Amnesia
Chapter 18: Entering a Period of Uncertainty
Sakura walked into her old home. As she followed her mother through the hallway she noticed a picture hanging on the wall. The wooden photo frame held an image of her and her parents. She was in the middle and her mum and dad stood either side of her. They looked happy, her parents proud. She would guess that it was taken only a couple of years ago, but she didn't know for sure.
Unwanted tears began to fill her eyes. Not recognising memories with teenage friends was one thing, but your own parents. She came home for familiarity and was immediately greeted with alienism. Her mother was surprised to see her. There was an unfamiliar picture hanging on the wall directly through the doorway. Next she would find out that her room had completely changed, or that something else she had wanted to cling onto was no longer there.
Her mother stood patiently behind her, observing her in curious silence.
"I just needed to come home," Sakura told her quietly.
"Don't worry about that picture," Mebuki answered just as softly. "We only put it there to hide a hole in the wall that your father made."
Sakura nodded, but kept her head bowed, the tears still threatening to fall. It had been a long and tough day. She was shaken from this morning's science experiment and even more so from her decision to distance herself from her intrusive yet loving friends. She was already drowning in guilt from her conversation with Naruto. His pained expression was burnt into her mind. Even if this was for the best, for both of them, she didn't think she could ever forgive herself for putting him through it. He was as good as gold to her and deserved so much more.
"Now come on, no tears at the table," Mebuki told her more firmly before heading down the corridor. "Dinner is at six, as always."
Sakura sniffed and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
This is why she came home. A schedule that was so innately routine that she could have the time to think. She wanted to understand herself and her situation. If she was no longer with the people who showed her where everything was and told her everything she could do, she would figure something out for herself. There was no doubt in her mind that she would miss her friends dearly, but she would let that be her motivation.
Pulling herself together, she stood up straighter and continued the walk down the corridor into the lounging area. The first thing she noticed was that there were strange gaps between pictures on flat surfaces like their mantelpiece, and Sakura wondered if her mother had quickly grabbed older images of her and removed them so she wasn't faced with more pain.
However, she did not feel any pain as she spotted a spike of dull pink hair peaking up from the sofa and her face lit up when she saw her dad. His head perked up and he saw her standing in the doorway. Although her father also looked surprised when she walked in, he had his feet up on the sofa and had his hands behind his head in a very relaxed manner. His wife walked past him and nudged his feet back to the floor.
"Your daughter is staying here, so entertain her until dinner," she ordered before heading into the kitchen.
Kizashi sat up straighter at his wife's words, still obviously confused but willing to go with it.
Sakura smiled at her parents' interaction and rounded the sofa to sit down next to her dad. Making herself comfortable on the familiar sofa, she waited for her father to 'entertain her'.
"So," he began awkwardly, "what have you been doing recently?"
She giggled. She had not seen him in months and he couldn't even think up a decent conversation. "Not much, dad. What about you?"
"Ah, you know, this and that."
She looked at him, biting her lip, with a still amused smile on her face. "This and that?"
"Yes, relaxing, a bit of gardening, shopping with your mother."
Her smile widened. He hadn't changed a bit. He had aged well, the same demeanour all about him. He still did the same activities. That was comforting. She could slip in with this lifestyle effortlessly as she knew it well. All she needed to do was say something to get the man going and their conversation could last all the way up until it was time to eat.
"Do you have any stories from your recent shopping escapades?"
Kizashi turned to her, filled with sudden enthusiasm as a story idea popped into his head. "You bet. There's something about this family, we always attract strange people-"
"They probably say the same about us."
As her father burst into her laughter, she grinned up at him.
"Well we were very normal compared to this man that I met yesterday. I was waiting outside a shop for your mother..."
Sakura drifted off into a comforted lull as she listened to her father's words. As she allowed his presence and over-the-top body language to wash over her, she found herself feeling completely at home. She felt more normal than she had in a long time. She couldn't make this situation worse by not knowing who was being talked about, or not remembering a place or time. She existed with an outside-looking-in perspective and had no control over the story's direction. She was the daughter of the man who always got into weird and wonderful situations, and no matter what, always had a smile on his face and a joke up his sleeve. She basked in the identity and the knowledge that nothing about this man could surprise her.
On the other hand, her mother could surprise her, but that in itself wasn't surprising. The woman was protective of her and showed it in a much more serious light compared to her dad. She was kind, but could frighten both her daughter and her husband with little-to-no effort. You didn't want to get on the wrong side of Mebuki Haruno. And if you were on the right side of Kizashi Haruno, it was likely you were going to have a fun time.
Sakura observed her mother walk out of the kitchen and head towards the door behind them, back into the corridor where the stairs were located. Mebuki didn't say anything, and simply rolled her eyes when she caught ear of what story her husband was sharing. Sakura was almost tempted to follow her mum, but thought twice about it when the blonde closed the door fully behind her.
Not long after, Sakura heard the sounds of creaky floorboards meaning her mother had gone upstairs. She was more of a mystery and Sakura knew Mebuki hid things from her in an attempt to make things easier at every opportunity – or at least she used to when she was younger. For today, that was OK. She had questions, but right now she wanted to be with her parents in a care-free environment.
The meal they shared was obviously for two people, it would have been too late for her mother to throw in something extra, but neither parent seemed to mind a little less on their plates. Sakura would admit that she wasn't overjoyed with the choice of meal, but it wasn't like she was there before it was cooking and had a say in the matter. This dish was particularly bitter. It wasn't that bad, but she found herself wishing it was something else – like ramen.
She shook her head in an attempt to immediately stop that train of thought and asked, "So do you eat healthier now that I moved out? Has anything else changed?"
"Life is a lot more boring," Kizashi said before noting the annoyed look his wife gave him. He quickly added to Mebuki, "Not to say that you are boring, dear, it's just that Sakura brings a refreshing presence to the table."
"And better meal choices?" Sakura said with a smile.
Kizashi looked between the girls.
"Still not a fan of my fried bitter gourd?" Mebuki asked her daughter.
After trying and failing to cook for herself, Sakura was not about to criticise her mother's cooking. Fried bitter gourd wasn't that bad. While she would certainly prefer something else to eat (she found she loved sweet foods), she knew that at least she would be eating well while she was living under this roof, taste aside. Apart from a more strict time schedule, her eating habits would not change too much. She had been eating out a lot recently... with a certain male she was trying to push to the back of her mind.
"I think it's gourdgeous," Kizashi joked.
At the terrible pun, Sakura's falling mood lifted and she was brought back into the moment as her mother covered her eyes and shook her head in embarrassment.
Sakura watched her parents fondly. "You've not changed at all."
"Your father's got worse," Mebuki grumbled.
"Is that possible?" Sakura asked her mother.
While she loved her dad, she had many memories of him being incredibly embarrassing. The same went for her mother. Together, they were brilliant at putting her in awkward situations - and that was saying a lot considering her memories with her family were so old, but she was easily embarrassed as a child. She didn't think she had changed in that respect. She didn't know how to handle embarrassment. She wasn't brilliant with emotions in general. If she was better at understanding herself, she wouldn't be back at home.
"I didn't think it was, Sakura, but he manages to top himself most weeks."
"I'm getting wittier with age," Kizashi agreed.
"Cheesier," Mebuki corrected.
Naruto had some cheesy one-liners.
She exhaled audibly when her brain made that connection. She had obviously spent too long with the boy. They ate together all the time.
Her dad noted her sigh. "I know, Sakura, it would have been a better comment if we were eating cheese."
She smiled at him. It was probably a good thing that her parents were going to interpret her actions and respond accordingly instead of asking her what was wrong – or at least that was the case with her dad. She didn't think she could explain how she felt. She didn't want those who cared about her to know how she felt. She wondered if they understood her as well as they did when she was a child.
"Don't get bitter over it, dad, we will leave the puns to you."
Her dad burst out laughing again.
Sakura looked at her mother, who shook her head but smiled at her with a comforting fondness.
Family meals around the table could often be intense, but she had many happy memories with her parents sat right here. She knew that she could always come home and they wouldn't be any different to ten years ago, that whilst she had obviously grown up and changed, they looked the same, spoke the same way and treated her like they always had.
They would never change. That fact allowed her to sleep well when she went to sleep in her old bed.
The dreams that surrounded her that night were odd, but entertaining. Her brain conjured up a film reel of picture perfect moments of family photographs. She was lost in a world of a photographer taking pictures of her and her parents. They needed a picture for their mantelpiece apparently. Her mother insisted on this and it had to be a good one. Sakura didn't think having family photographs being taken would be an enjoyable experience, but her parents made it so. They were entertaining, if not completely mortifying. Hilarity constantly ensued.
Her dad would attempt to make them laugh by making terrible jokes. Her mother would make threats through gritted, smiling teeth. This resulted in her dad looking awkward and her mum looking annoyed, and she just looked incredibly embarrassed. They had to take several photos, with comments in between from all three of them (either making them pull unflattering faces or not appreciating how they looked in the resulting photo), making each one a no-go. Eventually, they managed one perfect photo. They may have all been laughing rather than smiling but just dreaming and hearing that laughter was uplifting. She was older in this dream, but she knew her identity. Sakura Haruno, daughter of Mebuki and Kizashi Haruno – officially the most embarrassing parents in the whole of Konoha.
She woke up with a smile on her face, to a room that had not changed since her childhood. Her bed, dressing table, chair and mirror were all in the exact same place. It felt like she had come home to her parents' house, to a place where she used to live. It was strange to feel like that. She thought she would feel most at home in this bedroom - in this bed. It was comforting, but she couldn't see herself here forever.
Her family... She loved them but they were not perfect. When you're young, you don't spot any errors in your parents – they simply can't make mistakes. However, her father could be rather dense on occasion and these moments made her laugh. Her mother's temper could easily get the better of her and these moments also made her laugh (which she would have to stifle and pretend like it wasn't an amusing situation).
This only applied to private moments between the three of them. As soon they were out in public, their interaction was uncomfortable and inconvenient for her social life. Young memories she looked back on made her wonder why she wasn't exasperated at her parents' interactions more. Sakura was certain she must have forgotten plenty of embarrassing moments. She could only imagine their potential to embarrass her in public these days. Her mother had stated her dad was getting worse.
Did the fact that she could spot errors mean she had grown up? The possibility left her wondering. She identified past events with embarrassment, but some humour, and she thought of her parents much differently than she did as a child. Had she grown up recently for a second time, or was she already grown up mentally when she awoke in the hospital?
Sakura didn't know the answer to that question and she didn't want to think about it any further currently. She was going to relax and recuperate. There would be no amnesia troubling thoughts and no back and forth emotions. For a few days, she would live like she used to. It would only be for a little while, because she had a strong feeling that after too long she would miss her independence – as much independence as an amnesiac could have.
In a positive frame of mind, she pulled back her covers and hopped out of bed. She walked across her wooden floor up to the full-length mirror besides her dressing table and looked at her reflection. As a child, she used to be dwarfed by the image staring back at her. The room used to be the majority of what she saw as she glanced upwards. Now she filled the frame as she stood up straight.
She felt old. She felt tall. She didn't feel as ugly as all the kids used to call her. Granted, she still had the big forehead, which was something she desperately wished she would grow out of when she was young. It was something that had the potential to still bother her, but as she had been surrounded by caring people with positive attitudes about herself and her lifestyle, looks were not important to her.
Were physical appearances meaningful to her before she hit her head? How long did it take her to drop that down so far on her priority list, if she did at all? For how many years did Ino need to protect her until she managed to find her own confidence? Her childhood memories with Ino were few, but she had become best friends with the girl so quickly and her short known relationship with Ino was important to her.
Older Ino had tarnished some of her childhood awe and respect, but she grew to like her best friend in a very different way. Their new friendship consisted of teasing and embarrassing, yet still humorous, back and forth banter. They cared for each other – they just hid it well. When she thought about it more, their friendship had been completely overhauled. She hadn't shied behind the blonde for anything, although Ino did still try and influence her fashion style and her social choices.
Remembering something in particular, she sat down on her dresser's chair and pulled open the draw. Her hand ghosted into its empty space. She used to keep the ribbon that Ino gave her in here. She hadn't found it at her house and it wasn't here either. Granted, it wouldn't suit her now. But it had begun to be a part of her emerging personality. That small ribbon gave her the confidence to stand up a little taller and stop hiding behind ugly bangs.
She wondered how long it took her to stand on her own. Did she then start to put others down? In a way, she did not want to know the answer to that question. Ino's descriptions of her infatuation with Sasuke, and spitefulness towards Naruto, made her question herself big time. Firstly, she obviously couldn't judge character at some point in her life.
Perhaps she was never truly inwardly confident or secure if she had to put Naruto down to pick herself up, because she remembered seeing Naruto around as a child. He was similar to her, always on his own. If she had been more self-assured she would have approached him, but she didn't see him very often and she was pulled away when he was near.
She wanted to ask her mum why, why be so cruel to a rejected child? Then she realised she had done the exact same thing just yesterday. She hoped her mother had as good intentions as she did and deep down knew that would be the case. Her parents were protective of her - too protective. She was not as fragile as they likely thought, even if she turned up upset on their doorstep. She hoped she was not treated like a damaged patient. Her friends certainly had not done so. They tested her, they trained her, and they took advantage of her condition which made her feel like one of them.
She did not want to go without that forever. She missed them already, enough to make her feel lonely – although that is what she wanted. She wanted to remember because they wanted her to remember. She couldn't afford to be complacent with what she had, even if her friends were comforting enough to make her happy in her situation. If she was truly happy, she could not put everything she had into remembering and training for fear of everything spiralling downwards in failure and disappointment.
She was not truly happy. When moments were depressing, or frightening, or even confusing, she began to question herself feverishly. She wanted to live to the best of her ability. She wanted to be the best person she could possibly be. Therefore, she needed to be strong enough to push through the darkness and the loneliness of feeling like ten years of her life was empty, leaving her with only the potential to hurt her friends.
It would be much easier to stay in this room. She could stay with her parents forever and not hurt anyone, not be a burden through a lack of ability or knowledge. She looked upwards and stared at the plain ceiling in deep thought. This might be better for everyone. Her parents got to spend time with her. She was not endangering her friends by putting herself in a position to be kidnapped or make crazy decisions. She was not wasting their time by getting them to try and teach her things over and over again.
She sighed. Perhaps she was not ready to go back to them. If absence makes the heart grow fonder, she would isolate herself until she wanted nothing more than to go back to Naruto, to Ino, to Tsunade and everyone who was willing to help her. There was no doubt they were good for her, but she wanted to feel like she could give back just as much.
Looking back at the room around her, she noticed how clean her dressing table was. It was likely that her mother gave it a quick tidy up yesterday while their dinner was cooking, but this area was particularly clean. It was plain and empty. She would have thought there would be old knickknacks, or photographs or clothes about, but it was bare.
She made a mental note to ask about it later, as well as to get her head in the moment and stop inwardly debating the same thing over and over. She came home for a break from it all, to be transported back into as much as her old life as possible, to calm down, as well as compare her new and old life. She was prepared to get lost in a routine and learn who she was.
Her parents were waiting for her at the kitchen table. They greeted her cheerfully and Mebuki placed her breakfast in her place. Anyone could get used to being waited on each day. She imagined the days merging together and before she knew it, years would pass by. She feared her memory slipping, resulting in her losing more time without even noticing.
"Steamed rice and miso soup," she said to herself as she sat down and pulled in her chair, "and last night we had fried bitter gourd."
When she raised her head, she noticed her mother looking at her oddly.
She swallowed. She hadn't forgotten a whole day again had she? If she was not being monitored closely by her friends, could further problems develop and go unreported? Tsunade had originally argued that she was to have a friend, preferably a medic, at her side at all times. However, she wouldn't put it passed the Hokage to have someone secretly watching her, despite the intrusion of her privacy and the waste of manpower.
"Yes, Sakura, that's right," Mebuki said slowly.
She exhaled in relief.
"Why?"
Sakura momentarily considered lying. She did not want to worry her parents any more than she had done with the whole amnesia deal. Then she realised that wasn't fair. It could cause additional problems. Her parents might need a list of signs to watch out for in case her condition worsened. As much as it felt like a failure, she needed to tell the truth. If she was truthful, her parents might grant her the same respect. She certainly didn't want a repeat of her relationship with Tsunade whereby the woman kept secrets from her to protect her. She wondered if the Hokage still did so. She was back with her own mother, she didn't need a second.
"A few days ago... I forgot a whole day."
"Anterograde amnesia?" her mother said, sounding surprised.
Sakura was taken aback by the display of knowledge. "You know about amnesia?"
Her dad nudged her and smiled. "Your mother has read every textbook on amnesia since you woke up in the hospital. She probably knows more than you, and that's saying something because you have a brilliant little medical mind."
Mebuki shrugged. "I wanted to know everything I could about your condition, so I could be there for you. I've had a few discussions with the Hokage too."
Sakura's eyes widened further. "I didn't think you were on friendly terms."
At the time, she hadn't known what to do about the two squabbling women. Their ferocity had frightened her. To learn that they had been collaborating so soon after butting heads didn't seem realistic. They had both wanted to be her main point of contact and their thoughts on what should happen regarding her amnesia were sharply contradictory.
"We share a common interest that is important to the both of us... you."
"But you were fighting, aggressively," she insisted.
"It was hard for me to listen to her speak. Before I talked to you she described the situation. It's not your fault, but I wanted to blame myself, or the next best thing, Tsunade. The greatest medic Konoha has ever seen, but she didn't know how to help you. She sent you on that mission. She tried to send me away from your bedside."
Sakura lowered her head. She hated that everyone was blaming themselves for her problem, her mistake. She saw it in her friends' eyes. Naruto did everything he could for her, but his eyes always expressed disappointment when he could not help her further. Everyone did so much and she let them down by making no progress – by getting worse.
"I felt useless. I could do nothing to help my daughter... but I realised Tsunade felt the same way. When I left, I knew you were in good hands with your friends and so I gave you time and space."
She mustered a smile, but her eyes began to tear up. She didn't need to be told how brilliant everybody else was. She couldn't express her appreciation to any of them. All these people were putting in work without her knowledge. Who knew how many textbooks her mother had trawled through, and probably frightened herself at the possible, but unlikely problems, that could develop. She had scared herself doing research early on also. The medical world was fascinating, but a very scary place.
"Thank you," she breathed, unable to voice more without breaking into tears.
"We visited you when you were in a coma," Kizashi added. "There was always someone sat at your bedside."
Sniffing, she tilted her head in agreement. "I'm very lucky."
They smiled at her comfortingly.
Mebuki added genuinely, "And so are we. We are proud of you, Sakura, no matter what happens."
Unable to stop the waterworks, Sakura stood up and leant across the table to pull her parents into a tight hug, crying tears of sadness, but also happy appreciation. If she did not have the support of her parents and friends, she would have fallen apart. Not only was she not alone in her battle, but she had options opened up to her and opportunities that not many would have. She may have brain damage, but she would never be more grateful for the ring of supportive people surrounding her.
If she was a bad person before she hit her head, when she remembered, her eyes would open up to an invaluable love that could change even the most bitter of hearts.
The rest of breakfast was eaten in a comfortable silence. Everyone was lost in their own thoughts and when the time came to clear up, everyone stayed sat in their places.
"You know..." Mebuki broke the silence. "When I was sat in that hospital room, it was easy for me to point the blame at your friends. I'm sorry for my behaviour. I didn't know how to handle it."
Sakura hoped her mother didn't feel guilt over the squabble with Tsunade. She had only brought that day up in an attempt to rectify her confusion over the current relationship of the two women. Perhaps Mebuki did feel slightly guilty over her actions that day, but Sakura wanted her to know that she wasn't angry or even confused anymore. It was understandable. They were stressed, unable to solve the problem and butted heads over the best course of action.
"It's okay."
"It's just hard to realise that you've become redundant in your child's life, when they need someone the most."
After all the gratitude Sakura felt towards her mum only minutes ago, she could not begin to fathom why Mebuki would feel like that. She came home - surely that was enough to clear up how much she still needed her parents. They created a safe, loving environment with no judgement or regret. They raised her and some of the strongest memories she could recall were with the two people sat around this table. Those memories were so care-free.
"You're never redundant, mum, I came home because I had to - nobody else can do a mother's job - I just needed that sense of security."
Her father stood up and headed towards the door in the kitchen that led to their back garden. He flicked the lock, ensuring the door could only be open from the inside. He then grinned at her. "Safe and secure, honey."
Sakura smiled at him. The man would always try and make light of a situation. He never wanted his family to be upset, nor did he allow them to linger on the negatives. She definitely didn't get her worrying personality from his side of the family. It was tough to bring him down.
He walked back over to the table and collected their dishes before piling them up and placing them in the washing up bowl. He turned on the hot water.
"Shall I help you wash up?" she offered.
Her parents seemed taken aback as they both looked at her with surprised expressions.
"You want to wash up?" Mebuki repeated.
"Of course. I always used to help out."
"You grew out of that one quickly," her mother answered with dry amusement. "Chores became unimportant to you. Your room often got messy."
That was tough to imagine. When she was little, she was always helping with work around the house. Helping in the kitchen, attempting to help move furniture... Painting with her dad had been one of her favourite activities when the opportunity arose. She must have forgotten her whole 'rebel, teenager' faze and she could not envision that she ever went through it.
"You should see my house... it's spotless. Granted, I got a dishwasher, but my books are alphabetised and at least I dust enough."
"You and your books." Her dad laughed.
"I love reading, and learning."
Mebuki smiled at her. "You've not lost your personality."
That was something she questioned all the time – how different she was now compared to before she had amnesia. How much can your personality change with a small bump to the head? "You really think so?"
"Of course, Sakura, you're still a grown up young lady. When you really mean something, you're very self-contained."
When she was younger, self-contained was something she would have loved to be. She always wanted the confidence to chase what she believed in. She had wanted to be as strong and cool as Ino was, but she had always stuttered over her words and hidden in her thoughts.
"And when I'm nervous it's plain obvious?" She wondered how much she had grown out of her negative traits, because she certainly didn't feel sure of herself and her decisions most of the time.
"Yes, but I don't know if you'll ever completely grow out of that habit. Tsunade must have really worked on your confidence."
"She's good at encouraging me... in a really bizarre way," Sakura admitted, recalling the many times just being in the presence of the Sannin had made her fear for her life and sanity.
"I never did thank her for all she did for you. I was too busy cursing her for taking you away from me."
Sakura frowned when the conversation headed back in that direction. At least she wasn't being treated like a child. Her mother was telling her the truth on serious topics and sharing her own fears and worries. Sakura wondered when her relationship changed and how close they had become as she grew up. It sounded like she had been a pretty vacant daughter recently. She made a mental note to remember to drop by every now and again when she moved on.
"I think she understands that. I'm lucky to have you both in my life."
"And me!" her dad called out, glancing over his shoulder at them still sat down at the table.
"Yes, dad, you too."
Mebuki studied her closely. "Then why did you come home?"
It was asked out of curiosity and kindness, and while Sakura would rather not divulge what had been upsetting her recently, she owed her parents an explanation. The sooner she got it off her chest, the sooner she could forget about it and her parents would not be additionally worried about her mental state. They were being honest with her and she would be honest with them in return, even if the truth was ugly.
Sakura recalled the events of the previous morning, where her friends had all brought in pictures of their past memories in an attempt to spark something in her, only to shake her badly. She omitted the part about telling Tsunade that she didn't want any further interaction with her friends, and the talk she had with Naruto. That wound was still fresh and she poked at it enough herself without openly discussing it. She was not ready to talk about her emotions revolving around that boy yet. "In that moment I was so lost, I had to come home."
"The picture on the wall in the hallway..." Mebuki trailed off, realising why she had acted so strangely when she had seen the photograph hanging on the wall.
"Was tough for me to look at."
Her father, who had finished washing up whilst Sakura explained her situation, was now stood leaning against the counter so he could face both of them. "Hold on a moment," he said before heading out of the kitchen into their living room.
Mother and daughter watched him leave and shared a curious look before he returned not long after. He had a photo album in his hand and was flicking through it as he re-entered the kitchen. When Mebuki saw this, she pulled her chair around to the corner of the table so she could sit right next to her daughter and get a better look at what Kizashi was going to show them.
Sakura was instantly nervous. She came home to avoid these sorts of situations, not increase them. She did not want to see any more photographs of her past life that she could not remember or feel attachment to. It was tough to see the connection in the peoples' eyes around her when she felt nothing.
However, her dad seemed to think it was a good idea as he began speaking. "People forget things all the time. Just because you can't remember these moments, it doesn't make you any less of the girl in each picture." He turned over the page and placed the photo album on the table in front of her. "For example, I don't remember this day."
Sakura looked at the image closely. She was with her dad, a party hat on her head, stood over a cake. They both grinned up at the camera with childish glee. "That looks like my birthday."
Her dad looked closer. "Ah. So it is."
"You don't remember my birthday?"
He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "You've had eighteen of them, and I'm getting old, you know."
She pouted. She hoped he was only teasing. He should remember his daughter's birthday more than most things. They all knew she couldn't recall it.
"I, for one, remember all of your birthdays," her mother interrupted, shooting a look at her husband.
Kizashi straightened. "And of course I do too! This was your tenth birthday."
Sakura studied his face and frowned. "Did you just count the candles on the cake?"
He smiled back at her. "I remember it."
"I don't."
Her mother skipped over a couple of pages of photographs to find another. "Do you remember this?"
She was younger here and she was not sure what age she was in the picture. She still had no recollection of the event.
"No."
"You were six years old. That exceeds your amnesia range."
Her dad nodded. "You can't get upset when you see pictures of things you don't remember. We all forget so much anyway. Time will always escape us and memories will eventually too. See, I don't remember this either."
Sakura looked closer at the new photo her dad was pointing at. "That looks like mum's birthday."
She looked back up to see her dad awkwardly smiling and her mother glaring at him.
Mebuki grumbled, "You would think memory loss runs in the family."
"I live in the moment," Kizashi defended himself. "Even if I can't recall these images, it doesn't mean they didn't happen, they cannot bring me down."
It was tough to live in the moment when you were unsure of your past and worried about the future, but her dad was right. She couldn't go forever avoiding seeing images from years before. She didn't want to bring those around her down by getting worked up each time she struggled to recollect something. Instead, she needed to try and let the images spur her on to try and remember them.
She allowed her parents to show her the rest of the photo album and the more they shared their memories and laughed with each other, little by little her smile grew more natural as she listened to the stories. She didn't immediately rack her brains for the memory or over think each picture. She listened. She could picture what they were saying and it didn't really matter if she was anywhere near close in her imagination. The pair often disagreed about how an event happened and in their minds they viewed the memory completely differently. It was all about personal perspective.
For the next few days, Sakura lived like she was on holiday. She tried not to worry herself and allowed her parents to spend quality time with her. They shopped, they ate out and they visited sites around Konoha as a family.
After she showed signs of comfortableness, her parents (her mum mainly) discussed sparsely about her amnesia and all she had done and learnt after she woke up in the hospital. She left out the darkest of matters for now, such as Sasuke and events like her escapade into the Forest of Death (she knew she would be scolded for that, or worse - set her mother on Tsunade again for the dangerous experiments), and focused on describing her experiences in a positive light.
It was easy to explain things in a positive manner when Naruto was involved, but she quickly got off the topic every time he was mentioned. She had subconsciously been looking out for him as she walked around the town. At one point she had spotted a spike of blond hair and her heart had skipped a beat. She wanted to see him, but she wasn't admitting it out loud or putting too much effort into finding him.
Mebuki also admitted to quickly taking down all the pictures in their lounge when she had arrived at the house. Every day, her mother placed one old item back in its place. Sakura had been counting them each time, making sure a number wasn't missed which would have meant she had forgotten the day before.
None of the appearing photographs meant anything to her personally, but she did not allow that to upset her. Small things reappeared in her room as well – an old ninja headband, old clothes, and even a copy of her Team 7 photograph (which after seeing it enough in her own house did not upset her anymore, although admittedly caused some deep feelings of confusion).
There was still no sign of her ribbon from Ino which felt like the only item that was truly missing. That would have meant something to her, unlike all the other magically appearing objects. That was until her mother commented on there being one more photograph to put back in its place - the centre mantelpiece decoration.
Sakura watched from the sofa, as Mebuki walked up to their mantelpiece in front her and placed a large framed photograph in the empty space in the middle. Sakura's eyes settled on the final picture and she was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of familiarity. She had seen this photograph before. It was the one she saw so clearly in her sleep. They were all laughing. There was not a hair out of place from her dream. All she could do was stare at the image in shocked realisation.
"Oh boy," her mother began, stepping backwards to check it was evenly placed on the shelf, "I remember this day."
"The photographer was a great guy," her dad commented from the sofa.
Mebuki moved to sit between them and nudged her husband. "He had to be to put up with your terrible jokes."
"He loved them."
"Not after the amount of takes it took to get one photograph."
She dreamed this. Everything they were saying fitted in perfectly with her dream from a few nights prior.
"Déjà vu," she uttered.
Her parents stopped their squabbling to look at her.
"I dreamt this. Exactly how you described. I have seen this picture in my sleep," she told them, beginning to feel a strange excitement.
"I see it in my nightmares," Mebuki responded gruffly.
"Seriously, I recalled that day in my dreams, the other night," she insisted, finally looking away from the photo to observe her parents.
They smiled at her, but their faces remained flat. It was obvious that they were not going to question her, but they did not fully believe her either. Her epiphany was not going to spark up an engaging conversation. The event could not have been that long ago, and there was absolutely no reason why she would recall just the one day, those specific minutes of memories. She had gone to bed thinking about what had happened in the day which could have been a cause of her brain creating a story about photography. Only it was no story. Her dream was real, it had to be.
"It's not the first time it has happened."
"You were always a dreamer," her dad told her, still smiling.
"I remember things in my sleep and they're so realistic. They have to be memories."
Her parents didn't say anything. They watched her, but the silence began to grow into an awkward stretch of them not knowing how to respond. Her need for affirmation quickly built up within her.
"Why does nobody believe it?" she asked, getting increasingly frustrated.
"Anything can happen in a dream," Mebuki said slowly, "and they can feel so realistic that you think it's real."
She didn't want to hear any doubts. She couldn't handle that. Not here. Not now. She did not want her first feeling of hope in a while to be squashed by anybody's lack of enthusiasm.
She stood up and headed out of the room.
"Sakura..." her mum said quietly.
She didn't answer and continued through the living room into the hallway.
"Is there anything about dreams in your amnesia textbooks?" she heard her dad say.
"No, nothing."
She sighed. As an amnesic, it was already hard to trust her reality, especially in the ninja world. A lack of faith and belief from the people around her was enough to shake her questionable self-understanding. She doubted they didn't believe in her, but she wouldn't disagree with them for being uncertain of her mental state.
"I'm going to take a walk," she shouted and headed for the front door.
She received a tone of protest in reply, but ignored her mother's concerned call and left the house quickly.
She needed time to think, ironically, away from the place she had gone to do just that.
Perhaps the fresh air could calm her. It was a cloudy day, but the temperature was still comfortable to walk around Konoha without needing to wear any additional layers. Even if it was cold and rainy, Sakura doubted she would feel it as she was so lost in her own thoughts, she didn't begin to register where she was going. She just wanted to get away.
If only her family and friends would listen to her theories – even if they were crazy. Even if her dreams were only creating a sense of déjà vu and weren't real... Others trying to listen would help appease her inner-conflict. She got that nobody wanted to give her false hope, but arguing with her made her feel exhausted and all types of self-doubt.
Only Naruto seemed to be encouraged by her memories recalled through dreams. He even tried to help her remember things further despite the ridiculousness of telling her stories as she tried to get to sleep. Everyone else was sceptical. She might have been grasping at straws with all of her other theories but this one meant something to her. It was hard when everyone threw it back in her face.
She couldn't tell Naruto. He was the one she wanted to talk to about it. He was the only one who shared her excitement over her feeling like this really was something. Even if it was stupid and in the end was not true, it was still nice to feel a sense of encouragement and for once feel like she was getting somewhere.
Nobody else even tried to understand.
The problem was that Naruto was also encouraged by little white lies that she told him to try and cheer him up. She made up medical facts so he was not upset when she hit a snag with her condition. The people who didn't believe her were the scientists. They were people she highly respected and their knowledge was not easily questioned or doubted.
Naruto was great, but his optimism was just that, optimism. He believed her because he had faith in her and trusted her and because she said things with all good intentions. How could he continue to trust her after what she had said to him recently? Would there be a point where he did not encourage her decisions or believe what she did was for the best?
She wouldn't blame him. He already didn't understand her decision to step back from him. His hurt was clear in his face, in his smile that was so stupidly fake it killed her to see. Why did she have to put down the one person who made her feel like everything was all right? He made the bad good and the good better. She was crazy for letting that go.
However, she had done it before. She lied to him about going in the Forest of Death and he saw straight through her. He still let her make her stupid choice but stood behind her during it and after it. He didn't bring it up. He didn't scold her. How much could she mess up and him forgive her with no second thought? How much pain did he store internally but not want to share with her?
She did it for him, the things that hurt him, trying to remember even if it put her in danger or pushed her away from others... but she also realised she couldn't do it without him. He was a rock and she needed that stability and support. The bond she felt with him was unlike anything she shared with other people. When all she had to go off was feelings, not facts or memories, she was inexplicitly drawn to him.
No wonder she had cherished her time with him above solving her amnesia. What she felt for him was so strong; she didn't care about her own well-being. The problem with that was he was so selfless that if she wasn't happy he took it upon himself to make her so, like it was his responsibility. He was just too good. That's why she needed to remember. Her overcoming her amnesia would make him happy because it would make her comfortable again. Surely her memories made her who she is, and then she could be the person he had claimed to love. She could make him happy, and others happy.
It would be selfish of her to go back now. She wanted to believe that by living her old life, she would gravitate towards the new. She would understand who she was because she could develop again into the person she had been before her amnesia. At the very least, she could understand, in the most selfish of ways, why she wanted to remember. If she could let go of her friends' wishes, she could ultimately want to remember for herself. That needed to be key in the process of remembering.
Her emotions were a constant roller coaster. She was having mood swings all the time. One moment she was laughing and the next she was on the verge of frustrated tears. Her confusing thoughts led her in circles and she never quite felt like she had her feet firmly on the ground. She couldn't trust her past self, or her current self. She didn't even really know who she was then or now. She knew Naruto would get her through this period of uncertainty if she let him, but it was something she needed to do on her own.
Her footsteps slowed as she realised that perhaps she was not angry at her parents, or at her friends, but at herself. Her family and friends supported her and they did listen. She was the one having trouble believing herself. If she was stronger, if she was more confident in her abilities and herself, it wouldn't matter if nobody else was on the same page. Nobody could completely understand her. They couldn't go through her situation no matter how much they tried to sympathise. It couldn't be easy for them to help her when her whole situation was unknown and unpredictable.
She was lost, but she couldn't blame anybody but herself. It was her attitude towards her situation that affected how she felt.
Her dad would be joyous even if he had amnesia – as long as he had his family then he didn't care. He lived in the moment.
Naruto's situation wasn't ideal. He was so strong despite all he had been through and she would never fully understand his pain either. If he had amnesia... she couldn't see him changing, and she would stick by him no matter what.
She didn't know much about her other friends' pasts, if they were good or bad or ugly, but she was still surrounded by such strong personalities that she felt that she had the inner-strength to deal with her situation. She had to accept it at the very least. She had amnesia. She couldn't remember ten years of her life. She couldn't control chakra and heal or fight or do her job as a medical ninja of Konoha.
In the eyes of others, she had some sense of identity. Alone, she was a rather confused girl who wanted to be a good person. She wanted to be a medical ninja. She didn't want to be a burden or a worry to those around her.
That's what she knew.
She stopped walking.
She just didn't know how to achieve what she wanted.
"Hey, Sakura."
She looked up in surprise to see Kakashi stood in front of her. Immediately pulled out of her thoughts, she frowned slightly. Her friends were not supposed to approach her, but then she remembered Kakashi had not come to her little science experiment last week. Perhaps he was not told about her request. It was nice to see him, but she wouldn't admit that.
"You're not around very often," she scolded. "Did you not have pictures to share with me?"
Kakashi regarded her in silence for a moment. "I took frequent shifts to watch out for you when Tsunade asked for volunteers. I am around more than you think. I thought you looked a little lost, so..." he trailed off, as if regretting his decision to speak with her.
"I'm sorry," she apologised quickly, wishing she could take back her fake anger. "You're right. I'm feeling a little lost right now."
"We are all still here for you when you decide you want to see us. You are not alone."
So he had been informed. She wondered how much her friends spoke about her behind her back and whether they were all in on plans surrounding her that she was annoyingly unaware of. Kakashi popped up occasionally, more than she gave him credit for. If she needed him, he was there. He saved her life. He made her laugh. He made really lame excuses that both irked her and confused her. He usually avoided meaningful conversations but now he was here she was going to use him for just that.
"You are all so strong," she commented, letting out some of her thoughts, glad for someone to confide in. "You're good at acting like you don't care, that you're not affected by anything negative, or by my request to have you all keep your distance."
"They care. Your friends are not the type to let on what they're feeling, they may say one thing, but they'll always be there if you need them."
She gathered that. They were all so good at controlling themselves that she felt like she was the only one with more than a handful of emotions. It was like she was more human than any of her comrades. They were too good at being stoic. She just wanted to talk to them and for them to tell her how they were really feeling – she wanted the truth. She wanted more information from Kakashi and so decided to try and get him talking.
"Like Ino?"
"Like Ino."
"Like Naruto?"
"Sakura... If you can't see how much he tries to tell you he likes you, then you really are the same old Sakura."
She found she wasn't as comfortable talking about Naruto to other people than she was admitting her feelings to herself. She admitted she was confused over him, that she needed him, but she didn't even know if she could tell him that. She might need to in order to win him back when she was ready.
"Like Sai?" she continued, not dwelling on the topic of Naruto.
"I wouldn't bet on Sai emotionally. When you're having as many social issues as he is, you know you're in trouble."
Kakashi had said it in good humour, but she was curious about Sai's past. They all had their individual problems and Sai was more robotic than most. She wanted to know her friends' histories and what they had overcome.
"What happened with Sai?" she asked, watching Kakashi's face for any kind of emotional hints that were so unlikely to occur.
The masked man stood there with his hands in his pockets. He seemed tired, almost as lost in thought as she was.
"Sai had his emotions stripped away by ROOT, a once corrupt Konoha ANBU division that wanted unfeeling soldiers to do whatever it took to achieve mission objectives."
That was horrible. She couldn't believe anybody with such evil intentions existed in Konoha, now or in the past. Her thoughts drifted to Sasuke momentarily – he was her only run in with the dark side that she had experienced and anything evil that involved her friends made her skin crawl. But then she also remembered Sasuke as an innocent child, a boy who just lost his family. Seeing what he had become... she feared that kind of darkness.
Yet she still wanted to know what her friends had been through. She wanted to be as much comfort to them as they were to her. She realised Kakashi Hatake was not the best person to ask for detailed stories. He was more reserved than most. He cared and he would be there when you needed him, but he knew how to take a back seat and keep his thoughts to himself.
"And what about you?" she asked him.
His body language stiffened and she realised the discomfort her question put him in. Something in his eyes reflected demons she didn't think she could understand. Knowing this, she realised that if it hurt him to say it, she didn't want to ask about his past and problems. What if she forgot this day and asked him again? She would rather not risk being damagingly intrusive as much as possible.
"If you really need me, Sakura, I'll be there," he answered, partly avoiding the question.
That was enough. She wanted to get off the quickly plummeting subject. "Naruto and I needed you the other night... We had no money, were you there then?" She changed the topic and tried to sound as teasing as possible.
"...No."
She tapped her chin. "Naruto did say you're cheap with your money. How's that pet you were looking after for the old lady?"
"The hamster is fine."
She really didn't know when this guy was joking or not. He sounded dead serious. He looked it too, although he was definitely more relaxed than he was moments ago.
"Would I know you better, or are you always this mysterious?" she asked, only partly teasing.
He was an enigma.
"Sakura... I wear a mask."
That definitely helped.
"Point taken."
He chuckled and she smiled at him, glad for his shift in attitude.
"You know, I've been having short term memory issues."
He turned more serious.
"So you could totally show me your face and I'd forget it again."
"My face is unforgettable."
"Then you really need to show me it, it might even be helpful!" she insisted, mustering enthusiasm that she was not truly feeling after the day's events.
He reached out and placed his hand on her head, ruffling her hair in a slightly condescending, but comforting gesture. She knew she meant something to him. She could feel the bond even if she didn't properly understand it. A man like Kakashi... their friendship was probably built with small moments where they clicked, where they made each other laugh, or shout, or cry. Memories - she never missed them more than in these moments.
Why are we friends, Kakashi, why do you like me?
The question radiated within her as she looked up at him.
He slowly lowered his arm back to rest by his side.
"What do you think about my amnesia, Kakashi? Am I different? Are we different?"
There were so many questions constantly bouncing around in her head. She always wanted to know what people thought of her. She wanted to be the best version of her that she could be, whether she had to revert back to the past or work towards the future, she just wanted to be herself – a happy, strong individual.
"I was the team leader when the injury happened... There are a lot of people I have failed in my time as a shinobi... I never wished for you to be added to that list. I am sorry, Sakura."
She observed him lower his head to stare at the ground. He was showing her his human side, but it pained her to see him like this, to hear his sincere words. How could he blame himself? It was idiotic. It wasn't fair. This is what she hated most about her amnesia - her friends feeling guilty for a number of things that she wanted to furiously deny... But she couldn't remember the truth, so what good could she do by arguing?
"Kakashi... If there's anything I know it's the morality of the people I talk to. It's like seeing everything from an unbiased view. You're a good man, I know that much. I don't blame you for my injury and it would upset me if anybody took the blame but me."
He didn't answer.
She had not even thought about the traumatic event of physically obtaining her injury and the stress she put her friends through.
"Who else was there when I hit my head?"
"Naruto and Sai. Your head was bleeding and you were not regaining consciousness. Naruto thought you were dying... It was quite distressing to watch."
Her heart clenched painfully. She was sorry that she put her team through that. "He's good at hiding his hurt."
"He always has been around you."
"That's weird. I think I'm the opposite. I want to tell him everything that's wrong... He makes me feel better."
"He's good at that."
Too good, she thought. "I do miss him."
"Then go and talk to him," Kakashi encouraged.
"But I wanted to see what life was like without him. I wanted to know how it feels to want to remember my old life for myself and not others. After thinking about it, I think he's better off without me."
It kept occurring to her that she had put Naruto in danger, got him in trouble, lied to him, hurt him, and he had not done a single thing to put her in harm's way – physically or emotionally. Surely it would be better for her not to go back to him and prevent any further pain.
"He spent a record amount of time in the hospital while you were unconscious. He spent longer in that room than he had spent in the hospital in his life."
"I don't think I deserve that," she admitted.
"If you really think you don't deserve him, then I think he deserves to be the judge of that."
But he was so kind, she inwardly argued.
"Thank you for talking to me, Kakashi."
"Sometimes you just need to get your words out of your system," he told her.
She did feel like that. She wondered if he was referring to himself too. She must share some personality traits with her ex-self, although it didn't sound like it was the good ones. Internally festering thoughts until she had an emotional outburst? That was not a fun trait to have.
"I appreciate your friendship."
He nodded.
"And, Kakashi? I don't care if you personally hit me over the head. I don't remember what happened that day, but I hope I was a good enough person beforehand for you to have known that I hate that you're feeling guilty and that you're hurt over my problem. Please don't feel like you failed to protect me. You've saved my life in recent memory, and I'm sure you have in the past. You're important to me too. I want you be happy."
"I hope for the same for you."
She smiled at him as brightly as she could before walking up to him. As she past him, she punched him playfully on the shoulder because for some reason that felt like the best gesture. She didn't want to say an awkward goodbye, or say anything to hurt his feelings any further.
She continued to walk through the streets. If she stopped, she would probably break down completely. She felt even more fragile than when she left the house, as her thoughts consumed her and simmered under her skin.
Kakashi meant well, but the end of that conversation had depressed her. Naruto protected her fiercely, her other teammates too, she didn't want to imagine what it would be like if they thought she was dead. That time in her life would be something she would not want to remember. Even thinking about it put her on edge.
She kept her head low, hoping not to run into anybody else. She was going to take the next turn and find somewhere to sit alone. People meant well, but she wouldn't be so bothered about forgetting all about them if they didn't.
When she heard footsteps in the distance in front of her, she raised her head to see if it was someone else she knew. It wasn't and she breathed a sigh of relief.
However, as she studied them, her footsteps began to slow down.
Did she know them?
When their pace slowed also, she was almost sure of it. She did not make any eye contact, but continuously glanced back and forth between them as inconspicuously as possible as they grew closer.
The two people in front of her did not fit in. One was a male and the other was a female. They were both taller than her and likely older. The girl had blonde hair styled in what looked like four ponytails behind her head. The male had a black hood that covered the top and sides of his face but she noticed odd purple face paint on his skin. The pair were both dressed in black outfits that did not mirror Konoha's clothing styles at all.
Judging by their forehead protectors, they were from the Sand village. It would be possible for her to know them – she was the Hokage's apprentice after all and likely had opportunities to travel and meet representatives from other towns. Being a ninja who went on missions would also mean she could know them.
Almost immediately, however, she began to talk herself out of it. What was the chance she knew them? The fact that they were from another village massively decreased the chance that she was aware of their existence. They likely slowed because she was staring at them. For all she knew, they could have been sizing her up for some kind of fight. Who knew what the inhabitants of the places outside Konoha were like - she had barely been outside the gates.
She didn't trust her brain. She didn't want any trouble. She sped up again, avoiding eye contact completely and looking beyond them below face height. Their footsteps also sped up to their previous speed which was a good thing because their whole face off walk was awkward.
As they got closer to her, they broke apart to walk around her. She tensed as she walked through the middle, but not because she thought they were going to attack her. She doubted it would be allowed considering the level of protection the Hokage and her friends had bestowed upon her so far. But these two were just... familiar? It was a strange feeling.
If she was with a friend, she would ask them if she had met the couple before. But she had pushed her friends away. She shook her head to clear the thoughts and risked one more glance at the Sand couple. She caught them looking over their shoulders at her. They looked back in front of them as soon as she noticed them staring.
She might have known them. She might have not. They either didn't know her enough to place her face, or they knew her so well that news of her amnesia had reached them and they were keeping a respectful distance.
She didn't want to speak to anybody else for a while anyway and so ploughed on along her path. She decided it would be best to head for her house if she wanted to find some peace and quiet.
However, she was stopped in her tracks again when a high-pitched female voice called after her. "Sakura-chan!"
She didn't recognise it, but with a put-on smile, she turned around and looked for the source.
The two Sand villagers had disappeared by now, and a young girl with short brown hair was running up to her. Two adults (likely her parents) followed her more slowly.
"Sakura-chan! Sakura-chan!" The girl shouted in excitement.
Unlikely family, she thought. She didn't remember having any baby cousins who this could have been.
"Hi there," she replied, trying to sound enthusiastic.
The girl slowed down when she reached her, but bounced up and down on the spot. "Sakura-chan! Do you remember me?"
Oh dear.
She couldn't exactly say 'no'. The girl beamed up at her, two big brown eyes excitedly waiting for her reply. She did not want to crush such happiness – she had already been enough trouble today.
Bending down onto one knee, she looked at the girl head on and decided that she could do nothing but be honest. "I recently hit my head," she began to explain, "and I've lost some of my memories."
She inwardly winced as the child's excitement withered and she seemed to shrink. Her eyes even began to tear up as she realised that she wasn't recognised. Sakura could barely maintain her own smile - her cheeks hurt it was so fake.
The young girl's lip quivered.
"I can't even remember my friends... Were you my friend?" Sakura continued, trying desperately to stop any waterworks that were going to take place.
What were the parents going to think? Did she know them too? She glanced at them to see they had stopped a few meters away from the scene - the looks of pity did not go un-missed by Sakura. She assumed most of Konoha knew of her amnesia. She hadn't been informed of this, but she noticed the looks people in the streets gave her. When she looked at people they avoided eye contact, but she felt their gazes linger on her when she turned away.
The little girl sniffed, but nodded her head slowly.
"Yeah, I bet you were." Sakura smiled at her, returning her full attention to her. "You're such a pretty little thing."
"You said that before," the girl mumbled sadly.
"I'm sure I did... Hey, if I ever get my memories back, you'll be the first person I remember."
The girl perked up at the thought. "Really?"
"Of course. Don't tell me your name, when I remember, I'll tell you it. OK?" Sakura said before nodding encouragingly, although she doubted she sounded that convincing.
"OK. If you promise."
"I promise, when I remember, I'll find you."
"You healed my head, I know you'll heal your own," the girl said, suddenly full of confidence once more, she smiled up at her again. And then she was skipping around and away from her.
Crying averted – for the child at least. Sakura could barely offer a polite smile to the adults. The parents began walking again, they smiled back at her as they passed, but said nothing.
Sakura watched them go, standing upright to watch them.
"It's a real pity, she was such a sweet girl," she heard the mother mutter to her husband.
"We're lucky Sakura didn't get amnesia before our baby was admitted to hospital."
"Oh, there are other great Konoha medics."
"Yes, but it is a shame, Sakura really was something."
"She's still a nice girl."
"If only you could heal with words."
"You'd be a medical prodigy if that was the case."
Their voices faded away but Sakura still stood in the same spot on the path, even when the family were well out of earshot and she could no longer listen to their opinions about her. She suddenly felt very empty, hollow on the inside and everything around her seemed to grow darker.
She knew now, however much she didn't originally believe it, that she used to be something. To some she was a life saver, she was a best friend, a teammate, a love interest, a long-time student, a medic part of a thriving profession and now... she was just a girl, a nice girl, but nothing special. She was something. Now she was lost.
She immediately felt the need to go to Naruto and kicked herself. He was a safety net that she felt the need to grab every time she wobbled. She knew he would somehow help her out of this depressing metal state, but she didn't want to go to him with her problems all the time. She knew for a fact that he seemed to keep his own problems to himself and wouldn't share them with her. He didn't want to burden her with his sorrow, so she wouldn't hurt him with her own.
That didn't mean that she knew what to do though. She felt deflated, broken and useless. She wanted desperately to remember that girl's name, just so she'd never have to see the spirit in her eyes break completely. She wanted to say to the parents that she was more than just a nice girl, and that she could be a great medic again.
Not that she believed it herself.
Her own eyes began to tear up and she dragged her feet along the path before sitting down on the nearest pavement.
As soon as she sat on the stone, the tears began to fall down her cheeks and she cried into her hands.
Author Notes:
In two days, it will be the two year anniversary of me posting Amnesia to this website. The story itself is older than that but it's probably good that it took me a while to start posting it because my current uploading record is 0.75 chapters a month. Oh dear. I will try and increase that ratio before this story is finished.
A lot of this chapter is new ideas. I only recently decided Sakura would go back to her parents and some scenes throughout the chapter are newly thought-up too. The scene where Sakura meets the young girl was written at least a year ago and Kakashi's input in the chapter is also fairly old. It's all putting together a puzzle of old and new pieces. I can see the end from where we are... but I think I have been saying that for at least a year and the chapters keep getting more, unplanned additions.
We are getting over the depressing part and the next chapter will start to look up. Shame on me for ruining the 'be appreciative for what you've got' and 'life is all about perspective' moods by ending on this note.
Thank you to all new and old readers. Your feedback, however long or short, in reviews or PM's is always interesting and great fun to read.
That reminds me – no, this is not going to turn into a NaruHina/SasuSaku/any other romantic pairing fan fic. It will remain NaruSaku. Sakura attempting to let go of Naruto and her friends is by far an uncaring act. In fact in her mind, intentions are quite the opposite!
Thanks for reading.