"Thank you for letting me stay the week, Uncle." Takeru bows his head at the airport. Oikawa scoffs, patting his head and ruffling his hair. Taleru isn't very amused by this.
"Anytime, Take-chan." Oikawa insists with a smile, "I love the free labor."
Takeru rolls his eyes, re-adjusting the strap of his messenger bag, "Aren't you an adult now? Shouldn't you know how to make your own bed?" He huffs. The pair take a sidestep as a business woman rushes past them toward the check-in counter. Takeru has already checked in for his flight.
"As an adult, I don't have time for such simple chores." Oikawa explains easily with a little wave of his hand.
"All you do is watch Netflix." Takeru counters with a frown, "And go to work sometimes."
Oikawa tuts, "I'm at work all morning. You just wouldn't wake up until noon."
Takeru purses his lips and grabs at the handle of his luggage. Oikawa knows he's stalling. He has time until his flight, but he still needs to go through security. He wishes the boy would just come out with it.
"Uncle," Takeru begins, and his hand squeezes the handle tightly, "When are you coming home?"
There it is. Oikawa knew it. It was probably his sister's doing. His entire family had been pestering him for months now to at least come and visit. And Oikawa knows it's a reasonable request but he can't. There's a wall between him and Japan greater than any ocean. He's not sure he can cross-can ever cross it. He'd been running for so long he's not sure how to stop.
He forces on a pleasant smile, "Well, I'll be going home as soon as you leave me here."
Takeru scowls at him, "That's not what I meant." He mutters, "You know what I meant."
Oikawa shifts his weight slightly onto his other leg, "I'll visit Japan at some point. I'm really busy right now, is all." He lies.
"I saw the e-mail." Takeru suddenly blurts out, frowning deeply, "I saw the e-mail you keep ignoring."
Oikawa feigns ignorance, "What are you talking about?" There's prickling inside his lungs and he wants the conversation to end.
"The e-mail offering you a job in Japan. A better job. The deadline to accept is a week from now. You should take it." The teen is looking at the ground, hand squeezing and unsqueezing the handle of his luggage to the beat of his racing heart.
Oikawa grits his teeth but he keeps his mouth closed to hide it, "You shouldn't go through people's things, Take-chan. You can go to jail for that, you know."
Takeru lets out a growl, "I'm not a kid anymore, Uncle! I'm being serious."
Oikawa frowns, eyes narrowing, "You are a kid."
"I'm seventeen." Takeru snaps back looking up finally, as if to prove a point. But Oikawa is still taller than him by a few inches and it only makes him feel small.
"Seventeen year olds don't know anything." Oikawa bites back and even he can tell its a bit harsh. But it's true. It's the truest thing he's said in a while.
Takeru growls under his breath, impatience leaking through him, "Mom's worried about you. And Grandma misses you. And-"
"And?"
Takeru glares at him, "You're so annoying!" He huffs, "Why don't you want to come home? Do you hate us? Is that it?"
"I don't hate any of you." Oikawa responds immediately, "Why would you think that?"
"Because you're not there." Takeru insists, "You've never been to a single one of my volleyball matches. We might even go to nationals this year but you don't even care. Are you even going to come to my graduation next year?"
Oikawa feels his hands ball into fists, "I'm sorry, Take-chan. Things are complicated right now." He lies. He just keeps lying and lying and lying.
"They're really not." Takeru spits back, "You should take the job." He fidgets a second, frowning at the ground. He bows again, for good measure, "Thanks again for letting me stay so long. I'll call you when I land." And he spins around, heading toward his terminal. Conversation over.
Oikawa takes in a breath, combing a hand through his brown locks. Because his nephew is right. It is simple. He could just take the job and go back. He could stop running away from this festering problem. But even his nephew's righteous anger and disappointment isn't enough to help him cross the bridge.
But it does push him towards the sea.
It had been a couple years since he had last seen Ushijima Wakatoshi. So it's a surprise when he bumps into him at the metro on the way back from the airport. His nephew's words still ring in his ears so he decides to tolerate the man before him. He'd rather not spend the rest of the evening feeling melancholy in his apartment.
Ushijima starts speaking to him, and Oikawa only half listens. Something about his volleyball team and nationals, something about his parent's wishes, something about going back to Japan for his annual visit, something about a woman he has to meet, something about visiting Shiratorizawa as an honored alumni.
Oikawa tries to listen at first, he really does. But Ushijima's voice is so monotonous and it drones on with little inflection, until it mixes with the humdrum of the train moving them across the city. He could sleep to this. But he doesn't want to. And when Ushijima pauses his talk as Oikawa's stop appears, Oikawa waves him to continue.
"Do you want to grab a drink?" Oikawa asks, when the train starts moving again but before Ushijima can start rambling once more. Ushijima blinks and looks at his watch.
"I suppose I can." He agrees after a moment and Oikawa grins. Because do you want to grab a drink means a lot more than that when it's between Ushijima and him. And he hasn't had much success in that department in recent months. He'd been growing a bit tired of the party scene. He was twenty-eight now, and thirty lay on the horizon. It was a bit terrifying to think about.
Oikawa had never been a fan of aging.
They get off at Ushijima's stop, but head the opposite way to the bar Oikawa had grown quite fond of. They step into the warm lighting and take a seat at the bar. Oikawa notices Ushijima's a bit more guarded than normal. A bit stiffer. Or maybe he's just older, and his joints don't move as well. Nothing a few drinks wouldn't fix, he thinks.
"And what have you been doing, since we spoke last?" Ushijima asks, and Oikawa blinks. Because its too early in the night to start spilling his guts to his rival. And he's still very sober.
He takes a sip of his drink, "I got a job as a consultant for a corporation around here. It's fun, pays well."
Ushijima nods slowly, "So you have stopped playing volleyball?"
Oikawa tightens his grip on his drink, "For now." He lies-more lies. Because he knows he'll never be able to play again, or at least, play like he did. Not with his knee how it is. The pain is dull but it flares up every now again. Enough that he has to keep his brace around; he can't just pack it away and forget about it. He never knows when he'll need to wear it again.
It's a reminder of all his mistakes.
He finishes a drink, "Who knows what the future holds?" He continues, forcing on a grin.
Ushijima seems to accept this with another nod, taking his own drink. Oikawa feels his mouth twitch. Because it's why he hates Ushijima and also likes talking to him. Because the fool accepts everything at face value. He doesn't dig. He assumes the truth.
With Iwaizumi, Iwaizumi always knew when Oikawa was lying, or hiding something, or only saying things to please him. He knew how to scrape at Oikawa's edges, to push him until he finally let go, and vented-really vented. And Oikawa hated that about Iwaizumi but he also loved it. Because a lot of times he simply said things for appearances, begging someone to just look a little closer and see his cry for help.
Maybe this is one of those times.
He orders another drink.
"Anything else occur?" Ushijima continues, as he downs a drink.
"My nephew visited me for the week. I took him around the sites of the city." Oikawa recounts, "Hadn't seen him since his last visit when he was twelve..." He trails off.
"How old is he now?" Ushijima brings him back.
"Seventeen..." Oikawa sighs, holding his head up with his hand, "Time goes by so fast."
Ushijima nods sagely at that, "Our last high school match was when we were seventeen." He comments. Because Ushijima can only go so long before his mind returns to the sport. Oikawa hums an agreement, ordering a third drink. Ushijima continues, "You lost."
"I know." Oikawa snaps, because it may have been ten years but the wound still feels fresh.
"Did you ever beat me?" Ushijima wonders, and Oikawa feels his hand ball into a fist.
"No." Oikawa growls, "I never did."
"If only-"
"If you tell me I should have gone to Shiratorizawa one more time I'm leaving this bar and you're paying my tab." Oikawa shoots back coldly.
Ushijima blinks, "Do I say it often?"
"Literally every time we hang out." Oikawa huffs.
"I apologize. I did not realize it offended you."
"Oh my god." Oikawa groans, rubbing his face, "How do you not realize that?"
"You never said anything. Until now. Or at least, I don't recall you ever-"
"Ug, it's fine. Let's move on." Oikawa hurries, swirling his cup because he's feeling fidgety.
Ushijima frowns, "You are upset."
"I'm not upset."
"You are lying."
Oikawa decides not to respond, having the bartender pour him another drink. He still has too much control over his motor skills. And cognitive skills. He doesn't want to talk about himself. Or his emotions. He doesn't even want to think anymore.
Ushijima doesn't get the memo-he never does-and continues, "You are more upset every time I see you. But you are better at hiding it every time as well. However, you never wish to talk about it. How am I to help you, then?"
"I didn't ask for your help!" Oikawa suddenly shouts, gritting his teeth.
Ushijima blinks, furrowing his brows at him.
Oikawa feels bad, a bit. He quiets down, "Look, I just...want to take my mind off things. I just want to drink a bit. Let's...talk about something else."
Ushijima acquiesces.
It takes a lot longer than usual. Oikawa is very drunk by the time they stumble out the door and Ushijima isn't fairing much better. Usually Oikawa tries to be a little classier with these escapades, but he's too far gone for that. He's a giggling mess as he leans heavily on Ushijima, sucking at his neck and running his hands all over his firm torso as the man fiddles with the key to his apartment.
Oikawa knows Ushijima's apartment setup intimately. He easily pushes them toward the bedroom and shoves Ushijima onto the bed. He vividly remembers crawling onto of him, leaning down to messily unbutton his shirt. And then it begins to get foggy. His memory swirls. It's wet, and he's trembling and he remembers Ushijima's steady hands on his face. But he doesn't remember much after that.
He wakes up to Ushijima nudging him. Oikawa squints at him and groans, flipping over and trying to pull the covers over his head.
"Oikawa." Ushijima says, and his tone is insistent. Oikawa doesn't understand why this is happening. His head his pounding. He feels sick. He needs to sleep.
"Oikawa, you should leave." Ushijima continues.
"I just woke up." Oikawa growls, sitting up and rubbing his forehead, "Give me a minute, God." He squints at him because the room is too bright, and his eyes are burning. They crackle at the edges from dried up sleep. More than usual.
"This should not have happened." Ushijima continues, frowning deeply. Oikawa notices he's fully dressed. Or...In pajamas? A gray flannel shirt and matching pants. He blinks. He's never seen Ushijima's pajamas. He'd always woken up to him either naked beside him, or already dressed for the day.
"I'll go in a minute. Why the rush?" Oikawa glowers, because Ushijima is rude but he's never this rude. Even when he needs to leave he would usually let Oikawa sleep in.
"I don't want this to continue any further." Ushijima states, keeping off the bed. Oikawa notices his side of the bed is perfectly made. And that's never happened before.
"What's going on?" Oikawa starts, anxiety prickling in the pit of his stomach, "Something's off."
"You were very upset last night." Ushijima explains, "You would not stop crying. I was afraid things would get too out of a hand. We were both very drunk. Luckily, we didn't go all the way."
"What are you talking about?" Oikawa huffs, pressing a hand to his forehead, "So, we didn't have sex, is what you're saying?" He surmises, from the information. He tries to ignore the part about him crying. He'd rather forget that.
"Thankfully." Ushijima nods.
"What the fuck?" Oikawa snaps, squinting at him in non-understanding, "The whole point was to have sex."
Ushijima stares at him, "I do not understand. But I am engaged?"
Everything stops in that moment.
Oikawa's world stops making sense.
Ushijima Wakatoshi is engaged.
"You're engaged!?" Oikawa shouts, despite how the words ring in his pulsing head. He grips the sheets around, as if he needs an anchor in a world turned upside down.
"I...I told you I was engaged on the train?" Ushijima reminds, furrowing his brow, "I have yet to meet her in person. She is in Japan. It was set up by my mother? Do you not recall the conversation?"
Oikawa feels sick. He wants to vomit. He needs to vomit. He holds it in.
"But you agreed to go out to drinks!?" Oikawa continues, spluttering. This is too much. Everything is too much.
"Yes." Ushijima agrees, "Because I had not seen you in two years and wished to catch up."
"But we always have sex when we 'go out to drinks'." Oikawa insists, pleadingly.
Ushijima blinks, "We do not." He mutters, and then squints in thought, "Do we?"
"Yes! That's the whole point!" Oikawa cries out, pulling at his hair, "Why else would we?"
Ushijima looks taken aback, "Because we are friends?"
Oikawa holds his face in his hands, because he can't say anything. Because nothing makes sense in this whole God damn universe except for one thing. And one thing only.
"I'm a horrible person." He whispers, mostly to himself.
"You said that, last night." Ushijima comments, "You should not say that."
"I got you to cheat on your fiancée." I've been using you this whole time.
"But that is my fault. I will talk to her. In fact, I have already informed her of the events. We have to discuss it more, but it has nothing to do with you anymore so do not worry."
Oikawa stares at him, mouth agape, "You told her?"
"Of course."
Oikawa takes in a shaky breath, "Why?" How?
"It was the correct thing to do."
Oikawa wonders what it would be like to be Ushijima. Where things are so simple. Where right and wrong is clear, and silly emotions and self doubt have no bearing on decisions. Where guilt and self-hatred don't pool together in a cesspool of inner turmoil.
"I'm a horrible person." Oikawa repeats again, and his mind starts working a mile a minute, trying to catch up, "I need to leave. I can't be here. I can't be near you. I...I can't stand you."
Ushijima looks at him, "Does this have to do with Iwaizumi?"
Oikawa pales, "What are you talking about?"
"You spoke of him a lot, last night. When you were crying. He is engaged, too, correct? Is that why you were adamant about sleeping with me?"
Oikawa rips the sheets off him, "Iwaizumi Hajime has nothing to do with this!"
"Why are you so upset? I will handle everything."
But Oikawa is already grabbing at his discarded clothes and shoving them on and smashing through the door.
Because the insinuation he would gladly ruin Iwaizumi's happy marriage for his own selfish reasons is too much for him to bear.
Because the fact that Ushijima Wakatoshi is a better human being than he could ever be is too much for him to bear.
Because no matter how hard Oikawa tries, Ushijima is always, always better than him, in every single way.
And it's just too much.
That night, Oikawa accepts the position in Japan.
That night, Oikawa informs the landlord he'll be moving out immediately.
That night, Oikawa makes plans to sell all his furniture.
That night, Oikawa buys his plane ticket.
That night, Oikawa sits at his computer and types up ten years worth of apologies in a two page email addressed to Iwaizumi Hajime. His keyboard is tear stained, his fingers shaky, but he types well into the night until the morning light dances across his face.
That night, he does not send the e-mail. He simply saves it.
He'll send it at the airport and make everything right again.
Somehow.
this chapter is meh but necessary
we're approaching critical mass! i forsee this story ending around chapter 20
thanks for being so nice to me!
reviews make me smile
see you next time