Author's note: Sorry for taking a bit longer to update. I didn't do it for the dramatic effect but because I had a lot of work and wanted to have enough time to think (and feel) this chapter through. I hope you'll enjoy it. Tell me in the review what you thought of it. Updates should be quicker during the weekend. Have fun!
Taking off her jacket and tossing it over the nearest chair, the smell of freshly cooked pasta in her nose, Jane felt like she was finally coming home after a very long and stressful day at work. Maura, still wearing an apron over a black and white block dress that Jane had never seen before, told Jane to get comfortable as she was still adding the finishing touches to what would certainly turn out to be a delicious meal. Awkwardly, Jane sat down on the couch as she had done a million times before and looked around. Maura was still Maura and her house was still her house, warm and welcoming as always and yet everything felt different tonight; hell, even Jane felt different tonight. "Are you sure there's nothing I can help you with?"
"I told you I'd make dinner for you so you just relax. I'm almost done anyways", Maua pointed at her already perfectly set dining table while simultaneously trying to open the bottle of Chardonnay. Then, a couple of minutes later, the apron gone: "Dinner is ready!" Maura smiled almost shyly as she motioned Jane to sit down across from her, and even pulled out the chair for her. "You love so many different dishes that the final choice was between burgers, pizza and any kind of pasta, really. In the end, I went with ravioli with a sausage and cheese filling and tomato sauce. I hope you'll like it."
While pizza or burgers would have made her equally happy, Maura's choice had been nothing short of perfect. Ravioli reminded her of her childhood, of home, and it felt like a very intimate dish to cook for her; Maura truly knew her better than anyone else. "Thanks, Maura. I love it already. Are you sure your palate will survive something as… barbaric as sausage and cheese?" Jane laughed as she started eating. Maura's homemade ravioli tasted like heaven.
Maura joined her in her laugh and for a moment, it was like the old Jane and Maura were back und reunited at last. The point of their meeting, however, was to discuss how the dynamic of their friendship had changed, and both women seemed to be acutely aware of it. "I think my palate and I could survive anything for you, so don't worry about me", Maura finally answered, rather seriously. Jane suspected Maura was already talking about something more than ravioli, and the thought of their inevitable conversation suddenly terrified her.
During dinner, none of the two dared to be the first one to speak and so, the only thing that was being exchanged were secret glances over candlelight. Was it Jane's paranoia or did Maura seem just as nervous as she herself felt? After finishing their meal (their seconds, in Jane's case), their eyes finally met and Maura smiled warmly at her friend: "Do you want your dessert right now, or was the second plate of ravioli maybe a bit much even for you?"
"I think you must have missed an anatomy lesson back in med school, Dr. Isles. It's actually widely known that every human being possesses two stomachs: one for regular food, and a second, smaller one for dessert. So, bring it!" Jane laughed and dramatically rubbed her tummy.
"Alright. Let's move to the couch, though. It's more comfortable, don't you think?" Maura said as she was heading back into her open kitchen, "And don't forget the wine".
When Maura returned with various bowls of fruit – grapes, pieces of banana, strawberries – and a fondue set, Jane saw all her chocolate-y dreams fulfilled: "Oh my god, Maura. You read my mind. This is perfect."
"It is, isn't it? I felt like our bodies could need a few vitamins after the heavy ravioli and the chocolate… well, let's say I know you better than to just offer you fruit as a reward for great police work", Maura explained as she lit the candle under the fondue. Waiting for the chocolate to slowly melt, she raised her glass of wine and smiled at her friend: "Thank you for coming over tonight, Jane. I know that cooking you one meal can't possibly make up for the way I have treated you for the past month or so but I certainly hope it's a start. Please forgive me for ignoring you, for my desperate attempt to cut you out of my life. I didn't know what else to do but I know now that I behaved horribly and like a stupid child. I couldn't verbalize what I was feeling after you jumped off the bridge even though I quickly realized what it was. And let's be honest, I am rather happy that you figured it out on your own and still want to be in touch with me. I was so afraid you would turn your back on me."
For a moment, Jane didn't – couldn't – respond and shifted on the couch, now facing Maura directly. Of course the moment of truth had to come eventually. What if she was wrong, after all? Maybe Maura was talking about entirely different feelings? There was only one way to find out. "Maura, the past month has been absolute hell for me. I was always aware of and absolutely thankful for how special our friendship was but I felt like I never really appreciated it until it was gone. I wanted to talk to you every single day; I wanted to come over here and just hug you and be part of your life again. I think it's safe to say that I have never suffered like this before in my life. The worst part was that, for the longest time, I simply couldn't understand what had actually happened. We have always talked about everything and then suddenly, you cut me out of everything, without so much as a single word. I think I understand now, at least to a certain degree. And yet, I am still not sure. Please explain what happened to us, Maura."
"What do you think happened, Jane?" Maura asked, barely audible, and took a sip of Chardonnay.
Jane stared at her hands, her scars always a visible reminder of how close she'd come to dying before: "I think that your feelings towards me changed when you saw me jump to what you had to assume was my certain death. I think that the thought of having lost me made you realize that your feelings for me were no longer of a platonic nature. I think that… you might have fallen in love with me and didn't know how to handle it. As you just said, you might have been afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle your feelings, that I would no longer want you in my life. The point is, though, that I will always want you in my life, Maura. I cannot imagine it without you, and that is why your behavior hurt me so much. How could you really think that I would abandon you?"
Maura placed her glass on the table, and took Jane's hand in both of hers, gently running her thumb over the scar Hoyt had left behind: "The point is, Jane, that in hindsight, I am pretty sure I always loved you. I fell in love with you as soon as I walked into the Division One Café and saw you in your horrendous outfit and you called me 'sister' for trying to be supportive of your work as a prostitute. I suppressed it, subconsciously decided to push away the romantic nature of my feelings and instead, built a wonderful friendship with you over the years. I had been so alone for most of my life, I didn't know what love, what friendship really was and so, both concepts became rather blurred. I feared for your life when Hoyt was after you; I feared for your life when you shot yourself; I feared for your life when you jumped off the bridge. But it wasn't until that night that I finally realized and started to see clearly; the concepts are no longer blurred and I know now what I want. I love you, Jane. Not as a 'sister' but as the courageous, strong and beautiful woman that you are. I don't want to simply hug you, I want to hold you; I want to kiss you. I want to be your family and I want you to be mine. For the first time in my life, I feel like nothing is missing. I have found what I have been searching for in all my previous relationships, and it took me so long to realize it. I stopped talking to you not because I couldn't handle you risking your life on the job – I know that it's an essential part of your work and, even though I hate being afraid for your well-being, I get it – but because I was too afraid of telling you how I felt and of you telling me that the lines were never blurred for you. I want a relationship with you, Jane, not a friendship, and I am scared because I feel like you won't be able to give me what I want." By the end of her explanation, Maura was crying and helplessly staring down at their intertwined hands.
Before Maura could withdraw her hands, Jane quickly grabbed them and wouldn't have let go of them for anything in the world. So it was true after all; her best friend was in love with her and apparently had been for a long time. If it hadn't been for Judith, Jane might never have understood what was going on but now that she did, she was unsure of what to feel or even say. Their friendship had always been special, had always been much closer than a regular one. And yes, she would have given her life for Maura without a doubt. She loved her more than anything in the world… but wasn't that what the relationship with your best friend was supposed to be like? Or had the lines been blurred for her, too, without realizing it? Jane took a moment to study Maura's face; yes, she had always considered it to be the most beautiful face she had ever seen, and not from a perspective of jealousy. Being around Maura, working with her, even simple things like watching a movie together, had always made her happy. With Maura, she always felt comfortable and at home. Did all of this turn her into a lesbian? Or was she simply being a good friend? According to Judith, the answer was no. She had explained to her that sexuality was fluid and that sometimes, a person wasn't only one thing or the other but simply in love. Was she? In love? Could she imagine the things that Maura was talking about? Holding her, kissing her? Holding her hands, for starters, didn't make her uncomfortable and her heart was breaking at watching Maura cry because of her. She pulled Maura closer to her and into a hug, Maura's tears feeling wet and warm on her collarbone. For a moment, they just sat there like this and Jane, gently stroking Maura's hair, tried desperately to come up with the right words: "Maura, I… am very confused by everything. I have dated men all my life; hell, I was about to marry one for a second there. I just… I have never thought of women in the way that you are thinking about me and I never expected any of this until my case sort of broadened my horizon. I have never seen myself in this position, never thought of something like that as possible in my life. And yet, here we are and all I know is that you're special to me, Maura. Everything else is, indeed, a blur right now." Hugging her, being this close to her right after she'd confessed her love, smelling her and feeling her warmth – none of it scared Jane and yet the thought of taking it a step further and, for example, kiss Maura was so strange to her she couldn't even really think it through. Did that necessarily mean she didn't want to?
"It's okay, Jane. I understand and I'm so sorry for overwhelming you. You don't have to say anything now; I just wanted you to know what I feel and want so that maybe you can think about it. And if it turns out that all you can give me is friendship then we'll figure it out. Maybe someday it could be possible for me to truly be your friend", Maura mumbled into Jane's T-Shirt.
The only thing Jane was absolutely sure of was that she couldn't imagine a life without Maura. She leaned back and lifted Maura's head with her hand, brown eyes locking with hazel ones: "Please don't cry, Maura. All I know is that you are the most important thing in my entire life. And I never want to lose you again." Suddenly, she realized that her hand was shaking, that her goosebumps were back once again and that she had no reason to be afraid. It was Maura she was holding, after all.
And just as her brain seemed to switch off and her body leaned in closer to Maura, lips searching for lips, the front door flew open and an all too familiar voice greeted them: "Maura, it smells delicious in here; what have you been cooking?"