Author's Note: No, I have not forgotten this or any of my WIP's. It's just been an up and down situation with muses and writer's block on various fandoms. I'm hoping to get more of them updated, but this one needed me first. I hope you enjoy.

Coulson's Briefing

Darcy grinned as she all but sashayed into Coulson's room. "Hey, you!" she chirped at him, eyes glittering with amusement as he gave her a steady stoic look. "Ready to move to another set of digs?"

The past few weeks tried everyone's patience – and that did not even count the handful of battles they had to fight. Clint continued to tiptoe around Coulson despite the older man's tireless attempts to dispute any feelings of guilt the archer might possess. Natasha haunted the room in her desire to watch over her mentor while Pepper dropped by every day for lunch. Steve brought him breakfast – and Darcy made sure to get film of that. Even Coulson's patented stoicism flickered at Steve Rogers serving him breakfast. She just knew his inner fanboy geeked out over the whole thing.

Coulson's sleep patterns had yet to fall into a steady rhythm, but if he woke up at two in the morning, Tony would come wandering through with a litany of jokes, complaints, and random observations. Bruce brought him tea when the agent woke up from his afternoon naps while Thor and Jane came by at dinner time with something new every evening. Thor wanted to try all the different Midgardian cuisines, but he also wanted to assist in keeping an eye on Coulson, so Darcy convinced them to do both. (She then spent an inordinate amount of time explaining the saying "kill two birds with one stone" but whatever worked.) Even Hill came by to check on him.

"Yes," Coulson nodded, "but first I would like an explanation for why I am here and not at SHIELD Medical."

"Right," Darcy nodded, drawing out the word. She chewed on her bottom lip as she considered how best to answer him. No one had given him a rundown on everything that happened, always finding a way to put him off, but it looked like their little hiatus was coming to an end. "Okay, let me explain." She paused as a memory from an old movie came to mind. Her mouth quirked up into a smirk as she shifted into an accent. "No, there is too much. Let me sum up."

Coulson reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. "The Princess Bride, Miss Lewis?"

"Hey! You got it!" She clapped her hands. "Gold star for you."

"I have nieces," he sighed.

"You do?" Her eyebrows went up, but he leveled a flat look at her. "Yeah, yeah, no pushing the curiosity button right now." He pursed his lips and she shrugged. "Right now is all I'm willing to give you and that's only because you're not at your best and not up to date. Any other time and questions are free game."

"Acceptable," he nodded. "As far as your summary?"

"Where do I start?" she muttered. "Okay, some of this is second – possibly third hand." Her eyes fastened on his. "Yeah?"

"Understood," he replied. "I can make confirmations later."

"Good luck?" she chuckled. "SHIELD's…less than happy with us and technically you're still dead."

"I shall fix that as well."

"Gotcha." She tapped one finger against her chin. "Okay, so taking it from when you died. Tasha knocked Loki out of Clint's head and then she shut down his gate while the boys kept him and the alien army busy. New York was a mess, let me tell you. Oh, and the World Security Council tried to launch a nuke at Manhattan." He blinked and she gave him a serious nod. "Oh, yeah, bad, bad juju headed their way. One-Eye disagreed with them and tried to shoot down the plane with the missile, but he missed. Tony took the missile through the gate before Tasha shut it down and he ran out of oxygen. He fell through the gate just before it closed, but was headed for splatsville on good old New York concrete. Hulk caught him and all but roared him back to life." She rolled her eyes. "This is after Loki tried to insult Hulk and got smashed around. The whole gang had shwarma while SHIELD took Loki into custody. Thor took Loki and the Tesseract back to Asgard."

"The Council would not have been happy about that," Coulson muttered.

"According to Hill, they were not," Darcy agreed. "Anyway, Tasha arranged for Jane and me to be brought out of safety and to the helicarrier – which, may I say, is absolutely awesome! If you can get Fury to take a vacation, I'd love a tour."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Great! After Tasha gave us the basic rundown, she brought us to the city and we began to get ourselves ingrained into everyday life. Jane went straight back to work to repair the Bifrost while I started trying to get reorganized."

He lifted an eyebrow at her. "And stealing the Avengers out from under SHIELD's nose?"

"First off," she retorted, "you – their planned handler – were dead. Second? No one from SHIELD, up to and including Hill, were willing to take them on. Besides, I didn't steal them," she huffed. "They came to me of their own free will. All I did was make breakfast and insist upon movie nights. It's hardly my fault if the idiots at SHIED want to treat them as weapons instead of people! So, anyway, I began making breakfast for everyone and helping Pepper with Tony. I even did some social events." Her eyelids did a long, slow blink. "Ah, right, and the tabloids all think I'm Tony's illegitimate daughter." His eyebrows flew up and she shrugged. "I made an offhand comment and some gossip rag repeated it. Hey, presto, it's a girl!" She threw her hands in the air. "The level of security on me almost sucks."

"Almost?"

"Let me tell the story," she ordered.

His lips twitched, but he remained silent, waving a hand at her.

"Clint and Tasha began all of the new security setup and while we were at the Tower, I ended up meeting Hulk." She shook her head. "That was…frightening, but also enlightening."

"Miss Lewis?"

"Apparently he likes me," she offered in explanation. "I've gotten to talk to him twice now – he calls me Talky Woman."

Now Coulson's lips curved into a definite smile. "Appropriate."

"I'd be insulted," Darcy laughed, "but it's stupid to be insulted by the truth. Right, so I met Hulk and then had to lecture Bruce on not being stupid. The loony-loon thought he could skip my breakfast!" Her gaze fixed on Coulson with a glare. "I've given up on lunch and I'm still fighting about dinner, but team breakfasts? There is no argument. That meal is mine and everyone is expected to show up. Got it?"

"Got it." His lips twitched again.

"Jane managed to do the highly improbable and get Earth's end of the Bifrost fixed. It meshed with the Asgard end and Thor is back on Midgard. He's adopted us – apparently his dad decided they'd been out of touch too long and gave him permission to be Asgard's ambassador and representative on Earth." Here she paused.

The silence stretched out a bit too long and Coulson level another look at her. "Miss Lewis?" he prodded.

"Yeah, yeah," she flapped a hand at him. "We got back from New Mexico with the big guy in tow and the team got called out to deal with mole people." He frowned and she shook her head. "Don't ask me – you'll have to read the files on their missions." A sigh slipped from her and she slumped back in the seats. "While they were gone, JARVIS told Pepper and me about you being in SHIELD Medical."

"Actually Miss Lewis-." JARVIS tried to break in.

"I'm leaving a lot out, J, I know," Darcy nodded at a camera. "He'll read the files later for the details – I'm just trying to hit the high notes."

"Very well, Miss Lewis."

"He sounds disgruntled with you," Coulson noted.

"J likes all the details in order," she explained. "I'm being shockingly light on detail. It's not accurate enough."

"I did not say that, Miss Lewis," JARVIS pointed out.

"That's because you're a pal, J," she replied. "You're definitely in Pepper and my top ten lists of best people to have around."

"May I remind you-?"

"J," Darcy sighed. "You talk, you study, you learn, and you worry – once we teach you to laugh, you'll have all the makings of a real boy. Our own personal Pinocchio story…hopefully without the Monstro side story."

"Thank you, Miss Lewis."

"Do continue, Miss Lewis," Coulson requested, a spark of humor glinting in his otherwise steady gaze.

"So….then Pepper and I told the others about your apparent not-deadness and they joined us in an epic sharing of pissed off unhappiness. Please note – we were all shocked because Fury the lying liar who lies never bothered to share with anyone that you were still breathing. Hell! Hill didn't even know! That's cold." She crossed her arms over her chest. "So we invaded the helicarrier, I slapped Fury, and we stole you away from them. Tony brought you here where Pepper's handpicked medical crew could keep an eye on you and the entire team has traded off sitting with you until you woke up." She spread her arms into an all-encompassing gesture. "The end!"

"Why do I get the feeling you skipped over quite a bit?" he asked in a reflective tone.

"Details," she waved her hand. "Mere details."

"Miss Lewis?" JARVIS broke in again.

"Yeah, J?" She tilted her head.

"I believe you skipped an important 'detail' in your timeline."

Darcy could hear light sarcasm in JARVIS' tone and sighed.

"JARVIS?" Coulson turned the name into a question.

"Yes, Agent Coulson?"

"What detail did Miss Lewis skip?" The agent's voice remained steady as did the gaze he focused on Darcy's face.

"Miss Lewis neglected to inform you of her abduction by a woman known as Yelena Belova," JARVIS replied, the matter-of-fact tone doing nothing to hide the satisfaction in his answer. "The security on Miss Lewis has been heightened as a result."

"Oh, all right," Darcy muttered, "so I left that part out. I already have a team of superheroes fluttering about me as well as Pepper and Jane." She pointed at Coulson. "So don't you start. I'm being good and sticking within Steve's rules."

"Good to know, Miss Lewis." Coulson leaned back. "Recommendations?"

"Sorry?" she frowned.

"You have been acting as the handler for the Avengers for many months now, Miss Lewis," he explained. "Do you have any recommendations on how to improve either their performance or their morale?"

"Really?"

"It would be foolish to ignore your observations," he informed her, "and I have never been accused of being foolish."

A bright grin broke out across her face as she pulled a tablet from her bag. "I have lists!" she announced, a wicked glee gleaming in her eyes.

"The movers will be here in five minutes," JARVIS interrupted.

"Fine," Darcy sighed. "When we get you settled at the mansion," she continued as she patted her tablet, "I have some definite ideas."

"I look forward to it," Coulson assured her.

It took a few hours, but they finally settled Coulson into his rooms at the mansion. Pepper set him up with a suite so he could keep a private office – or as private as Tony would allow. She already forbid him from using JARVIS to peek into people's computers, so the engineering genius would have to do his own hacking. Darcy thought the whole situation hysterical. She just knew it would turn into some kind of chess game between the two men. Each of them refusing to give an inch to the other.

Darcy walked up to his door as Bruce walked out. "Hey, Doc!" She greeted him with her customary hug. "The patient ready for visitors?"

"Go ahead," Bruce nodded. "If he starts to look tired-."

"Uh, Doc, we're talking about the guy who invented the expressionless expression," Darcy pointed out, lips trembling as she fought laughter.

He shook his head at her antics before leaning forward. "So cheat," he whispered.

She blinked and then tossed him her brightest smile. "I'm on it," she told him with a wink.

They parted, Bruce chuckling under his breath as Darcy breezed into Coulson's rooms. "Ready to go to work, Son of Coul?" she asked him as she sat in the guest chair and propped her feet on the side of his bed.

"Please refrain from calling me that, Miss Lewis," Coulson sighed. "And yes, I am ready to hear your recommendations."

"Awesome." She pulled out her tablet and began poking at the screen. "Oh, hey, J?" she glanced at a camera.

"Yes, Miss Lewis?"

"When Coulson's bio-readings start drifting into the tired range, shut us down."

"Miss Lewis-," Coulson began.

"Ah, nope," she shook her head at the man. "Doc says you have to rest, you have to rest. That's one of the rules of the house. Bruce is in charge of everyone's medical well-being. He gets unhappy if people start ignoring his decisions."

"If I may, Miss Lewis?" JARVIS queried.

"Yes?"

"On your request for a 'shut down', may I inquire as to what level of lockdown you are requesting?"

"Hmm," Darcy hummed to herself for a moment. "Do not shut down my tablet or lock me in here. Coulson's not allowed any use of electronics except an emergency and to watch movies. He's supposed to be getting some rest – sleep preferably."

"Parameters accepted, Miss Lewis," JARVIS agreed. "May I suggest you move forward with your meeting? Agent Coulson's readings are already low."

"Thank you, J," Darcy tapped once more on her tablet before smirking at the bland, yet somehow disapproving face looking back at her. "Shall we get started, Agent iPod Thief?"

"Please," he sighed.

"You do that a lot around me," she noted. "Sigh, I mean."

"I am not surprised."

"Be nice," she chided with a smile. "Recommendation number one – you become permanent liaison between the Avengers and SHIELD. Pepper's been doing it and her plate is full."

"Why aren't you handling that task?" he asked.

"Remember the bit where I slapped Fury?" she reminded him. "I don't go to the helicarrier. Ever."

"I'll work on the situation," he replied as he made some notes on his own tablet. "What about Hill?"

"She comes to us," Darcy told him. "Almost no one goes to the helicarrier unless they're going in a group of four. I'm not saying we don't trust SHIELD, but…well, we don't trust SHIELD. Fury's too much of a manipulator and the Security Council is certifiable."

"How do you manage the teams?" Coulson's brow furrowed as he looked up to catch her gaze.

"It depends on who needs to go, but either Steve or Thor go every time," she explained. "Sometimes both of them, but at least one goes with every group. If Steve goes without Thor, then Tony goes. Fury, and the Council apparently, know exactly what kind of mess they would have on their hands if something happens to any one of those three." She rolled her eyes. "Thor can't be touched because he's got diplomatic status – the UN has verified it. Tony is too public a figure, plus Pepper and JARVIS have thorough documentation over where he goes and when. If something happened to him, it would be splashed across every media station in the world along with any SHIELD details the two of them could dig up…which is a lot by the way."

"The Avengers were not meant to be at war with the organization," he told her, something akin to sorrow flickering in his eyes.

"I know." She offered him a sympathetic smile. "But that was before you 'died' and Fury stepped up to try and play handler. He sucks at it. And then the nuclear missile?" Her shoulders slumped as she slouched into the chair. "Coulson, I'm pretty sure you were the only person SHIELD had with the ability to make that bunch of independent mixed bag of nuts work together. They pulled it off because they needed to avenge you." He shifted and she could see embarrassment in that gaze now. It was hidden, and hidden well but she had not been working with Tasha all this time for nothing.

He shook his head. "I'm sure the aliens-."

"They came later," Darcy interrupted. "They came after the team came up with a plan to go after Loki. Hell, Thor and Bruce arrived after the others already started the fight." She took a deep breath. "I hate to tell you, but as far as SHIELD's plans go? You're screwed. For SHIELD's plans to work, they'd have grouped around you, but now?" She shrugged. "Steve's the heart of the team – and he won't work for Fury."

Coulson eyed her for a moment and seemed about to say something. Then he stopped, glanced down at his tablet and made a couple of notes. "Very well," he said after a moment. "What's your next recommendation?"

"You'll love this one," Darcy replied, deciding to let him get away with his subject change. "Recommendation number two – we steal Doctor Betty Ross away from her deranged father General Thaddeus Ross."

"I need a vacation."