A/N: Thanks for the reviews & follows, I really appreciate it.
The second his name left her lips I felt like I had taken a bullet and whatever moment I had been in the middle of was gone. I got up and stood by the window looking out on to the car park.
"James?" She called softly, her tone apologetic. "I didn't mean to upset you". I heard her get up and sensed she was hovering behind me. I didn't turn around. "He can help you piece together your life before this". Lucy gently placed her hand on my cybernetic arm. I fought the urge to shake her hand away.
"I've been piecing things together well enough myself" I replied gruffly. It was mostly true. Some of my memories were returning. Fragments of my past that I could put together and form some sort of pattern like a movie. And I did remember him, I saw two young boys messing around, laughing, and getting into scrapes. I saw them as young men with hopes for the future. And I saw them in wartime, fighting together; friends, allies, not enemies. Bucky and Steve. But I couldn't accept that they were he and I. Because if I did, it hurt. I tried to kill to him, he was my mission. I felt myself tense up.
"James?" That soft tender voice again, pulling me from my thoughts. Lucy was standing beside me now and in the direct light from the window I could see the redness on her face where I had struck her. I hadn't meant to hit her so hard; I never meant to hurt her. She chewed her lip looking like she was deciding something. "He has a file on you, on how you became The Winter Soldier", Lucy announced. I clenched my fists. She could feel the tenseness in my arm and pulled away. Rogers had what I wanted to know.
After I left DC, I disappeared, trying to figure out my next move. I assimilated every bit of history I learned about James Buchanan Barnes from the Smithsonian and after that I spent hours, could have been days on the web discovering more. Some of it I recalled before I read about it so I knew it to be true. What Zola and HYDRA did to me then, I remembered. But the times in between him turning me in to this and me waking up and finding I worked for Pierce and HYDRA today was a mystery. And the one person I didn't want to speak to was the one person who knew.
"I can't go to him" I told her. "I'll help you get back to DC if that's what you want but I can't. I can't".
"Why won't you let him help you?" Lucy asked in a small voice.
"I don't need help" I told her sharply, holding her gaze.
"Well you gave me this so I guess you need mine right?" she pointed out unhelpfully, holding the flash drive out in her palm.
"That's different" I replied.
"Yeah, how come?" Lucy pushed, her big brown eyes flashing with anger.
"Because you're different" I confessed tersely.
"That's…that's…it's not a reason…it's…" Lucy stammered; the anger leaving her face and the bloom of embarrassment crept up her neck to her cheeks.
"You're different" I reaffirmed, gently closing her hand around the flash drive again. She looked up at me and something inside me stirred; something I was still getting used to but happened whenever it came to Lucy. A warm ache inside. Emotions like that were dangerous, they were a weakness. They make you break the rules.
I'd broken rules for her. I'd broken my own when I found out she was in danger. When Fogal told me Lucy was going to be killed there was no way I wasn't going to find her first. That ache inside. Affection. I'd felt it before and I'd broken HYDRA's rules.
After the fight on the bridge with Rogers I returned back to the vault, he'd jammed his damned shield into my arm and it needed maintenance. I was already unsettled. I knew him, I knew that man I fought. He knew me. He called me Bucky, I knew that name. But there was no Fogal in the room but an outraged Lucy. She was shouting at one of the STRIKE team who was gripping on to her wrist to let go. Without thinking I placed my hand on the guys shoulder.
"Let her go" I told him darkly. He rounded on me and suddenly six guns were pointing in my direction. But he'd let go of her wrist.
"Sit down!" One of them ordered. I did as I was told, weapons still cocked and trained on me.
"She can't fix me with a broken arm" I told them.
"Shut up" The one that grabbed her spoke. I stared at him. I could hear Lucy's breathing quicken pace.
"Alright" Lucy croaked. She was afraid but she stepped in front of me and held up her hands in submission. "Let's just calm down ok? You drag me here to work and The Asset's here now so, can I just get on with it?"
"We aint stopping you lady" someone replied.
"I work better when I don't have guns pointing at me. Please", Lucy made a lowering gesture with her hands. "Please". Slowly they dropped their stance and stepped back. Lucy turned to face me and sighed, closing her eyes. She was relieved.
After the initial tension things slipped back to 'normal' quickly enough, I removed my top and vest and Lucy slipped on her lab coat. I sat still on the chair as if I was utterly removed from the situation and pretended not to notice that Lucy had been crying as she placed the tools on the metal table next to me. She slowly began to remove the damaged metal plates. Suddenly another member of the STRIKE team rushed in.
"There's some trouble" he said. "Need backup. All of you". The senior guard hesitated looking between Lucy and I.
"Go. Its fine, Doctor Fogal will be here shortly. Go!" She urged him. He nodded and they all left. I waited until I was sure we were absolutely alone.
"Are you alright?" I asked.
"I was dragged out of my apartment and bundled into a car", she replied in disbelief.
"Where's Doctor Fogal?"
"He's stuck in traffic trying to get into DC. Apparently there was some fight on the highway" Lucy said.
"The mission" I explained.
"The mission?" She shook her head.
"The fight on the bridge it was my mission".
"Oh" she said simply.
"The man I fought on the bridge. I knew him" I confessed.
"What?" Lucy asked alarmed.
"I knew him and he knew me".
"Who was he? Does he work on the programme?" she asked me.
"No, I knew him from somewhere before. He was tall. Light hair, very well trained, very strong. He had a…a shield with a star on".
"Wait? What?" She curled a small hand around my wrist. "Are you…are you telling me your mission was…" Lucy laughed nervously. "Your mission was Captain America?"
"He called me Bucky" I told her confused.
Lucy held her breath and looked at my face as if seeing me for the first time.
"Oh my God!" She exhaled. "Oh my God".
"What is it?" I asked her desperately.
"What was your mission?" She ignored my question and replied with her own.
"To eliminate three hostiles that were a threat to Pierce, to HYDRA" I clarified.
"HYDRA!?" She exclaimed, her face awash with confusion. "What are you talking about? Pierce isn't HYDRA he's SHIELD. This is not…shit….shit!" Lucy paused, looked down and swallowed hard
"Lucy?" I called her by her name and liked the way it sounded on my lips. "Lucy, what is it?"
She looked up at me slowly and gave a half-hearted attempt at smiling but it couldn't be genuine because her brown eyes were absolutely terrified. Her face was awash with fear.
"Nothing" she whispered. She glanced back at the door. "I have to go now" She told me and made to move away but I caught her arm and pulled her back.
"There's something wrong isn't there. You didn't know this was HYDRA?" I whispered.
"I have to go. Please let me go", Lucy begged, her eyes swimming with fresh forming tears. "Please let me go, I won't say anything".
Lucy didn't know she was working for HYDRA, the name frightened her, was she my enemy? Logic told me I should detain her, report her.
"Do I know him? The mission?" I asked her, still holding on to her forearm.
"Yes" she replied quietly. "Don't tell them; don't tell them you remember him". Lucy placed her soft hand on my cheek and I felt it burning inside. "Oh what have we done to you? Be the master of your own fate", she whispered and I released my hold and she walked out of the vault and didn't look back.
I know now it was affection that I had felt. And that's why I let her go. It's why I lied to Rawlins that she went outside to wait for Doctor Fogal because I'd frightened her. It's why I never told Pierce or anyone about her. It's why when I was in the Triskelion I wiped her file from the records so no one would look for her or ask her questions. It was affection that I felt for Lucy, the only one in a long time to see me as person, to show me consideration and a kindness that was alien to me. It was affection that wanted me to keep her safe.
"Call him" I told her and saw a spark of victory in her eyes. "Not for me, for you. Get him to meet you here. I'll be long gone before he gets arrives".
"No" she replied defiantly. "Not for me. He'll come for you". Lucy left me by the window and sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed.
"I can't…"
"Shut up" She interrupted me. "Just shut up. I can barely sleep at night. HYDRA is trying to kill me. The police are looking for me, my parents are no doubt freaking out, the former deputy director of SHIELD, my boss, is probably on the phone right now to some super-secret agent people wondering if what I told her was lies and I am in fact HYDRA so I'm now on their list. I had to run around New York City in my pyjamas. In my pyjamas James. I don't even run for the bus! There is a dead man in my apartment, blood all over my carpet, a carpet that I haven't finished paying for. And these jeans are too tight. And I think I may be having some sort of breakdown right now because I realise I am rambling and this is not the sort of thing you say to a super assassin in this situation, who has held both a knife and a gun to you but what I'm trying to say most inarticulately is… Don't you want your life back James? Aren't you tired of hiding in the shadows because frankly it's been less than 24 hours and I'm tired of hiding already."
I stared at her, stunned by her outburst. But the tension in the room had eased, her rambling amused me. I joined her sitting on the edge of the bed. She was shaking and shuffled away.
"Did I say that? Oh my God, did that happen? I'm sorry. I'm sorry" She leaned forward and held her head in her hands.
Tentatively I placed my real hand on her shoulder and squeezed lightly.
"I want my life back but I don't know what life it is" I said quietly.
"Then find out. Live it. Be the master of your own fate, be the captain of your own soul" Lucy said peeking out from hiding behind her hands.
"You've said those words before" I pointed out.
"Well they're true. Not my words of course but still true. I will do anything to help you; it's the least I can do given everything I've done to you". She sat up and shrugged. "Speak with him; ask him your questions, if it doesn't feel right you can leave again. At least you tried".
If I agreed to this, I could get her back safely to DC, she'd be protected there. If I met him, he'd stop looking. I could ask to see the file she talked about, fill in those blanks. I didn't mean anything. It was just answers. I leaned over to the other side of the bed and pulled her backpack up on to it, emptying the contents onto the bed linen. I picked up her cell phone and passed it to Lucy.
"Alright, make the call".
"I don't actually have his number but I know his friend" She admitted sheepishly.
"All that talk and you don't know his number? Who is his friend?" I queried.
"Sam Wilson. Guy with a wing pack. That flies".
I remembered him; I remember trying to take him out.
"Do you know anyone that I haven't tried to kill?"
"Is that a serious question?" She asked; a smile playing on her lips.
"Just call him before I change my mind".
Lucy turned the phone on and called the number.
"Hey…no I'm fine…no seriously…I'M FINE!...Look can you and Rogers pick me up?…I'm with someone…yeah its him".