Thinking about it now made me realise that this whole time, I've been blaming my terrible thoughts and ideas on a little voice in my head. When actually, its been me the entire time, I'm the one who wants to do all these things to myself, I'm the one who plants the horrid ideas in my head, I'm the one who's constantly finding every opportunity to put myself down. But believing in the false lie was so much easier and safer than learning the truth and then deciding what to do with this new information.

So what do I do now?

Do I just keep fighting a ghost that I made myself believe in, because I'm pretty sure I hate it now already. Or do I just let go and let my mind guide me, I'll stop postponing the inevitable and give up. I'm already so tired and I feel overworked.

But who notices right? Nobody. Nobody noticed how I'm always on the brink of tears. Nobody stays when I say that I'm okay. Nobody takes a second glance when I smile and my behind my eyes I'm clearly breaking. And when I look in the mirror I can see it, so why can't they?

I know it's getting worse but living in denial is so much easier than explaining it to someone who you will always believe is constantly judging you, it may not be there but you can see it in their eyes and the way they talk.

It's not fun, and every day is a challenge to hide it because who wants to be a burden? If they wanted to help then they would have done it already so clearly you're already on your own. But that's okay because you're already used to it by now. The thoughts keep you company. The only downside is that, the longer you listen to them, the more persuasive they become. Their words have more meaning and more truth and suddenly everything you've ever known becomes a lie. You start seeing people in a different light, you start noticing the small things of how you'll tell them you feel terrible and they'll change the subject to something more comfortable. Or how they'll move away from you to other friends because you never smile or laugh anymore.

And then you notice that people don't want to talk to you and your smile means nothing to them, they don't know how much effort it took just for you to get it to look like this. They don't know the struggle and pain it is every day to ignore the quiet moments that scream for you to just end it all. They don't see the scars. Or the tears. And they certainly don't hear the tormenting thoughts.

I don't know if I can feel anymore, everything is numb and the only time I'm ever really happy now is when I can see that pretty little dotted line on my skin. It doesn't last long but at least it's there, at least I know that I'm still here even when others don't see it.

Fighting my heartache is so hard but what's even worse is that my mind plays tricks on me. I'll wake up and be as happy as ever, finally this terrible feelings are gone, I can smile and laugh again and, this time, mean it. Then tonight when you're alone, that sick feeling creeps up on you, you're exhausted and you have no idea why. Then the first tear falls and you can't understand, you were so happy a moment ago, what changed? Then the thoughts come back stronger and the fight starts again. It just teaches you that you should never lower your guard, you never know when the enemy is coming back.

But when the enemy's yourself,

How do you fight back?

At night when I practice my smile and laugh in the mirror to make it look real, I feel sorry for the girl that's staring back at me. I see it in her eyes, how she's hurting and desperately praying for someone to hold her. But then I brush it off.

My dreams were replaced by nightmares long ago.