Amnesia
Chapter 19: Moving On
Sakura didn't know how long it had been since she collapsed on the side of the path. Nobody had passed by and she sobbed until there were no tears left to escape her reddened eyes. Crying, she hoped, would let out all of her frustrations from the past few days. But in the end, she did not feel relieved, just very tired. She thought she had reached her lowest point when she bailed out on her friends' memory test and cut all ties with Naruto. It turned out she had not reached the bottom yet. She couldn't get any lower to the ground – literally.
Eventually, someone did pass by and it was someone she knew very well.
"...Sakura?" Ino said quietly as she approached.
Sakura immediately wiped her eyes with her hands and looked up. If she'd had the energy to hide her sorrow better she would have done. She needed to get the tears out of her system. Only then would she be able to pick herself up and attempt to move on. She was trying to do that alone, but nobody seemed to like that idea. She couldn't avoid people if she tried. Granted, she did travel straight through the streets of her hometown. Next time she was finding a better hiding spot. However, she had a feeling that wherever she hid, her friends would always find her.
Ino placed her hands on her knees and bent towards her, bringing herself closer to ground level to study her friend better. The blonde managed to keep a straight face and looked at her passively. Sakura was glad she wasn't being pitied yet (not that she had much energy to truly care). Ino probably knew her better than she knew herself and liked to claim it too. After their childhood together, after the past couple of months, Sakura wasn't stunned to see Ino didn't look surprised at all to find her crying on the side of the pavement. In fact, that was how they first met.
Recalling that memory, after pulling up so many blanks with other life events, should bring a certain level of satisfaction for her, but it didn't. She didn't want to recall how lonely and sad she was before Ino found her. She didn't want to remember the fear of trying to walk beside her first friend and speak up for herself. The bullies could stay buried, her apparent childhood naivety could be drowned and any cruelty she inflicted on others as the result of sudden misplaced confidence could go to hell.
She didn't want that back.
But the kindness of her friends, the fun, the nostalgic memories that brought emotions and laughter... she wanted that back desperately. She wanted to know all the names of her patients that she looked after as a medic. She wanted to be somebody and make someone feel special because she remembered the little people. If she never remembered, that little girl's quivering smile and teary eyes would haunt her for the rest of her life.
"There was this girl," Sakura admitted with a slight sniffle.
Even though she was most confident in Naruto's ability to cheer her up, he was on her 'don't let them see me cry' list. Ino wasn't - the girl knew what she was like, or at least what she used to be like. She had no problem spilling her troubles to her best female friend and she had a feeling that Ino enjoyed it more than she should.
If anything, Ino poked fun at her issues so much that she reduced them to trivial matters. Her teasing was not unlike Tsunade's, done right and it managed to make her happier - although it could easily frustrate her or bring on any other emotion depending on her mood. She just had to trust the girl to judge and manipulate her appropriately.
Being hunched over for so long had started to make her feel cramp, so she was about ready to get up from the pavement.
"She must have been no older than seven, a past patient," Sakura continued, sitting up straighter as she recalled the scene that had continued to replay in her head. She wanted desperately to forget that innocent face on the brim of an emotional breakdown.
"Ah, little children still make you cry. You know, medics are supposed to be detached," Ino said in attempt at uplifting conversation.
She must have been the worst professional medic in the world because she was emotionally attached to everyone. She still had trouble believing she was a ninja sometimes. She found it hard to imagine hurting others seriously, or lying, or hiding in the shadows and making a quick getaway from other people. She wished she could do the last two though.
She could see herself being a medic, but only because she wished she could heal others. She wanted to help her friends and she wanted to protect innocent people. She would rather be attached than truly detached. She would rather give up her ability to harm others altogether if it meant she could save those she cared about.
Then again, her friends were great ninjas and she couldn't see them being ruthless killers either. If she had not seen Naruto sparring with Kakashi, and fighting Sasuke, she wouldn't have believed he could hurt a fly. Sasuke... She could see him being ruthless and cruel, but Naruto (and apparently even she) was determined to bring him back to Konoha, so he had to have a good side. Naruto must see the best in everyone - that was probably why he was so attached to her as well.
She was constantly living on such a limited spectrum of information, which is what she was struggling with. If you had knowledge that could harm others at least you had a conscious choice to omit it from conversations and your actions. If you don't know something, even words, or a lack of words, can cause damage. She brought up topics that were best left dormant and she didn't always know what to say to appease the awkward situations that she put her friends in.
"It upset her that I didn't know who she was. I promised that I would remember her, but I just feel so... hollow, empty, and useless, a shell of what I used to be. It was more what the parents said afterwards. I don't think they knew I could hear them." Sakura gave her a half smile. "I can only imagine what it's like to find your purpose in life. I know what it's like to lose it."
Ino stood there in silence, a look of sympathy beginning to etch across her face. Sakura did not expect the blonde to know what to say. No words could change her situation. Only time would allow her to get over her faults and give her opportunities to claw back her forgotten knowledge. The more time that passed, the more irrelevant her forgotten knowledge would become. She would have longer to work on re-learning skills too.
"You know, I couldn't find my ribbon," Sakura said in a lame attempt to change the topic.
"Do you want it back?"
She shook her head. She was only interested in where it had gone. Everything in her old home had been put back into place, yet Ino's ribbon, which she saw as a symbol of her childhood, made no such appearance. Not that she would wear it now. She was comfortable without the accessory. "I don't think it would suit me, do you?"
"No, Forehead, not with your personality."
"Or my hairstyle."
Ino reached down and held out her hand. Sakura accepted the offer and allowed her friend to pull her up. They stood there for a moment and Sakura looked at their conjoined hands. It was almost as if this moment was something more. Ino wasn't even smiling at her - she just stared at her seriously and slightly curiously.
Sakura was the first to lower her hand. "Did I give you the ribbon back?"
Ino replied with an unenthusiastic half-shrug. "You did... I was quite offended."
Sakura couldn't help but laugh. Growing up offended her friend?
"But it was probably more the fact that you broke our friendship and declared us rivals over Sasuke."
She cringed. Happy conversations were always killed by Sasuke's name and especially if her past behaviour towards him was brought up. The thought of chasing that boy and pushing away Ino to do so made her skin crawl.
Ino noted her crude facial expression. "That's what I thought. No way in hell is Sakura going to get Sasuke over me." She snorted. "You tried, but frankly you were much more awkward with your attempts to win him over. I was cool about it. You got braver but still-"
"Please stop," she cried, unable to bear the building mental images of her awkward past.
Ino grinned at her. "See? You've forgotten some pretty embarrassing moments. I will laugh at you behind your back, which is great fun."
"Are you trying to make me cry again?" Sakura grumbled, beginning to walk away. There was a point when Ino flipped her emotions from recently comforted to seriously going back down the depressed route.
"I'm trying to cheer you up," Ino explained as she jogged to catch up and fall in step with her.
"Well, you suck."
They lapsed into silence. Sakura didn't particularly feel like speaking to her best friend any more due to the fear of getting worked up over something stupid (or serious). Ino seemed to notice her mood because she said no more on the topic and simply linked their arms together as they walked side by side down the path.
Eventually, Ino broke the tense atmosphere.
"All I'm saying is you have not lost everything."
Evidence of that was everywhere. Her friends. Her family. Her home. She had a lot. She lost a lot but she didn't lose her true self. So many things can go wrong with a brain injury. She could have been changed mentally to the point where her whole reality was morphed into something it was not. She still had sense – a sense, that as a child, she was never sure she could confidently develop.
Her lips upturned slightly and she stopped walking. "The bud bloomed?"
"Yeah, Forehead, into a pretty great flower."
It was a bittersweet fact.
They walked back to the Haruno household after that. Sakura didn't voice her appreciation for her friend's words, but gave her a quick hug when they reached their destination. As she opened the door to her parents' house, she paused on the spot.
Ino seemed to sense this and looked back at her from halfway down the path.
After a brief moment of hesitation, Sakura called, "Want to meet tomorrow? Unless you're busy?"
Ino looked taken aback, but quickly recovered. "I'm free! When?"
"Lunchtime? Say, twelve?" she suggested.
Ino smirked at her. "Sick of your parents' cooking already?"
Sakura quickly glanced inside to check nobody was in earshot of that comment. She didn't want to offend them. "It's better than mine at least, but lunch out would be nice."
Ino laughed and began walking again. "Sure thing. See you at twelve."
If she was supposed to feel disappointed in herself for giving in on her total-friendship ban, she wasn't. She needed the girl talk. Besides, Ino was part of her old life and she remembered her, so being around the blonde felt as part of her old life as it did new.
When she headed into the kitchen, she was greeted with two worried stares.
"I had a talk with Ino. I'm all good. Sorry for walking out like that, I just needed to clear my head."
Of course her parents forgave her and looked incredibly relieved. However, she didn't want to talk about the incident. After kissing her parents on the cheek, she excused herself and went to bed.
Emotionally drained, she had no trouble falling asleep.
"So do you not see me as a friend? Or are you completely failing at your new lone ranger lifestyle?" Ino asked as she tucked into her lunch.
Annoyed by the prospect of 'completely failing', she bit back, "You were part of my life before the memory loss. You don't count."
"Good because you're a great excuse. I was supposed to fill in some paperwork for the Hokage today, but I say 'I'm meeting Sakura!' and poof! I'm off the hook."
Sakura stared at her friend in disappointment and mild annoyance. "You said you weren't busy."
"If it was anything else, I would have turned you down but- kidding, kidding. I wanted to meet you." Ino rolled her eyes.
Appeased, Sakura gestured to herself as she said, "I want to do paperwork and hospital shifts."
"Then do it."
Sakura frowned. There were tasks she could manage at her old workplace and she had tried many non-chakra jobs over the course of her visits. But she was afraid; afraid of meeting past patients like that little girl, afraid of bumping into her friends after she had made her relationships with other people so awkward and complex. Mostly, she disliked the feeling of wanting to do more, but not having the ability to do so.
When the real medics rush off to save lives in emergencies and she's left standing there - when her entire sense of worth is questioned because she can't help. Ino would be this amazing medical ninja and she would be the little girl standing behind her in awe of the Yamanaka's confidence and skill. Their current position was unlike their childhood together. Ino was so cool. Sakura just wanted to be like her.
"I'm a medic too," Sakura said, "did I copy you?"
"Actually, you were a medic first."
A rush of pride filled her. She didn't expect that. She was a medic first. Despite her predicament, she smiled to herself. "Did you copy me?"
Ino snorted but didn't deny it, causing Sakura's lips to lift into a full grin. She would relish in her small victory because she loved getting the chance to tease the girl back. Ino was very good at spinning stories, making it hard to get any embarrassing gossip on the blonde. You couldn't poke fun at someone who seemed perfect, and would have you believe so too.
"You did help me out when I first started training."
That added to her amazement. At some point in her life, she managed to switch the trajectory of their relationship and teach her friend for once. She must have been so happy with herself during those training sessions, especially with something so important. Helping Ino learn to be a medic, if she was any good at teaching, should have been a big impact on the blonde's success. Taking their teasing bond into account, she wondered if she was ever big-headed about it.
"Was I ever cocky in those training sessions?"
Ino smiled genuinely and there was no teasing sparkle in her eyes when she answered, "Not at all."
Then she could be proud of herself. Of course she would take those moments very seriously and try her best to help the girl who had protected her throughout their childhood. There was a time and place for gloating about what you were good at. Teaching others wasn't one of those times.
"You never take credit for what you do. You don't like being the centre of attention."
That was also true of now. All the effort that surrounded her overwhelmed her with a sense of appreciation, but also apprehension. She was one person. She may have a brain injury and be friends with some amazing people, but those people had lives and she didn't want to be the middle of every issue or thought. Even now, even when she told everyone to give her space, she knew in her heart they were still thinking of her – likely as much as she was thinking about them.
By pushing them away, she just hoped they didn't feel like she was totally lost and lonely. She hoped they didn't think that she only did it because she couldn't cope or handle them and their plans. She had a sudden urge to tell them that. She was OK. She was just trying to figure things out without the input of those who had the ability to sway her judgement so easily.
"Ino," she said with sudden fervour, making the girl look up at her, slightly startled. "I didn't push you all away because you're too much for me. I did it because I wanted an uninfluenced view of my situation. Can you say that to everyone for me?"
Ino looked at her as if she had just stated the obvious. "We know."
"You might, but others might not. I left the room in a tizzy and-"
"Sakura," Ino interrupted, "we know."
Ino looked so sure of it too.
"How?"
"You've always tried to do things on your own. You're as bad as Naruto sometimes."
Did Naruto understand then? She would find that very hard to believe. If he was really like me, she thought, he would want to help me through every step of this because that's what I would want to do for him. He was always there for her. She needed to make it clear to him that she was fine, she would go back to him, she knew that before she said goodbye. She needed to know he was all right. She was sticking with her plan to distance herself from him, but she was giving up the fight when it came to stopping him from invading her mind.
"Can you tell it to Naruto at least? Is he OK?" she asked, almost wincing at the potential answer of no.
Ino's eyebrows knitted together in thought. "You've always done this to him, Sakura. He trusts you'll be OK. He just wishes he could do everything for you."
Sakura squeezed her eyes shut and put her head in her hands because that knowledge hurt her. Her heart couldn't handle it. Her chest physically ached. She would take a thousand blows to the head if she could be as good to him as he was to her. She just wanted him to be happy. She should have wanted that before her amnesia. That's why she didn't understand why she had done things like this before. This time she had a reason, but she highly doubted she had a decent motive for denying Naruto and putting him down considering his golden attitude towards her.
"What happened between the ages of eight and eighteen that made me push away someone who was prepared to give me positive attention?" Sakura voiced her thoughts. "You would think someone bullied and starved of positive reinforcement as a child would strive for it in later life."
"I think you grew beyond that. You always shied away from any attention. It embarrassed you. You would hide behind me."
She may have been a shy child and feared the consequences of putting herself out there, but that still didn't excuse her later actions. The behaviour she displayed in the visions that Sasuke showed her made her hate herself. She didn't understand why Naruto put up with it, or even why Sasuke put up with it. No wonder he enjoyed going through her to hurt Naruto. Yet she definitely didn't understand why Sasuke hated Naruto, or why anyone could hate him. To her, that was an impossible feat.
Ino continued, "You work so hard and never expect anything back, not even a 'thank you for saving my life.' I still think you get embarrassed when you receive compliments."
"It sounds like I get complimented a lot."
Ino laughed. "Only by Naruto."
She hummed, not wanting to comment.
However, Ino added, "And you blush or hit him for it, or do both."
Naruto did embarrass her by being sweet, but she knew he didn't deserve to get hit for it. Later on, when she recalled his words, it always made her smile. All Naruto had was a shiny bruise to show for it. He persisted though, so she silently gave him a lot of credit and wouldn't admit that she didn't want him to stop being as sweet as he was.
Although maybe he could tone it down in front of other people, and maybe stop talking a little bit sooner before he had a chance to completely change the meaning of his sentences. Even then, she knew what he meant, so she shouldn't really get mad. It was just something she had to do.
She sighed. "I don't understand myself."
"Nobody does," Ino admitted.
Sakura shot her friend a less than impressed look.
"What?" Ino smirked. "OK, I understand that you get embarrassed and badly cover it up, but I don't understand why you bother. Just date the guy."
This reoccurring topic didn't bother her so much anymore. She wanted to know what people thought of her and Naruto before and after she hit her head. She didn't understand why she wouldn't date him in the past, but now it was a different story. She was messed up in the head – that could cause nothing but pain for those closest to her.
"Maybe if I didn't have amnesia, Ino. Did you talk to me about this beforehand?"
"When I could, but you always got so defensive and dodged my questions. We didn't used to have as much girl talk as we do now, unless one of us was clearly upset."
"So my curiosity has done good for our friendship?"
Ino shrugged. "We understand each other, so we don't have to discuss everything. I like when you explain how you feel to me though, although you often just confirm what I thought. You never used to talk about your feelings."
She had so many feelings, but she just kept them churning internally. Sometimes, she was inwardly crumbling, but she had to try so hard to keep a smile on her face.
"Do you know why?" she asked.
"Denial," Ino stated. "That and probably fear of me acting on them. If you told me you like a guy, I'm sure I could set you up with him by the end of the week."
The thought occurred to her that she could be set up with Naruto by the end of the week - if he wasn't angry at her. She almost wished he was mad at her, not just for now but for the past. He deserved an apology that she knew he wouldn't accept. Their relationship was so complicated.
"Why are you distancing yourself from him anyway? You clearly don't want to, and he doesn't want it either. If you want me to go and check he's OK, why can't you do that?"
"I just can't!" she snapped.
"Woah, chill, Forehead, I wasn't picking at you, I just asked why."
Sakura sighed. "I'm sorry."
Put off by the mood swing, Ino sat back in her chair and looked at her but said no more.
Perhaps this was why they didn't have much girl talk. Ino pushed and she just wanted to push back. When it came to Naruto, she could barely accept the obvious truth of their relationship and their actions. If she let him be, they could be happy together... but could they ever be as happy as they could have been?
"Would he be happier if I had my memories?" Sakura looked at her friend seriously, saddened by the question that could potentially go forever unanswered. Her whole current life was on a constant tipping point that could go either way.
"I think he'd rather just spend the time with you, Sakura. He'd rather try and help you."
When he helped her, she enjoyed herself too much to truly care about the outcome of their training experiments. Only afterwards, did she think about his potential disappointment. He never showed it, but he seemed to try so hard to forever stay positive and encouraging.
"When I'm not with him, I have more motivation to try and remember."
Ino studied her seriously. "It doesn't matter if you're motivated and have the best medics in the world backing you... It won't just make you remember. You're playing this like you have control over the outcome."
Sakura's heart dipped at the comment, even if it was what she needed to hear from her best friend. Since she woke up in hospital, she had been playing it like she had control over the outcome. She had acted like the amount of effort she put in would equal gaining back all she had lost. She felt guilty when she didn't try because it obviously wouldn't help her. She felt sad when she tried and nothing came of it, even if that couldn't help her either.
She wasn't ready to cut her loses yet.
"For now, I'm not going back on what I said."
"Okay."
Ino didn't look surprised at her decision and stared back at her with mild aggravation. The blonde just wanted her and Naruto together too much - as if she believed romance would solve all of their problems. Thinking about Naruto romantically had only increased her guilt and confusion and sometimes made her feel slightly giddy at the prospect.
For now, they would both have to be lonely because she had nothing to show for their time apart yet. That still didn't stop her worrying that he was hurting.
"Naruto does have friends right?"
"Naruto has loads of friends," Ino affirmed.
Relief washed over her at the confirmation.
"That doesn't mean he'll go and be with them though. He can still choose to sulk because you broke up with him."
Sakura directed an unimpressed look at the blonde, but Ino wasn't affected.
"By the way, Tsunade wanted me to tell you that she wants to see you."
Sakura raised an eyebrow. But she had said she didn't want to see any of her new friends!
Ino rolled her eyes. "You can't completely avoid everyone, you know. Besides, she's the Hokage, you would see her every now and again, and you have to do what she says."
The Hokage ignoring her orders to be alone shouldn't be a surprise. She had a feeling that even if Tsunade wasn't the leader of the village, she still wouldn't respect her wishes.
"Then I'll go see her," Sakura announced, pushing her chair back and standing up.
She placed money on the table for her half of their lunch and headed for the door.
"You owe me money by the way!" Ino called after her.
Certain she had paid the right money, she called back over her shoulder, "For your consulting services?"
"No! But if I started charging for things like that I would be a millionaire!"
She waved her hand dismissively in the air. She had learnt to ignore a lot of Ino's claims. If she didn't, she would be giving up all sorts of information and be a lot poorer.
She would admit that Ino was good at cheering her up, but she didn't quite live up to Naruto's happiness-inducing standards. It was probably to do with their different approaches. Sakura didn't always feel like she had gained things out of her talks with Ino, and more often than not felt like she lost something at the same time. Whether it was pride, knowledge or money, Ino always had a way to profit from their interactions.
Sakura was nervous about meeting her mentor. What if the Hokage was mad for some reason? What if she was going to order her to interact with her friends again when she clearly wasn't ready? She didn't know what the woman could possibly want. She didn't know her as well as she used to – she may have never known her that well, because Tsunade was a brick wall of emotion.
Then Sakura kicked herself. Tsunade had been nothing but supportive of this plan – her mentor had even told her friends the news so that she didn't have to do it and face them in her fragile state. Tsunade hadn't got in touch with her beforehand; she might just be checking that everything was going all right. She might have had some kind of medical breakthrough!
No. There was no use getting her hopes up for something like that. It wasn't fair on herself or her mentor, to expect so much, to expect a miracle. However, surely Tsunade had some interesting theories about everything else going on. The Hokage had done a lot of research. Perhaps they could look at it together and not get anyone else involved. That way, it limited the damage of the amount of people getting too hopeful.
Tsunade was realistic, if not sceptical about the whole ordeal. Hopefully, the woman could handle their likely failures a lot better than she could, and a lot better than some of her incredibly invested friends.
Then if they tried everything and got nowhere, she could accept that there was no point in trying to figure out who she once was. She would have to believe that her past would not come back to haunt, or liberate her. She would just have to be who she was at this moment. If that happened, she decided, she would allow her friends to teach her the basics of everything and get a job as a nurse at the hospital. She would be as helpful as she could, but not get so involved when she would be blocked by the impossible.
That scenario ensured she didn't hurt herself or her friends. If there was no hope, there was no chance of dreams being crushed. They could just accept it. Sakura didn't want to believe that was an option because if it became a reality it would break part of her. But she wouldn't let it break others too. She would go back to her friends and apologise and say that she knew who she wanted to be.
Once she went back to them, she would do everything she could to be the best friend possible for Naruto and whatever happened between them would happen. Even if he would never have the past her, he would have the present and the future and she just hoped that would be enough to make him happy.
Alternatively, if Tsunade helped her come up with a plan, if something showed promise... she would deal with that when it came to it. Her nervous butterflies were returning and this time it wasn't about what Tsunade might say. She wasn't sure why she should feel nervous over potentially getting somewhere.
If she succeeded, everything would change. If she were to remember everything one day, would she be a different person? Would she feel the same way about all that she had experienced? Would she suddenly feel differently about friends and those most important to her now?
Regaining her old memories would give her the power to judge people differently, for better or for worse. How she turned out would depend on her past self. Thinking that was giving her an odd sense of pressure in her chest. The longer she chased the past, the more she wondered if she wanted it.
She should. She should want it. She told herself that again and again. She told her friends all the time that she wanted to remember and it was all she had worked for since waking up in hospital. But it had been months and all she had done was chase smoke and get others to do the same.
Yet if she could control chakra her life would also transform and she saw no negative repercussions. She could protect herself, meaning her friends had much less to worry about, and she could help people. Remembering meant she could be who she wanted to be.
The biggest fear with either of those options was the potential of further deterioration of her brain function. The thought of developing anterograde amnesia terrified her. Experiencing it once had shaken and panicked her. Before it, she was starting to cope with her situation. Now she was stressed. She was terrified.
If it happened again, if it got worse she would no longer be aware of her life. She could only imagine the pain it would put her friends through. It wouldn't matter to her then, because she wouldn't know it had happened. What would Naruto do? He would stick by her, he would take care of her and he would never get back from her what he deserved. She couldn't let that happen.
She needed to get reassurance from Tsunade that it wouldn't happen, or at least pre-plan her life if she was suddenly going to no longer be able to retain experiences. If it was going to happen, she didn't want to fix things with Naruto. She didn't want to give him responsibility over her, knowing she could develop mental issues. That would be selfish of her.
Considering how much she had wanted to spend time with him and how much he had invaded her thoughts since she distanced herself, she didn't think she would ever get over him. She wouldn't know, though. If she could no longer remember new experiences, she would be stuck in this state of emotional frustration forever.
If tomorrow, she woke up and thought the day was today, she would probably die earlier due to self-induced stress because she had put herself in a situation that she didn't want to be in.
Now she wanted to make amends with everyone. She couldn't allow her last sane words to Naruto to be pushing him away. However, that might be better for him. If she was cruel, it would make it easier for him to get over her.
No. She couldn't do that to him either. Seeing the pain would lock her in a prism of guilt forever.
Well, Sakura, she thought, let's just really hope that you don't develop anterograde amnesia.
Hopefully, Tsunade had good news, or at least not bad news.
Taking a deep breath, she knocked the door that lead into the Hokage's office.
"Come in!"
After a moment of hesitation, she stood up straight, exhaled deeply and opened the door.
Tsunade's desk was as busy as ever, stacked high with paperwork. Sakura often wondered if the woman ever got any work done. Every time she saw her, the pile only got higher. That could very well still be the same amnesia research that was there last time. At that thought, she swallowed and tore her gaze away from the papers to look at the Hokage's face.
She must have still looked nervous, because Tsunade smiled at her and stated, "I won't keep you long. I just thought I'd give you this..." Tsunade held up a plain black book.
Sakura walked forward and accepted the item. It looked like a leather bound diary. She flicked through it to see it was completely blank.
"It's an empty diary," Tsunade explained, "it might help with your short-term memory blip. At the very least, you can look back and see if you'd made plans the day before."
Sakura smiled at the kind thought. "Thank you."
"Now you can go away."
Sakura started to laugh. "Out of interest..."
Tsunade looked at her.
"It will just be a blip, right?"
"It is possible to get both retrograde and anterograde amnesia." Tsunade must have registered the panic on her face because she quickly added, "But it's rare and realistically should have happened before now. I think it will be a one-off."
Sakura stared at the diary in her hand. "Then why give me the book, shishou?"
"Emotional comfort."
It was incredibly comforting to have, but was it just for comfort? Did Tsunade really believe her own words? She often preached that amnesia was unpredictable. She never stated that she thought one thing or another would happen, but she didn't lie to her either about serious, medical issues. Would she? Would Tsunade say something so positively, lie, to make her feel better?
Sakura could only hope that wasn't the case, because anterograde amnesia terrified her more than any of her other problems. Tsunade likely knew that, saw that. It wouldn't be fair, but then again, amnesia wasn't either. She could only feel so sorry for the unlucky amnesiacs with issues on both ends of the memory spectrum – not that they would know or understand their mental problems.
If the Hokage wasn't going to help her plan her post-anterograde amnesia life, then they could only speculate on why she had the issue as a one-off.
"Any theories on why I'm having more memory issues now?"
The Hokage was silent for a moment. She crossed her arms over the desk and settled her with a steady gaze. "I'm a scientist. So are you. But you have always had a little more faith in faith than me. I'd like to believe that there is a fact-based reason behind your regression, but I want to believe that it's because of you mentally."
What? Now she was questioning if she was really talking to the Hokage. Ninjas could change their appearances, right? She was about to ask if she was really talking to Naruto, when the sannin continued.
"I'd like to say that it's an unconscious warning that you are straying off course. That you're not going to remember anything this way... The whole not trying phase you went through."
"So it's me not wanting to remember and my unconscious wanting to remember, is that what you think?" Sakura frowned, swapping parts with her mentor, taking her turn to say no to a plan because... to start with it gave her too much credit. She didn't believe in herself mentally. She had turned sceptical to hopeful plans over the past couple of days.
"Ino always used to say that there were two people in your head," Tsunade commented with a smile.
Sakura didn't say anything. She came here expecting the worst, expecting cruel honesty, so she couldn't buy into this explanation.
The Hokage must have seen her doubt. "Sheesh, you don't see Naruto for a few days and I become the more positive of the two of us?"
She wasn't that bad! She was just... willing to give up on a hopeful future entirely? Feared the worst? Feared the best?
"The logical reason would be that you have further brain damage that we did not originally see, or it's developed because of the damage already caused. You damaged your hippocampus, which can cause both retrograde and anterograde amnesia. However, the fact that you didn't develop anterograde amnesia straight away would deter the theory that it was so badly damaged that both retrieving and creating new memories would be impossible forever. Other parts of your brain were untouched."
That sounded more scientific and so calmed her slightly, even if it wasn't foolproof.
"Still, I see why you like to have faith in the fixable illnesses and power of the patient."
Sakura managed to hold back an eye roll. "It's easier to have faith in somebody else, not so much when it's yourself. I kept thinking 'something will trigger all my memories and they'll all come flooding back. I'll go here where this apparently happened and remember everything.' It's not happened."
"Deep down you want to remember, but on the surface you're unsure. Does that make sense?"
It made so much sense she didn't want to admit it. Of course she was unsure now. After months of living as a new entity, she was beginning to question her old one. Unbeknown to her, she could be a brand new person right now. Like Ino said, there could very well be two people within her. Her past wasn't in control anymore. She was.
On the surface, she wasn't sure if she was just afraid of her past self, or didn't want to become that again. Friends always see the positive aspects of you. They wouldn't tell her all her bad personality traits, especially considering how emotionally vulnerable she had been for so long. After everything she had been through, she just wanted life to turn out OK for everyone.
Tsunade pulled her out of her thoughts. "Remembering is an active process. If we remembered everything we would be overwhelmed. The best of medics can control functions of the body down to a neural basis. Controlling the levels of certain proteins could prevent the retention of a day."
It not only gave her too much credit, but implied she forgot her day on purpose. Given how much the experience had rattled her, the theory was crazy.
"I wouldn't want to forget a day with Naruto," she argued.
"Consciously. You're the one going on about your subconscious."
"I don't think I like my past or subconscious self. Making me forget because I was happy. Showing me scary dreams..."
Her mentor looked a little disheartened and if Sakura wasn't partly annoyed at the claim, she could have sympathised with the woman. It wasn't nice to get excited and put forward an idea only to have it shot straight down.
Tsunade lowered her voice. "Maybe it's what you need to see."
"Whose side are you on? Mine or hers?" she shot back.
Tsunade look her in the eyes. "I'm on your side, Sakura."
She didn't like that look. Her mentor was staring directly at her, if not through her, her gaze was so intense. What if she was trying to communicate with her so-called inner-self! Tsunade could be in cahoots with the enemy here.
"I'm not convinced."
Tsunade blinked in confusion.
"You could be trying to talk to inner-me!"
It would make sense that all along Tsunade was trying to turn her back into old Sakura. Surely, all her friends would prefer that if they had a choice.
"You're the same person, Sakura."
Sakura took a step back and answered defensively, "Well maybe I don't want to be. I want no part of any past cruelty or current destructive plans."
"I think that's your problem, Sakura. You're not accepting yourself. The past made you who you are today. Don't forget that."
"I might do if inner-me has her way."
Tsunade sighed heavily. "You really need to talk to Naruto. You've gone crazy."
"But he also makes me..." she trailed off.
He made her crazy in a different way, and voicing that would make her sound like she was crazy in love with him. She didn't quite mean that. She meant crazy in the sense that he confused her so much that it could literally drive her crazy if she thought too hard on the matter.
Tsunade seemed to have coined onto this, because her smirk was annoyingly wide, making Sakura's cheeks heat up at the unspoken confirmation of feelings she may have for the boy. She didn't just want to take a step back anymore; she wanted to bury her head in the ground.
Trying to cover up her embarrassment, she blurted, "Believe crazy stories. I think he could make me paranoid with conspiracy theories too."
"He grounds you, Sakura. You're the one that can make him believe anything. You barely believe a word he says."
Not recently. She had been living and breathing off his words. His affirmations relaxed her. His seemingly crazy medical knowledge prevented further anxiety. Scientifically, she didn't believe it to be true but she at least believed in his good intentions. Wasn't that better than questioning his logic? Wasn't she better than her past self?
She missed him. It hadn't even been that long but a certain energy within her was gone. A part of her positivity was waning without him. She was even turning down (and not even giving a second thought to) medical theories about her condition. She was getting annoyed at the woman who was only trying to help. Who gave her a blank diary for 'emotional comfort'.
Sakura gripped the book tighter in her hand and made a plea. "Shishou, I know you're very busy, but... I would seriously appreciate your guidance on our amnesia theories. If we could quietly make some progress, I can make everyone proud."
"I'm proud already. He's proud. Why don't you just make something up? Tell Naruto the break has made you realise things and that you can now be together again."
Sakura frowned. "What are you insinuating?"
"That you can be friends again. What were you thinking?"
The woman was smirking again. Too much.
Sakura ignored the question. "I can't lie. I want actual progress, in a positive or negative direction."
Tsunade tapped the large pile of paperwork on her desk. "Then let's get started."
The pair of them had hauled boxes and boxes of amnesia research, medical theories and textbooks into a plain office room in the Hokage Tower. They sat side by side on a desk and faced the workload ahead of them.
Tsunade told her that today she could start by reading the notes on her personal condition, and then tomorrow they could think about which theory avenues to seriously consider. It would take patience, discussion and a lot of trial and error.
It was surreal as Sakura looked over the very first piece of medical documentation on her amnesia. It was the paper on the clipboard that she had conned off Kakashi after she had woken up from her coma.
That felt like a lifetime ago.
By now, she thought this would all be over. She couldn't have imagined that she would have to go through so many strange experiences. She didn't know of Sasuke and what he was capable of. She didn't even know what she was capable of. Every nugget of positive information about her felt overwhelmingly intangible. Every negative memory repulsed her. If just the last few months felt like a lifetime, then missing ten years of experiences was unimaginable.
Time went too fast. You couldn't afford to chase it.
"Sakura," Tsunade said loudly.
Her head shot up. She had been ignoring her mentor for a while, so lost in thought it was like she was the only one in the room.
"Sorry, have you been talking to me?"
Tsunade smirked at her. "No, I was talking to your imaginary inner-self."
Sakura frowned at the sarcasm. "You're the one who told me that."
"I didn't mean it as literal as you're taking it. You're obviously doing things unconsciously."
Everyone did things unconsciously. It was just more significant for her. Every little thing meant more than it should do in case it was some kind of key to solving everything. Nothing majorly hopeful had happened yet. No wonder Tsunade was at the point of making up positive theories and actually helping her after so long of putting distance between them.
"If you're going to be this slow, I'm going to die before we get halfway through this research," the blonde said teasingly.
Sakura smiled apologetically. "It's just strange..."
As she went to turn over the page, her eyes settled on the word that had given her so much anxiety after waking up. Permanent? It definitely looked that way. Too much time had passed, surely. Yet here she was, still trying. Yes, she had gone through doubtful stages and even feared success, but she couldn't see herself ever truly giving up. She didn't know if that made her naive, a dreamer, or down-right mad.
Then Tsunade... She had put so much effort into this research that surrounded them with so much promise. The Hokage always told her remembering was unlikely, near impossible, yet that didn't stop her from trying so, so hard to help.
Sakura couldn't ask for any more. How lucky was she?
Overwhelmed, she put the medical report down with a shaking hand.
"I'm very grateful for all of this." he sniffed, near to tears. "Sorry, I keep getting emotional on you."
Tsunade rolled her eyes in good humour. "You've always been an emotional wreck. Go back to Naruto. He's better with tears than me."
Sakura giggled and dabbed at her wet eyes. "That's why it's fun to cry around you."
"I'm not hugging you."
Hug or not, Tsunade wasn't as bad at comforting someone as she lead others to believe. Her pushing people away had the opposite effect on Sakura. She was definitely lifting off the ban when it came to distancing herself from Tsunade. She could play it off as something she had to do – the woman was the Hokage after all, so she can't be ignored.
For once, Tsunade was openly spending time and discussing things with her too. Sakura was not going to give that up. Ever. For someone she felt like she had not long met, she almost didn't feel that way. Like Naruto, Tsunade meant a lot to her – teasing jokes, fake annoyance and all.
"Naruto would hug you," the blonde continued.
Around her friends, and when she was on her own, she really was on a constant emotional roller coaster. Up and down all the time. She wondered if something in her brain damage was making that worse.
"Are mood swings a sign of any additional problems?" she asked nervously.
Tsunade studied her in silence, taking in her obvious anxiety. "Mood swings come with being a teenager. You know, hormones."
Her lips curved upwards in amusement. She would guess that answer was more for her comfort, rather than a medical evaluation.
"Being you, you're allowed the odd emotional outburst. You have never been good at controlling yourself anyway."
Sakura couldn't help but defend herself. "I'm not that bad and I'm sure I wasn't in the past."
Tsunade pointed to the front of the room. "You have also been through that wall more than once."
Sakura glanced at the solid wall behind her and then back at her teacher. "And you say I have control issues. You're not a teenager."
"I'm not far off."
Her thought trail paused. The Hokage didn't look old at all. Sakura didn't actually know how old her mentor was. She had heard things about the woman but age was never mentioned. Calling her 'grandma' had been an insult she had plucked out of nowhere in her rage. It obviously negatively affected the woman, so maybe she wasn't as old as her experience would suggest.
"How old are you?" Sakura asked genuinely, not meaning to sound rude.
Tsunade looked at her blankly. "Twenty-seven."
That was hard to believe. It would make her barely older than her and Tsunade was the leader of the village! Sakura did the math in her head of when she met the woman.
"So you were only twenty-two when you took me on as your apprentice? That's young."
Tsunade continued to appear deadpan. "Thirty-seven."
"Oh sorry, I thought you said twenty-seven. You look young for your age."
"You have no idea."
Sakura continued to look at the woman in thought. She was probably making Tsunade uncomfortable, because the Hokage was looking everywhere but at her.
"When's your birthday?"
Tsunade looked down and began to read through a book in front of her. "Tomorrow."
Tomorrow?! But she hadn't got a present, or a card. They even planned to go through more research for the majority of the day.
"You should have told me, shishou. We could celebrate tomorrow instead if you want?"
"I don't celebrate my birthdays. I don't like getting older."
Sakura smiled. "You've achieved a lot. I think that should be celebrated. I doubt I could ever do what you have by your age."
Tsunade tapped the paperwork in front of them. "Focus."
"Sorry," she muttered before looking at the work in front of her again.
The next page contained some kind of bell curve graph of expected memory loss time. It seemed to predict that it could take up to ten years (the amount of time lost) to recall her memories. She knew that already. It also pointed to her slowly gaining back a small amount of knowledge after she woke up. That also happened. It took a little while, but her name and connections that she could remember gradually came back to her on the day she woke up.
This pile was specifically documents on her and her time in the hospital it seemed. There was a collection of other graphs that had once been very confusing to her. However now, with all the research she had done, she could understand their meanings.
Sakura stole one more glance at her mentor (inwardly hoping she wasn't mad), to find she in fact seemed to be smiling ever-so-slightly. Glad, Sakura focused once more.
Flicking through the rest of the pile, she found it was all Tsunade's notes on her. It started with everything she had said about the people she met in her hospital room, and what these people really were to her. It hurt a little to see they were all friends or colleagues. She had just judged them off their appearances and gotten increasingly cranky and tired of the experiment.
There was a lot on her mother, notes on her feelings about Sasuke and then her relationship with Ino. All it said for Naruto was "feelings unchanged". There were pages and pages of reports from other people's observations.
"Did you mean to give this to me?" Sakura asked. "It's your notes."
Tsunade hummed her affirmation.
Sakura continued to read. "You spied on me so much... I had a right to get angry."
"Try and be objective. Look at it as if it's someone else."
Sakura nodded. She would try but it was so hard because she recalled everything written down before her. Doing the opposite of what was suggested, she reached for a pen and began to add extra notes to the pages. She listed how she felt about each incident and got a little too emotionally invested when it came to what happened with Sasuke and nearly losing, but saving, Naruto.
Sakura was surprised that 'healing while unconscious' was not the first hard-to-imagine theory that Tsunade had written down. Even though the sannin struggled to believe, and even openly disagreed with her theories, she hadn't missed a single one out. There were notes on dreams and even asterisks to look at other research.
There were pages of little mind games that had been played on her. Her behaviour when Naruto was there and when he was sent away was noted frequently. The relationship of danger and her ability to control chakra and remember the past was catalogued and then disproved.
On the other hand, healing in her sleep was proved. This progressed to controlling chakra when she was awake and seemed like an exciting development. Tsunade also noted how dangerous it could be and that it needed to be monitored closely. It looked like Tsunade had gathered research on different approaches of activating and controlling chakra, with a few scratchy theories on reverse learning and its effectiveness.
At this point in the notes, the hand writing got messier as if it was scribbled quickly to get all the information and theories down. This happened at several other places in the notes and Sakura tried to guess her mentor's thought process every time it changed.
In the beginning, any notes on her mother seemed to be written quite heavily and Sakura could guess that there was definitely some frustration there. However, later on, it detailed a discussion on how they could both help her, at home and at work, and the sorts of things to look out for. Tsunade had suggested several books for her mum to go home and read.
For the first time, Sakura had insight into all of the thoughts that Tsunade, family and her friends had hidden from her. She could see everything from their point of view. Tsunade obviously trusted her and respected her enough to read through it all.
It was the right time for her to see it. Tsunade had withheld it for so long and it was probably a good thing. This was something she needed to be ready to see and she needed to be sure that this was the path she wanted to go down. Otherwise, these notes on anterograde amnesia, the failed picture experiment and the notes on her decision to distance herself from everyone... It would have hurt to read.
It still did, a little bit.
The notes got slightly barer at this point too. There were some notes from Shizune, Sakura noticed because of the hand writing that she had seen on the board when they looked into toxicology, but Tsunade's theories seemed to lessen. They were written incredibly neatly, like they took a long time to write.
Tsunade must have glanced to see where she was up to. "I didn't see you much and you wanted some space. I tried to get less involved in the last couple of weeks. The last few sets of notes are a little behind."
Imagine if she never wanted to see Tsunade's notes after all the effort that had been put into them... She probably hurt Tsunade too when she said she didn't want to see her friends and when she showed less and less interest in remembering the past.
What was missing, unlike the notes on her relationship with everyone else she came into contact with, was comments on their relationship. That should be a big part of it, right? Or was it just not objective for Tsunade to write about herself much? When the sannin did refer to herself, it was in the third person and it was brief.
The last page of the notes was fairly blank. At the top, all it said was "Tsunade to get more involved?"
It was the neatest written thing in the entire report.
Sakura stared at the page for a moment before writing underneath:
"Yes please."
Author Notes:
As always, I had a lot more I wanted to get into this chapter but I cut it here for word length purposes. I didn't expect to end it at this point. Yet again, I say that but each chapter always develops into something else entirely when I write it.
Science confirmed earlier this year that forgetting is an 'active process' and not a passive one. That we actively regulate what we remember and what we forget. Otherwise our brains would be overwhelmed with all the incoming information. I found you can actually get anterograde and retrograde amnesia at the same time too. Ouch.
Chapter 20 next! There will be more Tsunade bonding, family bonding and we'll see if we get on to Naruto making an appearance or not. Your guess is as good as mine. Ino and Tsunade are pushing his name into conversations and Sakura doesn't even need that push to think about him, so we might at least get her serious thoughts on her relationship with him soon.
Side note: I understand about not trying to include too much depressing angst. There will be ups and downs and I think last chapter may be the low point of the entire story. Sakura is beginning to look at her amnesia in a different light. She's being logical, if not sceptical, and she's almost seeing herself and her past self as two separate people. I think it would be hard not to. After a while, you would have some kind of identity and your own thoughts, even if you couldn't remember the past and what you used to be like. What do you think?
I spent about 6 hours finishing this chapter off tonight (and that was only writing about 2200 words, adding little bits to the rest of the chapter and getting it ready to upload - ouch) and I have some things to sort out for work tomorrow. This is much more fun (and more important?!).
Thank you to old and new readers, for your feedback, in both PMs and reviews (thank you also to all of the ones I can't respond to due to settings or being anonymous). It's always appreciated.
Thanks for your patience and for reading.