Lucy was fitful, tossing and turning her bed; the sheets wound up in knots around her lower legs. She was distressed, clearly having a nightmare. Considering recent events that was understandable. I didn't know whether to wake her or to wait until she woke herself. Hell, I didn't even know what I was doing here at all. I'm glad I checked in though, her friend Sam had left leaving her with an incompetent SHIELD agent. If I was still The Asset she'd be dead already. I didn't like the thought of her lying still and cold in bed which came unbidden. Especially at my hands. I shivered.
Lucy started gasping and reaching for her throat. Was she struggling to breathe? Alarmed I moved towards her from where I was perched on the edge of the opposite bed. Suddenly she was awake, she flung herself forwards off the mattress clutching her neck. When her wild eyes saw me standing above her she made to scream. Instinctively I covered her mouth with my hand, stifling any noise. The agent 'protecting' her was out cold but I still didn't want anyone else rushing in here.
"Shh, shh. It's me" I whispered in her ear.
She nodded that she understood and I released her. In place of screaming came a rush of muffled sobs and tears.
"Don't. Do. That" She said in between whimpers.
"You were having a nightmare" I explained.
"I know. Where's agent Merriweather?" She sniffled, looking towards the bedroom door worried.
"He's taking a nap" I replied simply and smiled.
Lucky cocked her head to the side and made a face of disapproval. She was still rubbing at her neck.
"He's not very good at his job. What was it about, the nightmare?" I asked her as I sat back down on the other bed.
"Just stuff. I have them a lot, usually at night, not so much if I nap in the day", she replied quietly after a moments hesitation. I felt a rush of empathy. Another emotion that was stolen from me now returning.
"I have them too. It's...harder now I don't sleep when I'm made to. And I dream. I see faces, some I recognise, some I don't. And the things I'm doing in the dreams I don't know if they happened or if its just my imagination".
Lucy wiped her eyes and sat cross legged on the bed, her face full of pity.
"How did the talk go?" she asked suddenly. "You got the answers you wanted?"
"I got answers but they aren't the ones anyone would really want".
"And you and Steve?" She pushed gently.
"Difficult" I answered. Lucy sighed disappointed.
"So you're going? You're not going to stay?"
"He asked me that too", I told her. I thought back to earlier that evening.
"So Bucky, are you going to stay around?"
I stood silently looking across the still waters of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. I had a decision to make and now that I was here, it wasn't as cut and dry as I thought it would be. Steve was sitting down on the ground, his knees pulled up to his chest, arms balancing on them. He was relaxed and easy.
He was my friend. That much was clear. I almost succeeded in ending his life yet here he was offering me help, asking me to hang around.
"I tried to kill you" I said coolly.
"You gave it your best shot Buck. And besides before I realised it I could have killed you too", he replied standing up. "We can move on from this. I just want to help you; I want to help my oldest, truest friend".
"Shut up! I can't just move on from this! I've done things. Bad things. You've read that file. I'm not Bucky. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm something else", I snarled. I went through the well-thumbed file he passed me in the car. My journey from HYDRA experiment into The Winter Soldier all documented in the Russian that I understood perfectly. The training, the brainwashing and the mental and physical torture I had endured to the missions I had been operational on, the kills I had made. I was a monster.
"That wasn't you. That was done to you". There he was again, excusing me from blame.
"Shut up!" I didn't want to hear it. I didn't need to hear it.
"Bucky, I thought you were dead. I've mourned you. And I've mourned the passing of too many friends. But you're here. You need me. I can't give up on you".
"And what do you think we're going to be doing? Playing baseball in the street? Still going to spar at the boxing gym? Taking pretty dames to dances? Fight a war together?" I replied bitterly.
"Why not? It's 2015 and I still haven't stopped fighting HYDRA. Isn't that what you're still doing now? SHIELD might be down but we're not all down for the count. We've reorganized. Some of us are still out there taking them on. You could join us?" He offered.
"Turn on my old master to be an attack dog for SHIELD?" I scoffed. "I don't take orders anymore. I don't obey anyone. I want to be my own man".
"Then I know a good boxing gym we could go to" Steve joked. And for a beat it felt comfortable. It used to be this easy.
"So what are you going to do?" She asked me, waking me from my thoughts but I didn't answer because the bedroom door opened and a woman stood in the doorway pointing a gun at me. Petite, redhead, beautiful. And formidable. We'd met before, I remember her.
"I'd prefer it if you didn't make me shoot you, I don't think there's enough in the budget for the soilage charge" She addressed me. "Lucy, slowly move towards the door".
"But he's not…"
"It's alright Lucy. She's just doing her job, go stand by the door" I reassured her and watched as she backed towards the redhead, her concerned eyes not leaving my face. "You know if I was going to kill her I'd have done it in New York, why would I take all the trouble to bring her here?"
"You attacked one of the agents I tasked with protecting your little friend, what am I supposed to think" She accused.
"I was demonstrating a flaw in your team".
"I'm not so deficient" She threatened.
"Agent Romanoff, thank you but there is no need for this" Lucy interjected.
"I don't trust you" She told me plainly, ignoring Lucy.
"Spies don't trust anyone" I pointed out.
"But she trusts me" Steve entered the room. "Natasha? Put the gun down".
"You ladies work things out?" She said after a moments consideration and lowered the weapon but her eyes didn't leave mine.
"We're trying" He explained and I saw him give a reassuring squeeze on Lucy's shoulder as he stepped in between the red head and I. "I figured this is where you'd be. So have you made your mind up?"
"I'm staying".
Steve held out his hand again and this time I shook it. And I had the strangest feeling I was coming home.