn't want to, and I don't.

A couple of people look at me, and I fake a smile, mumbling something about gratitude of respecting my choice, and Susan dismisses the group, early, and I fear she wants to talk to me, and my suspensions are right, as I start to stand up but she tells me to take a seat.

I take a seat and pout lightly, pulling on the sleeves of my sweater, a distance memory comes to my mind as I remember my son did this too when he got nervous.

I stare at her as she sits next to me, her blue eyes filled with concern.

"If you want to vent, I'm here, Elena." She says, and I look down to realize my hands are shaking slightly, I swallow my spit and quickly shake my head, looking away, I feel tears spring into my eyes, It wasn't fair that she talked to me like this, she was a nice women, but I just didn't feel like letting all my emotions out now, I didn't have time to think about this pain.

"I'm just tired." I lie through my teeth, and I know she doesn't believe me but she lets me go, and I sigh in relief as I run my fingers through my unwashed hair, I look like scum and I know it, but I don't care, my ex-husband isn't here to see me, my son isn't here either, he can't even call me until next week, and I'm not even expecting a phone call from him.

And that hurts.

Susan gets up and leaves me all alone, and I look around the empty room, finally being able to breathe again.

I pick up the self help book they gave me at the beginning of the session and tuck it in my arm, walking out the door, I hear the hoops and hollers outside from the basketball court as I walk past the door that leads to the outside gym in this facility, I'm just about to pass the door when I get this tingle in my spine, as I look up, there I see Stefan, shirtless, leaning against the door, his body isn't as big as I remembered, he must have been working out, I look down his chest to see the sweat dripping down it, my mouth goes dry, as he wipes a towel over his face, his red tank top lifting up a little, and I resist the urge to stare at him, as he sets the towel down, some guys come out of nowhere and touch him on the back, telling him he did great in the scrimmage, he grins widely, and looks around, suddenly, his eyes land on mine, and I see his body tense up, my eyes set on his green ones, neither of us looking away, scared if we do, the other will disappear. A million moments come rushing back to me as I stare into his forest green eyes, they look so wide and innocent, as I begin to walk towards him, I'm not sure what I'm doing but my brain is telling my body to move faster and soon I'm running, running across the hall and awaiting his solid arms to wrap around me, and keep me safe, I hoped he wasn't still mad at me, that we could work this out, because in this moment I realized I missed him a lot more then I thought. He catches me in his arms, and I shriek as he lifts me up, my legs wrapping around his strong torso as he holds me to him, my heart beating out of my chest as I hold onto his neck with my skinny arms, I feel his hands on my back, and we're swinging back and forth.

"What are you doing here?" I can hear his voice and it sounds like he's smiling against the hem of my t-shirt, his breath beats down my neck, and I shiver lightly. He sets me down, and I can't help but smile at him, and he smiles back at me, his green eyes shining with joy.