I've been meaning to write down into words exactly what I meant to say by writing Living With Myself.
It has a very special place in my heart because even though a long time passed (8 years? 8 years!), I never truly gave up on it and I always wanted to finish it. I think it started because I wanted a story where Dark could be the counterpart and companion to Link. I wanted them to be together in a very close way, but not in a particularly romantic way. I wanted them to be companions who understand and accompany each other. Their relationship is one of complementing each other, but at the same time remaining their own person, with their own problems to overcome and their own journey to travel.
Link's journey was that of truly accepting who he was and of dealing with a constant sense of loss that follows him always. Loss for the parents he never knew, loss for the peaceful life he never had, for the seven years of growth that he could never get back despite being able to live them again. His character is one that shields himself by erasing himself. He dealt with his loss and his loneliness by ceasing to be "Link" and turning into "The Hero of Time", an icon without a personality or feelings of his own. He refers to this act of self obliteration a few times throughout the story, in some small ways and in a few big ones. "I wanted the goddesses to replace me with a hero" he says this because he sees himself as a useless attachment to the "Hero" title that is what everybody seems to want from him. What Sheik seemed to want from him. And as Sheik realizes the full extent of the damage he caused in him, he is full of guilt and regret. Both of which he sadly has little time to deal with, as the destruction of the timelines approaches.
I love to view Link in this way. As a very human guy, with very human emotions, and desires and even traumas that he has to deal with. This is not me ukeifying him, though. He is not weak because of these feelings and fears. And a very important point of this story is that he is strong BECAUSE of these feelings and fears. I wanted to make a point that he IS strong every single time he feels at his weakest. That he is courageous when he is most afraid.
Because that is what courage is, in the end. When there is no danger, how can anyone be courageous? When you don't have to fight you don't know if you're strong. But when you feel that you cannot go on, and feel terror clawing at your heart, yet you still stand up and fight…That is courage.
In the end, that is why he was the chosen one of the Triforce of courage, because he would go on and fight, despite anything else.
Dark's journey was the opposite, although I cannot say it was something I planned. It happened fairly organically, which is a big surprise for someone who plans and designs their stories in advance as much as I do. While Link was constantly shielding himself in silence and nonexistence, Dark kept reasserting himself and his existence in the terms of Link's own. He constantly seeks ways to be more than he is. He knows he'll never be ca human, but accepts it only after having exhausted any other possibility. And even then, he decides he can be satisfied by a mere pretence of humanity. He thinks he can live a lie because he sees himself as a lie. Because this is what Ganondorf made him feel like. A fake. A badly made copy. He shields himself in lies and constant, useless chatter. A constant "I'm here! Acknowledge me!" over and over again.
And yet, despite their opposing personalities and personal journeys, they are very alike at the core. When Dark is at his worst, having been beaten again by the person he most fears in the world, and being left behind by Oni, who in his attempt to keep him safe only ended up making him feel more useless. (Oni relates to everything as things, and so when he realizes he desires Dark, he doesn't know how to love him as a person, instead ending up loving him as a treasure that must be hidden and protected.) Thus in the end, making Dark feel like less of a person, with his own strength. And yet at that moment, beaten, defenseless and terrified, when Impa asks him to go to where Ganondorf is and save Sheik, there is no doubt in his heart that he'll go on and fight, no matter how scared and weak. This is because at his core, his nature is just as heroic as Link's, and even more compassionate. Because there is nothing for him in victory. There is no glory for shadows, Sheik doesn't love him, and there is no way he can put up a fight against Ganondorf. But he goes anyway. Because that is the right thing to do.
In the end, they are simply two sides of the same coin. As for Oni, I think he's the character that got the most backstory in the fic. And yet, I feel like he was also the character that I didn't manage to accurately portray. And that might have been because he was a mess of misunderstood feelings and an inability to relate to mortals. Or it might have been my own failure as a writer.
After all, every story is the failure of a great idea. If I'd had more time, I think I would have liked to explore a few other things, like what happened between Link and Sheik in the war. Or Zelda's relationship with Impa and Sheik, and how she felt about Impa and her Father. Dark and Oni's relationship too, is one where I hover between feeling that it's fine as it is, and wishing I had developed it more. All of these are things that I wish I had explored more carefully. But then, if I had kept working on the story and trying to add more things to it, I'm absolutely certain that it would have never been finished. Although perhaps maybe later, when I have more time, I might write a sequel to this story where I explore all those things.
Zelda in particular is a character that I don't think I was fair to. I think I failed her as a writer in the sense that I didn't manage to accurately portray her complexity. Her defining trait of course is rationality, along with discipline. She is the rock among the storm of suffering. Unlike Link, she doesn't try to become something different because she knows that she has to be who she is, otherwise everything falls apart. She has to be strong when her mother dies. She has to rely on Impa despite her desire to be angry at her for falling in love with her father. Among all the other characters I think she is the most selfless. She sacrifices everything, she endures everything, condemning herself to a life full of guilt and loneliness because as the princess and then the queen, she knows that her life is one of service and protection. Even when Nayru starts destroying her from the inside, she cannot destroy the core of who Zelda is: A fighter. In a way I think Zelda is the true opposite of Link. While he is a being of emotion, unable to let go of those he loves while at the same time self destroying; Zelda is true rationality, willing to let go of everything yet still remaining herself despite the losses.
This was a bit longer than I expected. Sorry, I guess I had more to say than I thought I did. If you are still here, thank you so much for following this story to the end. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I would love to know your comments about it.