Rizzoli stared at Rhay in disbelief and was suddenly at a loss of words: the media and his show's success had turned Rhay into one of the biggest heart-throbs in Hollywood and millions of women swooned whenever an episode of his show aired on national television. And now he was telling them he was gay and in a relationship with a formerly alive, very successful and heterosexually married business man? She caught Judith's eye, who merely shrugged and took the lead again: "I can imagine how liberating it must be for a man of your position and with your image to be able to say these words out loud. I'm truly sorry for your loss; it's very hard to lose the person you love the most in the world, especially when it's so violently and unexpectedly. In any case, you must forgive us, but there are certain questions we need to ask you now. Are you up for them?"
"Yes, detective, of course. I would do anything to make sure the person responsible for Greg's death is caught as soon as possible. What kind of monster would commit such a horrid crime? Greg was an amazing human being who couldn't have done anything to deserve any of this", Rhay blew his nose and seemed to fight to pull himself together enough for the detectives' questions.
Rizzoli, impressed with Lewis' tactful and gentle way of questioning, tried her best to follow her colleague's lead, handed Rhay another tissue and leaned in even closer: "How long have you been seeing Mr. Johnson? Were you aware that he was, in fact, married to a woman? How was your relationship going lately, any fights or reasons to break up? And the last question we always have to ask routinely: Can you please tell us where you were on Saturday afternoon?" Well, at least she had tried her best to be as gentle as Lewis, albeit less successfully.
"We have been together for almost a year now; we met when I hired Shield to protect me from a rather crazy stalker who wouldn't leave me alone and even tried to break into my home. Given my profession and status as public figure, Greg himself met with me and my manager and we just… clicked. I ended up calling him for dubious and ultimately completely work-unrelated reasons and we finally met and got together pretty quickly. I didn't believe in love at first sight at all, but with Greg, everything fell into place. Believe me, I wanted nothing more than to see him divorce Celia and marry me instead but I knew this was completely out of question. I earn my money by appealing to women, by being the kind of guy they could marry if only they got a little bit lucky; not by being a homosexual in a committed relationship. So instead, I bought a second phone to communicate with Greg and kept my love for him hidden from absolutely everyone. Besides, even in 2015, I don't think Greg could have come out without his business taking a hit either. It's sad to have to hide who you truly are, don't you think?"
Suddenly, Rizzoli felt a rush of compassion for Rhay and resisted the urge to get up and very unrizzoli-like give him a hug. The man sitting across from her seemed to be in real pain, grieving the love of his life, and didn't strike her as a potential suspect at all. Still, some questions remained unanswered: "It sounds like an extremely painful way to live one's life, yes. I am very sorry you and Mr. Johnson had to go through so much sorrow. I'm sorry to keep asking you but… did Mrs. Johnson know about your relationship? And please, can you confirm your whereabouts on Saturday?"
"Celia? Yes, of course she knew. She was very happy for us and very supportive of our relationship. Based on what Greg has told me, they haven't been anything more than good friends for years. When he realized he was gay, a few years before he met me, he told her and surprisingly, they decided to continue their marriage for the sake of the company. As far as I know, Celia had a boyfriend, too. It was an arrangement that worked well for all four of us, you know? And on Saturday, I got in from Los Angeles around noon. I hadn't seen Greg in almost 3 weeks due to filming and I called him from the airport. He told me he was pretty much tied up at work catching up on paperwork so I decided to surprise him and took a taxi to his office building. I was with him for about two hours before he told me he really, urgently had to finish his work and that he would come by my house to spend the rest of the weekend together later. I called another taxi and went home." Again, Rhay buried his face in his hands and shook his head in desperation. "I just left him there, no having the slightest clue that it was the last time I would ever see him. If I had stayed, he might still be alive. How can I possibly forgive myself for that?"
This time, it was Rizzoli who touched his arm and squeezed it gently: "Mr. Rhay, please look at me. What happened isn't your fault, okay? There is no way in which you could have known what was going to happen to your partner and there is no way you could have prevented it, either. You're not responsible for his death; only the killer is. Please, remember this even in the darkest hours. You're not responsible."
Before the two detectives could wrap up what seemed to be one of the most painful interviews Jane had ever conducted (even though she suspected that she always thought so after a particularly dramatic relative notification), they confirmed that Rhay had indeed been intimate with his partner at the latter's office and collected a routine DNA sample should any of the trace evidence found on Johnson belong to him. One call to the taxi company would confirm what Rizzoli was already almost certain about: Rhay was not his partner's murderer, he was on a taxi ride home when Johnson's life found its premature end. Upon leaving, they both handed them their cards and told him to call them if he thought of anything else or even if he ever needed to talk about anything at all.
As they drove down Rhay's driveway and out the gate, Rizzoli watched his diminishing figure in the rear-view mirror, firmly holding on to the door frame to not fall down. "Poor guy", she mumbled to herself rather than to her colleague as she went back to numbly staring out the passenger seat window.
"Yeah, their story is a very tragic one, even without the murder at its end. Having to hide your love, beautifully pure and unique as it is, and being locked into the figurative closet, one without so much as windows, is quite literally suffocating. I could never imagine having to stay in it for all my life; I would choke", Judith elaborated while steadily driving them back into Boston.
Again, Jane wondered whether this was her colleague's subtle way of coming out herself or whether she was merely reflecting on someone else's tragedy. Still, she seemed to know what she was speaking about. Jane, suddenly uncomfortable without any apparent reason, cleared her throat and avoided looking directly at Judith: "There is something I don't understand, you know. How does a man in his forties, ten years into his marriage, suddenly realize 'Whoops, I am gay!' Wouldn't this be something you figure out during puberty? I'd expect anyone to be settled firmly into his or her sexuality by their forties. How can such a huge epiphany suddenly surprise you after you have already been dating for, I don't know, more than 20 years? Does it mean he never even loved his wife? It's very confusing to me, I'm sorry."
Judith took her eyes off the street for a moment and smiled warmly at Jane: "That's okay. Luckily, I believe I can help you clear up your confusion, at least to a certain degree. The answer to most of your questions, I think, is the same: It's different for every individual. There are people – I have met quite a few of them – who have known since earliest childhood that they were in some way different from the other children around them and by puberty, have worked it out by and for themselves. This so-called first step of coming out – the coming to terms with it for and within yourself – can take a long time and be very painful, and these people sort of grow into it. That doesn't, however, reduce the pain that can be caused by the second step of coming out, namely, coming out to the people around them. Just because an individual grew up knowing that they were different and eventually could put their finger on this difference lying in their sexuality doesn't mean that their family and friends realized it, too. A coming out, at any age really, can possibly go very well and end in complete acceptance by others, or it could also go very badly and end up in a lot of sorrow or in remaining closeted, like Rhay. Now, we don't know what Johnson's case was, and we will never be able to ask him; he might have always known and decided – by force or by his own will – to suppress it. It might just as much be the case that he simply didn't know until later in his life. Sexuality can be a very fluid thing, Jane. He might have truly loved his wife, he might have been happy with her until maybe someday, he met a man who turned his life upside down. Self-awareness and learning about yourself are things that don't just stop at some point in your life; I believe you can learn about yourself as long as you breathe. Wow, that was one hell of a monologue." Judith chuckled as she pulled up in front of PBD.
Jane remained silent for a moment and stalled by taming her wild locks into a ponytail: "But. Hm. Wouldn't that make him bisexual for all of his life, only he didn't know about it until his forties? And then only when he met a man he fell in love with he realized?" She still couldn't grasp it and simultaneously, had no idea why it mattered to her so much. She felt very sorry for the victim and Rhay, for sure.
"Not necessarily. Homosexual, gay, bisexual, heterosexual, straight, queer, pansexual, asexual, demisexual – all of those are nothing but words, labels that matter to some people while others couldn't care less. It can help immensely with self-awareness to be able to match your feelings with a word, but sometimes words may just not be able to describe feelings properly. I am pretty positive that you can go through life considering yourself to be one thing and then you fall in love with a person – not a gender – and boom, everything is different. It might be someone you see on the street or in a coffee shop, it might be someone you have known for a while and suddenly, your skin prickles with excitement at their sight. And you know what, all of that's okay. You can love one person of your own gender and not necessarily identify as being attracted your gender as a whole; sometimes, people are too complex to always find shelter under a nice, clear label. I'm sorry, now I feel like I didn't clear up any of your confusion", Judith concluded as she was unbuckling her seatbelt.
"Don't worry, that was actually pretty informative, even though I don't know what some of the words you mentioned even mean. It's important to, you know, get insight into our victim's mindset. Maybe his death was a hate crime, or in any other way related to his sexual orientation", Jane explained hastily as she got out of the car, "can you do me a favor and call the taxi company to confirm Rhay's alibi before calling it a night? I feel like I have a migraine coming and I would like to go home as soon as possible, so that I will be okay by tomorrow morning."
"Yes, absolutely. Go home and rest; this was supposed to be your free weekend anyways", Judith smiled and lightly touched Jane's arm as she gave her the car keys with her other hand, "a case like this can absolutely overheat one's brain, huh?"
With not much more than a weak nod and a mumbled 'see ya', Jane climbed into the driver's seat and started her car. Suddenly, a throbbing pain settling in between her eyes, she only felt tired. Tired of the case, tired of talking, tired of not talking to Maura; and she wanted nothing more than that ice-cold beer she had been denied the night before (never mind the headache) and the silence of her apartment. She had never felt more alone.