"Saving people? That's such a silly excuse," said a white voice.
Dark groaned, his head swirling as he wondered why he thought that a voice could have a color. Much less white. And yet, he felt like it did.
Dark opened his eyes, and found himself lying on the pristine white floor of a completely white room with fountains of clear transparent water flowing all around. He sat up and looked at the pillars with water flowing through them. He realized he was on the moon.
He laid back down with a groan.
"I'd better not be really in the moon, you know," he said, his voice echoing across the bare white walls.
"If I hadn't brought you here, you would have been so hurt that the hero would drag you with him to death," said Oni's disembodied voice.
But Dark knew that was bullshit, because he could have taken them anywhere in the world. Anywhere.
He hopped up on his feet. He felt light, like he could breathe and start floating off. Nearby, he saw a large bed with a fluffy white comforter, and something small and golden in it. He took a couple cautious steps towards the bed, not wanting to get too close.
It was Zelda. A tiny Zelda, no more than five years old. It took a couple of shocked moments for Dark to process what he was seeing.
"W-What?" he said, taking a step backwards.
And then Oni was there, standing next to him. A white figure, reminiscing of the vessel he used on earth, and yet completely different. He looked like Link. Like a tall, broader Link with white hair and skin and eyes. There wasn't a single spot color on him.
"I have projected this form so that you could be more familiar with me," said Oni, but he didn't move his mouth. His voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
"Can you stop that thing?" asked Dark, feeling a shiver go down his back. "It's creepy. Talk with your mouth like a normal person."
Oni lifted an eyebrow. "I forget how important these details are for you mortals."
"And I keep forgetting you're a god," said Dark, then he turned to Zelda, who slept peacefully on the bed. "And that…why did you do that to her?"
"I did nothing to her. Because she is Nayru's vessel, I could not bring her here, and I could not save her body. Farore is making her a new one now, and she left what was left of her spirit here," said Oni.
Dark gasped. "What was left? Shit, what did Nayru do to her?"
"She tried to burn her out. A normal mortal's body would burn faster than their spirit. But because they were chosen to be the vessels for the Goddesses', they were designed so that their bodies would not burn away. Their spirits though, were just like any other mortal's, and sustained heavy damage from the direct contact with their divine power. This one more than the others," said Oni, pointing at Zelda. "Because she fought against Nayru. Her spirit should have been destroyed, but she was stronger than expected."
"So Farore just grabbed her spirit and dropped her off at your house like nothing while she patched her a new body?" said Dark, trying to not sound hysterical.
"She pacified Nayru after I defeated her, and sent the princess' spirit here after I brought you with me when I was forced to leave the earth. Farore commands life, but even she cannot go against the law. Once the gates of death have been crossed, you cannot live again. She had to separate the princess from her body before she died."
"But the sages-"
"The spirits of the sages have been absorbed by the temples, so they have not and will never, be able to cross the gates of death. Nayru almost sent the shadow sage to the death world, but she didn't change her laws, so the shadow sage must be recovering at the temple."
"Oh. That's good I guess. What happened to Link? I mean, you tell me he's alive because so am I but I hope he's not lying in a ditch somewhere, because then he's gonna whine about it for fucking forever," said Dark, going through all the events in his mind. "Wait. What happened to Sheik? Where is he? Get me back to earth. That crack between timelines is still there and Sheik's gonna do something really stupid, I just know it."
Oni narrowed his eyes at him. "Sheik fixed the barrier. It is up and the timelines are blocked from one another again."
"Nooo!" yelled Dark, and hit Oni's chest. "Fuck, why didn't you stop him?!"
Oni took a very deep, and very unnecessary breath. "Why do you care about him? It is Link who is in love with him."
"What the hell are you even talking about? I'm Link too. I love him too, of course I fucking care, you jackass!"
Oni glared down at him. "Really? You do love him?" he asked.
Dark blinked, and suddenly Sheik was in front of him. All dirty hair and mask half falling off. He stepped closer and draped his arms around Dark's neck. His skin felt warm, his breath smelled of that odd cinnamon scent that always seemed to float around him, and even his hair tickled Dark's nose.
"No, don't do this you bastard," complained Dark, trying to push him away, while his little pretence of a heart started pumping pure disgust. "I know this isn't him."
"This is him," said Sheik's image, with his exact same voice. His face too close to Dark. "And you are not in love with him. You are in love with the idea of being Link, who is in love with him."
"I'm not," said Dark through gritted teeth.
"I have brought him here for you," said a white voice, echoing through the empty white space around them.
"Liar. You did not. He would never do this," said Dark.
Sheik grabbed his face, and gave him a cold smirk. "Ahh, you're disgusted. You see? Why do you try so hard to like mortals like this, when they repulse you so?"
"Stop this, because I'm about to start being repulsed by your lying jerk ass too," said Dark.
Sheik chuckled. Then he blinked, and disappeared.
"You have got to stop doing freaky god shit like that. Now, when are we going back to the world?" asked Dark.
"Zelda will go back when Farore completes the new body she needs to live in," said Oni's voice from behind Dark.
Dark whirled around, and found Oni sitting next to one of the pools of crystalline water.
"As for you," continued Oni, keeping his gaze on the water, even as Dark sat down next to him. "I haven't yet decided."
"What does that even mean?" asked Dark.
He didn't like how weird Oni was acting. He much preferred him as a bulky and obtuse guy who stumbled to not hit his head on low ceilings, not like this almost omnipotent jerk who seemed to look down on them.
"It means that I want to keep you. It means that despite the fact that I know that you can't ever possibly love Sheik the way the hero loves him, I still despise how desperately you wish you did," said Oni, turning to look at Dark with his completely white eyes that seemed capable of looking right into the bottom of Dark's fake heart. "It means that even though I don't have a vessel with the capacity to feel anything for you, I still do."
They stayed in silence for a few moments, as the words paled and faded into the whiteness around them.
"How?" asked Dark. "How can you feel anything for anyone?"
"The same way you do," said Oni, with his mouth curning slightly into a smirk. "With your everything. Beings like us…We feel with everything we are, because we don't have a soul, or a heart that connects to it."
"But like…how does it feel?"
Oni hummed for a moment. "In terms that you could understand…It would be like envisioning your existence as the center of my focus. Forever. And being happy with it."
Dark nodded, and let his head fall on Oni's shoulder. "That's not very romantic."
"Romance is a very mortal thing. Us? We exist. And I want to exist with you. It's an annoying thing. I haven't wanted anything since before Nayru desired first. If I ever desired something, it was the return to the start of our existence. I suppose I understand Nayru now."
"Please tell me that you're not going to go crazy like her," said Dark with a playful tone.
"I won't. You are a considerably more innocent thing to desire."
"Uhuh. Look, I'm not a thing. That's one of the things we gotta keep straight since now. I'm a person. And you can't keep me, like some kind of cat. But I like what you said," Dark grabbed Oni's hand, entwining their fingers. "About just being. Together."