The elevators in the training center aren't like the ones at home. For starters here there are more than eight, back at home there are only two, one of them is in the Justice Hall, and I've rode it twice, first when I was eleven years old and awarded the Medal of Honor. I can still remember the weight of the cold metal in my hands, as if a heavy circle of fake gold would in any way compensate the loss of my father. The second time was just a week ago -was it really just a week ago?- when I volunteered and had to wait in the room with the velvet sofa to say my goodbyes. The other elevator I've rode eleven times, it is the one in the mines. As a part of our formation the students in District 12 take a visit to the mines once a year, when I was younger it was unpleasant but I still got to see my father there, who faked a smile in his tired and coal dust covered face, ever since he was blown to bits riding that elevator made my stomach twist and I felt as if I was going to explode myself.
The elevator of the training center is fancy, the shiny surfaces reflect my body and my own eyes stare back to me. There even is a small velvet couch in it, but the ride is so short that it's mostly decorative. At least that's what I used to think, the first time I rode this elevator it was kind of exhilarating actually, the speed, the feeling that you leave your stomach on the first floor as the rest of your body darts to the twelfth. But this time it feels endless, and the feeling of sickness I used to have when I went down the mines is present the whole ride.
Have I just agreed to team up with the Careers? My own hand feels alien and filthy, I can't believe I have shook hands with the mountain kid from Two that has been the protagonist of my nightmares during the last week. But I have, because I know it's the best option I have. I only hope the people back at my District can forgive me. I hope I can forgive myself before dying.
When the number twelve lights up I know I have less than a second to compose my expression before the elevator doors open and the small gathering that surely awaits for me shows up, so I erase every emotion from my face and I step out of the elevator pretending I'm just returning from training like any other day, but Haymitch isn't a fool, and neither it is Danny. Effie, on the other hand, is, so when I arrive to the living room she reminds me I'm late and that I should get washed up for dinner. I nod and do what I'm told, but I know sooner than later I'll have to tell everyone what just happened downstairs.
The tense silence that surrounds us during dinner seems to be affecting everyone, even Effie has noticed something is going on; I acknowledge her cheerful birdlike comments with nods and monosyllabic answers, but even like that the silence grows heavier and even she shuts up after a while. We are halfway through dessert when Danny decides it has been enough and slams his fist down the table, a gesture alarmingly similar to his mother's. "You can't do that Katniss!" He accuses, and I'm taken aback by the glare he shoots at me.
"I heard it all, I saw you!" He continues, and I'm tempted to ask how but then I remember he is the youngest one in a family of four, of course he has mastered the art of eavesdropping. "It's the best chance we have to..." I try to say but he interrupts me again, I've never seen him like this. "To what? To get everyone to hate us?" Danny demands and I swallow because I know he is right, but if the whole district hating me brings him back home I don't mind. Before I can explain him that Danny turns his attention to Haymitch, who seems to be as thunderstruck as I am, but I know he knows what is going on before Danny explains to him. "Katniss has agreed to an alliance with the Careers!"
Effie gasps, and I don't know if it is because she is excited one of her tributes actually might be among the strongest this year or because she is repulsed by it. Whatever it was she excuses herself saying she has little tolerance for all this yelling and I can only follow her pink wig out of the room with the corner of my eye.
Haymitch eyes me carefully and says nothing, eventually Danny's rage seem to calm down but I know he is waiting for our mentor to take his side and remind me what District 12 thinks about Careers, but after some agonizingly long seconds he takes a sip of his glass and says very clearly. "There is a line somewhere, sweetheart. Find it, and make sure you don't cross it."
I know what that means, it means that in the Games there are no rules and the unspoken ones I might have to break if I want to bring Danny back alive, the very fact that I am trying to make sure someone else wins is breaking the rules and Haymitch knows that. But Danny obviously don't, and with a betrayed look in his eyes he stands up roughly, causing the chair to fall and storms off.
My mentor allows me to bury my face in my hands for a while before he asks me. "Do you know what you are doing?" I look up and shake my head, he doesn't seem surprised by my answer. "I only know that if I had rejected him right there Danny would have been his first victim, only because he knows that would assure me to be his second." I mutter, and I think I see some compassion in his eyes, but I'm pretty sure it's only the tears in mine, confusing me. "Alliances can't be forever, I figured that if I could stick with the careers for the first days, feed Danny well... then we could run, outlast them...if I can assure we survive the bloodbath..." I know I'm rambling, but I can't stop. Rambling is the only thing keeping me from crying. "I think I made him think I don't really care about Danny, but he agreed not to touch him... I just... I don't know what I'm doing." I finish with a sigh.
"Just find that line." Haymitch says and dismisses himself, taking his dessert with him.
I knock on Danny's door for quite a while, but he doesn't open up. Eventually I walk in without his permission, and I find it empty. Panicking I barge into my room, which is empty too, I'm about to run to Effie for help when I notice the door that supposedly takes us to the roof ajar. Something inside me tells me to go up, and there he is. Blonde hair against the moonlight, broken childish sobs against the adult air he tries to adopt.
Danny hears me, I know that, he has the best ear out there. "I know what you are trying to do Katniss, but there is still a big chance I die." He says, as if I need a reminder. "And when I do, I want to die as myself. I don't want to be a Career!" He yells into the cold night air, as if trying to make the whole Capitol hear him. "I don't want to be just a piece in their Games."