Jane jumped up from the couch so quickly she hit her knee on the coffee table: "Ma, hi! We're having chocolate fondue. Want some?" In order to underline how true her statement was, she grabbed a big strawberry, dipped it in chocolate and stuffed it in her mouth in its entirety. Jane could feel Maura's eyes on her but she avoided to look at her in any way possible as she practically sprinted towards her mother and hugged her.
"Janie, what are you doing here?" Angela looked from her daughter to Maura, who was still sitting on the couch, and back. "Does that mean you two ladies finally made up from whatever it was that was keeping you apart? God, I'm so glad you two are friends again!" She hugged her daughter again, enthusiastically walked over to the couch and simply grabbed Maura to plant a kiss on both of her cheeks.
Not only had they made up but almost made out as well and, now that the moment was over, Jane had no idea how she could have gotten so dangerously close to kissing Maura. That's what was happening, right? Had Maura even realized what was about to ensue? It had only been a minute ago but it already seemed a million miles away. It had to have been a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, she had been confused by Maura's confession, and by her body so close to hers. Kissing Maura? The idea seemed insane to her now; no matter what Judith had explained to her about love and sexuality, she couldn't possibly be desiring another woman. What would her mother say? Her brothers? Korsak and the others at work? How could anybody possibly understand if Jane suddenly brought a woman to the Dirty Robber and introduced her as her girlfriend? Well, not any woman. Maura; but still. She simply couldn't even begin to picture it.
"Janie? Are you day-dreaming? I asked you to bring me a plate so I can enjoy the chocolate fondue without messing up Maura's couch", Angela sat down next to Maura and immediately dipped a grape in chocolate.
Helplessly and almost as if in trance, Jane walked into the kitchen and grabbed a plate for her mother, unsure if she was happy or upset that she'd shown up when she'd shown up. Angela taking up half the couch, Maura moved over as far as she could and motioned Jane to sit back down with her, their bodies practically touching from shoulders to feet. The sudden renewed closeness to Maura and the awkwardness of the presence of her mother didn't help with Jane's confusion and she could barely stand being in the same room with her friend. She managed to force a couple of strawberries down before she jumped up from the couch again, unable to stand Angela's small talk even for another second: "I'm sorry, Maura. I just realized that I forgot to walk Jo Friday before I came over for dinner and she must be very desperate by now. Ma, have fun with the chocolate fondue, it's very delicious. Thanks for dinner, Maura."
Jane was already grabbing her jacket and had to stop herself from running out like a maniac, when Maura got up and insisted on walking her out. Angela, oblivious to everything, merely waved at her daughter before returning to the chocolate in front of her.
"Jane, wait", Maura said desperately as she closed the front door behind them, "please don't leave like this. I had no idea that your mother would be home tonight; I should have locked the door." Apparently, she had realized what Jane had come so dangerously close to doing.
"It's not your fault, Maura. But I really do have to go home now. My head is spinning and I barely know who I am and what I want any more. Even though I had about a day to think about your feelings for me before I heard it from you after dinner, it's all happened so very fast and it's all so very new. I don't know what to think any more and I just feel like I need to go home and be alone. I'm sorry if I ruined the chocolate fondue, I really could have enjoyed it. I just… can't now." Jane was halfway at her car, when Maura grabbed her arm and pulled her into an embrace.
"I'm sorry for everything, Jane. But I'm also happy that you know now. I truly enjoyed our dinner tonight and the conversation we had. I'm extremely terrified of losing you and you holding me was so very soothing. I'm sorry if my feelings are scaring you; feelings can be scary sometimes but they can also be the most beautiful thing on earth." Maura let go of her and lightly touched Jane's cheek, brushing an especially rebellious lock of black her out of her face: "Good night, Jane." And with that, Maura turned around and went back inside, leaving Jane and her confusing thoughts all alone.
Unsure whether her spinning head was exclusively to Maura's existence or to the two glasses of wine they had enjoyed over dinner, Jane climbed into the driver's seat to disappear from Maura's sight and sighed as she pulled out her phone to call a cab. For the majority of the time, the dinner had gone exactly the way that could be expected; until that split second on the couch. The old Jane would have attributed it to temporary insanity and pushed it as far away as possible; the new Jane – at least there seemed to be a new version of herself – felt overwhelmed, weak and in desperate need to process her feelings. When exactly had she turned into this person with an overflow of feelings and confusion? In the past, she would have gone to Maura to reluctantly verbalize what she was feeling and solve her problems with the help of her best friend. Now that Maura was the source of her confusion, there was nobody to talk to, nobody she felt safe enough with to let her weak side show through. Actually, that was not one hundred percent true. 'Hey Judith, I hope I am not waking you up. I think I need to talk to someone. Sorry for bothering you at night yet again', sending a text seemed both less desperate and less intrusive to Jane; a text could easily be ignored – but it wasn't. Judith sent her address and told her she could show up any time.
When the cab finally pulled into Maura's driveway, Jane jumped out of her car and into the cab, too afraid to look back at Maura's living room window. After giving the driver Judith's address she sent another text; this one to Maura herself: 'Decided not to drive tonight. Leaving my car at your place. Will pick it up tomorrow. I'm sorry, Maura. Jane'.
Dressed in sweatpants, and old T-Shirt and a robe, Judith opened the door and led Jane into a small but cozy living room, various moving boxes waiting to be unpacked on the floor: "I'm sorry for both my appearance and the chaos in here. I just moved in last week and haven't gotten around to unpacking yet. Please sit down. Would you like a drink?"
"Don't worry, Judith. It's incredibly rude of me to waltz in here in the middle of the night and I'm really sorry. I probably shouldn't have come but…", Jane sat down on the couch and felt completely lost, "uh, maybe some water. I don't think I should be drinking any more alcohol; I am light-headed enough as it is."
When Judith sat down on the couch across from her, handed her a bottle of water and looked at her compassionately, Jane briefly felt reminded of her annoying and boring mandated therapy sessions after both Hoyt and the incident where she shot herself. The difference, however, was that she wasn't about to talk to a pencil-pushing stranger but to someone she hoped would become a friend, and that this time, she actually felt the need to share her feelings; even though she had absolutely zero practice in doing so. How did one even start such a monologue? Hallo, I am Jane and I would like to talk about how my best friend is in love with me and I have no idea what to do. Yeah no, that sounded like she had joined a Socially Awkward Anonymous meeting. Just when her mind started to wander off and wonder how awkward such hypothetical SAA meetings would be for all its participants, she forced herself back into the present and cleared her throat: "Thanks again for letting me come here. I, uh, went over to Maura's for dinner and we talked a lot. And, uh, I guess I'm confused now and you have been so helpful these past couple of days that I was hoping that, uh, you might have some advice. Maybe. You know?"
"Absolutely, Jane. I'm here for you. You can tell me whatever you like, and I will try my best to be helpful", Judith said and laughed at Jane's surprise when one of her cats showed up out of nowhere and jumped on Jane's lap.
"Uh, okay. Hi there", She waited until the cat (Sherlock, according to Judith) did the typical cat choreography of three turns until the most comfortable position to sleep in Jane's lap was reached, "let me guess, the other one's called Watson." (Yes.) "So, yes. I went to Maura's house and, as it turned out, she'd cooked me my favorite childhood dinner and we had a really nice time. After dinner, we had dessert and started talking. She asked me what I thought had been going on with her since I jumped off the bridge and I told her about the conclusion I had reached with your help. And yes, she confirmed it. She told me that she is in love with me and that she wants to be in a relationship with me. She was very emotional and cried; I could feel her pain and it broke my heart to see her like this. So I kind of hugged her, tried to comfort her and we sat there like that for a long time. And yeah, I'm so confused and I don't even know why." Jane omitted the almost-kiss even though it was probably the event that needed most processing.
"That's absolutely understandable, though. Anyone would be confused after such a confession. After all, even though you figured it out yesterday, it came as an absolute surprise after what I understand have been many years of friendship. I can imagine that you were, and are, feeling a whole array of emotions and I will do my best to help you sort through them. If that's what you want, I mean." In a parallel universe, Jane thought, Judith could easily have been a top-notch psychologist.
"Uh, I'm pretty new to this emotion stuff. I usually try to avoid talking about feelings but Maura's too important to keep doing this, I think. So, yes. Please. I know for sure that I was nervous as hell, but that's probably not an emotion, huh?" Jane mumbled and tried to win time by petting the cat. "Apart from that, I have no idea."
"Well, fear is definitely an emotion. So, I guess nervousness might count, too. Did you feel sad after Maura confessed her love to you, for example?"
Jane stared down at the cat for a moment, then merely shrugged: "Sad? No, I don't think so. I mean, I was sad that she chose to ignore me for a month, sad that she thought I would abandon her if I knew about her feelings for me. But no, I wasn't sad about her confession. As long as she is part of my life, I don't think I can ever be sad because of her."
"Okay, good. Were you scared? Were you happy? And, frankly, can you at all imagine to want the same things as Maura? A romantic relationship with her?" Judith seemed to cut to the chase.
"I, uh. I wasn't scared until the… end and I honestly don't know if I was happy. I think I realized that our friendship is definitely over now, maybe forever. Everything has changed. If I'm honest with you, I did start to think about what my family and our colleagues would say if Maura and I… you know. And I just don't think I could do this. I don't think I'm gay, you know."
Judith nodded slowly and petted Watson, who had found his way to the couch as well. "Well, I know I am repeating myself but you don't have to be gay just because you're in love with one woman. Actually, you can be whatever you want. That's the beauty of being a free, thinking human being. Jane, what happened in the end? What scared you?" In this universe, Judith was obviously a top-notch detective, never missing the smallest detail.
"Uh. While we were sitting on the couch and Maura was crying, as I said, I held and comforted her. And then… goddamnit… I have no idea why, but I almost kissed her. I really would have if it hadn't been for my mother walking in in the worst possible moment." Jane could barely look at her colleague – why did she feel so ashamed?
Judith seemed genuinely surprised, trying to mask it by smiling warmly at Jane: "Wow, that certainly speaks louder than any words, I believe. You're saying you don't know why you went for the kiss but you also just called your mother's appearance the worst possible moment. So, at least to me, it kind of sounds like you really wanted to kiss Maura. Did you?"
Jane remained silent and finally raised her head and looked into Judith's eyes for the first time since she'd sat down on the couch of emotion-sharing, nodding: "Yes, I think I really did. I don't know what it all means, what it would mean for Maura and me. But I felt a wave of desire and, my head shut off for once in my life, I acted on it – well, almost."
"Then, I believe, there's only one question left: Do you still want to kiss her, Jane?" When Jane nodded helplessly in affirmation, Judith grinned and clapped her hands enthusiastically: "You don't have to know what it means for your future yet. Just enjoy what you're feeling and do what you feel like, as long as it doesn't hurt either one of you two. So, in the words of Sebastian, the crab – go on and kiss the girl!"
Judith was right. She was in a situation unlike anything she'd ever experienced and not having all the answers was absolutely alright. She wanted to kiss Maura back on the couch and yes, even though she was terrified, she still wanted to. Forgetting all about the cat in her lap, Jane jumped up and was halfway out the door when she realized she had no means of transportation: "Damn it. I had wine at dinner, so I took a cab over here and left my car at Maura's. I'll have to call another one."
Judith, however, had already jumped up, too, and grabbed her coat and keys: "Nonsense, I'll drive you. Amor reporting to duty. My wings are hidden under my bath robe, you know. Let's go."