It took Jane a moment to find her voice and respond to her colleague's statement. It hadn't even been a question, it was a matter-of-fact you-guys-used-to-date sentence. She stared intensely at her beer and tried to come up with a reply more competent than "What the fuck?", and just at the right moment, their burgers arrived. Obviously, Maura had taken all of Jane's appetite with her when she left, but it was still a reason to keep the conversation at a minimal level.
Finally, it was Judith who broke the uncomfortably prolonged silence: "Jane, I'm sorry if I overstepped a boundary. I totally understand if you don't wanna talk about your private life with a new colleague whom you have known for the total amount of one afternoon. Really, I'm sorry. I sometimes speak before I think."
Jane couldn't help but smile weakly at her colleague: "Believe me, you're preaching to the choir. I apparently never think before I speak; or think before I jump, for that matter. So, it's okay. But why the hell would you think that Maura and I are – were – a couple?" She really couldn't see how Judith could have come to that conclusion at all. They were best friends, yes, but many women had best girl friends without them being their girlfriends, right?
"Well", Judith cleared her throat, "You're gay, right? And then Maura walked in and then I understood why your pictures can be found under the word "awkwardness" in the dictionary. She was angry at you, you were sad and angry at her and then when I came back after a minute she'd stormed out, leaving her beer untouched. That pretty much screamed bad breakup at me. But again, I'm sorry if I was wrong."
While Judith had surely gotten their emotions more than right, there was something she was more than just wrong about. Gay? Her? A lesbian? Sure, Maura and her had often used that sexual label to get rid of unwanted male attention; and yes, in the case of Giovanni they even had pretended to be in an actual relationship but that was all fun and games. "Uhm, Judith. I am not a lesbian. I have no idea why you would think that but I can assure you that I am about as straight as an arrow. I used to be engaged and all." Focus on used to, though; thinking about Casey and everything the situation with him had entailed was too painful because of how fucked up it had turned out. There really wasn't even a parallel universe in which she could and would ever have married him (she finally knew that now) but thinking about the baby she lost – that was a tough nut she still hadn't cracked completely. "Why would you think that, anyways?"
Judith seemed to look at her closely, then chuckled quietly into her half-empty bottle: "Okay, well, then I got it wrong. Sorry, Jane. Have you ever heard of the term 'gaydar'?" When Jane shook her head no, she grinned and elaborated on the fascinating topic of instinctively recognizing fellow lady lovers.
"Basically, my gaydar went off when I first met you earlier. The way you dress, speak, behave and now this situation with Dr. Isles – it was just signals I thought I had picked up on. In any case, I hope you don't see my thinking you might be gay as an insult. Because then I'd feel pretty insulted myself. So let's start again then: I'm sorry you and Maura don't talk to each other. I assume you must have been pretty close friends to be so angry at each other now."
Now it was Jane's turn to examine her new partner. Did that mean Judith was gay? She would never have guessed but then again, according to Maura she spent her life being oblivious to what other people thought and felt. "No, no. Of course not. It's not an insult at all; it's just not true in my case. I simply dress, speak and behave the way I do because that's who I am. It's the Jane way."
She managed to smile at Judith and went on: "Anyway, yes. We have been best friends ever since we met on the job. Maura is brilliant and hilarious and we had so little in common, we just had to become friends. If that makes sense at all." To her it made sense, at least. Maura was the brains where she was the brawn; she often thought where Jane would have just acted. Maura had taught her many adorably dorky and yet interesting things in all kinds of (professional) situations; and in turn, Jane had taught Maura a lot about life, about the all the little practical things one needed to know, and even about the love a family could share. They had been so good together… and now this was all supposedly gone.
"I know what you mean; it's like two very different halves that, though being perfectly good and complete on their own, still seem to make up an even better whole. It sounds totally cheesy but can actually be true both for romantic relationships and friendships", Judith agreed and seemed to look sadly at her burger for a moment "I had that, too. But I lost it and now I get to have dinner in a new city, with a new partner from a new police department."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe a new beginning will be good, though; Boston is not the worst place to do that. The weird thing is, I know Maura better than anybody else. Inside and out. And yet I still don't really know why she suddenly decided we could no longer be friends. When you were in the bathroom, I apologized to her for jumping off that bridge, leaving her behind. She said she appreciated my apology but that we still couldn't be friends any more… so there has to be more to it than just the jump. I really don't get it", Jane blurted out.
"Hold up, you jumped off a bridge? Why the hell would you do that?", Judith stared at her new colleague in disbelief.
"Well, yes. But I was just doing my job. A guy was being framed for murder; he wanted to kill himself; I talked him out of it but he fell… so I didn't think even for a second and jumped after him. Maura was with me on the bridge, you know. I totally understand how horrible it must have been for Maura to see me jump not knowing whether I'd die or not but I can't just not do my job. It's what I have to do, and it's also who I am", Jane took a bite of her burger and struggled to even chew and swallow it. Since when was she Ms. Tear-up-all-the-time? Since Maura, that's when.
"I have been on your side of the story, Jane. I know you did what you had to do and I probably would have done the same but I also know how hard it is to be on the other end of this. My mother was a cop and she got shot on the job – over a goddamn speeding ticket. She was in a coma for almost a week before she passed away. I was so scared for her, I thought I'd lose my mind. I'm not a religious person but I prayed for her; I cried for her; I didn't sleep, didn't eat, didn't wanna give up but slowly had to. There was a time I was so angry at her for dying on me I wanted to punch holes in the hospital walls – I hated her for doing her job, even though it's just as much my own job. If Maura loves you like you obviously love her – never mind if romantically or not – then she must have been scared out of her mind for you; but you have figured out as much. I guess what I have been trying to say with my monologue is: it's normal for her to be angry and I can guarantee you, you'd feel the same way if the situation were vice versa. Especially if it's not the first and only time you have – or will – put your life on the line; and that's to be expected, given how that is a part of our job description. Now, I don't know Dr. Isles yet but based on my experience I can only give you one advice: Give her time, be patient. If there is more to it than fear and anger, she'll come around and talk to you about it. From what you described, your friendship is a truly special one, and she will not just give that up. I'm sorry I can't be of more help." Judith sipped on her beer and seemed to blush lightly: "God, we don't even know each other. I usually don't open up to people easily at all. Sorry if I bothered you with the summary of my life I just forced on you."
Jane smiled and raised her bottle: "Here's to ranting to semi-strangers and nice new detectives! I don't usually open up to anybody but… Maura, you know. So I'm both surprised by myself and appreciate what you just told me. I mean, really, thank you. I'm very sorry to hear that you lost your mother like that. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost mine. Or what I will do when that day comes, for that matter. I think you are a very strong woman and most probably also a fine detective. Your advice sounds logical but I know I will have one huge problem trying to follow it: If there's one thing on this planet that I'm not, it's being patient. So how the hell will I manage to stay away from Maura so she can figure out whatever else is bothering her?"