Psychiatrist: So, are we ready to get started? Have any tantrums you'd like to get out of the way first?

Hamlet: No, I believe they are all out of my system. I fear that without Ophelia by my side, I shall have no good reason to throw such a tantrum.

P: Ophelia?

H: What, the fair Ophelia? I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love make up my sum. But alas, she did not feel the way for me that I felt for her. Refusing to see me, sending back my letters. My parents didn't care enough to betroth me at a young age, we could have been together! But she turned me away. And for what? So she could sew in the closet?

P: Sewing in the closet? Hamlet, did you ever maybe think that-

H: *ignores him* To a nunnery, I told her, go, and quickly too. Farewell. But she didn't care too take my advice. Something about my unmatched form and feature of blown youth blasted with ecstasy.

P: Hamlet, I think you've got it all wrong. It wasn't that she didn't care for you, it's just that she cared more for... the fairer sex.

H: *obviously doesn't get it* What sex is fairer than I?

P: Never mind, it isn't important. So, is there anyone else in your life that you could turn too? A close friend or maybe a family member.

H: *gives Psychologist a condescending look*

P: Probably not a family member.

H: Well, there is one. Horatio, what a wounded name, things standing thus unknown, shall live behind me! If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart absent thee from felicity a while, and in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain to tell my story.

P: Why don't we have Horatio come talk?

H: I suppose. He's out in the hallway.

Horatio: *enters* Hello.

P: Hello, Horatio. I hear you and Hamlet are very close.

Hor: But of course.

P: Are you aware that your friend is suicidal?

Hor: If aught of woe or wonder, cease your search.

P: *takes a few moments to deep read what Horatio is saying* You are two really moody teenagers with really wide vocabulary.

Hor and Ham: *simultaneously* Ay.

P: So, Horatio. How do you plan to support your friend?

Hor: *lifts goblet of poisoned wine to lips*

Ham: Horatio no! As thou'rt a man, give me the cup. Let go! By heaven, I'll have 't! It's poisoned!

P: Where did you get that?

Hor: If Hamlet so chooses to lift the goblet to his lips, I so choose to lift it to mine. *drinks from cup*

Ham: No! *drinks from cup as well*

Hor: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince. *the two men collapse on the floor*

P: ... I THOUGHT I WAS COUNSELING HAMLET NOT JULIET.