I run my fingers through my hair, catching my breath, that dream felt so real, and now it was just a delusion. I sigh deeply, as I watch Stefan come out of the bathroom, his hair wet, and his green eyes watch me, as I lay down on the bed, I look at him, he looks refreshed but still tired, he's dressed in a gray sweater and gray sweatpants. His cheeks are flushed as he sits down on the bed next to me, his expression is unreadable and I suddenly feel sick to my stomach for dreaming about him like this, it was clear to me it he was still as messed up as I, I wonder what he was doing here, if it was his choice to finally get his life back together? I wonder if he had sleepless nights like me, nights he tugged his hair, and layed in bed restless, hoping that tomorrow would be better? I wonder if he cried, and wanted to scream, and if he sat through the progress group meetings with no hope of recovery?
I hear him clear his throat, and I sit up, leaning back against the wooden head board.
I don't look at him, scared to watch his pink lips ask the dying question we're both wondering.
What are we doing here?
We sit in silence for what seems for an eternity and then I hear his quiet voice begin to speak.
"So, what are you doing here?" He asks, and I cringe at the question, even though I knew it was coming.
I take a deep breath, thinking of ways to filter the words that were going to eventually come out of my mouth, Stefan stares at me with his patient green eyes, his face relaxed, waiting for me to get it out.
"Well, it started.. the night I left, actually, Matt.. he was closing the investigation and he found your wallet in the evidence locker, I guess they didn't give it back to you, or you forgot to grab it.. but.. the picture was in there. You know the one you wanted to keep in your wallet, to always think of me?
I ask him, staring into his green eyes, he blinks twice, as if he's reliving in old memory, because I see a hint of a smile on his face, and it makes me feel warm inside, but as it fades, I find my stomach drop, as I lean my head against the headboard a little, closing my eyes, I can barely look at him, because everything is still so broken, and I don't know where I stand with him, anymore.
"Anyways.. he found that." I say in a quiet voice, as I feel tears make an appearance in my brown eyes, but I keep them squeezed tight, not wanting him to touch me, or even see that I'm crying slowly behind my eyelids.
"And then what happened?" I hear his gentle voice break my thoughts, as goosebumps go onto my arms. And I can just imagine his face twisted into confusion, and his green eyes watching me with concern.
"He gave me a choice..." I start to say, as I feel the tears flow slowly down my cheeks, I hear Stefan's short breath, but I don't meet his eyes, keeping my eyes shut.
"He said.. rehab or pack all your stuff and leave, and the worst part is.. I didn't even consider rehab at first, and then I saw my son, standing at the doorway, his face full of hurt and confusion, and through my t-ears." I choke back a sob, but Stefan doesn't go to comfort me and I'm grateful for that, right now.
"I decided that, this is where I'm going, to rehab, but I don't feel better, Stefan. I feel.. broken, like I can't be fixed, and then.. when I saw you this morning, I can't explain it.. I felt something, something that I hadn't felt in a long time, I felt hope." I say quietly, as I finally open my eyes to look at him, my breath leaves my throat as I see him sitting there, he's crying too, tears falling down his green eyes, and for a second I've think I've upset him, and I feel guilty, but as he grabs my face gently, with his rough hands, and forces me to look at him, my eyes meet his, and he gently brushes my tears with his rough thumb. I close my eyes but he tilts my head up. My hands find his wrists and hold them, as we look at each other.
I gently reach up with my finger, and brush a stray tear from his face away, he leans into my touch, his lips touching my cheek, and it sends shivers down my spine.
After a minute I speak up: "Why are you here?" I ask, searching his eyes, they seem downcast a little, as he looks at me, he's hiding something, I can tell, as I hold onto his wrist, his heartbeat seems to quicken against my palm. He swallows the lump in his throat, and I lean closer to him, feeling his warm body pulsing against mine.
"Come on Stefan, you can tell me, you can tell me anything, no matter what it is, I promise not to judge." I whisper, and I see another hint of a smile on his face, but I can't tell if it's genuine or not, and that upsets me a little, I continue to caress his cheek, as he closes his eyes.
His face twisted into pain, and I feel sick to my stomach as I watch him silently fight his demons, whatever was on his mind, it seemed heavy, and I just wanted to help him, and I begin to feel like I did that one night, the night he sat on the roof, the night he had the nightmare that I woke him up from, the night that I felt so helpless in aid for his pain.
Finally he speaks up, and I wait with my stoic face for him to tell me what has put him here.
"I... I killed myself." He says slowly, and my heart jumps a little at this news, my hands begin to shake under his firm grasp, my eyes shedding fresh tears at this news, and I watch as he lets go of me, getting off the bed, trying to protect me, and it makes me angry, as I fold my hands on his lap, not even thinking about the correct answer as to why he would attempt to.. and I look up at him, he's standing up, his hands against the table, and he's breathing heavy, and I recognize these symptoms, he's having a panic attack, I stand up from the bed also, but I'm unable to speak, as I watch his fist bang the table, he groans in pain, but doesn't stop, and I feel myself frozen in time as his confession makes my body freeze, he tried to kill himself, but why?, why would he even attempt it? I watch him, and suddenly, I realize his fist is bleeding, and he tries to cover it up, but refuses to look at me, to even see if I'm watching, and I feel the tears stream down my cheek, as I rush to him, finally, regaining control of my body, my breathing becomes heavy, as I try to take his hand, but he pushes me back, but I'm determined to grab his bleeding hand, my eyes burn from the tears, as he refuses to show his face.
Finally, he lets me grab his hand, and I notice a few splinters sticking out from it, my heart drops to my stomach, as I see the scars on his wrist next to his tracks, he was punishing himself.
"Stefan.. look at me!" I yell, but he groans, and shakes his head, holding his hair with his other hand, and I let go of his bloody hand, as I turn him to face me, it's a struggle, but he lets me, tears streaming down his pale face.
"I'm sorry.. Elena.. I'm so fucking sick...I t-tried to kill myself" He yells at me, but I don't back away, as he gestures toward his bloody hand, but I ignore it, he's shaking, and I gently cup his face, he's in mid-panic attack, but he attempts to look at me.
"Stefan, look at me! You're okay! Okay? You're okay. I don't care if you're messed up, Stefan, we all are in someway, I'm even more messed up then you, I promise."
I say with a shaky breath, as he shakes under my hands, and I feel myself shaking, and I curse myself to pull myself together, I needed to be strong for him.
"No, you're not.. I'm so.. " He starts to say, as his breathing increases again and I feel his heart beating out of his chest as he attempts to hit himself in the head with his fist, but I stop him, grabbing his bloody hand gently in mine.
"Stefan, hey!" I say again, in a firm voice, as I pulls his face towards me, his red lips trembling, as he looks into my eyes.
"You can fight this!" I yell, and he green eyes widen, finally noticing that I am there, his vision must be clearer, because his pupils dilate.
His breathing become less of a panic, as he looks at me, and then at his bloody hand, and my eyes don't leave his, as I gently tug his palm to my face, making it touch my cheek, showing him that I didn't care that he just did this, but I'm here to support him, to help him, if he wanted it, I grab onto his hand gently, closing my eyes, he's less shaky now, but I hear a gurgle in his throat, as if he's trying to hold back more tears and makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I continue to hold him close, finally I open my eyes, and I see he's calmed down enough, I smile softly in his direction, for engorgement, and his green eyes light up a little, as he uses his fingers to brush away my tears again, and I feel a heat deep in my stomach.
"Why... why did you do that.. why did you stop my panic attack you could of easily left me alone.." He whispers, gulping a little.
I continue to smile softly, as I continue to hold his bloody hand to my face, not caring if his blood was on my cheek or not, I feel it's swollen too, a little.
I stare at him deeply, as I answer his question, he shivers lightly at my intense look but keeps his questioning green eyes on mine.
"Because, Stefan, if you're in hell, I'm in hell." I whisper softly.
His face relaxes from his previous pensive expression, his green eyes watching me, but I can see there's something in his expression that he's hiding from me, as I stare up at him.
"What is it?" I wonder out loud, as he shakes his head, almost as if he's in disbelief of my previous statement.
"How.. how could you want to suffer with me, Elena? I just.. I just punched a table, you just saw me punch that table. I notice he's shaking slightly, his hands in fists at his sides, his breathing heavy, as he avoids my eye contact.
I gently grab his good hand, it stops shaking slightly, as I hold it.
"Stefan.. I would do anything for you, if I could I'd take all the pain away, every ounce of the guilt you harbor in yourself, the self hate that rests in your kind soul, the insecurities you face, I would take it all away, until you feel whole again, I would endure that for you." I say softly, as I hold his hand in mine, his heartbeat is fast against his sweaty palm.
He gulps lightly, his forehead breaking out into a small sweat, but he squeezes my hand lightly, it makes me smile.
"And.. why? Why would you do that, Elena?" He asks, tilting his green eyes at me, his expression is a mix between relief and disbelief.
I feel myself gasp lightly, at his doubt in this, as if I had stopped loving him from the time we were apart, part of me sadness at this, but part of me is angry, I told him I was betting on us, I told him before I left, and I still am.
"Because.. I love you, Stefan." I whisper, and he expression is pained as he looks at me, as if he can't believe any part of me would still love him, and it makes me sad more then anything else.
I move my hand away from his, and cup his soft cheek, my fingers brushing against his cheek.
"Is that so hard to believe?" I whisper, as I lean in.
He's silent for a moment, as he takes time to reflect on my words, but his face doesn't change from the pain, I continue to brush my fingers against the growing stubble on his cheek, remembering simple times, when we had each other and we weren't so messed up like right now.
"I love you." He whispers, as he comes into me, and I wrap my long arms around his shaking body, holding him there, with my hands in his brown hair.
I close my eyes for a second, relieved I got him to stop his panic attack, and that he's not shaking anymore in my warm embrace, and the fact that all this time we spent apart, each battling our demons, he still loved me, I smile softly, as I casually stroke his hair with my fingertips.
"I love you so much." He whispers again, and I open my eyes, as I hold him there, his warm breath on my shoulder.
"You let the guilt consume you, Stefan. It doesn't have to, you don't have to live like this anymore, let it out, all the pain, frustration, anger, I'm here, I'll be your punching bag, I don't want to see you torture yourself like this, anymore." I whisper, still stroking his hair, comforting him.
"I don't know what to do Elena, I'm lost.. I've been lost for a long time, I'm trying to cure myself, become a better man, and you're right I carry so much pain and guilt with me, it shouldn't be this way, but how do I get rid of it, how do I help myself?" He asks with a strained voice against my shoulder, and for a second I consider the answer, because I'm the same way, I feel so numb, so destroyed, but then when I saw Stefan, I saw that light of hope again, he helped me, and that's what I was vowing to do for him, we'll figure it out, together.
"We'll figure it out together, Stefan." I whisper, as I pull back and see tears in the corner of his green eyes, but as he looks down at me, he grins a little and it makes me feel good.
I suddenly remember his bleeding hand, and I grab it lightly, raising it, as I inspect it with my brown eyes, it's still a little swollen but it looks better then it did an hour ago.
"We have to put some ice on this." I say, and he nods slowly, as I lead him to the bed, and he sits down, as I sit next to him, leaning over and reaching into the mini fridge, I find a bottle of water that's ice cold, and I grab it, turning back to him, his green eyes study me, curious, as he sits on the bed, I grab his wrist gently, he winces.
"Relax." I chide him softly, as I pull his wrist, gently touching his hand, he grunts loudly, as I place the water bottle on his bruised hand, I grab his knee, stroking it softly, so that he would relax, and slowly he does, but I keep the iced water bottle to his hand, watching as his face eases from the pain.
I watch him curious, wondering what possessed him, what drove him, to such a fateful end? That he thought he had to kill himself, that, it was the only option? I feel a sadness in my being as I watch him, he keeps his green eyes focused on the ground.
I'm almost scared to ask, scared that it will just make him sad, I know it's a sore subject, I know that he probably didn't want to relive that night, but I can't help how curious I am, and before I can think, I ask the question I've been wanting to ask all night.
"Stefan, why did you kill yourself?"