Iwaizumi doesn't think anything of it when he gets the text from an old friend one monday afternoon.
yo! you in this friday?
And so he immediately types out his response,
yeah, i'll be there.
He switches over to his phone app, hitting the top contact and pressing the cell to his ear. It rings a few times before being answered.
"Hajime?"
"Hey, Koto." He replies with a smile, "I wanted to make sure that you could have Kaede this weekend?"
There's a hum on the other line, "It is my turn isn't it?" and he can hear a certain mischievous tone flit through the receiver, "Why do you want to be so sure? Hmm?"
Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, "It's the monthly get-pestered-in-a-bar-by-my-high-school-friends-day this friday." He reminds simply, leaning against the wall by his kitchen. He can see Kaede eating her after school snack at the table. She has her eyes glued into one of her new books that one of her friends gave her.
Hamasaki laughs in his ear, "You mean, Hajime-gets-drunk-despite-himself-and-regrets-it-in-the-morning night?"
Iwaizumi huffs a bit, turning away so Kaede doesn't notice him watching, "Well?"
"Don't worry, I already promised Kaede we'd go to the aquarium. She's very adamant about petting the sharks."
"They let kids pet sharks?" Iwaizumi repeats, tightening his grip on the phone. He looks back over at Kaede and sees she hasn't stirred, other than to flip a page with her tiny hands.
She chuckles again, "Oh right, I wasn't supposed to tell you that."
"Koto-" He begins, tense.
"You worry yourself silly sometimes, Hajime." Hamasaki sighs, and there's a bit of a sad tone in her voice. A knowing, sad tone. It makes him pause. He frowns. "Anyway, have fun ok?" She continues, a bit forced.
"I'll try." Iwaizumi replies honestly, and it feels a bit hollow when he hangs up. He lets out a sigh. It'll be good for him, seeing his friends again after the mess his life had become with Oikawa's reappearance.
The thought of him makes his skin crawl. He rubs his face, leaning heavily on the wall. He needs to figure out what to do with Oikawa. Because he can't leave it as is. Because he misses him. He's missed him so God damn much.
But he deserves an explanation. And he refuses to give in until he gets one. Oikawa can't weasel out of every consequence.
He's putting his foot down.
"Dad?"
Iwaizumi looks over, hands falling back to his side, "Yeah?"
Kaede squints at him, "Why are you sad?"
"I'm not sad." Iwaizumi replies, perhaps a bit too quickly. He strides over to sit beside her and quickly deflects, "What are you reading?"
Oikawa gets a call from an unknown number one monday evening, and he's tempted to ignore it. But, despite his better judgement, he answers the phone tentatively, "Hello?"
"He lives." Sings a voice from the other line.
Oikawa frowns, eyebrows scrunching forward, "Excuse me?"
"Back from the dead, and he doesn't even give his best friends a call." Comes another, deeper voice, and it's like there are two people fighting for ownership of the communication device.
Oikawa blinks, and a smile starts to grow on his face as he realizes the identities of the strangers, "Hanamaki? Matsukawa?" He breathes, gripping the phone a bit tighter, "Is that you?"
"Nice to know you haven't forgotten the little people." Hanamaki teases, and Oikawa can feel the smile in his words even after all these years. It makes his heart ache.
Oikawa sits down on his bed, grinning wide, "How are you guys? What have you been up to? How'd you get this number?" He starts earnestly.
"Our favorite son sent a mass-email to the old team about your return and copied in your new phone number." Matsukawa explains easily, "Makki still forwards his old e-mails to his new one so we were able to catch it."
"I'm sorry I haven't reached out." Oikawa murmurs sincerely, fingers twisting the sheets beside his thigh. He cringes a little as he says it.
"Eh, we get it. Life gets in the way." Hanamaki brushes off, and Oikawa kinda wants to cry. Because its so unexpected. If only it was always this simple, "I mean Mattsun and I didn't start talkin' again til after college to be honest." He adds with a little sigh tugging the end of his words.
"Anyway," Matsukawa cuts in, "You up for a reunion?"
Oikawa licks his lips, fingers squeezing the fabric beneath him tightly, "Y-yeah. Yeah! Where? When?"
"It's this local bar Mattsun and I found. Real nice. We'll text you the address. You free this friday?"
Oikawa nods eagerly, and then realizes they can't see the motion, "Pretty sure I can pencil you guys in." He smirks a little, feeling a bit more confident, a bit more at home. He can practically feel their eyes roll and its nice. He bites his lip.
He hangs up after a few more teasing exchanges and stares at his phone, smiling wide. Because, at least he could rebuild this, slowly but surely.
He thinks about Iwaizumi.
He lies down.
"Sorry, I'm late!" Iwaizumi calls a bit frazzled, stepping into the bar and taking off his jacket. He hadn't even been able to go home to change. Things had been hectic at the clinic, more so then usual, and he'd lost track of time completely.
Hanamaki waves at him from their usual booth, and it's then that Iwaizumi sees Oikawa's back, facing Matsukawa and Hanamaki. The blood running through his veins turns icy. His eyes grow wide. Matsukawa winks at him.
Oikawa turns around, eyes wide, sees him, and then quickly looks down. Like a frightened animal.
Iwaizumi debates running away.
He takes a deep breath and walks over to them.
"Look who's returned from the grave," Hanamaki states happily, motioning to Oikawa who smiles sheepishly at the attention. He refuses to make eye contact.
Iwaizumi snorts, trying to act casual. He stands there a moment, realizing the only open space is beside Oikawa. He swallows, and then sits down, careful to keep space between them. Oikawa doesn't try anything thankfully. In fact, he doesn't make a move to even say anything to him.
Hanamaki raises a brow at the non-exchange, "Huh."
"Huh?" Iwaizumi repeats, waving for a waitress. He needs a drink and he needs one now. He doesn't think he's ever needed a drink more than right now.
"Nothin'." Hanamaki answers, leaning back in his seat, "I was just...expecting more." He frowns.
Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, "Stop conspiring." Matsukawa snickers into his hand at the comment.
Oikawa sits up a little, "We already re-met." He murmurs with a soft, sad smile, "You're a bit late."
Hanamaki frowns deeper, squinting at the pair suspiciously. "He thought he'd be able to play hero." Matsukawa explains patting the sour man's shoulder.
Hanamaki gives him a side glance with a raised brow, "Except it was your idea." He reminds.
Oikawa smiles at them, but Iwaizumi can see how pained it is. How it crinkles his eyes and makes him squint. How he grits his teeth every so slightly. He tries not to think about it.
They still haven't spoken to each other. Or looked at each other. And the atmosphere is incredibly tense.
"Well," Hanamaki begins again, awkwardly, "I need to piss. And there's something in the air so maybe you two should figure that out before we all catch up and have fun, k?"
Matsukawa nods sagely, and the pair step out without another word.
Oikawa deflates then, leaning back on his side of the booth. Iwaizumi turns toward him.
"Please don't yell at me." Oikawa whispers before Iwaizumi even opens his mouth. He raises his hands up, "I didn't know you would be here." He's already defending, his tone defeated, "They didn't mention you, and...I just...I didn't know you would be here. I'm sorry."
Something tugs at Iwaizumi's heart. But he refuses to let it get to him. Where the fuck is his drink?
He decides not to say anything then. Oikawa wilts in the awful silence.
He rests his head on the table, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Oikawa spills out, biting his lip, "I don't know what to do or what to say and I want to tell you." He continues his sudden vague confession, voice low and full of cracks. "I wanted to tell you the minute it happened. But I couldn't. I couldn't then, and every day it gets harder."
The waitress appears and places Iwaizumi's drink on the table. Iwaizumi takes a sip. He takes another. He takes a big gulp and looks at the glass for a long moment before finally speaking, "You cheated on me."
Oikawa exhales, a long suffering sound. His hands fist where they rest on the table, finger nails biting into the skin of his palms, "Yeah." He hisses.
"That's what I figured." Iwaizumi mutters, tightening his grip on his glass. Because it still stings. After all these years, it still stings.
Oikawa looks at him and Iwaizumi sees how glassy his eyes are.
"It's worse though." Oikawa continues, and his voice is wobbly, and Iwaizumi is terrified he'll breakdown here like he did in that cafe. "It's so much worse."
Iwaizumi squints at him.
"I'm sorry." Oikawa pleads, "I'm so sorry."
Iwaizumi stares at him, "Spit it out." It sounds too harsh. Like a sneer.
Oikawa takes in a breath and then he stares hard at the stained wooden table. He bites his lip and speaks so quietly he might have just mouthed the words. But Iwaizumi hears them loud and clear. In fact they reverberate within his ears. "It was with Ushijima."
There had been a lot of scenarios Iwaizumi had run through his head to explain Oikawa's sudden loss in his life. He'd fabricated so many people that could have stolen his heart, so many gorgeous men and women.
He had never ever given Ushijima Wakatoshi a thought.
Everything is very cold.
Everything is very numb.
Without thinking he starts downing his drink.
Oikawa touches him for the first time, a hand on his arm, to stop him from finishing his drink in one big swallow. His eyes flash with concern, wet and big.
"Fuck off." Iwaizumi hisses, swatting his hand away roughly and Oikawa lets go. He finishes his drink.
Iwaizumi takes a deep breath.
"How?" He growls, glaring at him, putting the glass down with a heavy slam.
Oikawa shrinks back a little, eyes downcast, "I was lonely." The brunet starts, "I was miserable. I had no friends. I wasn't doing well. I was so so lonely. And Ushijima was on the other team and I was just so excited at seeing someone I knew. And then we got drunk. And well..."
Iwaizumi is waving at another waitress for a refill.
"I wanted to die." Oikawa says, and Iwaizumi looks at him for the first time then, because even though he's furious-beyond furious-the tone terrifies him. Because its devoid of anything but truth. Raw, honest, painful truth, "I really wanted to die."
Iwaizumi doesn't say anything but he grits his teeth behind his sealed lips.
"I couldn't face you." Oikawa continues after a minute, sitting up, growing bolder. The weight on his shoulders has been lifted and the words are suddenly cascading out of him, free. "I locked myself in my room and only studied and played volleyball. I didn't try to make friends or anything. I just worked and worked and worked. Because it was nice to be too tired to think."
Iwaizumi tries to smile at the waitress when she replaces his drink. It comes out more like a grimace. He starts drinking again immediately and it burns his throat but it's better than anything else he's feeling.
"I'm making excuses." Oikawa mutters, and he takes a sip of his own drink.
Iwaizumi wants to say something but thats when Hanamaki and Matsukawa stumble back into the booth.
"Holy shit." Hanamaki lets out, "How the fuck do you guys look even worse now?" He gapes, a bit hesitant to climb back into the booth. Matsukawa nudges him and they slip in regardless.
The atmosphere can only be described as awkward. Oikawa is miserable, sunk down on his side, staring at the wall. Iwaizumi is tense beside him, chugging down the alcohol as a desperate distraction. Matsukawa and Hanamaki glance at each other, trying to figure out a way to slice through the thick air.
Before they can say anything, Iwaizumi starts talking, placing his drink down with an ungraceful clatter, "Oikawa and I dated in high school." He mentions bluntly. He gropes for his drink again and almost knocks it over, but he manages to take it and swallow few more mouthfuls as his words settle on the table.
Oikawa sits up straight, staring at him widely in disbelief, mouth slightly agape.
The pair across from them blink at each other, "Well," Matsukawa starts, "We all had our suspicions."
"I'm offended you never told us." Hanamaki mutters, if only to inject a bit of humor back into the conversation. It doesn't seem to work.
"We broke up." Iwaizumi continues, and he's not sure why he's letting all this out but he's very upset. Incredibly upset. And his heart hurts. And alcohol has always made his lips loose, "We haven't seen each other since. Sorry about the heavy atmosphere."
He finishes his second drink and calls for another.
Hanamaki and Matuskawa actually look uncomfortable. A rare sight that Iwaizumi would normally enjoy. But he can't really enjoy anything. He's just angry and sad. Still, it's nice to not be miserable alone.
"Well," Matsukawa says again, "It's been years now." He tries, "New beginnings and all that?"
Iwaizumi snorts, and then he starts laughing. A loud forced laugh full of bitterness. Because it's absurd. Because it's not that simple. Because God he wished he could just forget it all and start a new but that's not how his mind works. It's not how his heart works.
Matsukawa and Hanamaki share another alarmed look.
Oikawa watches Iwaizumi carefully, "Iwaizumi," He murmurs, a hand hovering over his shoulder, worry overflowing him. Especially as Iwaizumi reaches for his third drink.
Iwaizumi shoots him a glare that makes Oikawa look away, hands falling to his sides. "Stop it. Don't touch me. I'm fine."
"You're not fine." Hanamaki comments, and his tone is serious, a rare sight, "Maybe we should reschedule."
"No." Iwaizumi snaps back, slamming his drink down for more emphasis, "I told Koto, I'd have fun."
"Koto?" Oikawa repeats, the name foreign to his ears.
"His ex-wife." Matsukawa explains, with a little wave.
Oikawa's eyes widen and he stares at Matsukawa incredulously, "His ex-wife?"
"Shit," Hanamaki mutters, "Did he not know you were married?"
"You're divorced?" Oikawa cries out, staring at Iwaizumi.
Iwaizumi is downing his third drink.
"You know about the kid right?" Matsukawa murmurs, leaning forward with a frown.
"I've been acquainted." Oikawa assures, with a grimace as his knee pain flares up at the thought.
Iwaizumi suddenly glares at him fiercely, putting down his glass with a loud clatter. The sound makes Oikawa jump, "You keep Kaede out of this."
The brunet blinks at the accusation, but says nothing less he aggravate the man more.
Iwaizumi picks up his glass again.
"This is a disaster." Hanamaki announces, with a sigh, "Here I thought we'd all have fun together again."
"I'm sorry." Oikawa whispers.
"Since when did you start saying sorry?" Hanamaki wonders, squinting at him.
Oikawa shrugs, and pushes away his barely touched drink, "I should go." He decides, sadly.
Hanamaki and Matsukawa don't deserve to see this drama. They had nothing to do with it. He was ruining their fun night. He should just go. He should never have come.
He should never have done a lot of things.
But before Oikawa can even try to get out of the booth Iwaizumi finally loses it. He slams his empty glass down sloppily, knocking it over.
"Ushijima?" Iwaizumi growls, hands rubbing at his forehead, "Ushijima?" He repeats, louder.
"Iwaizumi." Oikawa freezes, a panic in his eyes. Matuskawa and Hanamaki are lost and now forgotten by the angry man.
"Of all the people in this whole god damn world!" Iwaizumi continues, voice bellowing through the bar. People are staring at them. Waitresses are whispering at each other.
"I know. I know." Oikawa whispers, biting his lip, praying that Iwaizumi would keep his voice down.
"I thought you hated him!" Iwaizumi shouts, turning completely towards Oikawa.
"I do! I still do!" Oikawa insists and he's panicked and scared and sick to his stomach, "He just won't stop texting me-"
"YOU TEXT HIM?" Iwaizumi roars, and Oikawa shrinks back, terrified.
"Iwa-"
"You text Ushijima and not me!?" He stands up, furiously. He pounds a fist on the table, making the entire structure rock. Hanamaki's drink topples over and he lets out a curse. Matsukawa immediately grabs for the napkins.
Oikawa says nothing. Because he can't. There's nothing he can say. He can feel the tears building at the corners of his eyes.
Iwaizumi finishes his drink, slams some bills on the table and storms out of the bar.
"Iwaizumi!" Oikawa calls back, finding his voice once more. He stumbles out of the booth to chase after him. "Iwaizumi please!" He scrambles for the door.
Oikawa finds him outside, stumbling a little and trying to flag down a cab. He rushes to him, grabbing his arm. Iwaizumi tries to fight him off, "Let go of me you piece of shit."
"Iwaizumi, please!" Oikawa is crying. Iwaizumi hates it. Has always hated it. Will never not hate it. And he's supposed to not give in to this.
"Stop fucking crying!" Iwaizumi shouts at him. He stops struggling a moment to roughly wipe away the tears with his hand. Oikawa is too shocked by the action to do anything, "You're an ugly cryer!"
"Iwaizumi?" Oikawa whispers hoarsely, eyebrows knitted together.
"Leave me the fuck alone." Iwaizumi growls, and maybe downing so many drinks so quickly was a bad idea, because he almost slips. Oikawa catches him, pulling him up, "Let me go!"
"You're drunk." Oikawa insists, voice scratchy and raw.
"I don't fucking care." Iwaizumi snaps, "Go fuck Ushijima."
Oikawa glares at him then, but doesn't let him go. Iwaizumi struggles but he's sloppy at best. He stops after a minute. Enough to calm himself down with a few deep breaths. Oikawa senses the change and releases his grip tentatively, making sure the other man doesn't fall.
Iwaizumi starts wiping at his own eyes, and he leans against the wall of the bar to catch his breath. Oikawa leans beside him, careful not to have their shoulder's brush. Careful to give Iwaizumi space. He doesn't say anything. He waits.
"Was it just...Was it just that one time?" Iwaizumi whispers out, hollow and tired and sad.
Oikawa lets out a shaky sigh, "It's complicated." He admits, looking up at the starless sky, "It was just that one time, and then I didn't even look at another person for two years. And then..." Oikawa pulls at a strand of his hair, "And then I kinda went a bit crazy."
Iwaizumi looks over at him.
"When I started playing professionally, I met up with him again." Oikawa continues, "We kinda had an on off thing for a while. To be honest I'm pretty sure I was just using him."
"Using him?" Iwaizumi repeats, a bitter taste in his mouth.
"To punish myself." Oikawa's eyes look out into the street again.
They're silent for a while. A long while. The city hums around them, the street lamps flicker, and the din of the bar echoes behind them.
Finally, Oikawa breaks it, "I'm not a good person, Iwaizumi."
"No shit." Iwaizumi mutters, wiping his nose with the back of his arm.
Oikawa looks down at his shoes, "You deserve better."
Iwaizumi isn't expecting that.
"You've always deserved better but I've always been so selfish." Oikawa continues, unprompted, "I've always wanted you to be my Iwa-chan. No one else's. You were my first friend. My first everything. I... But I don't deserve you." He licks his dry lips, "You never did anything wrong. And all I did was keep fucking up. And every time I was thrown a bone I just dug a deeper hole with it." He rubs at his eyes, "You've always been so good, Iwaizumi. Even now, after everything, you're still so good to me. You deserve a good person. A better person."
"Oikawa."
Oikawa shakes his head, and looks over at him, "I'm sorry."
Iwaizumi stares at him.
Oikawa straightens up, pulling away from the wall, "Let me pay for your cab." He continues.
Iwaizumi watches him flag one down expertly. He walks over, lets Oikawa open the door and steps inside. He squints at him, numb and tired and sad.
But Oikawa has never looked so mature. Has never looked so handsome. And he shouldn't still think that after so long. But maybe it's the alcohol.
Oikawa hesitates at the door. Fingers drumming against it. He licks his lips.
"Oikawa."
Oikawa looks down at him, jumpy, and steps away from the door.
"Oikawa."
Oikawa blinks at him, in non-understanding.
Iwaizumi doesn't know what possesses him to say the next few words. Maybe it's the look of defeat in Oikawa's eyes, the sad emptiness in those brown swirls, that Iwaizumi has never liked seeing. Maybe it's the fact that Oikawa's finally told him everything, that a huge weight has finally been lifted from his tired shoulders. Maybe it's the fact he can't deny the jump in his heart at the sudden reappearance of his life long friend.
Maybe it's the alcohol.
"What are you doing next weekend?"
Definitely the alcohol.
What a fun reunion
So i'm back with more heartache! and a little bit of progress
reviews make me smile
see you next time!