I was sitting in the library waiting for Lydia to come in and grill me about the night's events to brief the Clave. It was strange knowing that it wouldn't be my parents asking the questions this time. Part of me idly wondered if they would be involved in the meeting at all or would Izzy and Jace's actions have them removed from the investigation altogether. Before I could muse any further Lydia and my parents walked in – guess that answered my question for now.

"Alec sorry to keep you waiting while your statement is important finding the missing guard unit was our top priority."

I just looked at her. It was strange here I was in front of my fiancée being questioned for questionable behaviour – it didn't look good for me I realised. With Jace and Izzy involved and my spearheading of the failed mission I could very well be a suspect. Izzy's declarations that I wasn't involved wouldn't be taken seriously, maybe bringing her in wasn't the brightest of ideas….

"Alec? Are you going to tell me what happened or am I going to have to question you?"

I looked up.

"Sorry. Emm we made it to the downworlders entrance without any problems. We picked up on subtle noises and part of the guard left to secure the perimeter. We proceeded without any issues. Then the inner guard were suspicious and stayed just outside the building while I brought Meliorn through. I had just gotten the entrance open when Clary called out to me. I turned my head around but kept walking with Meliorn linked to me. The next thing I knew Jace was standing outside the entrance. He told me to stop – when I didn't he attacked me. He freed Meliorn and Clary left with him. After that Jace and I kept fighting … but he won out eventually. He left and I came back here. I met Izzy outside the Institute. She tried to talk me into joining her and Jace and somehow we ended up sparring. I won and brought her in."

Lydia was looking at me. I couldn't make out what she was thinking, a good sign of her capabilities I suppose. For a few moments nobody spoke. The room was tense. How Lydia perceived my story was important. She could end the engagement easily but that was minor really. If my story wasn't perceived correctly my whole family would be under suspicion and I wouldn't be able to join Jace and Izzy either as I'm pretty sure both of them would hate me by now.

"Thank you Alec – I'll write it up soon and call you into sign off on it. Maryse could you please transcript Izzy's interview and Robert check in on the search for the guard unit please. Alec you can leave – just don't leave the institute."

I nodded and left. I didn't know what to do with myself. I suppose I could have gone to see what the story was with the guard unit but I really didn't want to be reminded of my recent failure. I didn't want to go to the music room because it held too many memories of Jace and I didn't really want to figure out how I felt about Jace just yet – that would be something I would probably never face. The kitchen reminded me too much of Izzy's awful cooking which made me want to go talk to her but I didn't think it would be appropriate if even possible. I ended up outside my bedroom. Guess that answered my question of what I was going to do.

I was just about to fall asleep when Lydia walked in, without knocking. I sat up startled and pulled the covers up as she flicked on the lights. I'm pretty sure I seen a wry smile on her face before her 'mask' went up. I suppose it was a strange thing to do seeing as we were engaged…..

"Hey sorry I didn't mean to wake you… it's just I want to get this sent off tonight if possible."

"Egh,,emmm, yea no problem" I muttered.

"Look Alec, I don't know you very well but I have a feeling that you may have omitted something from your report – I'm not trying to accuse you of lying or anything I just have a feeling that there's more to it than your saying."

I looked at her not really sure of what to say. Could I trust her? Could I tell her? How could I tell her about what Jace said? I looked up and found her staring at me.

"Look Alec I get it. This is hard you're torn between your duty and your family. It's a tough position but you're strong. I might not know you very long but it's clear you are loyal and right now your loyalties are conflicting. The Clave want to stop Valentine – you know that you're head tells you that the Clave have more to lose than your siblings and we rule with our heads not our hearts."

She was now sitting on my bed – I noticed that there was no sign of a written version of my statement, this was her trying to get all the information first. A suspicious part of me wondered had she even wrote up any of my statement – maybe she was looking for conflicting or contradictory statements. Yet my instincts told me that this wasn't the case. I took a deep breath and decided to trust her.

"Look I don't know what you want me to say"

"I just want the truth Alec. I want you to know you can trust me."

"Well when we got to the entrance Jace didn't….well Jace didn't win. I had him pinned with my seraph blade against his throat…but I couldn't do it. He told me to but I just I couldn't. I let him go."

I looked up at her expecting to see..I don't know what triumph maybe?

"Oh Alec…" She placed her hand against my cheek.

"He told me too…He said he didn't want to live if we were fighting apart."

"But you're not fighting apart – you have a common enemy Alec and when the combative war against Valentine starts you will be together, the fight will being you side by side you know that."

"But what if it doesn't? I mean Valentine fed his parabatai to werewolves…it's only a matter of time before one of us begins to hate the other."

"Alec you couldn't go through with it – you had the option but you didn't remember that"

"I let my emotions over rule me I don't think there's anything I can do about it. I can try rule with my head but when it comes to someone I love they always win."

"No they don't Alec – tonight you said no to your parabatai and your sister. That isn't someone who is ruled by their heart. You're someone who rules with your head but when someone you love is involved your heart wins out. If I went to harm Isabelle you would put your status on the line – I know you would but you know the best option is to rule with your head now and so that's what you're doing."

We fell into a comfortable silence while I processed what we had just spoken about. I was definitely seeing a different side of Lydia this evening. Part of me wanted to bring up the topic of our engagement but from the way she was acting right now it didn't seem like that was in question.

"Alec?"

I looked at her again.

"What actually happened between you and Jace. I don't believe you two just had a major fight and that you ended up with your seraph blade against his throat…I swear I won't tell anyone, if it's not relevant to the investigation I won't include it into the report."

I don't know why I trusted her. I don't know what I was thinking – I think that maybe I just stopped thinking.

"He implied that I'm gay and in love with him."

"And are you?"

"What gay or in love with him?"

"In love with him"

"No, well not anymore at least"

"Hmmmm…. I see…Why not?"

"I dunno – once he was all I wanted but when he started getting close to Clary it really didn't bother me. Surely it should?"

"You know Magnus Bane has a thing for you?"

"Well he did invite me to stay for cocktails…."

What was I saying? I needed to shut up right now. I was putting everything on the line – Lydia was meant to be my fiancée she didn't need to be hearing this kind of stuff. She drew an end to my mental berating by using her fingers to tilt my head to look at her.

"Alec – it doesn't bother me. I had a fair idea already, our marriage is a political alliance – I'm not going to let your sexuality get in the way of it. I don't want that type of relationship you know that."

"Maybe not now but what about in the future? What about when you move past John's death and find someone you like but find you're trapped in a marriage with me?"

"I don't want to fall in love with anything but my job Alec. Besides I'm sure we could come to an agreement. Did you ever think that maybe the same would be true for you? I don't want us to be miserable. Besides I think I'd be happier with a gay husband with male partners than with a male partner that might be eyeing up other women while I was dedicated to my work."

I was speechless. I didn't even know what to think. I always thought my sexuality was something to be ashamed of (it wasn't widely accepted in the Clave). Reproduction was so important among our dwindling population that many homosexual people were just married off to unmarried people of child-bearing years. Lydia was definitely something else to not only be accepting of my sexuality but suggesting that I didn't necessarily need to repress my sexuality all the time, although obviously I would need to be discreet. She didn't seem perturbed by the status of my family at the moment either which I found as odd, maybe I wouldn't get my hopes raised too high but at least I could work on my behaviour regarding rules and not just obeying laws so that it wouldn't really be my fault.

"So I was thinking rather than make our marriage solely about a political alliance we should probably you know try a date or something?"

I grabbed her by the hand and went to lead out of the room when she pulled away.

"What? I thought you wanted a date?"

"As much as I like the idea of a spontaneous date I'd like you to be somewhat dressed before roaming about wherever it is were going"

I blushed – I'd forgotten that I was only wearing boxers!

It took me a minute to throw on some clothes before I grabbed her hand and lead her to the kitchen to pick up some food – fruit and treats seeing as I wasn't sure what type of diet she had. I then lead her up to the rooftop garden. Thankfully we had it to ourselves.

"So how about a game of 20 questions?" I asked.

"First rune you learned?" She asked

"Emmm the one all shadowhunters learn? If you're looking for someone interesting try Jace" I then realised what I had just said and there was a moments awkwardness before Lydia pushed on as if I had omitted the end of my answer.

"Favourite food?"

"Spaghetti Bolognese – once Izzy didn't make it" Again I mentally kicked myself. Why was I talking about Jace and Izzy? It was not going to help matters at all!

"Ambition in life?"

"Run the institute" Finally I thought I may have given the right answer.

"Favourite weapon?"

"Bow"

"Favourite place?"

"Central park"

"Favourite pastime?"

"training"

"What age were you…"

"Why are you asking all the questions?" I interrupted her mid-sentence – question?

"Because you've been mentally kicking yourself about being too honest with your first answers…"

"Good point" I conceded.

"So what age were you when you slayed you first demon?"

"18"

"you?"

"Wait you were 18 when you slayed your first demon? You've been heading missions since you were around 16"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"Guess I was too busy covering Jace to actually get to close – bows aren't exactly the best close contact weapon"

"yea but I've seen you train – you're such a disciplined fighter"

"Jace is a better fighter, makes sense for me to wound and weaken.."

"You bet him this evening"

"Only because he wasn't expecting me to fight"

"No because you are disciplined – he may not have been expecting you to fight and that was his downfall had he been the legendary fighter of his reputation it wouldn't have mattered who he was fighting."

I didn't really know what to say to this so I decided to ask a question.

"Favourite place?"

"London"

"Age of your first kiss"

"Well…emmmm" This was embarrassing – how did we get from demon fighting talk to kissing?

"Let me guess – there's not many shadowhunters around and while Izzy and Jace may have no issues with kissing Downworlders it's not really your scene?"

"Yea something like that"

"How did you end up here?"

"Well I was meant to be taking over a different institute wasn't I? I guess they thought that it would be ok for me to be an envoy seeing as I'd have a fair idea of what I was meant to be doing"

"Do you like it?"

"Do I like the role? Yes…Do I like stepping on the toes of people I've respected for years? No. Do I like being away from home and being scrutinised constantly without family? No. Why do I do it? Because it is my duty. I don't have to…"

I kissed her.

Why? I don't know. Did I like it? Yes? Would I pull away? No. Part of me was confused as to why I was kissing her. Another part was wondering why she was kissing me back. Either way I was enjoying myself I wasn't going to stop. I don't know how long we were kissing for before the door opened – it was my mother. We broke apart and looked at her, she looked at us (speechless) and then promptly walked back out. One look at Lydia and all of a sudden we were kissing again. This time the kiss was different it wasn't nice and relaxed it was urgent and exciting. Next thing I knew I had Lydia on her back and she had her hands in my hair. All of a sudden there was a blaring noise and we jumped apart – the institute was under attack!

I am all up to date with Shadowhunters…not really sure what I think of it yet. Some of the recent happenings kinda match up with my inspiration – others not so much (at least anyway) so please enjoy my distortion of our beloved series – some ideas just won't leave my head until written down!

Please drop the odd review so that I know if it's worth my time uploading etc :P

xxxaddictedxxx