I don't know exactly what I was expecting to happen. The same impulsive and angry behavior that led me to shoot an arrow at the Gamemakers weeks ago has stricken again and lured the words out of my mouth. I just openly challenged the Capitol on national television. When the silence surrounds us the painful realization that I would be severely chastised for my outburst sinks in, and because of the obvious death wish I just announced, they will soon figure out that the only way to hurt me is the small boy in front of me.
But there is no use thinking over my words now, they have been laid out and now I just have to wait, unable to know what kind of effect my words had outside of the Arena. So I focus instead on Danny's trembling hand, ravaging my brain for a way to comfort the both of us, a convincing lie to make us believe that we are going to be fine. But I can't come up with one.
"Let go of the berries, Danny." My voice comes out hoarse and tired, nothing compared to the yelling I just let out.
My outburst had gotten a reaction, of course, but there is no way of us finding out here. But when Danny acts, the Gamemakers make sure to be heard. It all happens in a flash to me:
He apologizes with a broken whisper, his blue eyes that look like Peeta's so much it hurts lock with mine as he brings the berries closer to his dry lips.
But before he has a chance to kill himself, before I have a chance to stop him, Claudius' voice booms across the Arena.
"Stop!"
The second that follows was the longest I have experienced in my entire life, but when the trumpets are heard I can barely acknowledge what came next, only the way Danny dropps the nightlock at the ground.
"Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Victors of the 74th Hunger Games. Katniss Everdeen and Daniel Mellark! I give you — the tributes of District Twelve!"
I am sitting in my old quarters (it is weird to refer to them in that way, it was only a few weeks since I left them, and they were mine for a couple days only), running my hand across the rug as I try hard not to blink. Whenever I close my eyes the memories come flooding in immediately.
My most recent memories are a whirlwind of pain killers and scared glances; they had lifted us into a hovercraft and immediately took Danny away from me to tend our wounds separately, but I hadn't seen him ever since. When Cinna came to see me one look from him made me stop asking questions, the seriousness in his eyes made it clear that I was in no position to be asking favors. Still, I appreciate the fact that he doesn't tiptoe around me the way everyone else does.
The Capitol has fixed my ear, so I recognize Haymitch's steps when he walks towards my room, I even hear him hesitate in front of my door for a while before he comes in after a short knock. So much for privacy.
I don't know what I was expecting from him, but it was definitely not this. Never in my life have I seen him that sober.
His back was straight, his clothes were completely unwrinkled and his face was beyond exhausted. Never have I ever been this happy to see him. Without thinking much about it, I stand up from my spot in the corner of the room and walk straight to him, wrapping my arms around him tightly. After a long pause he returns the embrace.
"You really fucked up this time, sweetheart."
I wince, pulling away so that we can see each other, and finally sitting down on the corner of the bed. It is the first time I touch the bed since I was put here. I've chosen instead to sleep on the floor. Something so soft and comfortable seems foreign to me now.
"How do I fix it?"
The words sound foreign in my mouth, like every single fiber of my body wants to keep fighting against the Capitol, like I want to stand my ground and defy them over and over again until they realize that they are the ones wrong, that we are people, not just pieces in their games. But I'm tired, and I want to go home, and I want to stop being afraid.
"Lucky for you sweetheart," Haymitch exhales, sitting next to me. "You won the Capitol's heart from day one, and let's say this is not your first reckless act of rebellion since you got here." Suddenly his voice sounds less sincere, as if he was repeating a lie that he had already manufactured. "You've obviously been put under a lot of stress, and the thought of everything being ripped away from you… even when you knew the Capitol would never do something like that. Besides, goodness knows what side effects the leg medicine had on you. You simply showed how far you are willing to go to protect your family, you didn't mean it."
I didn't mean it.
"Temporary dementia," he finishes, swallowing hard.
I am unable to keep my eyes on him a second longer, so I look down at my hands. The Capitol has erased every single trace that I was in the Arena, there are no scars or bruises or broken nails. As if I had never left this room. I link my hands together and think of Danny, how he is somewhere in a room similar to this, alone. Will they let me see him if I agree to play under their rules?
I think of Gale, and how he must have been so proud of me after I spoke up, after I openly defied the Capitol for the first time in the Games' history. If I take it all back, if I tell the world that I was just tired and I wanted to go home, if I tell Panem that I didn't mean it and that I trust the Capitol… he would never forgive me.
But then I think of Peeta, and how the lack of news must be killing him. What is being broadcasted right now? Is he forced to see the repeats of the Games over and over again? Watching me and Danny get hurt, feeling the time until we see each other stretch longer and longer? If I don't take it back, then I probably will never see him again.
"I guess I never really did feel like myself in the Arena," I say finally. My voice is flat but I know it's a start. "My memories are fuzzy, and I was just so tired. I wanted to go home."
I rise my face so that I can see Haymitch's, my eyes try to dissect his expression, and I can't help but notice the very slight disappointment behind the understanding. He more than anyone has a reason to despise the Capitol, Haymitch more than anyone else would want me to tear them to pieces. But our hands are tied. So he simply nods and pats me in the back.
"I'll get you home, sweetheart."
The Capitol wants me to reunite with Danny on National television, which means it has been two days since we left the Arena and I haven't yet seen him and I am slowly losing my mind. I look at my reflection in the mirror, trying to recognize myself in the girl staring back at me. I'm wearing a pale yellow sundress that makes me look like I am twelve years old, my eyes focus on Cinna's in the mirror and I nod. The less terrifying I look now the better.
Cinna proves once more he is on my side when he gently sets my pin on my dress and hands me my ring.
"Go get them, Girl on Fire."
They are going to interview me first, dissect my every action in the Arena before they bring Danny on stage. They usually show a summary of the Games before the interview, but this year they are making things differently. The less screen time we have the better, apparently. So they have issued an announcement that after the interview, a very short recap and the Victory Party the two of us will be sent home. Much better if you ask me.
When I walk into the stage the crowd goes crazy, and my smile is real when I am reassured that they are glad to see me. The Capitol doesn't hate me. I'm safe.
"Are you feeling much better, Katniss?" Caesar's voice sounds sincere, and I notice immediately that he is guiding the interview yet again. He is helping me out, I just need to play my cards right.
"Oh yes, those last days were a nightmare. Apparently, due to a mixup there were some ingredients in the medicine Danny got for me that I am allergic to, I don't know how I made it through those last days!"
Sounds of sympathy surround me. Everyone has been exposed to message after message of my so-called recuperation. They all blame my actions on the side effects and exhaustion. I'm safe.
"Let's go back a little, shall we my darling? The last time you were on this stage, you were not planning on coming back, were you?"
I shake my head, thinking over my words before I let them out. Something very unlike me.
"I wanted Danny to come out more than anything. I was ready to do whatever it took."
"And you sure did! Didn't she?" The crowd goes crazy again and I force out a chuckle, smiling at the public before Caesar quiets them down. "I have to say, I was truly touched by the way you took care of him. You must love him and his brother a lot."
"They are family," the words come easy this time. But it is still hard to forget the whole country is watching me. "I love my family more than anything."
The public swoons and claps, and I blush, adding to my non-threatening look. I'm safe.
"Well, Katniss. I can't say how glad I am to see you here tonight, and I am sure looking forward to see you back every year as a mentor!"
My stomach drops but somehow I manage to keep my smile up, I had been so busy trying to stay alive that I hadn't stopped to think about that. The Games don't end the moment the trumpets go off. These Games go on and on forever.
Caesar continues to speak, the audience laughs and I force myself to pay attention again, dismissing the thoughts of the future for a moment. I have enough time to worry about that later.
"…am I right folks?" I laugh along with the crowd for a moment, but Caesar turns serious after. I know what is coming, Haymitch coached me for this question, but still my palms turn sweaty.
"I'm sorry, Katniss. But I have to ask you… about the berries." I nod solemnly and he takes a moment to complete his question. "What was in your mind in that moment?"
I take a long breath, the lies tasting like poison in my mouth but I urge them out anyway. I've said them so many times now, yet I am still surprised of how sincere they sound.
"I honestly don't know what happened to me, Caesar! You have to understand, that being in the Arena is a lot of stress, you are scared all the time. Especially me, since I wasn't just scared for me but for Danny. And then I had the amazing news that we both could go home and I was… consumed by it. Now it seems silly, I know that the Capitol never backs up on their words and that it was just a Game, that we had won already. But in that moment it was just… too much for me, I exploded. I'm sorry, everyone."
Behind Caesar, in the edge of the stage Haymitch nods. I'm safe.
"My poor darling, hopefully we can get those chemicals out of your system and have you back to normal real soon!" He reaches forward and squeezes my arm, I smile. "Now, how about a little reunion, huh folks?"
The crowd goes crazy and they don't subdue even when Caesar announces Danny. I stand up immediately, just in time to catch him in my arms when he runs across the stage towards me. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but the audience cheers louder. He is wearing a yellow shirt that matches my dress and a pair of black dress pants. He is safe. We are safe.
The interview goes way more easy when he is here sitting next to me. Caesar and Danny talk about the Capitol food and what he is going to miss the most, he also talks about how he is looking forward to go back to the bakery and make cakes with his father again. We has the audience wrapped around his finger, and he easily makes the people forget about my little accident. I wonder if Haymitch told him the danger we are in. I hope not.
Instead of the usual three hour recap we get the Games condensed in an hour and a half. Danny buries his head in my arm more than once as I observe the details. By watching the recap you'd think I was a Career. Cold, calculating. Except for the moments I was with Danny, of course. They even erased most of the scenes with Rue so that they could skip the bit of her death, because my song and the flowers, they stink of Rebellion.
Soon the recap is over and we stand up to listen to the Anthem and receive President Snow. He places a crown on top of Danny's head and I try not to show how revolted I feel about him touching me. But that thought easily goes away when his eyes fall on mine and I realize once and for all that the Capitol may have forgiven me, that the whole berries thing may be forgotten to their eyes. But not him. I'm not safe.
Effie makes us leave the party early, using Danny's age as an excuse, which I appreciate. If I have to dance with another sponsor with wandering hands I might not be able to keep my mask on anymore. We are shoved into the train and Effie and Haymitch quickly excuse themselves and leave us alone in the luxurious living room. Everything looks wrong, too polished, too clean, too safe yet threatening at the same time.
"We are going home," he murmurs and I smile softly, nodding, but I can't bring myself to look at him.
"Just think about how happy everyone is going to be, Katniss. Peeta, Prim, Dad, Gale… besides the whole District gets food for a year!"
I let him comfort me for a while before I excuse myself too and lock myself in my chambers. Once again I don't touch the bed and choose the floor to sleep in, crying quietly until I am too tired to continue and I sink into a restless sleep.
Effie helps me apply my make up as we enter District Twelve. There are going to be cameras everywhere to record our reunion with our families, and they will stick around for a few weeks to watch us blend in our lives again. I hate that. The last time I saw my family I thought I was saying goodbye, I am not ready to let go of my last shred of privacy just yet.
"Chin up, smile on," Effie reminds me and I give her a soft smile that is almost sincere. I never in a million years would I have thought that I'd end up being fond of Effie Trinket. "That's my girl."
I'm wearing pants, which I am grateful for, and my hair is braided in my trademark look. I saw a lot of people mimicking in the Capitol and I tried to seem flattered whenever they showed me their new look. I am standing next to Danny, holding his hand as we wait for the train to slow down and the doors to open. When they finally do I'm suddenly blinded by the sunlight and the cheering people in front of us. The whole District seems to be here to welcome us home.
Danny waves enthusiastically, standing on his tiptoes as he tries to find a familiar face in the crowd. I do the same. And then I see them.
My mom's eyes are red, but she is smiling as she waves right back at us. Beside her Prim cheers along with everyone, and Gale towers next to them. He has a relieved but stern smile on his face, stoic against the noisy crowd. His eyes don't leave me and I know that even though he is disappointed he is glad I am fine, maybe he will forgive me someday.
"Dad!" Danny disappears from my side suddenly, and I follow him with my eyes until I see him collide against his father, even Mrs. Mellark joins into the embrace. But I'm more interested in Peeta. He wraps his arms around his family, but his eyes link with mine and I suddenly feel heavy.
Because I am not the person that left this District all those weeks ago. I can't be.
I lock my eyes with his again, they are so familiar that I can read their confusion even from this distance. Before I can refrain myself and think of the cameras I rush into the crowd, running towards him and burying my face into his chest. The crowd suddenly turns silent.
It takes him a minute, but eventually Gale wraps his arms around me.
Author's Note / Please don't hate me! I know that it has been a very long time since I last published a chapter, and I really hope you like this one!
We are only one chapter away from finishing this story and I honestly can't believe how much support you guys have given me all this time, thank you so much! After a long time thinking about it, I have decided to write a sequel! So keep tuned for news about that, alright? Tell me what you think in the comments!