Steve was humming a tune in his bedroom as he was getting dressed. He was going to a fundraising dinner and dance for a disabled veteran's charity that Lucy and Wilson had helped arranged. Captain America was the guest of honor. Always the hero, he'd agreed to go. People had paid a lot of money for tickets to see him there. Some had paid even more to sit on the same dinner table.
I lay on the couch reading the Winter Soldier file again seeing if I could trigger any more memories. I don't know what else I could uncover. I knew it wouldn't be anything good. I never did anything good. But I had this compulsion to know everything I had done for HYDRA. If I was going to make amends for the things I had done I had to know everything I was atoning for.
The intercom buzzed and Steve called from his bedroom.
"That's Sam and Lucy. Could you let them in?"
I moved off the sofa and did as I was asked. I'd been living with Steve since Lucy returned to DC, it wasn't always easy, especially at the start but I was able to trust him more and more every day. There was a knock at the door and I answered.
"Hey we're here for our special guest. Is he ready?" Lucy stood at the apartment door and I was stupefied. She looked…stunning. I stood there unmoving. Silent.
"Are you going to let us in man?" Wilson asked me, standing behind Lucy.
"Ok", was all I managed to say and stood aside to let them inside. My eyes were unable to leave Lucy as she stepped inside. The black dress she was wearing was simple, straight, with small sleeves and it hugged her in all the right places. Her small waist accentuated by a white ribbon belt. The tight fabric ended just above her knees and revealed lightly tanned shapely legs that I couldn't recall ever seeing before. She was taller too, propped up by leopard print high heels that made her hips sway provocatively as she walked. Wilson followed her through the doorway and threw me a knowing glance. I swallowed trying to regain some control.
"Oh wow, you look beautiful!" Steve said as he walked in the room, fiddling with a bow tie.
"Gee thank you", Wilson joked. And Lucy rolled her eyes.
But she did look beautiful. And I was wowed. Her chestnut hair fell on her shoulders in perfectly formed waves, like a Hollywood movie star from my era. She smiled at Steve, her full lips painted red.
"Here let me help you with that", Lucy said reaching up to do his bow tie. Steve smiled down at her as she finished up. And I felt a twinge of something. Was it jealousy? "There. All done. You look very handsome".
"Yes, Steve looks handsome. Lucy looks beautiful and I as always look amazing. Can we go? We're going to be late", Wilson started to complain.
"Alright, we're going" Lucy told him. "Are you sure you don't want to come?" She asked, turning to face me, her big brown eyes tempting me.
"Fundraisers aren't really my thing", I replied in a small voice. I looked down at myself. Gray sweat pants, white t-shirt. Unshaven. Metal arm. "And I don't own a tux".
"You don't have to wear a tux. A shirt and tie is enough", Lucy replied.
"No thank you", I declined. I didn't have the heart to tell her that fundraisers weren't really a former assassin's scene.
"Alright then, we'll bring him back in one piece" Lucy smiled and brushed at the collar of Steve's jacket. I bristled at the way her hand lingered over his chest.
"See you later Bucky", Steve said as he linked arms with Lucy and escorted her out.
It was definitely jealousy that I felt.
"Wait…" I said and they all stopped and turned round. "I'll come". I didn't even know what I was saying. I just knew I didn't like seeing her leave. Wilson looked at his watch.
"Cars waiting. You better hurry", he told me.
"It's alright. You and Steve go on ahead. I'll wait for James. We can call a cab", Lucy offered.
"Ok, we'll see you soon", Steve smiled at me and then at Lucy.
"Don't be too late King!" Wilson reminded her and shut the door.
Lucy and I were alone in the apartment. She looked at me expectantly. I changed my mind. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay here with her. I liked being alone with her.
"So…" Lucy began.
"So…?" I said.
"Are you going to get ready?" She queried.
"Yes" I replied. "Make yourself at home", I gestured to the couch and then I walked in to the bathroom. I wondered when I had gone from dangerous to an idiot.
I showered and shaved and put on a shirt and smart pants. And looked at myself in the mirror. I'd cut my hair again and I combed it to the side. For a moment I saw the young man I used to be. A good man. I struck that. I was learning to be a good man now. Natasha Romanoff had tried to get me to stop splitting myself into two people; Bucky Barnes before HYDRA or The Winter Soldier. She told me to start focusing on who I was now. It's who I was now that mattered. Natasha and I had a rocky start to our relationship but we both recognised something in each other. We'd both done things in our past. Bad things. I pulled on my gloves as if I needed reminding.
When I walked back in to the lounge, Lucy was sat at the breakfast bar, her chin resting in her palm, reading. As I got nearer I saw she was looking at my file. I folded over the tattered cardboard file and pulled it away from her. She looked up guiltily.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry", Lucy apologised.
"It doesn't matter", I told her.
"I don't know Russian", she confessed sheepishly so I would know she hadn't understood anything in the file. Lucy knew that I was a killer but that didn't mean I wanted her know any of the details. I had a hard enough time telling Steve about it. Only Natasha understood.
"The taxi is on its way", she announced. "You look smart".
"But not handsome?" I didn't mean to say that. Lucy flushed pink.
"Yes. Yes you look handsome". She confessed seriously.
By the time we had gotten to the hotel they were using for the venue the dinner had started. Lucy left me waiting by the entrance as she spoke to some of the other organising staff. After a few moments of smiling and laughing she waved me over and we made our way to the table. I was already regretting coming. I felt people were staring and I was uncomfortable. I began assessing everyone as if they were threats or targets. This came instinctively to me and was very hard to control. She must have sensed my obvious discomfort and tension and to my surprise she reached for my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I felt the calm spread through me and when we reached the large round table I didn't want to let it go.
"We're not on the Captains table?" I queried looking at our fellow diners on this quiet table tucked away in the corner and not seeing Steve or Sam there.
"Nope, thought you might me more comfortable here".
"Thank you" I told her. She smiled and I remembered my manners just in time. I pulled out her chair and waited for her sit down before I took my own seat. I had to control the urge to grab Lucy's hand all through the meal.
Steve gave a speech after the dinner, he thanked everyone for coming and spoke about how important the money raised from the dinner's ticket sales were to the charity. I could tell he was as uncomfortable in the spotlight as I was but he kept the smile on his face and did his job.
The band started playing and the diners dispersed on the floor of the ballroom. Lucy apologised saying she had to go and speak to some of the other organisers and thank people for attending. I let her go and watched her as she made her way across the room. I could tell she was content with her work at the VA hospital. That was the place where she could do good. Not at SHIELD, not making this metal weapon any stronger, so I could kill better. Lucy had a good heart, I'd always seen that. Whatever she had felt about herself.
I sat on my own for a while, nursing my water, watching Steve chat politely with the guests and reluctantly took to the dancefloor with different women. A couple of attractive women asked me to dance but I turned them down. More curtly than I should have perhaps. After a while I realised I couldn't see Lucy anymore. I scanned the ballroom but she was definitely gone. I stood up and went directly to the French doors that led out to the hotels patio and gardens. I passed Steve as he took a turn with a lady in her seventies and he glanced at me concerned. I knew he was asking if everything was ok. I nodded and he returned it.
The patio was scattered with people, I looked around but she wasn't there. I saw some steps that took you to the hotel's lawns and fountain and followed them down. The lawns were less populated and there walking barefoot alone on the grass I spotted her.
"My feet hurt", she explained when she saw me, coming to halt.
"Must be all the dancing", I said.
"I haven't danced", she replied.
"No one's asked you?" I inquired not really wanting to know the answer.
"I've been asked. I just haven't accepted", she said. I couldn't help myself smile. But then I thought about the smiles and the easy touching between her and Steve. It was an irrational thought, baseless really.
"What about Steve? Has he asked you?"
"Yes but I said no. Besides he's busy, he's got a lot of names on his dance card already", she smiled. "He's a good man".
"Oh he is a good man", it came out more petulant that I intended it too. "You like him?"
"Of course I like him. Just not…romantically", she scrunched up her nose at the very thought of it.
"He's handsome. Athletic. A hero. What more could you want?" I pushed.
"Electricity", she blushed. And I could feel the sparks between us. I bit my lip. "I can't dance", Lucy confessed suddenly.
Without thinking about it I held out my hand, Lucy hesitated and then took it.
"I think I remember how" I whispered as I slipped my cybernetic arm around her waist and pulled her closer gently but firmly. She laughed nervously and then relaxed as I slowly led her in a slow dance on the grass with the band playing in the distance. She settled her cheek on my chest and I nestled the top of her head under my chin as we swayed in the moonlight. When the tune ended we stopped still. Lucy looked up at me; her brown eyes were soft and trusting. Lucy licked her lips and I swallowed hard. She moved her hand slowly from around my back and across my chest, her other hand gently removing itself from my own to slide up my arm to my face. She gripped hold of my collar and stood on her tiptoes, pulling my face down to meet hers. Lucy kissed my cheek lightly and then pulled away to look at me shyly. I couldn't move and she kissed me again on the other cheek. I closed my eyes when she kissed my lips, both her small hands cupping my face.
I wanted to kiss her back. I wanted to. But this wasn't just a physical response. I felt a rush of emotions. I felt the affection I had held for her for so long. I felt desire for her, something I had kept in check for some time. I experienced the need to feel her body against mine, that all-consuming want. And I felt fear of losing all control and giving into these emotions. And as she kissed me so tenderly, touched me so gently I felt disgusted because I knew I had no right to return them. I wasn't a gentle man, I wasn't capable of tenderness. I was cold and I had killed without mercy. I couldn't let her touch me. I didn't deserve something so good. I pulled back, carefully tugged her hands off my face and pushed her away.
"We can't", I said apologetically.
"Why not?" I heard her say in a quiet voice. She was upset and embarrassed. I had hurt her.
"I'm sorry".
Lucy didn't say anything else; her hand covered her mouth as she broke into a sob. She picked up her shoes off the grass and ran up the stone steps away from me.