How do you erase bad memories?
You create new ones, blow them softly in your ears, whisper them to yourself until it's true
become anyone you want to be.
You are courageous.
Dignified, gracefully dark, a beautifully misunderstood soul.
Things are only hard for you now because the future will be great.
You can make this better.
At four in the morning, when the moon was lolling over misty-blue clouds in the darkened sky, few tiny white stars speckling its surface, the only thing to distract from the sound of chirping crickets was the rustling and crumpling of paper coming from a tree-house deep in the woods- constructed of child-like glee, but filled with hate and remorse of a broken youth. There was the occasional grunt of insomnia, a cry of despair, and the scratching of pen. Together, it was an orchestra of solemn solitude.
Jimmy had nightmares. Not as often as one would think, but he had them. Sometimes, on particularly lonely nights, he would toss and turn in his sleep, his mind would wander into dark(er) places and the voices of friends and foes resonated in his brain while he tried to sleep. His dreams were filled with brokenhearted memories from highschool- girls who hurt him so much, the girls he hurt back in anger, and that one moment he had with that one guy... but that wasn't the worst part, his family would sneak it's way in there somehow, and he would miss them. Well, he would miss his brother, Vincent, anyways. His dad too.
Dad was always such a pushover. When him and Vince wanted cake for breakfast, they always managed to convince their dad to let them have it. He would just smile and say, "Oh geez, I guess if you're not even bothering to brush your teeth..." pull the mix out, grab a bowl, ask who wanted to lick the spoon after, get caught in the ensuing quarrel. They always had cake mix in the cupboard, which was strange because Jimmy couldn't recall a time when they ever went out and bought it. The first few weeks (they would make at least one cake a week) the flavour had been vanilla, to which Vincent had complained was a "boring taste" for days on end until it had magically changed to chocolate. The cake remained chocolate each week until Jimmy had turned seventeen and Vince was fifteen. They didn't eat as much cake four years prior to then, but it was still change enough to make the two boys uneasy. Two brothers who confided in and helped each other selflessly, both new that there was something up.
First, dad stopped making cakes. He started going out on weekends and stopped really listening to how his son's days at school were. Jimmy still didn't have many friends and Vince was still adorable and smart, though a frown creeped across his features and little pools filled his ocean-blue eyes at each dinner conversation. That was probably the most painful part for Jimmy.
Vince had gone into his brother's room one night and cried about how lonely he felt now that dad wasn't paying them any attention. He thought that maybe he didn't love them anymore. Jimmy wanted to say something as he held his little brother close, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything in their dad's defense. Vincent's skin was as porcelain as angel dust and his hair as fine and golden as wheat glistening in he summer heat, complemented by his brilliant eyes and slim body, his brother was like a god fallen to earth, sobbing hopelessly in Jimmy's arms, searching for a comfort that only a brother could provide. Jimmy was offended that his father could even bear to hurt his most precious son like this! The most innocent and naive creature crumbling from a vaguely suggestive breeze from his dad.
"...I don't know how he could ignore you." Vincent's voice was more controlled and silent as he regained composure, but remained clinging to his brother's waist. Jimmy merely looked down at him curiously. He didn't know what he had to do with it.
"You just seem so lonely... it makes me sad," and Vince's voice quite painfully cracked from trying to hold back more tears. That was the stone that broke Jimmy's heart. It didn't matter how much he cared about his dad, Vince came first. He would have a very serious talk with his father about this. His dad was being immature and just needed to be told to grow up, but for the time being, Jimmy would enjoy his brother's company. He sat up against the side of his bed, and the unwilling-to-let-go Vince simply sat on his lap and wrapped himself around Jimmy's neck. They talked about their lives and how school was going, occasionally nodding off until they had completely fallen asleep.
There are so many things that open up in the mind's eye late at night or early in the morning. Brilliant, profound things.
It gets too difficult to filter out the unpleasant ones in your sleepiness.
Writing helps.
But for how long?
How long could he keep erasing those memories?
Jimmy still had troubles making "best friends". Vince stayed close to him though, which Jimmy didn't mind at all. He watched his little brother excel at mathematics and science, his bright blue eyes lit up whenever Jimmy sang his praise. If they ever went out, Vince would clutch onto Jimmy's hand, which he figured was just his childish nature coming out of him. He was so innocent, Jimmy was kind of jealous, but happy at the same time.
The two brothers were best friends. They never separated unless they had to, and with their dad gone more and more often, they felt far closer to each other than they ever felt with him.
But, one day, their dad came back with someone else.
Tall and blonde, slim red cocktail dress, smooth legs and piercing cherry-red lips over feathery skin. Jimmy thought that dad had brought home a prostitute.
"Who's she?" Vince whispered to Jimmy warily.
Click clack, high heels and father's smile.
Vince holds his hand.
The memories are getting all muddled up.
Shouldn't have tampered with them.
"She's been here for a long time..." Unusually unhappy tone from Vincent. He clings to Jimmy while he does the dishes, keeping a careful eye on his father and Jessica- the new woman, in the adjacent room. He's been doing that a lot more lately. Clinging and watching.
"Dad says he's in love with her. Do you not like her?" The soap smell tickles his nose and he focuses on scrubbing the last of the egg from the plate, but he can still feel his brother shaking his head.
"That's okay, I don't really like her either. Too snobby," they both chuckle at this and agree to play video games in the basement after.
Headache... throbbing like a million horses cloven hooves treading over his brain lobes.
This seems important.
What...
...happened...?
The dishes are done. They play video games. Jimmy wins again, Vincent congratulates him with a victory hug/tackle.
"Boys! Get a hold of yourselves!" Jessica is yelling at them to stop rolling around on the ground. They both stop, Vincent has a very serious look on his face. Apparently they're "too old to be playing together like that". An ugly snarl decorates the woman's maroon lips. She's wearing a black dress tonight. Vincent does not seem impressed. Jimmy admires how pretty she looks. Shame that she's such a bitch.
"Come on Jimmy, let's go C-See a movie!" Vincent grabs Jimmy's arm and drags him upstairs past Jessica, who is now calling for their dad to tell him to control his kids, even though there's nothing to control, at least, not that Jimmy can tell.
"What movie do you wanna C-See?" He smiles as they make their way to the theater. C-See is their code for Sneak In To See. They've done it tones of times before, not because they didn't have any money, but because they just wanted something to do. When Vincent had first agreed to it, Jimmy began to wonder about how naive his little brother really was, but it had been two months after Jessica had moved in. He figured he must be rebelling against her presence.
"Let's see a romance." Jimmy was a little taken back. It had never occurred to him that Vincent would like those kinds of movies, and he felt a little inclined to suggest something else, but the younger of the two was flush with embarrassment for asking, and Jimmy didn't want his courage to go to waste. He immediately remembered all the girls he had asked out in his lifetime. They could have gone so well if they just gave him a chance, so perhaps the movie wouldn't be so bad if he gave it a chance.
"Sure," he sounded as chipper about it as possible, not wanting to make his brother feel guilty about forcing him to watch something he didn't like. Vince was like that. Too caring.
The buzz and crackle of a broken machine hummed in the air
in his head.
Is this when... this...
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god.
The movie was boring. The girl was in love, the guy wasn't. She tries to ignore him by focusing on work.
She works.
She has a horribly dry office job.
There was no nudity.
"Hey, Jim?" Vincent whispered to Jimmy, placing his hand on top of his brother's.
"Whatsup?" He tried to sound enthusiastic, but Jimmy wanted to leave. This was just too painful.
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Vince didn't really need to whisper. There were no new movies playing and the only people there were two old couples who could hardly hear, plus, it was a late night Monday screening, so it was already empty enough. "Wanna come with?"
Jimmy nodded his head. Anything to get out of there. Vincent hastily grabbed his arm and dashed out of the room with questionable zest.
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The bathrooms were huge, due to the usual over-crowded rush when they screen the good movies.
It was one overly complex and maze-like hallway before you reached the long stretch of urinals and stalls.
"Alright, I guess I'll just be over there," Jimmy motioned towards a corner of the room near the sinks, untainted by greasy hands due to recent washing.
Vincent didn't go anywhere, he just hunched over, shaking.
"Hey Vince? Are you..." Jimmy lifted his chin up carefully to see his face, stained with tears just as he had suspected. It seemed second nature for the boy to cry so much nowadays. Jessica was far too stressful and demanding for him, always taking his dad away and keeping Jimmy busy with all these chores and tasks. He was now responsible for grocery shopping and cooking dinner, so there was little time for his little brother.
"Do you love me?" Vince asked him sadly.
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It was foreign to him, the entire concept, everything that was happening. The hands that were currently doing their best to seduce him, traveling lower and lower with unskilled impatience, the tongue working its way around his lips. Warm comfort of another body, another mind that said "I know exactly how you feel".
His lifelong friend and only brother, pure looks and heart now spoiled in the blood because he needed something to fill the void. When Jessica yelled or screamed there was no one to run to but his brother because father was wrapped up too tight to want to notice. She screamed that they weren't good enough.
She yelled at Jimmy that he was a coward.
Weak.
He was against a wall, his back slowly making its way closer to the ground. He never noticed how tall Vince had become. Almost as tall as him.
Their breath collided for a moment, equally tired and rushed, not fully understanding how, but feeling. That's all they were doing. Feeling each other as warm, empty, and wonderfully familiar- the only person that made any sort of sense anymore.
Jimmy couldn't understand anyone else but Vincent.
The harsh slaps and bruises "mysteriously" appeared overnight, and Jimmy hated his dad for not realizing, or pretending not to realize. Jessica would sneak sly grins across the table while Jimmy dished out the meatloaf. His chest hurt with the effort of controlling his anger. Vincent would stay up with the whole night to talk about it, saying that he could tell Jessica to cut it out. Jimmy was too beaten to protest.
His shirt slipped over top his head. His brother absorbed him completely and pressed their noses together. Jimmy had removed the other's shirt at some point, revealing them both. All the welts and marks tainting their skin, especially Vince, small and lily petaled child unrightfully abused. The older almost matched his own, not particularly confident in his looks, almost feeling he deserved the pain that was inflicted on him.
"Brother..." The blue eyed boy breathed out, caressing the older's face. They passionately kissed once more, Vince pulling away, keeping close. "Stay with me..."
They exposed themselves, not only in skin, but in heart. They shared what couldn't be said in words, what couldn't be brought up in blood. Finding hope in their closeness and heat, binding together with more trust than ever before, sharing the ultimate affection and dedication to one another, a silent seal between brothers.
Was it romance?
Hormones?
Maybe just the need for someone to understand and be near. To feel that you aren't completely alone.
Someone to give yourself to, who can give back.
Jimmy forgot how wonderful closeness was, how wonderful people could be.
How did he ever fear it?
mem:closesequence="shutdown"Prepare:launchgo/
The beatings got worse; more bottles. They were afraid that she might have known.
She must have found out.
One night the inhuman scream resonated. The one night they slept in their own rooms, liking too much to be together, feeling to lonely otherwise.
Father was out on a business trip.
CCKICKCCKKKK...ss-scriptrun:"...count"?closssssing...10sec/.
Door opens,
Jessica. Vince. His face and legs red. Crying, tears and blood everywhere.
Hiding in the corner like a scared animal.
Pushed her...Vince, what...CKCKBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Blamed it on me, stayed in the hospital for a week.
Told to go out, get food. Got CD's instead at CD Cesspool. Saw her at Taco Hell.
Saw him.
Saw Johnny.
sequence:COMPLETE
The Fear
By: Mmy
Do you quake all day and night
and shake in fear of mortal fright?
Do you cry between each breath
and try to clean yourself of death?
Does worry wallow from your grave
and penetrate the strongest nave,
or has conviction gone away?
-Handless wrists with-which to pray
never casts your woes away.
Perhaps not even the light of day
could ever shine the sun your way,
when darkness simmers in the deep
where wandering, aimless souls can creep,
harbor demons in your thole
and add it to your mind's lost soul,
reach out for a burning flame,
but nerves are bent around the pain;
there is no hope for any fight
when lives are lost to mortal fright.
I Need to Feel You
By: Mmy
Elemental
sentimental
hold me closer
where a choker
lost in traffic
stolen basket
grandma's calling
ceiling's falling
flaking dirt plates
chasing skirt-dates
clean disaster
moving faster
growing inflamed
oh so ashamed
pretty pleases
tickle teases
cold robotic
catatonic
This was the most I could scrape out of Jimmy's rotting corpse-brain
and this is mostly irrelevant to the story.
I just felt like making Jimmy seem like a sort of good person after killing him.
I felt a little bad for doing that.
His brother Vincent was very much in love with him.
Although Jimmy just felt that they were "Extremely close brothers"
I'll let you use your imagination on what happens to Vince afterwards.
If you're confused at the part where it get's all "computer-y"
it's just his memories shutting down as he dies.
Like watching an old t.v show on a battery television, but the battery is dying.
Anyway... probably the last chapter I'm gonna do for awhile.
Jimmy wrote some poems too. Aint that niiice?
Should get to sleep. It's already 2:30 am!
(YESTERDAY WAS MY BIRTHDAY... *cough cough*)